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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Sara Murphy on October 7, 2018 at 9:31pm

Deb.....It really would be wonderful if people would just do those things.  Unfortunately most people think saying "call me if you need anything" is sufficient and they only really mean it for the first few months after the loss.   Although  I don't want any of my family/friends to go through this grief, I'll know better how to be there for them when it does happen.

Comment by deborah peck on October 5, 2018 at 11:46am

no one has ever done that for me but I have done it for others, giving is a powerful healer

Comment by Mary. Jane on October 5, 2018 at 10:30am

Well said, Deborah. I would have never thought of that, since I don,t drive. Did someone do that for you? That is a wonderful thing. 

I have just learned, a group have friends I used to work with, have rallied around another former co-worker/friend who is dying from throat cancer...on a visit to the sick woman, they noticed there wa so much to do..laundry, cleaning etc..that the sick person hadn,t been able to manage..so they got together and completely cleaned,did laundry,  and fixed pre prepared meals..etc. what a wonderful thing..she had been too proud to ask for help. She is only in her 30,s...never smoked a day in her life...and is now in the hospital...

if I knew how to drive, my entire life would be/have been different. I have so much time..I just can,t get to places. That is a wonderful idea, Deb...and, in my future home, I will be living within walking distance of people...I will make it a point to help whenever I can, instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I have been the recipient of such wonderful help from others, getting me to places..etc...I welcome a chance to,pay it forward.

Comment by deborah peck on October 5, 2018 at 10:18am

dear Marsha, I think your friend doesn't contact you because she sees her husbands own mortality when she talks to you and that is hard.I know how it feels to lose people after your husband passes but its been from me, I chose not to return calls and invites and now no one contacts me because they are probably tired of being turned down and I don't blame them. A few of them just cant handle me not being my cheery self anymore and they too are gone, its all very sad as all we need is time. You sound like you are very much a people person so as hard as it is let your friend do her own thing and contact your friends who are there for you and maybe eventually this friend will contact you

Comment by deborah peck on October 5, 2018 at 10:09am

I think it would be great for people to just act when someone passes, by that I mean show up months later to clean your house, just sit and have coffee, fix a meal, its random acts of kindness that we need not being told how sorry they are, we need comfort and sometimes words aren't enough

Comment by Mary. Jane on October 5, 2018 at 9:16am

Marsha, I mean this in the kindest way..but I loved your rant!  Thank you for sharing...now I know I am not crazy..(well, a little crazy,,lol) yes, the entire week has been weird...but yesterday seemed to b the culmination. I am with you my friend...that person isn,t worth your time, and the entire week will go down in history as one of those things life throws at us. 

People come in and out of your life...maybe it is time your friend is out. Maybe she is doing something she is hiding in her life...so the heck with her! Thanks for0posting that..helped me feel I am not going crazy. Maybe today will get better. Go with God, my friend.

Comment by Marsha H on October 5, 2018 at 4:23am

I've had a whole weird week!  First the two banks I deal with suddenly changed the numbers on my phone account where  I pay bills from and a new code, but never contacted me about it.  This couple Ernie and I were close to have kept in touch at first, but little by little I see them less.  Her husband now has cancer and when they invited me out 3 months ago I asked her to keep in touch so I'd know how her husband was doing.  Now it's 3 months and no calls or even smoke signals.  It infuriated me and what's changed?  Yes, Ernie passed away, but I'm still here and almost the same person with a good sense of humor and they seem to enjoy my company.  I thought perhaps things weren't going well so I relented and called her.  I got 'oh, just got out of the shower.'  Yeah, so, dry off and call me back is what should have happened and what I would have said.  I quickly asked how her husband was doing and if he had started chemo as he was diagnosed over 3 months ago and he has not so now I'm scratching my head wondering what is going on.  In the same breath she said her friend was coming down to stay a few days re surgery and this so called friend just uses her for a place to stay.  She promised to phone me on Thursday and it's come and gone and no word.  It hurt my heart big time and I don't deserve it.  She has time to do the things she wants.  Then on Thursday evening was suppose to go to Bible Study (great group of people and we have some good laughs as well) and it was suddenly cancelled at the last minute as the person having the Bible Study was ill.  I can sympathize with that, but just when I needed it.  It's a long weekend here and it's already beginning to become a drag.  Then Thanksgiving dinner at my brothers was changed 3 times and all due to their son fitting it into his hockey schedule.  I am so sick of hearing about some of my friends spoiled adult kids (in their 30's) and I wonder why they aren't more independent and most have no manners at all.  Often I wonder if it's me and perhaps I'm to sensitive, but when I've talked to others they feel I have good reason to be hurt and angry.  Sometimes I just feel like I'm on another planet!  Everything is coming at me and so many things have changed technology wise and I just want to hibernate and not wake up until spring.

Thanks for listening to my rant.  

Comment by Mary. Jane on October 4, 2018 at 10:29pm

Oh Sara..it wasn,t till BOb died that I understood the silence of others...as I used to be one of those people...at complate loss of words. Afraid I would say the wrong thing, cuz I had no idea what would bring the grieving person comfort, OR what if Insaid the wrong thing, and my words would make the person who,s loved one had died, start crying. So I think I uttered the same basic platitudes hoping they would be of some comfort but Not really knowing what to say, so I said little. And after the initial I am so sorry, then shamefully, avoidance of the bereaved person. 

There should be somewhere people can go, to learn what to say to someone who has lost a loved ne, but there isn,t. Not in this country. Instead, we try to avoid the person who has facd the loss mainly because wedon,t know what to say...and we are afraid our word will be the wrong ones,  andmake the berieved feel worse, and they will cry.

i think it would also be helpful, if after some time was passed, we should contact the berieved, and ask if they are doing ok...let them know we still think of them,instead of avoiding them. 

what would you want people to say to you? Maybe we all should Try to write some sort of protocol of things people can say, as they honestly don,t know. I DIDN,t...in the late 80’s a friends baby died a crib death. It was horrible...and she never got over it. Mostly we just listened to her..and tried to be sympathetic..but after almost 2 years...we started to avoid her..God forgive me, but that is what I did too. Now I understand..but I DIDN,y know then...so I just listened. It was horrible..after the infant died, her husband brought is unknown girlfriend to the funeral, then told my friend he had wanted a divorce and this was at the funeral of her baby! I lost contact for about 20 years, but found her on Facebook again...she never had another child, or remarried.so sad. Life can b so cruel.

we here, should name a special day, that we can all raise a glass f spirits, and toast each other’s soulmates. We are the ones LEFT BEHIND to,pick up the pieces of our shattered lives and try to move on. So, here,s to Ken, and your wonderful life together...I guess a long life just wasn,t in the cards for you two...but we pull it together somehow,,and pick up the pieces and move on. And, I know this is so true..even if I had known BOb was going to die, and I would be left with the mess I am n..I wouldn,t trade those years for anything.There are some very lonely people who have NEVER had a love...but we are the lucky ones, who did.we lost them, but not the love Nd the memories, and that is worth more than any riches in the world. 

Comment by Sara Murphy on October 4, 2018 at 9:39pm

My aversion to that new show isn't so much the suicide part but as Deb says, the spouse dying part.   I remember one of the commercials had one of the characters saying "what do you say to someone who just lost their soulmate" and my only thought was "Damned if I know because I certainly haven't heard it".  I also felt angry at the characters raising a glass and toasting their friend.  It made me wonder if anyone has ever raised a glass in Ken's honor.  I wouldn't know.  I've spent the last 2.5 yrs wondering if his friends even think about him.  Could be but they don't mention his name in my presence.  It may be a well written show but I have a bad attitude towards the lack of support I feel I've received from friends (although part of me thinks I expect too much) and this show brings that up for me.

I've said this many times before but if it wasn't for the support I've received from my Legacy family, I don't know where I'd be right now.  Thanks to all of you.

Love,

Sara

Comment by Mary. Jane on October 4, 2018 at 9:32pm

Ok, kids this is a very strange question...but in my world..TODAY has been extra WEIRD! Ya know those days when everything seems out of place, or everything seems to go wrong? Well,for me, today was one of the strangest days ever...

i know this has nothing to do with grief..or maybe it does...as I am not the same person I was before BOb died. I don,t have the focus, or the ability to weather the small stuff...I spoke to my SIL, and she said the day had been weird for her, too..and I was just wondering  if I was loosing what brain cells I might still have, or did anyone else experience anything out of the ordinary.. or what stands for ordinary since our loved one died?

i have a lot of strange days...but I am also MORE STRESSED than I have ever been...even more so than when Bob died. I am trying to downsize, pack and donate...purge, and have contacted a realtor and been approved as a great person to loan money for a house.

it is all happening WAAAY too fast. I am NOT ready!!  My daughter will be here tomorrow night, for 6 days..to purge,pack or toss...and she even mentioned that I should talk to a realtor HERE! I am in a state of absolute TERROR!! I can,t have a realtor come here...  I haven,t cleaned my oven in 3 years, the carpet is filthy, and the guy who approved a loan for me is a moron. I am serious...when he checked my credit, he said my mortgage wasn,t on Experian..was it paid off? and I should call my lender to see . ARE U KIDDING?  He actually wanted me to call the bank and see if Bob had mortgage insurance.I asked him why he DIDN,t check with the other credit companies...but he said he only uses this one. OMG! So I checked and of COURSE my mortgage loan was there I don,t think I want a loan from this company..all I wanted was a paper I could show to sellers what good  credit I had. I am so scared. 

My life was fine, ..and then Bob died, but I got through that, and now I am expected to change what is left of my life DRAMATICALLY...and it is just too much. This all started  when I updated my IPad...and everything was different and wrong...then I started getting spam and phishing emails today, and on and on. Little things, but I just want to crawl into bed, shut my eyes and have it be over. 

Thanks for letting me vent. The only thing keeping me sane is my kitty, and I am so terrified of him dying, I follow him around the house all day. (I am not kidding)

Oh yeah..and Apple changed the keypad on my device and I keep hitting the wrong buttons..ok that one is funny. Bye Y,all.

 

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