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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Janet McDaniel on August 20, 2019 at 7:43am

Thank you, Diane. I wish none of us had to be here, but I'm glad this place exists. I'm sorry that you lost Rich. Twenty-five years is a long time. Certain times of year are harder for me. May is when Ron died, the day after his birthday. Our wedding anniversary was in June, as is Father's Day. I imagine August is particularly hard for you.

I think signs and dreams are helpful. I've found such a change in myself since he died. He had struggled valiantly with depression, but as he got older and started taking antidepressants, he got worse and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder a few years before his suicide.  

I'm still learning to use this site. Please let me know if something I post belongs in another area. Thanks.

Comment by Diane C on August 19, 2019 at 11:27am
Hi Janet,
Welcome to our site. Although no one wants to be here, it is a really nice group of people. We are all here for the same reason. Some of us much longer than others. My journey began 7 years ago, on August 1st. It was our 25th wedding anniversary when my husband Rich died from pancreatic cancer. It was only a year from his diagnosis until his death. I still miss him with every breath I take. Some days are better than others, and every time I get a feather, I am elated. Your beautiful white feather sounds just that, beautiful and another connection to your husband Ron. Take care and I hope you find our group helpful.
Comment by Janet McDaniel on August 18, 2019 at 4:30pm

Hello,

It's wonderful to read about these feathers and how you are staying connected to the ones you lost. I'm new to this group but not new to losing a precious spouse. It's been twelve years now, and that is almost unbelievable. 

I do still feel my husband's presence in my life. I've found (and been sent) feathers now and then. One, a small, beautiful, white feather, was sent inside a gift my daughter had ordered for me. It was a bracelet, and she had chosen another token to come with it, but there the feather was...and I felt it was another connection to Ron.

Jan

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 14, 2019 at 6:23pm

The last feather I received was while standing in line at the county fair. It was a tiny one, but I picked it up and put it in my purse, then in a tiny jar at home.

i am in Northern CA now..and they r having a HORRIBLE heat wave. Today it was 100 degrees..of dry heat. Beat all the records...it would b ok..IF I had central AC...but I don,t...so I just sit here, in front of a portable little AC the kids got me. (Daughter and her hubby) it actually works really well..my only other option is a SWAMP COOLER. Which chills the hallway..but not the bedrooms..they have no fans. Ironically, it is better than OK..which has the humidity

Sara, it is nice to see you posting.

Comment by Sara Murphy on August 14, 2019 at 11:37am
Hi Everyone....Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I do check in and read your posts but I've been behind lately and by the time I'm reading them, the conversations have moved on so I don't post.
Mary Jane....I'm glad you're settling in better and taking control of your life. I know this move was a big shock to your system and sense of security but in the long run, it's good for you to be in close proximity to your daughter.

I haven't received a feather from Ken in a while. I have received other signs so I always know when he's around but I'll have to beg him for a feather. It's a tangible sign that I can hold on to. He knows the rules though. He's not allowed to send me a feather at work because there are so many Canadian geese or turkeys that feathers in the parking lot don't count.

Sending my love to my Legacy family
Sara
Comment by Diane C on August 9, 2019 at 7:33am

Hi Chuck,

That is an awesome idea for the "feather tree". I would love to make one myself, if you don't mind me borrowing your idea. I like the idea of it keeping us busy and off the streets for a while too.  ; )  It is such a wonderful thought that our loved ones (Mark, Larry and Rich) send these to us. They always bring a huge smile to my face when I see one. Thank you again for the great idea!! Hope all is well with you and Steve.

Love to you both!!

Diane

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on August 8, 2019 at 11:22pm

Hi Diane C,

I agree it is nice to see some of our friends sharing again here! I just wanted to tell you what I plan to do with the bag of feathers Stteve ad I have collected from Mark and Larry over the last few years. There are quite a few, still coming, and in all sizes and colors. I hope to find a small Styrofoam tree shaped form and stick them in to create a Christmas tree decoration to which we can add feathers as they are sent to fill it in. I will start with the larger ones at the bottom and save the smallest for the top "branches". Anyway, it will be nice to see this expression of Mark and Larry's continued watchfulness and love at the Holidays - and it will keep me busy and off the streets!

Love, Chuck 

PS - Yes, Marsha - we're waiting.....XOXOXO

Comment by Diane C on August 8, 2019 at 11:26am

Here's another NUT from the tree... So glad to see some of you posting again. Funny how we all sit back and wait for someone to make the posting move, as we all wonder how everyone is and hoping everyone is ok. So glad to hear Steve talking about feathers again. Rich sends me feathers occasionally, but I haven't had any this entire spring/summer. While walking through my yard last week, I said something out loud to Rich that I really missed the feathers. He produced just as I expected him to, I have had 3 in as many days. One day last year, I was feeling especially low and inside the garage, was a beautiful yellow and orange feather. I looked it up and it came from a woodpecker of some sort. Beautiful feather and IN my garage. I knew it was Rich trying to help me through my situation. I have a bag full of feathers, trying to decide what to do with some of the nicer "special" ones. I also believe he sends me hummingbirds. Because we always had trouble attracting them in the past. Not anymore, they are hitting the feeders hard. So nice to have small memories and gifts as I call them. Glad to hear from some of the family. Glad to hear you are coming around MaryJane.... Get that AC running and hopefully you can get more unpacking done. Hang in there, its bound to get better. Waiting to hear from Marsha.... miss you girl!!

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 8, 2019 at 11:06am

Gilroy is very close to my new home. The garlic festival has been  yearly event for decades.and I had been watching the festival LIVE on TV, as a local news lady interviewed  happy fair goers, etc BEFORE the shootings, enjoying the day. It was like I was there. One lady and a camera..reporting LIVE on the local channel. Suddenly,  people around her started screaming, running past her, etc. I watched the horror for the next 5 hours...unable to turn it off.

WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH???  How many people have to die before the gun laws change? 3 shootings in 3 days? WTF, people? But nothing will be done. If Sandy Hook didn,t change the laws, what will?  WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY?????

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 8, 2019 at 10:40am

OMG...I am so happy to hear from everyone! I have been living in a sort of Twilight Zone the last month...and not hearing anything from my Legacy family..was scary. Chuck, I didn,t get your email..but no surprise, EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING; big things, little things..has gone wrong. I won,t elaborate..but after my shock and frustration for the last few weeks..it is a GIFT to hear from y’all. The worst part, is I have lost my memory! (ie:...Last week Melinda and I were trying to set up one bathroom as a guest bathroom..like I had in OK...and I COULDN,T REMEMBER WHAT MY BATHROOM LOOKED LIKE! She was so frustrated with me. My life of a few weeks ago was MISSSSING from my brain! I had to look at the listing of my former home on ZILLOW to see the pictures, to recall it! Last night, one of my 3 best friends reminded me I was the same way when I moved to Oklahoma 15 years ago.and that was a huge relief. .

Then Sunday morning, I received a HUGE wake up call about my beloved cat, Rudy. (After Bob died..he became “my BABY”. I projected all my love and attention on him..everything revolved around his pleasure)...when I got here, my life continued that way..I was terrified something would happen to him, and he would die..he might break through a secure screen, so I wouldn,t open the windows too far..and was afraid to set up my portable A/C my SIL had purchased.even tho it is like a HOTBOX inside.this home..I was afraid he might get stuck behind boxes, I spent all my time worrying about his welfare..he sleeps on the bed with me all night, and when I take naps..I didn,t realize how far over the edge I had gone..obsessing and fearful to the extent of diminishing my moving forward with my new home. It was driving my daughter NUTS.My entire world revolved around Obcessive FEAR that he would die in some accident here...crippling my moving forward and unpacking, willing to live in a SWELTERING home..so he wouldn,t get crushed by the rolling A/C and die. SORRY FOR THE LENGTHY POST..but I wanted y’all to understand how crazy I had become.

Soooo, The quick version: in trying to get me to wake up and play with the toys he had brought up to the bed, he JUMPED at me, and BIT my exposed forearm..(he has done this before, with a gentle NIP) but this time, I JERKED my arm away..with his teeth still embedded in my arm, causing 4 HUGE  GOUGES in the flesh. It was deep and bleeding, and I was SHOCKED, angry, etc..and AFRAID..but it was a wake up call. (Yes I saw a DR). and “woke up”realizing finally, for all his 10 years of love, he is still an ANIMAL. I am still afraid he might do it again..unbelievably, that night, instead of putting HIM out of the bedroom I slept in the spare room! This is how far over the edge I had gone. No wonder Melinda has been so upset with me...

in one month I have become old, diminished, fearful, a shadow of my former self..but yesterday, I was able to unpack 3 large boxes..an the more I did, the better I felt. I am starting to wake up and take control over things I am able to do...as Melinda has done most of it...but I need to step up. Another quick post coming, about what Chuck said about the shootings.

 

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