Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Steve Cain on March 22, 2010 at 11:18pm
I am so sorry for your loss. I'm glad to see you got involved in a support group. Mine has been a great help to me, not just in terms of tools, but also in knowing I am not alone in this journey. To be able to talk to people who understand why you are the way you are now is a great therapy.
Firsts, and I'm sure seconds, thirds and so on, are hard. Heck, I still have moments when I think about my parents and they have been gone since 1989 & 1993. I will tell you, so far I have gotten through Kris' birthday (8/10) which was seven days before what would have been our 1st Anniversary (8/17), Christmas, Valentine's Day and St. Patrick's Day, which was big for her because she'd eat Corned Beef & Cabbage which I can't even stand, and I am Irish. Each day you take either baby steps or big steps. I will warn you the big steps are usually the "backwards" ones, where something you see or hear sets off a memory and then a reaction. Don't worry, those are normal and OK, and let no one tell you otherwise. Just let you be who you are, and always keep the lines of communication open so that people can help when you need it.
Comment by Connie H. on March 22, 2010 at 10:47pm
At 10:39pm on March 22nd, 2010, Connie said…
I have been sitting here, thinking what can I say? How can I express what the loss of "My Man" has been like? Going to the link below, then into obits. on the left, scrolling down to Phillip J. Harvey, then going into the condolences left for him says it all. Delete Comment
Comment by Cathy on March 22, 2010 at 8:58pm
Comment by Cathy just now
Delete Comment I lost my spouse, Craig one month ago. I miss him all the time. I know all the first's without him will be coming up and it will be very difficult to cope with. I joined a bereavement group in my community which meets once a week, I hope this will help me cope. I also have my work and my grandchild, who lights up my life whenever I see her.
I loved the time I had with my spouse, seven beautiful years, I only wished that there could have been many more. Love you Craig.... xoxoxox
Comment by kathleen caylor on March 22, 2010 at 4:25pm
Lois,Imagine how I felt when my husband came home and collapsed,I did CPR for 10 min.without success,I'm a nurse that worked on a telemetry unit.I felt like a complete failure.It's so different when it's one of your own.Having done CPR in the past with good results I felt it to be so ironic!Like I said his fate was taken out of my hands!We all carry some degree of guilt.But I'm over that at least.I hope you all know that you did your best.Knowing that brings me some peace.
Comment by Chris B on March 19, 2010 at 8:21pm
LeAnne - I don't think they can understand. I think that only people who have lost a spouse can understand the feeling of being torn in two and missing your other half. Every part of your life is touched by your husband - every part of your life is affected by his loss. Friends don't realize that each and every minute of each and every day is changed forever. Even the most well-meaning friends have "their own lives" to get back to, lives that haven't been shattered by the loss of their other half.
Comment by Yvonne on March 19, 2010 at 3:20pm
LeAnne I am so sorry for your loss. Friends and family cannot understand the depth of your grief unless they have gone through it themselves. It is very unlike anything you have ever gone through in your life before. When someone asks me what it is like to lose my husband, I tell them that it is a million times worse than you could ever imagine it would be. Unfortunately society seems to think we should be back to our normal selves in a couple of weeks. Not happening. First of all we are dazed and confused and are not sure where to now. Our old normal is gone and we are struggling every day just to survive. They can't possibly understand. Go at your own pace and do what it best for you and don't let anyone rush you. You have come to the right place, here you will find understanding, support, and people who will not judge you because we are all going through the same thing and handling it in our own way. Take time for you.
Take care Yvonne
Comment by kathleen caylor on March 19, 2010 at 3:13pm
LeAnne,Unless they have walked in your shoes,I'm sure they don't.As I stood in front of my husbands coffin and spoke some words to the crowd,I then noticed my friends who had lost their spouses.I then realized I had joined their "club".You know I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend to them in their time of grief.Now I understand!
Comment by LeAnne on March 19, 2010 at 1:53pm
Sometimes I wonder if friends really understand how hard it is to move on, they except me to just jump into things like i use to do. My husband of 31 years died at 49 yrs old on Dec 2009. He suffer of cancer.
Comment by kathleen caylor on March 19, 2010 at 7:29am
I think it's called surviving!I'm afraid winning is not the objective.Living with our loss is.We were on a high with Brigitte's post.And it felt good to be able to laugh with everyone.Back to everyday living.But you are a "winner" and because of Loni's love you can go on.We'll smile for a while and we'll cry for awhile.Such is life without our loved ones.Find some peace,Kathy
Comment by Paul Bennett on March 18, 2010 at 10:33pm
For Kathy Obiedzinski:

You don't need to second-guess yourself. People make suggestions that seem to them to be helpful, but if a suggestion doesn't seem to be helpful, then trust yourself to decline. As for her insensitive remark ... well, is your friend often so out of tune with your feelings? Is she actually a bit mean-spirited? Or was it one of those startling things that that people sometimes come out with when they are genuinely trying to be helpful? If you notice that, maybe it will help you to decide whether you want to be around this person now. It really is your choice.

As you read through the postings and comments on this site, you'll see that even people who have been through similar events -- like losing a spouse -- have widely different experiences. Maybe we can have a little compassion for people who haven't had this experience and say something that is hurtful. And being compassionate and forgiving doesn't mean we have to put ourselves in the way of their insensitivity, if insensitivity or unkindness is their pattern.

Paul Bennett

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