Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Comment by Mary. Jane on July 6, 2018 at 10:23pm

Maybe it’s a premonition, Deb,  of things to come! In a sense, that is kind of cool...that both of them would tell u that together. 

No, I never ever have dreams of dating..nor would I EVER actually date someone. Well, I might go out for coffee or  a meal or something social like a picnic or something. But that would be IT. I have absolutely NO desire to “meet” someone and date. And if it is a one to one situation...eventhat cup of would ONLY be with someone who was really interesting and crucial that person have a GREAT sense of humor. No physical intimacy. None. And I Enjoy being able to make my own decisions..first time in my life..and who knows how long this will last..I figure I have 10 good years left b4 I am put away in a home. I would say LOL..but at my age, I cannot take my life for granted. I am 71...

But, Deb..u r young! Life might have many adventures for you just around the corner!

Comment by deborah peck on July 6, 2018 at 4:35pm

I have a question does anyone else have dreams about dating, I don't have any desire to but keeps having these weird dreams and last night I dreamed both of my late husbands were together and telling me to go out, its very wierd

Comment by deborah peck on July 6, 2018 at 4:32pm

Mary Jane I have been told by hospice that sometimes its easier for them to leave when no one is around, my Greg passed within seconds of my daughter telling him he could go, she would take care of me, he didn't have a chance to be able to wait to be alone as my entire family was in our bedroom when he passed

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 6, 2018 at 2:52pm did everything that was possible. I don,t think you could have made his life any longer. You DID NOTHING WRONG!!!  Please stop doing this to yourself. It wasn,t in your was his, but mostly destiny and a higher power..and HE decided when he was ready. I know that, because Bob made that decision too. 

Bob was afraid of cancer his entire life. He KNEW that was how he would die. For our entire life together, every pimple, every pain, everything simple thing  he thought was cancer. For 35 years he avoided going to drs, cuz he knew they would find it. He lived this fear his entire life, waiting for it. I always thought if he ever got cancer, he would be terrible to live with, angry and resentful. Ironically, the exact opposite happened. During the whole ordeal, he was happy, funny warm, like he had just won the see, he DIDN,t have to fear it anymore. What he always KNEW had happened. Now, here is the part where HE died on HIS TERMS.

they sent him home in hospice..he was expected to live another few months, with meds, and his stomache feeding tube. The nurse came every day, to check and bathe him...but THEN one day  he couldn,t URINATE. The ONE THING he hated above all else was to be cathetorized. And that day, at around 11 am, the nurse put a catheter in him. That was it. He had endured everything else, operations, tests, barely being able to see cuzof the brain radiation on his brain tumors...everything. He knew. The night b4, he took my hand,kissed it, and said “THankyou”. He had enough liquid food for a month, but it was like he knew he had reached the end. He put up with everything else, but the catheter was the final thing. That morning, I asked him “Is Warren here?” He said yes. I knew his deceased brother had “been there” for a few months..there were pennies all over the place. But that morning after the nurse left, his presence was very strong. After the nurse left I sat by him, held his hand, but he was VERY agitated...and I left the room for a minute, and realized I DIDN,t hear him breathing on the baby monitor I always carried when I left for a minute. I ran into the room, but he was gone. It was so fast. I tried breathing into him, then I held him and finally shut his eyes. I covered himwith his soft blanket, but left his nose and mouth uncovered so he could breathe in case this was a mistake..but it wasn,t. I had held a mirror under his nose to make sure, and I told him how much I loved him, and held him for awhile..then finally called hospice. He was not in his body anymore, I think I talked to him in case Warren hadn,t taken him to heaven yet...I think I was too stunned to cry..THEN...but I am crying now. There was alook of fear on his face..but I KNOW with all my heart, that it was HIS DECISION to go. I have carried that last look on his face forever, fearing he was in stress, but now I know it was just hard to do that..and I believe that look was fear of leaving me..because he feared how I was going to get thru the life he had left me with..I know this because he is here all the time with me, and I just know he is NOT afraid at all..I know he is happy and content..but my point is, DEB...GREG made his own desicion that it was his time. 

We feel so guilty, but it was in theirs, and Gods hands...and I know we will all b together again. 

Ironically, I have NEVER EVER found piles of pennies again, like I did when his brother Warren was here. Just multitudes of feathers, and special rocks, and love.  DEB, you did everything you could...but it was Greg who decided when you would b ok..and he waited until he was sure. And, he is still there...we just have to look with our hearts...and we will know. Because love NEVER dies...we carry it with us from life to life..and Gred and Bob and all the other loved ones who are no longer here in human form are always with us, and always will be.

Comment by Steve on July 6, 2018 at 12:41pm

With Mark's illness we both knew that as time went on he would continue to get worse.  His family history for adult males had a high fatality rate and that health issues woild rear their ugly head around age 50.  Mark was born with all of the markers for this and symptoms were showing early on.  His immune system kicked in and he recovered, allowing a normal healthy life.  The down side, he was told by doctors that his chances of living beyond the age of 50 were slim.  Other males in his family would have symptoms after 50 with a window of maybe 10 years.

My point, I wonder had Mark not been told he would not live beyond 50, would he have lived longer?  He passed just two months before his 51st birthday.  In fact his worst year was his last year.

His knowing that he had a limited lifespan, gave him a different perspective about life in general.  He was not depressed or negative, he taught me a lot about living.  We talked a great deal about how to handle his or my own passing.  He did not like talking about his illness, he just accepted it for what it was.  He was quite an amazing person with a wonderful, childlike way of seeing the world we live in.  I can look back now and see that for us, I wouldn't change anything.

Comment by Mary Nola on July 6, 2018 at 12:20pm

DEBORAH, No do not think that way!    It was Greg's time.

Nothing would have changed, I believe when God calls our loved ones, they are done here and we have to go on.

You are a good person, you were there for him and he will bless you from above honey!!!

Comment by deborah peck on July 6, 2018 at 11:40am

Been having a hard time lately, I think its because of my Gregs decision not to have a feeding tube put in so he could eat at my sisters on our big family gathering and we all knew it would make the end sooner since he wasn't swallowing so he just got to eat 2 meals before his lungs filled up with food and he passed two days later at home. I think I go thru all the what ifs this time of year. Do you ever wonder if things were done differently would the end have been the same or would we of had more time with our loved ones or did they even want to be there. after Gregs stroke he could no longer eat regular food or drinks and couldn't talk well enough for anyone to understand besides me, his best friend told me Greg wouldn't want to continue like that, but how do we really know that or was his mind really good enough to have made the decision he did. I don't know the answers to any of that and wish he could tell me.

Comment by Steve on July 6, 2018 at 11:36am

Comment by deborah peck on July 6, 2018 at 11:08am

Steve I love the planter, I think Im going to do that, what website did you find this on

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 6, 2018 at 10:51am

This is sort of for Sara, who mentioned her dreams and fear of drowning. I have just reread all these compelling posts..and I remembered something I had forgotten. Mostly this scene is played out in older doesn,t matter what time period is is always the same. It is a peaceful  little any small village in any country...Asian, African,  western, Middle East, the British empire, whatever..but it is always the same. The village people are at the well, socializing, getting water, having a pleasant day..WHEN YOU HEAR THE RIDERS ON THEIR HORSES coming. Even as a little kid, I would scream inside my head..”RUN AWAY! HIDE! there were never guns,,only SWORDS! 

i could not watch this carnage, even if it wasn,t really shown on the was the screaming, and the slaughter..that wasn,t really shown it was a lauded to, but I knew  they were dead, and some were BEHEADED. That is how either how I died in a post life, or saw everyone die I know it. Even as early as childhood, I will never wear a tight necklace, a scarf colar..and to me being beheaded is the worst way to die. I can barely think of it.

back to Sara’s post..about seeing people in dreams that she knows she once wonderful that must be. And the thought of parallel universes..ever see the TV show SLIDERS? I find that riveting. 

One of the things Edgar Cayce says, is that we have lived on many different planets. The idea that only earth is inhabited is ludicrous. We were,tmeant to know..we would just screw it up.

there is a wonderful older movie which is a Science Fiction movie, but the real message is about love and acceptance and iswonderful. It is called “Enemy Mine” with Dennis Quaid and Lou gets a bit muddled, and there is a lot of gratuitous scenes about slavery...but the main message is no matter what our species, intelligent life is not so different after all. 


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