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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by Julie. Last reply by DJ Dec 6, 2020. 1 Reply

Grief so great it hurts

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Comment by Mary. Jane on January 9, 2020 at 10:54am

For Chuck or/and Steve..I have a request. Awhile ago, one of you shared an incident from the past, when your DOG saw your loved one after he had passed (it might have been through a patio glass door? ..and barked JOYFULLY with love and excitement..I cannot remember who posted it, or if it was Bella, but to me, that was the most awesome, wonderful affirmation  they are still with us. I have searched a bit...and didn,t see that post..maybe I have everything wrong...but to me, that was the catalyst that affirmed everything I feel...they ARE still with us, and will always be, until we join them. 

Comment by Marsha H on January 9, 2020 at 4:18am

Dear Sara ...  You are doing nothing wrong and, in fact, believe it or not you are trying to make a new life and move on.  You will never leave Ken behind because he is around you and in your heart.  He would be happy you are moving on and can you imagine if you kept feeling so guilty you couldn't move ahead how Ken would feel?  It is 9 years this coming April, Ernie passed away and I have worked hard to try and live my own life as best I can, but he is in my heart; I often will talk to him about my day (of course in the privacy of my home. ) LOL

  Here is a poem I did and I hope it helps.

WHITE LIGHT AND ANGELS

THERE IS A LIGHT THAT BECKONS ME

MY PAIN IS GONE, MY SOUL IS FREE.

ON ANGELS WINGS I SOAR ABOUT,

TO LAND ON FIELDS OF FLOWERS I LOVE.

A GENTLE WIND HAS TOUCHED MY FACE,

TREES BEND THEIR BOUGHS IN ALL THEIR GRACE.

I SENSE YOUR SORROW, FEEL YOUR TEARS,

I WON'T FORGET, YOU'RE ALWAYS NEAR.

DON'T CRY FOR ME BECAUSE I'M GONE,

I LOVE YOU SO, BE STRONG, GO ON.

IN TIME THAT LIGHT WILL BECKON THEE,

YOUR PAIN IS GONE, YOUR SOUL IS FREE.

ON ANGELS WINGS WE'LL SOAR ABOVE,

I'LL CRADLE YOU IN ARMS OF LOVE.

DON'T CRY FOR ME BECAUSE I'M GONE,

WE'LL MEET AGAIN YOU MUST BE STRONG.

BY MARCY MADAY  COPYRIGHT JULY 9, 1998

Comment by Mary. Jane on January 8, 2020 at 2:01pm

No, Sara,I don,t feel guilty about Bobs DOD...which like you, will be 4 years next month. Each previous year,I tried not to think about it..yes, I know that is crummy...but I think this year will be different..Sara..please don,t feel guilty that you are STILL LIVING..non of this was your fault, I think there is a REASON we are meant to continue on without them...and, besides, I KNOW Bob is still with me..it took awhile after I relocated, but he,s here. 

And, it really helped when I had that dream/out of body  experience..because he looked GOOD! And HAPPY! 

You, me, and all of us who were “left behind”  must have a purpose..otherwise we wouldn’t, all still be here. And you WILL see him again...but to quote a poem..we have “miles to go, before we sleep” and get to reunite with our loved ones..but for now..you were meant to LIVE this  life...with Ken still here, just in a different dimension. Maybe we were meant to make a difference...I like to think so...and we can,  as we carry the essence of Bob, Ken,and all our other loved ones with us...

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on January 8, 2020 at 12:19pm

HI Sara,

Yes indeed I very much experience these same feelings. When dates that are so meaningful to Larry and I approach I somehow expect them to have the terrible devastating effect they have had since his passing almost 5 years ago now. When they don't hit me as hard I feel like in some inexplicable way I am being untrue to my love for him. This gets especially complicated for me because I am now finding myself occupied with the day-to-day events large and small of my life together with Steve. Occasionally late at night when I am still up by myself I find myself remembering that some anniversary or other has slipped past, or a tradition was skipped without even thinking of it - then I look at Larry's picture and ask if he understands what I am feeling and forgives me. once or twice leading up to Steve's surgery I have felt especially nervous and frightened, when suddenly something quietly calmed me and I felt like I could breathe again. I know that this was the unseen hands of God, Larry, and Mark all keeping me steady so I can be here ready to take care of Steve. Maybe that sounds a bit out there, but it makes me feel that if things were reversed, and Larry was here with someone to love and care for, I would be doing exactly the same thing for him.

Sara, Ken knows and understands everything now far better than you or I will until we are together once more with our loves. We both have reasons to be here, mostly to do whatever good we can for whoever God puts in our paths. Time may dull our heartaches a bit, and the need to carry out the tasks of living may seem to overshadow our grieving, but we all know here that nothing could or would ever diminish our love for our spouses, and that sharing love with others does not divide our capacity to love, but multiplies it.

I will be thinking of you this weekend and especially on Monday - do you remember the time I said to you years ago that as you sat on your sofa unable to move you were so sad and alone - I said I was there with you holding your hand. Well that little tickle you feel in your palm on Monday will be me.

Love and many hugs my sweet friend,

Chuck 

Comment by Todd B. Goodrich on January 8, 2020 at 12:05pm

Sara, prayers to you dear sister! Four years for me as well this Feb. 14th. You got this! Hugs to ya!

Todd

Comment by Sara Murphy on January 8, 2020 at 11:45am

So Monday will be the 4 year anniversary of Ken's passing.  I can't even believe it's possible that 4 years have passed.  I sill feel like it was yesterday most of the time.   The past 3 years I had taken the 13th off from work but this year, I'm planning to come in.   I can't help but feel guilty about that.  I know that Ken would know my working in no way means I'm over him or any such thing but yet it feels wrong.  I'm trying to not be paralyzed by that day.  Does anyone else deal with these feelings of guilt?  I know life goes on but some things seem more wrong than others.

Comment by Mary. Jane on January 8, 2020 at 10:17am

I echo what everyone has said here...and I know you will be Fine Steve...I have, absolute faith that we all met for a reason here..so we could remind each other that we were knocked down, and were so alone..yet somehow we found this place..and even if we don,t always post replies, I KNOW all of you know we READ all the posts, and our silent prayers reach their intended goal. 

I don,t think I have EVER experienced this in any other aspect of my long life...and no one outside understands how powerful this site is...but I feel that my support and prayers are FELT by each of you, even if I only THINK them.

So, Steve...I know you will be ok...I just hope you aren’t in pain...and your recovery is fast! Luv u guys... 

Comment by Marsha H on January 8, 2020 at 5:41am

Steve ...  Be a good boy or I'm going to have to come out there and be nurse Rachet.  You won't like it!  LOL

Love ya

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on January 8, 2020 at 5:40am

Deborah P ...  Prayers are said from me to you and I'll continue to do so to give you the strength you need.  I know how you feel because my girlfriend's husband passed away on the very same day my Ernie did April 27th.  She is having such a rough time and not getting much support from family so we talk a lot on the phone and I've been out to visit her.  In some ways it helps me forget about my loss and help her.  Telling her what feelings are normal and sometimes making her laugh.  Other times it does bring up memories of what I went through caring for Ernie to his final day and I shed a few tears, but again, helping her is good medicine for me as well.  She is so lucky to have you and I think she knows it.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on January 8, 2020 at 5:37am

Chuck ...  I am so very happy prayers were answered (still praying for the both of you) and that Steve is recovering nicely.  Give him a gentle hug for me.  You know how men can be when they are not well.  LOL  Tell him if he misbehaves I'll have to fly out on my broom and come kick him in the butt. 

Love to you both and praying this year is a much better one for you both.

Love & Hugs

Marsha

 

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