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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on December 13, 2018 at 5:35pm

Dear Mary Jane & Trina ...

I read your posts re the heartbreak of selling your homes and move away and I do understand it's another form of grief.  Here is a true story that may help both of you.

When my father passed away and my mom was all alone in the house that my brother and I grew up in and moved closer to me it was a sad time and a big change.  There were so many fond memories inside the walls of that house.  Then when Ernie's parents passed away they tore the house down that he grew up and again, fond memories within those walls and even after when he met me; the laughter, so much fun and life was good.  Then in suddenly dawned on me that it's not the house at all, it's the people who lived in it making memories.  I honestly believe no matter where you move to that our spouses are still right there with us and set into a routine like we do.  Our spouses are in our hearts and close to us and nothing can come between that.  A house is not a home without the people in it.  The rest is fond memories and material things.  Hope this helps.  

I am in a situation where i live in lower mainland British Columbia and our homes here are so high in price.  I live in a small rancher on a fairly large piece of land.  If I were to sell I would only have to pay close to a million dollars for some condos (which I detest) and a small rancher with less property would be the same.  Normally we would sell our homes and hope to have money left over from a sale of a new home.  No true anymore at least here.  So, I did the next best thing and took out a reverse mortgage.  I had no choice.  Many people are in the same situation and no place to move to as everything is so expensive here.  I love my home, but if younger I would sell it and move into another rancher with a small piece of property, but at my age it's not plausible.  

Remember my dear friends ...  it's the people in the home that make that home!

Lots of love

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on December 13, 2018 at 5:20pm

Dear Trina ...  You are so kind and I appreciate the nice compliments.  When I don't see postings from certain people I pray they are finally settling into 'happiness.'  I have been super busy and ups and downs like everyone else.  Just getting things ready for Christmas and doing my dog shelter volunteer work.  Also have friends for a Christmas buffet and another one for my family.  This old gal ain't what she use to be.  LOL  

You hang in there my dear friend and I do think of you and others on her often.

Much love & Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 13, 2018 at 10:00am

Dear Trina, your post IS here...thank you so much. I DO feel as you did..that Bobs death was easier than this next step. I have already donated his clothes, and I think this entire thing would be easier if I wasn,t forced to list my house before Lenders will agree to lend me money for a new place..and they aren’t really motivated to lend money on a mobile home...they think I cannot afford both the mortgage plush the space rent...but that isn,t true. I have my savings, but do not want to use them to pay cash for a home.Factor in the COST of homes in the SF Bay Area...a mobile home is all I can afford...plus Bob wa an artist, and I have close to 100 FRAMED pieces of artwork, and a GIANT box of UNFRAMED art...that has to be removed from my walls b4 I can sell this HUGE house...sell or give away a lot of bulky furniture...I have already donated at least 100 boxes of stuff to charities, and everything is just overwhelming. Plus my daughter has been very patient, but this patience is wearing very thin.

I have heard the the universe/God never gives you more than you can handle..and this entire thing would be easier if I was younger and stronger..I was SSSOO STRONG when Bob was sick, and he died..but I think I used up all my strength for those 4 months. I also lost 20 pounds, and shrunk 3 inches in height. 

I feel diminished,overwhelmed and this is going to take a lot longer than my daughter hopes. And, I am not getting any younger..LOL.

so, thanks for letting me vent, and thankyou for sharing your experience and painful memories...I hope your life is much easier now. 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on December 12, 2018 at 11:43pm
Mary Jane,
I wrote a long reply to you but for some unknown reason I don’t see it anymore. It got lost in cyberspace.
I will write the response again tomorrow when I have more energy.
I can relate to your situation completely as I had faced a similar situation two years after Joseph’s death.
Sending you prayers for courage and perseverance. Hang in there!
Comment by Trina Mamoon on December 12, 2018 at 11:25pm
Dear Marsha,
So good to hear from you after your long silence which is very uncharacteristic of you. Your kind words of support and your sense of humor is something that so many of us here really look forward to reading here. So when we don’t hear from you for a while, we miss you and worry about you.
Glad to hear that you are keeping busy with things.
Sending you love and many good wishes. Hugs, Trina
Comment by Trina Mamoon on December 12, 2018 at 11:21pm
DJ, thank you for your kind note to us all on this site. Hope you are doing okay under the circumstances. Sending good thoughts your way.
Comment by Trina Mamoon on December 12, 2018 at 11:16pm
D
Comment by Trina Mamoon on December 12, 2018 at 11:14pm
Mary Jane,
I am someone who had to sell our beautiful house two years after Joseph’s passing and move to another state. Preparing the house for sale, moving out and finally selling the house was the one of most traumatic experiences that I had to weather. It was like a smaller death. I don’t quite know how I survived that terrible, terrible trauma. The help and moral and material support of a few good friends as well as throwing a lot of money for hired help was probably how I survived it. I haven’t quite gotten over selling that house that Joseph and I so loved. It has left me depleted, as it seemed that the house was a big earthly link to Joseph.
At one point I had to ask friends to come empty out Joseph’s closet after I had kept as many of his things I could. They came and took away his things (they kept a few items and the rest was donated to local charities); that was the only way I could let go of his things.
My trauma lasted for about a year... I feel very sorry for you as I have undergone the trauma of selling the home that I shared with the love of my life. I am sending you prayers for courage and perseverance. Hang in there!
Comment by Mary. Jane on December 12, 2018 at 10:12pm

Ok, this is for those of you who have lost yr partner for over 3 years or more, and uprooted your life to a new location. Is this normal, or am I going nuts?   I returned from CA a week ago..after looking at senior parks and mobile homes. Now, instead of sorting, discarding, packing, I haveen,t  been able to barely FUNCTION.

I sit here all day, online, or watching mindless TV..procrastinating not doing ANYTHING. I have done useless stuff,shopping on Amazon, or trying to pick an outfit for next Monday’s Bunko party..sent a few Christmas cards...I can,t even watch a movie I have wanted to see on Netflix! And the time just keeps passing, but really slowly. My house is in total chaos, and somehow I have to get it ready to SELL hahahahaha..and yet I don,t do anything. It has been like this all week. 

My brain has lost all function...this morning I slept until 10:45!!! 

But the real shock was when  I saw a spider on the kitchen floor, and DIDN,t even freak out! I calmly picked up the phone book and dropped it on the spider, waited a few mins, then picked it up with a tissue and disposed of it. (The spider, not the book) 

i am DEATHLY afraid of spiders..and usually I would still be terrified and really unrealistically stressed, worried his friends were going to crawl in..(no joke) but today, and the last 3 times I have seen a spider, there has been a weird DETATCHMENT like I am a robot. 

I am thinking, when Bob died...he was gone, but I was still here..nothing else changed...my WORLD changed but my surroundings remained the same. And underneath it all, I am TERRIFIED of this invasion INTO my world, and having to leave my home. Am I loosing  it? Did anyone else experience this? 

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 12, 2018 at 8:22pm

Yes, that is my daughter singing.

 

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