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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Sara Murphy on October 21, 2018 at 9:31pm

Mary Jane.....Yes, anger is one of the stages of grief.  I myself haven't felt anger towards Ken but I do feel it towards the people here who say stupid things.   I am however currently dealing with the same type of stress you have with your move.  For me, there's some big projects around the house that Ken was supposed to be here to oversee but now it's fallen all on me.  First, I need to have a dead tree removed from my front yard which is the smaller of the projects.  The big one is having a new roof put on the house.  Ken and I had talked about needing to do this a few years ago but his health got worse and now here I am having to deal with it alone.  I did ask Ken's brother to come by and take a look at the quotes which he'll do this week so that's eased my stress level a little bit. 

I do hope you feel better after releasing some of your anger. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on October 21, 2018 at 11:36am

THankyou, Steve and Deb.

Comment by deborah peck on October 19, 2018 at 11:05am

I think anger is a part of grieving, I have done it with both my husbands but with Greg more so as to me he cased his own death by continuing to smoke after having had a triple bypass that docs didn't think he would survive to having mini strokes and being told his smoking had caused it all. I yell at him once in a while and tell him he promised not to make me go thru this again but yet here we are, I think part of it is we need to blame someone. 

Comment by Steve G. on October 19, 2018 at 7:52am

Those feelings are quite normal Mary Jane.  Anger is perhaps (for me) one of the best avenues to healing.  For me it was as my body and soul was kicking out all the garbage we store up within ourselves.  Lots of couples have/had good times and bad times.  Anger seems to take care of those memories and allows us to move on and remember the "best of times", after all that any of us have gone thru in our personal lives, bottom line we loved our dearly departed.  So, for me, anger was my way to forgive and forget.  By forgive, I am referring to me, myself and I...

We tend to forgive those we love and forget to forgive ourselves.  I think anger is important to getting better, when my father died I had so much hate stored up against him that I felt nothing for him.  It was not until 14 years later and just 2 months after losing Mark that I found myself on the side of the road crying.  Crying because I had just passed the exit for Dothan, AL, which is where my father and stepmother had retired too.  As soon as I saw the sign, all of those bad memories from my childhood to adulthood swept through my mind in a few moments, out of nowhere, something deep inside told me that I needed to forgive him and that I would also need to forgive myself for holding onto all that hate.  That is when I lost it, that is when I felt as if someone lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.  

I still remember everything, I just no longer hate him, after all he loved my mother very much and he did love my sister and me.  He made some bad choices in life, which I  am sure he regretted.  That moment, that day was a huge turning point for me.  I still have days that anger me, especially when my mind remembers those last few fleeting moments of his life slipping away right in front of me.  I guess that memory will never leave me alone, but, the anger of it is fading, especially when I look at a few of his personal items that I did decide to keep.  He loved cuff links, and had quite a collection.  I kept them all, each one has a different meaning with a good memory attached to it.

Moving is stressful enough, allow yourself some time to get it all out when necessary.  When I was packing my things, I kept a lot of stuff that I should have gone through.  Later on when I was in a better place, I started going thru all the remainder of his things that I packed up.  I kept his journals and his cuff links, they reside in my night stand drawer.

Take care of yourself Mary Jane, you are doing just fine.

Comment by Mary. Jane on October 18, 2018 at 9:14pm

Ok, kids..there is something I need to know.

Have any of you felt RAGE. Huge searing RAGE...an anger of the loss,  that nearly drops you to your knees? I felt that this evening...I had a realtor come to my house for a vague estimate, and what I should do to my house etc..later, I realized I was really stressed, that that visit made my having to move REAL and terrifying.couple that with the journal I found yesterday about a bad period in our marriage...so I was already angry...

I have also been downsizing...trying to decide what to keep, what to donate....and having difficulty with some of Bobs stuff, like Knick  knacks .I should keep THIS item,because he really liked it...bla bla bla..even if I hated it..and it will take up space...which I won,t have..and THIS HUGE ANGER came over me...He’s GONE! He left me, and now I have all this crap, and i Had forgotten what an a$$hole he could be sometimes in the past...and I got SO ANGRY!!  Like I have ever felt before...blinding anger at the unfairness of it all!  When it subsided, I shredded the bad pages of the journal..but am I alone in feeling this?  Or, did I read somewhere that anger at the person who is gone is normal?

Comment by Mary. Jane on October 18, 2018 at 8:54pm

Thank you Steve. You always make me feel better. I would like to say that I know you will b ok...but your bravery is awesome, and an inspiration. I admire you so much. There is a lot more I would like to add..but don,t know how to put it into words without sounding like a marshmallow. :-)

Comment by Steve G. on October 18, 2018 at 12:48pm

I too Mary Jane had/have still some of those embarrassing moments especially in groups of 4 or more.  I just refer to it as "Old Timer's Disease", especially when I lose my train of thought while speaking...makes everyone else laugh, and then I usually just get quiet and let others do the talking.

It really does not happen to me as often as it did in my first two years after Mark's passing, but it still happens.  I never drive anywhere in the Dallas, Ft. Worth area without my GPS talking to me, because I can get distracted...seems that when I am talking my brain does not remember to tell me that the exit I need is next...I have never been one of those folks that can chew gum and walk, nor can I sing, least of all sing and move at the same time...

Once when I was walking Bella just after Mark's passing, I looked down and saw my shadow.  I suddenly did not recognize it, and I thought, have I finally become just a shadow of whom I used to be?  As we continued the thought lingered as tears welled up, then this song popped into my brain "Objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are", one of Mark's favorite by Meatloaf.  It made me smile and forget what I was thinking about.  He would play it over and over again...was not one of my favorites.

Nice to hear we have name for our grief conditioning that we must all deal with.  Thank you Mary Jane, hugs to all...

Time for me to head out for my next radiation treatment...

Over all, I am feeling good and very positive about beating this cancer once and for all...

Love

Steve

Comment by deborah peck on October 18, 2018 at 12:23pm

Mary Jane, thank you for posting the link, copied it to my facebook page, I learned this at a grief seminar but had forgotten and was starting to think Im getting dementia so reading this and confirming that Im not the only one is a big relief.

Comment by Sara Murphy on October 18, 2018 at 11:18am

Mary Jane....those journals are really a double edge sword--nice to re-read the pleasant memories but not so nice for the unpleasant ones.  I hope as you read through them you'll find more happy memories and smile.

Comment by Sara Murphy on October 18, 2018 at 11:09am

Deb,Yes, that says it all.  In fact, I'm going to copy it and post it on Ken's Facebook page on the anniversary of his passing in January.

Steve.....I also find your post to be so true.  One of my frustrations is with people dismissing my feelings in an effort to be helpful by saying "don't feel that way/Ken wouldn't want you to feel that way".  I think I'll post that one on my Facebook page.

 

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