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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by Tammy on January 10, 2018 at 8:28pm

Our 3 year old grand daughter lives with us  Since my husbands passing 31 days ago she  has wanted to sleep (in her words) "Pawpaw's spot".  So she has been sleeping with me.  I can hear her laughing and talking to her Pawpaw at night in her sleep.  She is so young now.  I hope she will always remember how much he loved her.  

Comment by Christine Blaire on January 10, 2018 at 4:21pm

Oh David...you are so right in saying that it would be a godsend to see our loved ones as Mary Jane did! I would give anything in the world  just to know they are ok and waiting for us. It would make our having to wait so very much easier....if only!!!!! I too believe with my whole being that they are. Again....if only! I pray for us all to be able to find some peace and comfort in some way. As of yet, it eludes me.

Comment by David Heggi on January 10, 2018 at 2:48pm

I know how much you miss your Greg, Deborah.

And your grandson innocently wanting his grandpa home, had to have been too much to handle.  It would be a Godsend if we could all see our loved ones the way Mary Jane was able to see hers. It would be enough to know they are OK.  I do believe they are, and are waiting for us with open arms.

Comment by deborah peck on January 10, 2018 at 11:14am

wow could I use seeing my Greg smiling at me Mary Jane. Last night I had a total breakdown, my 3 year old grandson had been asking me all day to take a car to his grandpa so that he could come home and play with him, broke my heart and I guess it all got to me after he went home. I just really need him here, I don't feel him at all around me and I miss him, his smell his touch, his stupid jokes, just everything. I too think of ending it all and being with him but could never do that to my family, besides the fact if I did that would I really be with him or someplace else I don't know the answer to that . oh well I will stop rambling now.  Debbie

Comment by Marsha H on January 10, 2018 at 4:15am

Mary Jane ...  I am so happy you had a visit from Bob.  While grief counselors try to tell us it's not real, it sure is.  I have had a similar experience the first Christmas alone without Ernie. It was Christmas Eve.  I was wrapping gifts on the coffee table and something made me turn my head to the left where the wall unit was.  There he stood all 6' 6" of him with his elbow leaning on the side of the wall unit smiling down and myself and the dogs.  A big smile on his face.  What I saw was a little different than what you experienced.  Ernie looked like he was made up of millions of stars and he certainly was recognizable.  The only way I can explain it was the very ending of 'Ghost' where Patrick Swayze was saying his goodbyes to Demi Moore and being called to the light.  Crazy, seeing things, I don't think so.

I am so very happy you had this experience and look forward to your other post. 

Comment by Marsha H on January 10, 2018 at 4:07am

David ...  It's normal to wonder whether there is a larger purpose for our pain.  I've learned in almost 7 years since Ernie has passed away that yes, we have a purpose.  First, grief is a must and normal and all of us know the pain that we bare at times can be horrific.  As we grief without realizing it we are growing stronger and it may be as simple at first as getting out of bed in the morning and facing the day.  That's one big step!  Slowly I began to realize had to to go back to my own roots to when Ernie first met me and fell in love with me.  I was 'me' then and he fell in love with the 'me.'  Then we share our lives with our spouses and life changes to a degree and even though enjoyable part of ourselves changes and we forget when we first met and fell in love with our spouses.  We left part of 'me' behind and had a delightful change between two people in love.  Now that our spouses are gone each day, month or year we get up and try we learn so many things.  I began to realize I was still 'me' once again only Ernie's love was a bonus and strengthened who I was and who I would be with or without him.  I've learned to be more compassionate, not to judge a book only by it's cover, have patience, hug a family member or friend just because, tell people you love every so often you do love them.  Being strong for family or friends going through difficult times and last, but not least when we give of ourselves in this life we begin to smile once again.  

Oh yes, I miss and love Ernie very much, but he left such a gift with me of his kindness, undying love, respect and wisdom and now I know ...  I am taking what I learned from him and carrying the torch to help others be it human or animal.  Slowly my heart is once again warming up and I'm so thankful I was one of the lucky ones that experienced all that Ernie gave to me all these years.

Stay strong my friend as you will begin to see yourself shine through.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Mary. Jane on January 9, 2018 at 8:46pm

   PART 1: of Bobs “visit”

i Haven,t posted the last few days, as something MAJOR happened to me yesterday afternoon...I still am unsure how to write it down, and I am still absolutely STUNNED at what happened, and I want to get my emotions in check b4 I do...but yesterday, after almost 2 years being gone, BOB opened the front door and walked into our house. Yes, of course, it wasn,t really him, but although I was lying on my bed trying to take a nap, I wasn,t fully asleep either...I am forming the details in my head, so when I write the entire episode, I won,t ramble, and I will be as concise as possible. My daughter thinks it was an OUT OF BODY experience, as although Bob and I we were facing each other very close, at the front entrance, I was very aware my body was lying on my bed...but at the same time, I felt TRANSPORTED to the front door.

now you have some idea of why this is so difficult to write...and to explain..but I will try to organize what happened More to come tomorrow.

MJ

Comment by David Heggi on January 9, 2018 at 5:46pm

After a long battle death is almost a promise of comfort of relief;  I think about it as an exit when life becomes unbearable.  Is there a larger purpose for our pain that is beyond our understanding?  Maybe - I hope so..

Comment by Steve on January 9, 2018 at 4:09pm

Christine,

I get what you are saying and understand completely how you feel. Some 25 years ago, my sister was diagnosed with inoperable pancreatic cancer and was given a timeline of maybe 6 months. She was in terrible physical pain and she had agreed to chemo treatments up until they began to make her weak and sick. Everyone in the family including her two boys were wanting her to go continue with the treatments, even though she and we were all told that it may or may not extend her life and no guarantees that the cancer would slow down it’s growth.
I cannot speak for anyone else in my family except myself, I felt as if she was giving up and for a time I was actually angry with her. As I saw her quality of life improve, I began to understand but could still not bring myself to accept the fact that she was going to die. I can look back now and see how selfish I was, she was tired of living in pain and with pain with every single breath she took.
Loosing Mark just 3 years ago this past November, that day he took his last breath as I watched, drove home to me the pain of living for my sister. At the time of his death I did not recognize this, it would be months later as I was living in raw grief that I began to think of myself in ways I had never thought of before. I questioned why I was still here, I was 17 years older than he, why not me instead of him. I even began to think of ways to end my life as the pain of grief was overwhelming. By no choice of mine, my life began to change in ways that I am still at a loss to explain or even understand.
This post is in no way meant to change or validate how you feel and I certainly do not have any great insights to pass along. I think what I am trying to say is that I know all to well the pain of living with pain waiting for death and the pain of living out my life while dealing with grief each and every day.

“When I think of death, and of late the idea has come with alarming frequency, I seem at peace with the idea that a day will dawn when I will no longer be among those living in this valley of strange humors.
I can accept the idea of my own demise, but I am unable to accept the death of anyone else. I find it impossible to let a friend or relative go into that country of no return. Disbelief becomes my close companion and anger follows in its wake.
I answer the heroic question ‘Death, where is thy sting?’ with ‘it is here in my heart and mind and memories.”….by Maya Angelou

We never know what tomorrow brings and I find myself waking each day with a little more understanding about what it means to be alive.

Hugs to you cause you need them!

Comment by Christine Blaire on January 9, 2018 at 12:04pm

Dear Steve,   thank you so much for posting this song. It made me cry but that's ok. It's been two months and this raw grief is so hard to b are. The 19 th of this month I will find out when I'm having breast surgery. Friends and family are ok with me not wanting chemo but a couple of well meaning friends have said I'm being selfish when they find out I'm not going to have radiation either. I'm not upset with them because they are trying to shock me into having it because they want me to live. I get that. They don't understand this terrible pain . I hope that with any luck I won't make it thru the surgery. Anything can happen and the surgeon says that I'm in too good of health for me not to take care of this. Again, I get it. But they are not here when I wake up in the morning and  realize I have another long day aheAd of me without him. Attitude is everything and mine sucks. They think that in six months I will feel differently and it will be too late. No,that won't happen. They don't know how much I hurt if they did they would let me go. They don't understand but I know all of you here do.here, I can express my true feelings. Thank god for this site.

 

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