Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Yvonne on May 2, 2010 at 8:57am
Tom, Don't even get me started on that . Once again as a woman and a widow in society I am a non-person. I am glad I am stubborn and have to be in control or they would just walk all over me. The latest round started when I went to register our boat trailer. I went through all that in the fall when I registered the vehicles that were in Larry's name to mine. You would think that once they have a death certificate and an affidavit from the lawyer that it would be a one time thing; that the system would tell them that yes it is okay go ahead and register the balance in my name as they come along. But nooooooooo, you have to go through all the **** every time. After 40 minutes of stupidity, I finally walked out with the boat trailer registered in my name. Before I left I asked the girl what would happen if I sold some of the other vehicles that were previously registered in Larry's name, Oh that would be no problem. ???????? Now that doesn't make sense to me. I have to prove that I can register a vehicle in my name but I can sell them any old time I feel like it with no problem.
In the fall when it was time to renew Larry's drivers license I went in and said I guess I have to surrender this. The girl looked it up in the system and said Oh no, we know he is dead and then laughed. Thank you for the compassion &^*(&. So why was a renewal sent then if it was in the system.

How about some sensitivity training!!!!!!!!!! Or how about some training period. As you can see this really burns me.
Take care Yvonne
Comment by Peg Otley on May 1, 2010 at 4:34pm
Dear Vicky,
I feel your pain. I too have liver disease from hep c. I had my hep c for 25 yrs. before it was diagnosed. I got it from a blood transfusion when I was in high school. I am 58 yrs old. I took the interferon treatments and in the beginning, I was told it did not work, Miraculously, with no more treatments, 10 years later, it was gone!!!! I still have cirrhosis but it is dormant. I was one of the lucky ones. It sound as if you have a few issues for a lawyer to check into. I am so very sorry for your loss. My husband died Dec. 13th, 2009 and I am still battling with it. I just came home from the hospital yesterday and my stay was awful because I was waiting for him to walk in my door...he was ALWAYS there for me. I had a rough time with all of the "FIRSTS" after Harry passed. My first to deal with was Christmas......WE LOVED Christmas. Valentine's day was birthday was too and I am not looking forward to Mothers day and Fathers day. Our 37th anniversary will be in October. ON that day I will want to just die. It is a natural thought but I would never help it along. I have family who need me.
I will keep you in my prayers as I do for all who are on here. It is not going to be easy. My husband did not suffer severely for which I am grateful but he was my love of my life and I miss him terribly. I have never lived alone and it bites. I HATE it.
God Bless You and have faith. It's very hard but you must deal with it in YOUR own way and don't worry about what others tell you. They have NO clue.
Comment by jan on May 1, 2010 at 1:19pm
Dear Kathy...yuo are NOT alone I have done the same husband and I were very active at Church after he was first diagnosed I asked why and after he past I said how could you. I have not been able to go back to Church since and we used to go every week....its just not fair!!
Comment by Tom on May 1, 2010 at 10:44am
The reason I brought up that story is because my friend called me last week and told me his wife had passed away a month ago. It's been ten years since i last heard from him. It was his wifes grandmother that knew Jessy James, and his brother Frank James and would tell us stories about them.
Comment by Tom on May 1, 2010 at 10:33am
How do you pronounce that anyway ?
Loni had a great since of humor, and she would know that I would pick up on what she was doing.
When I was younger 18 years old, a friend of mine was driving my car and I was with him when we saw two deer in an open field so we took after them with me hanging out the passanger window. I was going to catch one and go out the window if I could get ahold of it. Just as we were getting close we both saw a police car that was watching everything we were doing. I got back into the car and we drove to where we entered the field and back onto the street. There was the police car and they pulled us over.
The police had us get out of the car and started asking us questions. They both asked my friend and I the same question at the same time; What were you doing in that field ? " My friend said we were chasing deer. I said at the very same time we were chasing jack rabbits. Then because i heard what my friend said, I added but they were big jackrabbits !
Both the police officers laughed and told us to leave and stay out of trouble. True story !
Comment by Yvonne on April 30, 2010 at 10:16pm
Vicky, First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. Right now this is about YOU. Not about what anyone else wants. YOU do what you want. If you want to go to your room and close the door and cry, scream, kick, you do it. They can't possibly understand the depth of your grief. It is much to soon for you to make any plans. Right now you are so overwhelmed that you can't even think straight. Take it one minute at a time and do the best you can. You have come to the right place to pour out your feelings. Here we all understand and don't judge. I am sending you a big hug ((((Vicky))))
Take care Yvonne
Comment by Victoria (Vicky) Owensby on April 30, 2010 at 9:58pm
My husband of thirty years died Monday after a long battle of liver disease from Hep. C probably contracted from the Vietnam era. We have only known for five what was wrong with him, no Dr. was able to diagnose him until his Medicare came through them whoopee there it was given as matter of fact as saying you need a root canal and you have about five years. We cried in each others arms for many hours then decided the best course of action was to drive to the transplant hospital 200 miles away which we did faithfully and Martin took every test and did everything they asked of him to do, they kept saying his transplant needs are much too premature. His health started to deteriorate at the end of Feb. 1st with pneumonia then 2nd. Bled out with esophageal varicees during this visit was given a different patients medicine by mistake. 3rd time in hospital he was just too weak to move which hospital wrote as reason to admit drug overdose. During this stay he got bad bedsores which no antibiotic was given and was sent home with hospice at home even though I said he wants to be resuscitated so the Hospice nurse left abruptly leaving me with no help at all. While my son and daughter who were home from college watched him die we couldn't stand it and called elms again. They took him into ice for 2 weeks trying to treat his total malnutrition by this time and his terribly infected wounds turning out to be VRSA much like MRSA. He died the day they took him out of ice and down to regular room thinking he was doing better. I held his hand as he breathed in his last breath. I miss him so much I am in constant pain. My heart is broken. He was my whole life. Well my family is trying to visit and help but I just want to be alone to cry. I would do anything just to see him for one more day. Please god bring him back to me. I know my family means well but they want me to go out and do things fun and to get on with my life. They never approved of me taking care of him all these years. Now I have a judging family, no ss$ which we shared and two kids in college. Why can't my family see that I am in pain and there is nothing I can do about it right now. My mom says I could if I would start making plans and moving on. I am so mad I could scream. All hopes of a liver taken from me along with my beloved husband who was my whole life. What should I do any suggestions?
Comment by Yvonne on April 30, 2010 at 9:54pm
Tom,I enjoyed your story too. Loni and you must have been quite a couple. LOL. Yvonne
Comment by Yvonne on April 30, 2010 at 8:18pm
Lois you are right when you say that we tend to change our lost loves into someone absolutely perfect in every way. I feel that I tend to do that because we were so close and he was the perfect partner for me. Of course we all have faults, but because of love we are able to look beyond them and see the special person we all loved. Like the song says "You don't know what you got till its gone".
Here is a cute little story you might enjoy. Larry and I enjoyed going to Deadwood, S.D., on the way we would stop at Williston at the Walmart. I went through one check out so that I could pick up cigarettes and Larry went through another. While I was there a lady came up to me and said "I don't want to scare you, but there is a man over there that was watching your every move in the store and following you around." I asked which one and she pointed to my husband. I thanked her and chuckled and said no it is okay he is my husband. She said then that I was very lucky to have someone love me so much. After that I called him my favorite stalker and we would chuckle about it. Love you my favorite stalker. Yvonne
Comment by Ellen Gerst on April 30, 2010 at 1:51pm
In regard to Kathy Obiedzinksi's comment, I think we have all experienced those moments when it just gets to be too much. A couple of months after my husband died, I was rushing to get one son to school after taking him to an early morning orthodontist appointment, while my younger son was at home waiting for me to drive him to his school. As I rounded the corner to turn on to the school street, there sat a policeman with his radar gun pointed right at me. I was speeding, and, to top it off, I wasn't wearing my seat belt, so I ended up getting two tickets. You see, not wearing my seat belt was my big rebellion of saying I just didn't care what happened to me. (Being a "good girl" my whole life, not wearing my seat belt was about all I could muster in rebellious behavior!) So, after being ticketed, I went home to pick up my other son. I managed to drop him off and get home safely and then proceeded to get into bed and just cry the entire day until it was time to pick him up again.

I think we just cry and rage over a lot of things, and the thing that sets us off can be different each time. It's like we are a pot with bubbling water. Ten items might be able to be put in the pot and we can handle them all -- but let that 11th item be dropped in, and the water spills over and floods our senses. I found it really didn't matter what that 11th item was either.

Rage and anger are all part of the process, and I found it important to get it outside of me rather than leaving it bottled up. Kathy, try not to beat yourself up for crying or not understanding why your husband died. Life just isn't fair, and there are no good reasons why he was taken and "evil" people are allowed to roam the earth. Asking questions is part of the grieving process, so know you are on the right path

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