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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on December 24, 2018 at 5:51am

It is 5:30 am..I just got up for a bit to let my kitty into the garage to hopefully poop..u see, yesterday I had to take him to an emergency vet for an anal gland problem which hopefully stopped further infections...so since I am kinda waiting for him...I looked here,.and found posts. I will b back up  in a few hours ..but was delighted to find all yr posts...it is very cold here, andmy arthritus is very very bad...I will post more in a few hours, but it is so good to hear from all of u...bye for now...Christmas eve,,,God I hate this holiday..but next year it will b different. I don,t seem to b in as much pain in California as here in Oklahoma..was able to function a few weeks ago when I was there...ok I am rambling...going back to bed..it was a very stressful few days having my kitty sick..but he has been up all night playing as I tried to sleep..so talk to u all later. 

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on December 24, 2018 at 3:50am

Hello everyone,

Well, it's officially Christmas Eve, 3:30 AM, and I am still awake and edgy. Maybe it's the full moon (always has had an effect on my sleep habits) or "holiday blues". Mostly, I think it's memories - isn't that what gets us all in the end - every decoration/movie/song evokes fond memories of our days with our loved ones departed from us. For us I believe the expectation to be happy or excited about Christmas or Hanukkah just makes it harder to muster even a fake smile.

Last week Steve and I attended a Christmas party at a beautifully decorated home of friends. Although I enjoyed being there with my now healthy Steve and talked with several people, in the background was this lurking memory of the last Christmas party I attended with Larry in 2014.

His friends in the antique business had just learned of his terminal diagnosis, and they pulled together the most amazing and elegant party for everyone in the area associated with antiques - shop owners, dealers, dabblers - and insisted we be there. Believe me, I was not up for a "party", but the hostess told Larry to let me know I was coming if she had to come drag me there!!!

After Larry passed in April of 2015, I learned from the hostess that the entire party was for Larry - so he could see friends and mostly so they could see him and say goodbye in their hearts. That these wonderful people loved him so much that they made all these arrangements in less than a week still brings tears to my eyes.

Anyway, I want to wish you all Merry Christmas with some peace and warm memories to help us into the New Year...
Love, Chuck

Comment by Sara Murphy on December 23, 2018 at 9:35pm

Hi everyone....I've been so busy with work the past couple weeks I haven't been able to post.  Glad to hear from Marsha.....I too was getting worried.

Mary Jane....I'm sorry you're struggling with your impending move.  I can only imagine what a weight it must be to leave the home you shared with Bob.  I hope I never have to do this myself. 

This is now my third Christmas without Ken and it's seems to be the worst.  I have absolutely no interest.  Ken and I had long since been fed up with the commercialism of Christmas.  Now without him I feel like I have all the stress and aggravation of running around looking for gifts but none of the enjoyment of spending time with him. 

Steve....I'm so happy you've had your last treatment and are on your way to restored health.

Todd.....I saw that you posted a week or so ago.  So nice to hear from you again.  I had been thinking about you and others that haven't posted lately so it was nice of you to check in.  Please let us know how you're doing.

I wish you all a peaceful Christmas or Hanukkah.

Love, Sara

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 23, 2018 at 12:16pm

Steve, I wiash you and Chuck  lived next door to me. 

Comment by Steve G. on December 23, 2018 at 8:56am

My dear Mary Jane,

The holidays are hardest for all of us.  For me it starts each week before Thanksgiving.  Mark had had several bad days that November of 2014.  The week before Thanksgiving, he asked if we could have our Thanksgiving dinner early.  He was feeling better and wanted Turkey and all the fixens early.  So that is what we did, he was so happy.  He ate turkey sandwichs every day.  Thanksgiving came and went and I could see him getting more and more depressed and spending most of his days in bed.

He suffered a few of his seizures and each one left him more exhausted.  Thanksgiving was on the 27th, he passed 3 days later.  Christmas came and I had to move out of our Apt on Jan 4th...a pre arranged agreement with management we made in October so they could remodel our apt.  We agreed to take the one on the first floor just beneth ours.  I managed with help from friends from work.

One week later I went home to my family in Florida, came back to Texas just in time for his birthday, Jan 19th and back to work.  

I believe Mark knew and wanted to pass on, he was ready, I was not.  February came and I found this site.  I posted my grief and read the responses.  The weight of it all lessoned, I began to heal, while not ever realalizing it.

Keep posting Mary Jane, it helps, even when it appears quiet.  There is not a day that does not pass without me thinki g about all of us and especially about our dearly departed.  We all keep moving forward together.

Love and hugs dear sister.

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 23, 2018 at 8:09am

I hope this lack of people here means everyone is having good days, or too unglued to post here. I am the latter. I have been going thru 50 years of photo,albums. I have two more albums left, then I tackle the loose photos. 

Weirdly, my cat has developed an infection...he used to get anal gland infections, but hasn,t had one in EXACTLY one year! So I am taking him to the vet this morning (Sunday). It is the only day I can get a ride, or they will be open. This isn,t even my regular vet,.they r closed. He isn,t too bad...ordinarily I wouldn,t take him..but I know if I don,t he will get bad and I will have no way to get him medical attention. My niece is driving 40 minutes to take me..and they said it would b an hour wait. 

i have the weirdest feeling that he developed this by “feeding off my stress”, which is at an all time high. I know dogs do this...but a kitty?  

No wishes for y’all yet..I will b posting all day tomorrow...lol.

Comment by deborah peck on December 20, 2018 at 11:28am

Mary Jane, no it isn't you, I watch the Christmas movies but they don't make me happy like before, its a hard time of year. I fell a couple of weeks ago and sprained my knee, not getting better so they are going to do an MRI, and then I had a sore on my other leg, next to my shin bone and turned out to be skin cancer again so had surgery 2 days ago and now am in  a cast from my toes to my knee, third surgery sent Greg assed away, think my body doesn't care anymore. I am telling everyone that I am excited for Christmas this year but in reality Im dreading it. I pray that one day we will all enjoy our lives again, its been 18 months for  me so I figure will be awhile. but love to all of you

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 18, 2018 at 1:08pm

Oh, Diane...I feel what you feel. We r all supposed to be happy, and buy useless presents that take so much effort, and all these cheesy Christmas specials..which seem to have lost something...it is probably me.LOL. I am sorry about your mom. That is the biggest fear my daughter has, and I do too...having to go somewhere and have minimum control over my care, with strangers...That is how my mom lived out her last years...but is seems like your mom is n a good place. 

Then, added to the mix that this is the season to be happy...what a crock of DOO-Doo. The “cherry on top” is we miss our partners so badly...it is overwhelming. All we can do is believe wholeheartedly that things will get better. Caring for and providing for animals is a wonderful way to make each day better. Last night I went to a small Christmas gathering...with a wonderful array of goodies. Sadly, their dog has been diagnosed with cancer...with maybe a year left ...but with that news, trying to restrict his food intake (except for very dangerous things like chocolate etc) isn,t an issue...and he was a very good dog, but milling around the tables with wagging his tale, being given food, happy, mobile, and it was the most wonderful experience...he liked the sliced ham the best. He lifted my evening...so keep helping the animals ... I think helping them is the most wonderful medication for the soul...I wish you all things good.

Comment by Diane C on December 18, 2018 at 11:27am

Marsha,

So good to hear from you on the site. Love your stories... Glad to hear you are having company over for the holidays. This past year I had to move my mom (84) and my uncle (82) to nursing homes. Of course they both opted for different places.... so I spend all my free time between both nursing homes. Yesterday I went to see my mom and the local catholic church was hosting an afternoon party. They adopted the entire nursing home and provided gifts for all. My mom can't get out of bed, so Santa made a special trip in to see her. She lit up like a Christmas tree when she saw him. She was very confused yesterday which is so hard on me, but we managed through it. My daughter will be stopping over next week and that will be the extent of my holiday. I told her over the weekend that the holidays just aren't fun anymore. I am sorry to have said that to her, but I really can't wait for all of it to be over with. I try really hard to make it different, but it just doesn't work. Went to a wedding over the weekend and missed Rich so darn much. He should have been there with me. Oh well, not a darn thing we can do about it at this point. Take care and enjoy your holidays!! Love what you are doing with the local animal shelter. I picked up our dog shelters' wish list yesterday when I got Zoe's license. I will provide them with what I can. That should lift my heart temporarily.... Love to you!!

Comment by Marsha H on December 13, 2018 at 5:41pm

Mary Jane ...  sorry to tell you that you are quite normal re the spiders.  I detest spiders with a passion and I've had to kill large spiders since Ernie's passing.  It's not that we are robotic, but they are not  here to do it for us so we get into a routine of getting rid of them.  I went to get into the shower one night and as I opened the bath curtains this spider came flying by me like a trapeze artist and I was sure it was in my hair.  i grabbed the bath mat and was swinging like Babe Ruth hitting a home run and then I lost that sucker of a spider.  I finally found him at the end of the bath tube and I took the shower hose and flushed him down the drain and you guessed it, put the stopper in the drain part to be sure he didn't come back up and pick a beef with me.  LOL 

 

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