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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 16. 4 Replies

New Member

Started by Susan. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2, 2018. 5 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on February 24, 2019 at 4:21am

Mary Jane ...  I'm so sorry my dear friend you are having such a rough time of it.  It's not abnormal to forget what one did the year before in the first 3 - 4 years of grief.  The reason for it is we are moving forward into a new adventure creating a new lifestyle for ourselves, yet we venture ahead with some fear and the memories of the loved one we lost will always be in our hearts and as we move forward the past pulls us slightly back.  It dims in time when we find our footing.  To this day I still can cry some tears missing my Ernie so much.  

I am also sorry that you were so sick on the CBD oil.  I detest taking medications so not even going to try that stuff.  Glad you are OK and that you're staying away from it.  Can work for some people, but not others and one has to be so careful the oil doesn't cause problems with another medication a person may be on.  Don't forget Mary that you are still grieving to a point and also making a big move so that's quite a bit on your plate.  You will do just fine and if you are worried by moving you'll leave Bob behind he'll always be with you no matter where you are.

I also will get into Ernie's robe every so often as if he's giving me a big hug.  Most days I'm OK, but every so often without warning I have a good cry and miss him with my complete being.  I do believe Bob is with you and that leaf that flew in was saying, 'Hi babe, still here.' 

Cats and dogs can sense when a spirit is around and long before we know or may not know.  I have no doubt Bob was there.  I told you about the time I was in the computer room and the dogs were with me.  I knew I heard the seat of toilet go up and a tinkle sound just around the time Ernie always use to get up to relieve himself.  I ignored it thinking I was hearing things, but the dogs hopped down and went directly to the bathroom and sat there wagging their tails looking up at where Ernie's head would be and he was 6' 6" tall.  Strangely enough the toilet seat was down.  Then I knew he had been there. It gave me such peace and that is what your Bob is doing.

My thoughts on you leaving the room and can't find your way back to Bob is he is in one dimension and you in another, yet he's in spirit and has no problem finding you.

Oh yes, I remember how many movies I saw on TV where either the wife or husband passed away and I had never seen so many in my life!  I would turn them off. 

Of course you can vent Mary and we're here to listen and try to help you through this new transition in your life.  You're going to make it girl!

Hugs

Marsha 

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 23, 2019 at 10:57pm

Today is the 3rd anniversary of Bobs death. I DIDN,t think it would bother me..but it has. Ironically, I cannot remember last year..so I checked my journal..and I DIDN,t write ANYTHING on that day.

I spent this day very quietly..thinking I would be ok...but I wasn,t. I have been sick since Wednesday..with a medication reaction...from of all things, CBD oil! I tried it for my osteo arthritis pain...Horrible spaciness, an instant skin rash, and IBS problems..so never again. The ironic part, is that it DID stop the pain...but I cannot,will not ever take the oil again. 

So I figured today would be mostly like every other day...but I caved and hugged and smelled his robe that still hangs in the closet, and cried, later I broke down and cried and hugged the container his ashes are in. Oddly, it is VERY VERY windy today, and when I opened the front door, a beautiful leaf blew in through the door..just one. Maybe a gift from Bob? I kept it...I am STUNNED to be so heart broken after all this time...but this period in my life is different..as I am getting ready to move back to California..and all our familiar things are packed...all my tangible memories...and I will be leaving the home we shared, where he died. Maybe that is why this anniversary seems so bad. 

My kitty has been unusually attentive...and keeps acting like he sees something that I cannot. I ask Rudy, my kitty, If he sees “Daddy” as he stares off into space intently...I really miss him tonight. So I am going to bed soon, so this day will be over...

Last night I had another dream about Bob...usually all my dreams are the same...I am with him, but I leave the room to get something, and can,t find my way back to him..but last night I dreamt we were together, but he had to leave..but amazingly each time he left the room, HE RETURNED. I wonder if that is significant. He came back to the room I was waiting in several times...he was wearing a blue checkered shirt,(he had a shirt like that)  and I DIDN,t have to search for him...cuz he kept returning to be with me. 

The final cherry on top: there was nothing on TV tonite, so I turned on the local PBS station, and they are playing the movie CAROSEL..a vintage musical where the male husband dies (sigh).

Thanks for letting me vent. 

Comment by Marsha H on February 17, 2019 at 6:11pm

Debbie ...  My condolences and although this isn't the forum all of us would like to be on it has saved my life.  The people here are experiencing grief in different time frames so never be afraid to come on and post.  We think of ourselves as a family and now you are included.  When one falls the rest of us are here to surround them to keep them safe simply by listening and letting them know we truly understand the person's feelings and that some of us have been there and we'll be sure you don't feel totally alone.  Although there are many miles between some of us (I'm Canadian) I feel as if I know my loving family here and so will  you.  You can say anything you want about your feelings and no one will judge you.  

I am so sorry that you have to watch the renovations on Tommy's house.  Most of feel that not having our loves with us that certainly there will be changes and we eventually, in time, get into our own routine.  I know that our loved ones are around watching over us so never fear Tommy is gone completely.  

My Ernie passed in 2011 from pancreatic cancer.  He had been healthy most of his life and at 6' 6" tall I never thought for a minute he would pass away before me.  I dimply went into a world of my own for the first year.  I still miss him to this day, but honestly feel he's still around protecting me.  In time you will feel somewhat better although Tommy will always be in your heart and you will start getting out more whether it's to take extra classes or volunteer.  I'm retired so chose volunteering.  I find the loneliness difficult as I have not made any effort to meet someone else and wonder if I will ever feel like it.  I have a very small immediate family and see them off and on.  Ernie and I were never able to have children so I have my two little dogs to cuddle up with.  Some of my friends still work and my older friends; one of the pair are not well.  I keep plugging away and there are happy days and of course those wonderful memories we had with our spouses.  You won't believe this yet, but I found in my grief just how much stronger I have become.  I am fortunate to have a male neighbor and a young man help me with the heavy things or fix something amiss.  For that I feel blessed.

So my dear, rest easy, don't feel you are dragging us down because we're all here for you.  You're NEVER ALONE!

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Sara Murphy on February 17, 2019 at 5:46pm

Debbie....I'm so sorry for your loss but glad you found our group.  Finding Legacy for me saved my sanity.  These angels are the only people who can understand this pain.  Please don't hesitate to post because you're afraid of being a "downer" and reminding us of the early days.  Those days are something none of us will ever forget so your posting will not be a reminder.  If one of us can say something that will help you even a little bit then that's what we're all here for so post away.

I lost my husband Ken just over 3 years ago in Jan 2016.  He was just 52 years old and we were together for 30 years, married for almost 27 of them.  He had his own business for 20 years which was right down the street from our house.  When he passed away, I had to sell the building.   The new owners began renovating the building and parking lot.  It's been so hard to drive by there and see them "ruining" the building that Ken and his partner had spent a lot of time and money renovating themselves just about 2 years before he passed.   This is all to say I understand how hard it is for you to see Tommy's house being sold and the new owners changing everything. 

I hope you'll continue to come here and share your thoughts.  We're here to help.

Wishing you peace,

Sara

Comment by Sara Murphy on February 17, 2019 at 2:34pm

Pete....I feel similar to you in both how alone I feel and how I feel about my possessions.  It also took me until this past July, 2 1/2 years after Ken passed, to name someone as an emergency contact and I only did so because I ended up in the hospital with my gallbladder needing to come up immediately.   I really should write a will but haven't been able to bring myself to do so. 

I think your story is also a good reminder to maintain our relationships with our family and friends.  Just last month I decided that for my niece's birthdays (ages 10-17), instead of buying them a gift, the gift will be "the gift of time".  I'll take them out for a day of one on one time, do whatever they want etc.  I'll get to enjoy the gift of spending time with them and they'll have the gift of the memories when I'm gone.

I pray that your health improves.  I think about you and all my Legacy family. 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on February 17, 2019 at 9:41am
Dear Chuck,
I have missed seeing your posts here. I am so glad that your wrote. Thanks for writing and also for writing so beautifully. Your prose brings the pleasure of reading and therefore is yet more therapeutic. Your analogy of our journey of grief with music is amazing! To use a musical metaphor, it touched a chord in my heart. It’s exactly as you write for me as well. The pain of losing Joseph after four and a half years is always in the background, every single day, all the time. But now it is in a minor key that gets muted, but is ever present.
I am glad to hear that you and Steve are doing as best as you can.
Love and hugs, Trina
Comment by Charles E. Nelson on February 16, 2019 at 5:47pm

Dear Pete,

I just wanted to say that I can relate very well to your words, and remember being asked when I was in the hospital being informed that Larry had passed many questions about his wishes, my wishes, etc. For weeks this seemed to be the great concern of many around me, while I kept thinking " I've just lost the only thing that meant anything to me in this world, and you're worried about wills and directives???!!!"

I felt for so long that I would be completely alone for the rest of my days, but God smiled and led me here where i found a reason to go on. Steve and I still bear our losses of Mark and Larry in our hearts daily, and discuss them sharing stories and memories whenever something prompts us to do so. We count ourselves fortunate and blessed.

I am sorry for your health troubles - wish we were nearby to visit and offer help some way. Just know that even though I may not post much these days, you still remain in my thoughts as do all my family here - 

Love, Chuck

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on February 16, 2019 at 5:22pm

Dear Debbie R

I am sorry for the loss that brought you here, and truly feel that the caring people I have met through this family has saved my sanity and my life.

I haven't posted for awhile, but your words compelled me to pop in again letting you and everyone know that even 4 years after losing Larry, the compassion and acceptance that have met my every post have meant more than I can say, and continue to do so seeing the support and encouragement flow between members old and those new to their grief.

Debbie, it may seem sometimes that your pain will never end, and we all know that feeling too well. For me, the best way to express my journey is that my deep intense pain has gradually transitioned into a sort of quiet background constant chord playing behind the music of my day-today life. It sounds in a minor key, and grows louder sometimes competing with or drowning out all other sound, then slowly fades again into the background - but it never goes away completely. Not ever.

I send you and everyone wishes for a peaceful weekend, and hope that when those minor chords arise in your own music, you can bear them with courage and grace - they have their own special beauty, however sad they be, as do all forms of music.

Love, Chuck

Comment by Debbie R on February 16, 2019 at 8:39am

Thank you all so much for your warm replies.  They made me smile but it's funny, I hesitated to post because after reading how many of you have been dealing with your own personal nightmare for years, I felt that by chiming in I'd be a true Debbie Downer by reminding you of how bad the hut feels when you first lose your best bud.  I was afraid I'd stir up your painful memories.

This is all just so strange and I'm having trouble getting used to the fact that when I open my eyes, it'll be another day without my precious Tommy (he was adorable, beautiful sparkly blue eyes and a beautiful smile too).  To make matters worse, although he and I weren't married he lived diagonally across the street from me.  I bought my house when we were 7 years into our relationship.  He was the perfect neighbor!  He'd walk across the street and we'd hang out by the fire pit or watch Jeopardy or Walker Texas Ranger or do one of the million things we'd do together.  Our neighbors said we had the best set-up ever, it was pretty funny.  He'd come across the street at 5 a.m. and we'd "snuggle" and I so miss those mornings, it isn't even funny.

His sisters sold his house and as I write the workers are over there renovating it and I can't stand seeing all the activity because I feel like they're trespassing.  I'm sure you might wonder why he didn't leave his house to me but I told him years and years ago to leave it to his family because we weren't married and I felt they should have it, not me.  The way I look at it, he left me with so many wonderful memories that I had no need for tangible stuff, like his house.

Well, it's Saturday and I'm out to go spend the day with my brother who's moving to the Philippines next month and I'll miss him terribly.  He's been my best friend since the day he was born and I'm dreading taking him to the airport.  It'll be like another "goodbye" that I'll have to come to terms with.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling but just felt like getting this off my chest.  I hope you all have a decent weekend and enjoy whatever time you spend with friends or other loved ones to the fullest.  Thank you again for the sweet replies.  They're priceless and I'm glad I found you. 

Comment by DJ on February 15, 2019 at 10:28am

Debbie, so sorry for your loss.  I lost my wife to brain cancer five years ago.  I stumbled onto this group when my heartache seemed unbearable. As much as none of us want to be here because of the price of admission, it was immediately the safe haven I didn't think could possibly exist.   We are all on this crushing grief journey - the path is different for each of us, but we know first-hand the anguish of being on it.  There are many Angel's here; I hope you can take some comfort from their empathy.

 

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