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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1333
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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by deborah peck 6 hours ago. 16 Replies

On the last day of our vacation my husband died.

Started by Andrew Berenyi Jr.. Last reply by deborah peck 17 hours ago. 33 Replies

Recent death

Started by deborah peck. Last reply by Sara Murphy 17 hours ago. 6 Replies

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Comment by Linda Petty 20 hours ago

Deborah, I know what you mean about waking being so bad. For months I would wake up as I always have only to remember she was gone absolutely never to come back and I would freak out. Slowly that will stop and you will know immediately that he is gone. It is better not to go though the having to remind yourself.

Comment by Linda Petty 20 hours ago

My wife died in May, 2016 and I have not moved her clothes or things on her dresser.  We had been together for 45 years and I never thought she would go before me. I have been in a wheelchair for 14 years and ill some. She was in great shape, but was diagnosed with a brain tumor and she died 5 months later. I am still devastated.  Our 4 dogs give me pleasure, but little else does. We had no children and I have no family. I am some better as I have come to accept that she is gone.

Comment by Steve 20 hours ago

Deborah,

I lost Mark November, 31st, 2014, he and I were together for 25 years.  Mark was a very giving person, more so than I, he would always give of himself and his last dollar if someone he saw looked as if they needed it.  We both loved animals and we had our dog Bella (a mix of Mastiff and Rhodesian Ridgeback) 80 lbs of pure love for us and for anyone brave enough to get past her size.  She loved humans, period, other animals she saw as fair game so we kept her away from dogs her size.  She wasn't aggressive and Mark could snap his fingers and she would back down.  Me, instead of me walking her, it was usually the reverse.  After he passed on, Bella responded daily to my moods and emotions.  She would leave the room while I was crying, if I crying for too long (according to her timetable) she would come back in the room and take her big paw and place it on top of me as if to say "hey, I need to go out".  So, if I had not had Bella I really do not know how I got out of bed each day, her timetable was set long before Mark passed.

One Sunday in the December of 2014, Bella and I went out for our walk, I noticed that someone was going through the dumpster in our parking lot for the Apartment complex.  Bella wanted to check this out, I tugged on her collar and we went on home.  As I got inside the door, something popped into my head reminding me that maybe we had something in our apartment that that person may need, something no else inside needed anylonger.  So I peeked out of the window towards the dumpster, and someone had thrown away clothing and the man was collecting things and even putting some of them on, he was obviously cold.  So, I started collecting things out of closets to take down, things I no longer wanted and took them to the dumpster,  The man saw me coming and asked if I needed help (my hands were full and I was wobbly with my load).  I said no, he said, I noticed you live upstairs and be glad to help you...you don.t need to worry, I would not come in you could just pile it up outside.  I said thanks, but I need to get the exercise, I have a bad ankle and walking helps.  He said ok and went back to what he was doing, and looked over at what I put down and asked if I had more stuff like that, he collects stuff and sells it to the local thrift store.  By this time I could hear Mark in my head telling me to help this guy out, so I said yes, wait here I will return with another load.  Going back I collected some of Mark's long sleeve shirts still lying on the closet floor that needed washing, scooped them up and headed back along with items I new he could get a good price for.  He was really happy and I told him I had more.  He asked if I might happen to have a jacket or coat that I no longer needed (the sun was out but it was still about 25 degrees out).  I got back to the apartment and Mark's overcoat was staring at me, I hesitated, and then out of nowhere, in my mind something said what are you going to do with it, it is too big for you to wear?  So I grabbed the full length wool overcoat along with all of Mark's sweaters, dug $20.00 out of our loose change jar and headed back down.  The man broke into tears, I thought I was going to loose it, but, instead I felt very differently, I wasn't sad or even wanting to cry, I felt something I haven't felt for awhile, satisfaction that I was helping someone else in more need than I was.  I went back to the apartment and cried, telling Mark, OK, I get it now.

This opened the door for me to move on to the task of cleaning out the closets, plus I had move coming up, moving from the upstairs apartment to the one just below our apartment come January.  Bella and I saw this same man on many of our walks, but, that's another story.  However we choose to handle our grief is up to us...Hugs

Comment by Mary. Jane yesterday
Quadrangle? I don,t even know what that means? Spell check sucks
Comment by Mary. Jane yesterday
Hi Deborah...you can keep his stuff exactly where u want to...just last week, I got the courage to donate more of Bobs clothes...but I kept a lot. I actually know a few women who have lived through the death of two husbands..I don,t see where they get the courage to go on after the first one dies..but they did. So. Good for you..and I am so sorry u had to do this twice. At least you have grandkids. I think they give you promises for a good future. I don,t have any..just my daughter, who lives across the country, and has never wanted kids. Cuddle your dog...they are much more receptive than. We think, and I am sure the dog misses your husband too.my cats behavior changed completely after Bob died...he is awake all night,kind of quadrangle me, but he takes naps at night, and always sleeps with me..this is new after Bob dies, it is like he watches over me. (Yeah, I sound like I have gone round the bend lol)
Sometimes I think about getting a dog if my kitty ever dies, but they are more work and I don,t know if I have the energy...cuz I have a few health problems, but but I would be DESOLATE without my cat...ok I am rambling lol..so it must be bedtime...thanks for responding, and keep talking to your hubby. Goodnight,my friend.
Comment by deborah peck yesterday

Hi Mary Jane, thank you for your message. my kids are grown so I live alone except for my dog but I haven't spent a whole lot of time with him except for petting him, poor baby. I tell my hubby good morning and good night every day and also talk to him thru my day, I watch my two grandsons a lot one who is 3 and ask for his paw paw all the time, breaks my heart and the other just turned 13 the day after my husband died, they were best friends so I try not to be sad around him so he doesn't get upset,this is my 2nd spouse to pass away, my first one was when my girls were small, I know with time you get to the point where you start enjoying life again but I'm having a hard time excepting that he is really gone, when do you put his stuff away, I just have left everything the way he left it, just makes me feel like he is still here but I know that's not rational,.  am so sorry you had to endure this pain too but glad you are doing better

Comment by Mary. Jane yesterday
Hello, Deborah, and welcome. You are lucky to have found this place so soon...I wasn,t able to find this for over a year after my husband of nearly 50 years died, after only 4 months of cancer..but this has been a life saver for all of us. For me, the panicky feeling comes at any time of the day..in the mornings when I awake, I get more of a feeling of "why bother getting up?"...and the fear I have is constant throughout the day. Sometimes, after I wake up, I say good morning to Bob, because I end up talking to him all day. Yes, you are correct..I couldn,t tell this to anyone who isn,t here. You don,t mention if you live alone now, or if you have children..that would make me panicky..if I had to pretend for them...but I am older, and live alone.
Fear is going to be a HUGE factor for awhile. At least, it has been for me. I go from 0 to 1000 in seconds, blowing even tiny things way out of proportion. Example, if I get a headache, I must have a brain tumor, or is there a spider on the bed? so I leave the TV on all night and lie there in fear of it happening. I know, it sounds completely irrational, but fear and panicky feelings are the norm for us. I think it gets better with time..BOb has been gone for 18 months now...and it is getting slightly better..time is our friend..it will heal us. I give this same advice to each new person...keep a journal. It doesn,t have to be much...just a few lines when you feel inclined, but it has been a life saver for me. Also, if you live alone, a pet can help. Anything that gives you a reason to live...something to care for...I feed the birds outside each day, and my cat has saved my life.
I am sorry you lost your loved one...and hopefully I have been some help with your fears...expect many more responses..this is a good place, with people who understand..and I am happy you found us.
Comment by deborah peck yesterday

I'm sitting here reading all of your post and crying for everyone, including myself, not sure how this group thing works as Ive never done this before but the evenings and the minute I wake up are the worst so I looked online for a support group that I can sit and cry and write at the same time. I'm normally a very private person so an actual person to person group wouldn't work as I don't think I could discuss without crying, its been 3 months and 10 days an it just keeps getting worse, any advise to stop the panicky feeling when I first wake up

Comment by Marsha H yesterday

Sandfly ...  you are most welcome and I hope you keep posting with us.  Believe it or not with your postings we learn much from you as well even though you may not realize it.

I pray you are having a much better day today.  :)

Comment by Marsha H yesterday

Steve ...  your words are so kind as always and I'm happy I can add some joy into your life.  You and Chuck have been just as wonderful to me and I love to read your posts because they lift my spirits and you both write in such a wonderful way.

Hugs back!

 

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