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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Grief so great it hurts

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Comment by Virginia Geoffrion on March 13, 2010 at 4:10pm
It has been 4 years (6 February 2006) since the passing of my husband of almost 21 years, Mark Geoffrion. Mark had been ill for more than 12 years, with stomach cancer, as well as high blood pressure, heart disease, and diabetes, all due to morbid obesity. He was just barely 43 when he passed away.

We'd had our problems just as many couples have, but by the time we'd finally started working our problems out, it was too late. The day that he passed, he was having chest pains, feelings of nausea, cold sweats, and pains going down his arm. I dressed quickly, dressed him and rushed him to the nearest hospital. A doctor that was on duty rushed him into a room in the ER, and started working on him. I gave the triage nurse all of his information, the information was given to the doctor, and we were asked a few other questions. I was allowed to be in the room with him for a short time while the doctors were trying different air masks on him, but eventually they couldn't find anything that would work so they decided to put him under and insert a breathing tube. He lay there so still and pale, and for some reason I knew it wouldn't be long before something happened. While I was sitting in the family waiting room at the hospital, he went into cardiac arrest and died. But before I left his side to go into the family waiting room, he apologized to me for all of the arguments that we'd had, and told me that he loved me and always had. He just realized that he'd had a hard time letting me know how much he loved me all those years during our problem times, because he'd gone through abuse as a child, and never learned how to love until me. When the doctor came in to the waiting room and told me that there was nothing that they could do, and that he had passed away, my heart sank into my chest and I went into shock. The doctor told me that I could go in and see him for one last time before I claimed his belongings. I stood there by his still, lifeless body and asked him as if he could hear me; "why couldn't you have taken better care of yourself", "why couldn't you have told me more often than now how much you loved me", and "how am I supposed to live without you"? I called up my employers and informed them that my husband had passed away, and they had me spend the night at their house. The next morning I woke up, started reading a magazine article about Sean Penn's older brother dying from cardiac arrest due to morbid obesity, and I finally broke down and cried.

His memorial service was the weekend after he passed way, and his ashes were finally distributed this past summer between three different casinos that he liked going to in Biloxi, MS. If anyone were to ask me if I miss him, the answer is a definite yes, but after my period of mourning, I learned that life has to go on, and that is what he would have wanted for me. Over time, I have since found someone new, who loves me just as much as my husband did, and I have developed breast cancer which the new man in my life is helping me to fight. I don't know if I will make it through my cancer treatments, but if I don't it means that Mark is calling me home to be with him.

RIP Mark. You are loved and very much missed.
Comment by kathleen caylor on March 13, 2010 at 7:47am
Well today is 6 months since i've seen my husbands smiling face!I survived.I didn't think it possible,but it happened.Today I'll relive that day and play it over and over in my head.Kick myself a few times for not realizing how serious he was.And you know what! He's still going to be dead!God,I miss him.But I'm so thankful he was in my life!His b-day is in April,we were to start our retirement years,relax and travel,see the back roads,look for junk.He was so funny,we took a ride last year to Don Garlit's museum.He about broke his neck looking at old houses with tall grass growing around things,just knowing there was "good stuff"under there!At least I have my memories,46 years of memories!How lucky am I?Through this journey of life,I've not been bored!!!Thought he would drive me crazy a few times but not bored!Thank you,Ernie,I love and miss you!
Comment by Brian Clark on March 12, 2010 at 3:56pm
My name is Brian Clark (72) and my wife of 21 years died suddenly 12/28/09.
I would like to join any support group(s) in the San Diego area. Please send me any information or known activities coming up I would appreciate your help.
(619) 472-1185
Brian Clark
Comment by Tina on March 11, 2010 at 10:06pm
Hi tom I'm sorry for your loss. I too felt like my dream had come true when I met Scott, he'd had a hard life and gave all his bad habbits away when he finally met me. He was such a beautiful person that had finally found happiness and a meaning to life. I loved him so much, my heart beat was his heart beat, so thats why I feel so dead inside, but I also have 3 children that I love and won't leave them with heartache and sorrow. Unfortunatley they don't dlive with me. I am so lonely at this time in my life when I wish I had friends all around me. Youn see I came over in October to New Zealand to look after my father who had cancer. My fiance stayed in Australia to sort our house and finances out and was to come over soon, but unfortunately he passed away xmas day and I wasn't there with him. I go through all sorts or senarios as to what I would of done if I was there. I dont know what to think anymore. Its great to talk to u though. Tina
Comment by jan on March 11, 2010 at 7:19pm
Dear Lynn.....I know how you feel I lost my Dave 12/09 and life has not been the same. I keep asking him to take me to be with him......
Comment by Tina on March 11, 2010 at 6:15pm
Hello people. I'm new to all this but its nice to know I'm not alone in how I feel. My father passed away Nov 5th 2009 and then my fiancee of 4yrs passed away suddenly and tragiclly on xmas day. He was 34yrs old. He was the love of my life my everything. Now all I want is to be with him. Its still not real to me yet as I feel he could walk thru the door at any stage. I don't see a reason to be here anymore.
Comment by Lynn on March 11, 2010 at 8:12am
My husband died 11/20/09. He was everything in my life. We have been together about 9 years, but married 4 1/2. I waited until I was 50 to get married because I wanted the "special man" for my life. I never laughed or shared so much in my life. It took my husband 9 months to ask me out..he was married. I never knew he was married..I just knew I had an attraction for him. We never spoke during those 9 months. He was teaching a class I had to attend for work. The only conversation we had then was over a book I was reading, but I left the class room just knowing somehow or something would bring us together.
It was approx. 9 months when a gentleman mentioned to me that Mike was attracted to me and how did I feel!!! I said please have him call me!!! It finally happened arount Thanksgiving that I received the call. He asked me out on a date and we were together ever since that date.
He explained to me that he was married at the time of the class he was teaching, but the marriage was coming to an end, but I never knew any of that until we were together. He was so concerned that I would think less of him if he asked me out back when he was teaching the class. What is so true is that I would have never accepted a date or even considered it if he was married. It was so nice to meet someone that respected his wife at that time and also respected me at that time.
We were married in Las Vegas and I have met his first wife and their children many times and we have not bad feelings. I had nothing to do with the break up of that marriage and his family has been wonderful to me-children and exwife.

Mike died of an thoraco-abdominal aortic dissection. This is the same thing that the actor John Ritter died from 10 years ago.
Mike spend 2 days in the hospital and was released to go home on a Wed. at 4 pm. We went to dinner that night had sushi and then came home watched a movie and had a glass of wine. We got up the next morning (we were both off of work on the same days) and he mentioned that he had that feeling of gas in his stomac, but he was hungry. He said I'll take a shower an eat maybe I'll feel better. I made oatmeal while he showered -it took about 5 -6 minutes. I went into our room with the oatmeal and said ...baby its ready...don't fall to sleep so quick..then I realized something was wrong....I tried CPR ..I call 911 ...they came and tried to help then we went to the hospital...he never spoke again. .
I will never understand how you can spend 2 days in the hospital and be released to follow up with your reg. doctor and die the next day. They thought he has a stoke, but ruled that out. His aortic valve was enlarged to 5 1/2 cm. and a normal valve is 2 cm. I am frustrated and lost. I still remember Mike saying to me just before we went to sleep "I love my wife and I love my life". 56 years old ..he was a vegetarian...loved life...kind person...always reading to make sure he made good health choices. Our whole house is filled with things we have been purchasing or planning for when we retire in 10 years. I am trying so hard to make sense of any of this and move along in life..I know that is what he would want, but it seems to me to get harder not easier. Its the day to day thats hard. I recently went to Mexico to visit my 86 year old aunt..Mike and I would visit her there every year for a week...she has a 2 bedroom time share. People have asked how I could go so soon...that was a lot easier than the everyday life for me. When I was away it was not simple, but it took some of the pressure off the day to day world I live in at home. I struggle daily to just make it to work and co-exist.
Comment by Colleen on March 10, 2010 at 12:53pm
Why can't I add friends on the site. I woulde like to do that to be able to keep track of everyone and when I click on the button it tells me an error has occurred - only this has been going on since I joined. And I would really like to add members as friends. I feel like I'm more than a little scatter-brained right now and that would just help me participate and keep track better. Anyone else having this problem?
Comment by Mary on March 9, 2010 at 9:00pm
Tom, I'm glad you are able to use humor to change how you are feeling. Right now I can't, the pain is to new. I cried so hard today. Jims life insurence policy check came today. I was so relieved that it was a full term policy and not the decreasing term I thought it was, yet when I looked over at his picture I would have given every penny back just to have him back.
You mentioned the story about Loni's first husband. I was also married before and my first husband of 16 years died. He was a disabled vet and he died of his disability. Jim also let me talk about him, he said he wished he could have met him. He knew I was the person I was because of life experiences. My three children from that marriage became Jim's children and he never showed any favoritism between his own 4 children and mine. In fact, in some ways in the last few years he became closer to my son then his own. My youngest daughter was only 2 when her dad died so she never remembered him. So when I married Jim when she was 7, he was her dad.
I have the best children in the world. Last Sunday they came over with their families and grandkids and brought dinner because they know Jim had been gone 4 weeks that day and they wanted to help me get though it. I love them for it. But you know, I can be in a room with everyone I love and I am still alone. I felt that way 30 years ago and it's the same again. I hate this so much.
Comment by Yvonne on March 9, 2010 at 1:20pm
Tom, I enjoy your sense of humor. Larry always used humor to make everyone feel comfortable. It has been 7 months today since he passed. I received a card the other day from a friend of our middle sons. She and Larry had a special bond and she said how she had always enjoyed their late night talks and how much she enjoyed his belly laugh. She always held a special place in his heart. That was my Larry, a heart as big as the world. Such a kind gentle and caring man...how I miss him.
 

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