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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on November 28, 2017 at 10:53pm
Yes Chuck andSteve...me too!! You DID it!!!! When you get settled we are all waiting to hear from you
Comment by Sara Murphy on November 28, 2017 at 10:04pm

Hi Steve and Chuck.....I wanted to check in and see how things are going.  Last we heard the move to Dallas was scheduled for Nov 22nd so I'm sure you've been quite busy with that.  I hope it was a relatively easy move and you're settling in without issue.  When things settle down, please entertain us with the story of your move.

Love to you both,

Sara

Comment by Sara Murphy on November 28, 2017 at 9:54pm

Chris......I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis even though it seems you're okay with it.  I understand you're not wanting to live without Marshall as I feel the same way about living without Ken.   My life ended and my existence began in Jan 2016 and that hasn't changed.  The thought that I could potentially have 30 more years is horrifying.  The one thing however that scares me more than dying is being sick.  I'm concerned about the suffering you'll endure during these next 2 years if left untreated.  Marshall will be waiting for you for however long it takes.  I do hope you'll reconsider and look at treatment options.

During these past 2 years I've gone to a couple of Mediums as well as read books about the other side and of near death experiences.  One thing that helps me is knowing that time doesn't exist on the other side (Heaven).  For me it's been 22 1/2 long months but for Ken, it's only been minutes.  Whenever I do get there, it'll seem like the blink of an eye for him since we've last seen each other and I take comfort in knowing that he's not suffering the separation as I am.    The same is true of Marshall, he's waiting on you and enjoying his karaoke in the meantime.

Please do keep us updated.  Sending you a hug.

Sara

Comment by Christine Blaire on November 28, 2017 at 7:55pm

No David. I'm not going to tell you to go to hell! Thank you for caring. I know I'll be told that since the grief is so new I'm not thinking clearly and in six months or so ill change my mind and it will be too late. No, that won't happen. Even those who were close to us know that I won't change my mind. The Dr will make me comfortable and I will hear her out on Monday. I am mearly existing not living. Oh I have friends and family but when that door shuts its me and the dog. I can't even say I'm lonely....that's not it. I want HIM. This didn't just appear in August, that's when I discovered it. It's an inch.im ok with this. I'll continue here and give updates and let you know how the Dr tries to talk me into treatment! She's got a hard but to crack!!! Love Chris

Comment by David Heggi on November 28, 2017 at 7:31pm

Dear Christine,

I am so sorry you feel this way.

While I can understand how much of a relief it can be to have that sense of peace knowing that the end of your suffering is in sight, I still don't want you to surrender, and squander your chances of recovery - who knows, you may think differently before those 2 and 1/2 years, Maybe tomorrow morning.

It would comfort me too if my loved one promised to wait for me - minutes, hours, days - years in anticipation of reuniting. If your pain eased, and your life took a turn for the better, forgive me, but it might be all of that and Heaven too.  

Chris, I am not insulting your intelligence of experiencing agonizing pain, and I am insensitive to it.  I just want you to take some more time.

Your friend,

David H

If it makes you feel any better, tell me to go to Hell.

Comment by Christine Blaire on November 28, 2017 at 6:22pm

Well, went for tests today, mammogram chest X-Ray and ultrasound. Seems there is a large mass about an inch and very dense and yes, it's cancer. So, Monday I talk to a breast cancer Dr and they scheduled a biopsy for Tuesday morning. I told them hold it! I've done research and know that no two women react the same And all that. I just want nature to take its course,why biopsy when we know already it's cancer. I've noticed it since August but couldn't do anything about it at that time. My Marshall knew about the lump. He said if it weren't for me he wouldn't have tried anything and both daughter s said he would have been destroyed if something happened to me. So, he went first and he did promise to wait for me. The median time for someone with breast cancer and doesn't have treatment is 2 1/2 years give or take. So be it. I cannot go ten to twenty years without him. Check my mom is 91!  So I am strangely at peace. There was a reason he got sick and went so fast. He did a karaoke show Sept. 17 and was gone Nov. 1. He knew.  Now I start my journey.

Comment by Marsha H on November 27, 2017 at 2:31pm

Linda ...  As Mary Jane said, you did nothing wrong.  Often when people have heart issues and if they are medications or have had heart surgery they are frightened and also some medications can change their personalities.  When my Ernie was battling pancreatic cancer he was on 3 different medications and I noticed how much his personality changed.  He went from a wonderful, sedate and loving man to striking out at me angrily.  I did what I could, but sometimes I would get angry back.  I tired so hard not to be, but he had become reclusive so I had no one to lean on.  All throughout our relationship we leaned on each other so I let him lean on me.  Not easy for sure.  I went through the guilt you are going through, but eventually realized I was just human, took a lot of angry words from him and being human just every so often would strike back.  To look after someone with a disease and especially one that will take their lives it must be extremely difficult to live under that pressure and we did our best for them.  Just like raw grief there are no words of comfort for them.  You are right, try not to think about it if possible and realize you did the best you could and believe he loved you and always will.

Comment by Mary. Jane on November 27, 2017 at 9:52am
Dear Linda
You did nothing to cause his death. Nothing. Him getting more cruel after his heart attack was his FEAR..of everything, mostly dying. My husband had some heart problems (his death wasn,t related to that) but now that he is gone, I mull over our life together and I realize he was afraid of everything health wise. He was really angry at the world, but and wanted to scream at the universe, but you were there, so he took it out on you. It seems a lot of men do that...I am just now realizing how terribly afraid of every little thing. Ok sorry this is short, but please believe, YOU had nothing to do with his anger..or his death.
Comment by Linda Victor on November 26, 2017 at 1:01pm
Page 2 from Linda Victor
Still trying to figure out this site and how to use it and trying to figure out my late fiances death just seems so much worse than when someone passes in and you know the reason and not left confused, shocked, and the guilt is too much, because there are times I do blame myself for his death and have even felt like I murdered him when i know logically that i loved him, treated him so great and have no clue even why he was fighting with me in the end over every little thing and got even more cruel after his heart attack and started to ans him back i could not let him verbally abuse me and keep saying nothing that was his excuse for breaking up with me that i answered him back but i don’t want to talk anymore about him, think about him, but this i do know i loved him with all my heart and that’s what counts not if he loved me back love is not this massive confusion after his death i don’t want to waste more time on this comment but can’t help thinking maybe i broke his heart i have to let it go i can’t contlnue like this. Thanks Linda V
Comment by Christine Blaire on November 26, 2017 at 11:35am

Last night was the celebration of my Marshall s life. It was amazing. There was good, karaoke, funny stories a beautiful slide show was made, the cake had our picture on it, solo much food. The friends and family....I can't thank enough. There had to be more tables and chairs brought in!  I cried most of the night but I know he would have had a ball

 It was definitely a send off that was all him.  His daughter said that since he knew about the size of this lump that he wanted to go first because having me go thru something like this would have destroyed him. He said he would wait for me I guess he felt it wouldn't be too long a wait. I look forward to Tuesday, actually feel at peace about it.I'm very worn out from so many emotions last night that I think I'm just gonna do nothing today. Love to you all

 

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