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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by Julie. Last reply by DJ Dec 6, 2020. 1 Reply

Grief so great it hurts

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Comment by Steve Cain on November 27, 2020 at 2:01pm

Hi Chaya,

The way I greet our newcomers is as sorry as I am that you had to find us, I'm glad that you did find us. When I started this group not long after I lost Kris, I figured there might be 5 or 10 people who would join. To see how large this group has become humbles me, as much as I wish it only needed to be a group of 5-10 people, but as we know, such, sadly, is life.

As Mary Jane said so well, you will start to heal. My Mom told me after she lost my Dad, you never "get over it" which is true, however, you become a new person because of your journey that several years from now when you look back at what you are saying, thinking and doing you will be amazed at how far you've come.

After I lost Kris, I became very disoriented in my life, which scared me because I was a very organized person, sometimes possibly overly so. I learned that for me, this was normal and OK. These are phrases you will probably hear a lot, especially from us. What you are going through is normal for your journey and how you are thinking and feeling are right for you. Never let anyone, family or friends, tell you how you "should" grieve, although there are those who will, sometimes well meaning, sometimes because they will be uncomfortable with you displaying any emotions. Do not let them get to you, this is your journey, not theirs.

Another piece of advice I always give is to contact your local hospice. Many of them have programs that you can sign up for. During my initial time I had a companion who came by weekly during the first year, then monthly during the second. He was a great help, especially when I figured out that my then stepson had managed to hack into our bank account and was stealing from me. They also put me in an excellent group, which really helped because I realized that I was not alone, there were other people going through what I was going through, which gave me, oddly enough, a sense of security.

I thank you for putting your trust in us, I hope we can continually earn that trust.

Comment by Mary. Jane on November 27, 2020 at 8:50am

Happy Thanksgiving all. Nice to meet you, Chaya. I am Mary Jane, and my husband of almost 49 years, died of brain cancer almost 5 years ago. YOU WILL START TO HEAL..I promise..you will get better with time. I say YOU, because IT never gets better, but YOU will. 

A lot of us keep journals..I did, and it was a HUGE help.Also, finding THIS  SITE was wonderful. Here you can vent your grief, and your ANGER..and we understand. You will find, your friends and relatives will think you should be “over it” in a short amount of time.They have no idea. Whatever works for you.

I lost my memory, or remembered things in an altered way. NOW I am starting to recall his death as it really was.. It is painful, but healing. I have become angry, but it is a GOOD anger. 

On a different subject..for all,of you..the last year has diminished me physically and mentally, as have a lot of folks. We don,t need a pandemic along with our grief. But, I plod thru each day..I stopped social stuff here at the senior park..somI am pretty isolated. My kitty keeps me sane, and gives me comfort.,

I would advice anyone who is alone, to have a pet. We still have love inside, even tho our loved one is gone, and caring for something besides ourself is crucial to our well being...yes, and even a GARDEN or a HOUSEPLANT works..as long as we have something to nurture.Inhave become very involved with the many birds around my home..surprisingly rewarding..for both the birds, AND me. ALSO I write a MONTHLY column in our monthly publication..I have cart blanc to write whatever I wish, and it is very rewarding, to know people are reading my ideas.

And so, my friends, I wish you well.

Comment by Steve G. on November 26, 2020 at 4:53pm

Wishing peace and comfort to all on Legacy.

Chuck and I had a safe and quiet Thanksgiving, just the two of us. 

Sending out virtual hugs to one and all!

Comment by Sara Murphy on November 26, 2020 at 4:18pm

Hi everyone..….I hope you were all able to have a happy and safe Thanksgiving. 

I see we have a new member.  It seems odd to say welcome to Chaya as this is a group no one wants to join but without this forum, I myself may not have made it this far. I'm sorry for the loss of your wife.  This is a big loss so please don't feel as if you need to rush through it.   I assure you that at 11 months, you are not "that" person.  I lost my husband in Jan 2016 so coming up on 5 yrs.  We were together for 30 years.  I met him when I was 20 and lost him when I was 50.  It was 14 months before the heavy weight in my chest started to abate.  Prior to this loss, I hadn't realized the phrase "heavy heart" was a literal thing.  I thought it was just a figure of speech.  Come here and talk with us about how you're feeling.  This is a safe space with no judgement.

Sending hugs to all,

Sara

Comment by deborah peck on November 20, 2020 at 7:47am

Dear Chaya, Losing a partner leaves such a void as to any other death, I think its because they are our best friend, our goto when times are rough, a safe place to land. Without all that we have to figure out how to live life with all these emotions going on in our head all the while trying to function "normally", its okay to have bad days or weeks, its been 3 1/2 years since my Greg passed, not a day goes by that I don't think or talk to him, his ashes sit in my family room because he is still such a part of me. While I have went and took down a lot of the pictures I put up right after he passed I will never not see him as part of my life still. wishing you love on this journey

Comment by Trina Mamoon on November 14, 2020 at 1:37pm

Hello Chaya,

You have come to the right grief site where we give support to each other and help one another to make it through the most difficult of the moments in our journey of grief. 

It's wonderful that you are doing the good works of helping those in need during this pandemic. Not only this helps take your mind off your grief for a little while, but people are getting help in the name of your Bridgett. I am sure she is proud of you. 

The one year mark of the day we lost our precious spouse/partner is one of the most difficult of all marker days that we will ever face. For Joseph's first anniversary of passing, I flew to Ithaca, NY--coincidentally where you have now moved---from Fairbanks, Alaska with Joseph's ashes. He had wanted to return to the place where he was born. With a small group of about 15 family members from both my side and Joseph's side, we buried Joseph's ashes under a big oak tree in Robert Treman State Park, a place where Joseph would visit with his family as a boy. That day, August 4, 2015, surrounded by loving relatives, I "laid" Joseph in his final place of rest. It was a beautiful day and the act of celebrating Joseph's life and laying him to rest in a place where he wanted to return was bitter sweet to put it mildly. Joseph had returned to his birthplace, but not as he had envisioned he would, but in death. He was 49 years old when he lost his battle to lung cancer.

As one of our dear sisters on this site, Marsha, I would suggest releasing a balloon into the sky with a message to your beloved wife on the anniversary. (Marsha has not participated in our conversations in a while, and I am taking the liberty of passing on her wisdom here to you; I am sure she would be alright with my doing so.)

This year for Joseph's anniversary, even after six years, for a month or more before the marker day, I was full of anticipation and anxiety, so I can totally relate to your feeling of anticipation. As you are finding out, grief and tears come and go like waves. Some days the waves are 10-feet high and brutal when it seems our heart will just explode. Other days or moments the grief and tears are muted, in the background as small ripples in the water, only slightly visible. 

I wish you courage, strength, and peace as you walk the journey of grief and loss. As Chicago remarked, grief is not something you get over, it is something you go through. So take one day at a time and go through it as best as you can.

Sending warm wishes and good vibes your way for you to make it through one day at a time.

-- Trina

Comment by Steve G. on November 14, 2020 at 5:53am

The first year is the hardest for all of us, somehow we get through it and life goes on around us.  I was still working then and work was my distraction.  I felt comfortable there among people I had know for years.  It was the trip home each night, our dog Bella kept me busy when home, but still I felt out of place and alone.  Grief is like a rollercoaster of emotions, one day up next day down.  We each find our own way in our own time.  I found that my work friends were far more tolerant and compassionate than anyone in my own family.  Our dog Bella kept me happy just by being there and by taking long walks together each evening.  Dogs are more attentive and aware of human emotions than we give them credit for.  

You are doing what is best for you and in your own time.  Each new day brings something better than the day before, as we cannot change the days past, we can only live in the new day before us.  Be yourself, take care and know you are not alone on this new journey.

Hugs

Steve

Comment by CHAYA SPECTOR on November 13, 2020 at 7:15pm

Thank you Steve G.

Yes... all losses pale compared to losing Bridgett. It took me until I was 45 to meet the woman of my dreams and 25 years  just wasn"t enough time... I didn't see myself alone and in grief  and turning 70!  Luckily 11 years ago Bridgett and I moved  back to Ithaca NY from Oakland. I have good friends here, live in the country  and have great neighbors but i have a hollowness in my heart that stings. I miss her so much, miss our times of doing nothing other than  being in what we called "parallel play mode".  I am surrounded by memories, all good. Her artwork hangs in every room to comfort me.  I am learning that grief comes and goes, or maybe its the tears that come and go..I have found some solace in being part of a community effort to help feed those in need during this time of Covid.. It helps to be doing something but it doesn't take away the  pain of loss.  There are times i find myself not showing my tears , feeling that it might be too much for people, not that I am actually seeing many people, but I do get out and walk with my neighbors.. I don't want to be "that" person who cried all the time or who is "heavy" all the time and yet  at 11 months I do often feel like that person. 

Comment by CHAYA SPECTOR on November 13, 2020 at 7:03pm

THANK YOU Deborah..

Yes, I am glad to have found this site... someplace I can come to when I need that extra sense of belonging and shared experience.  We are all different, have different faith beliefs, but i think that loss and grief  cross those line and allow us to share. I feel myself waiting for Dec 14th, the one year mark... I don't know what I'm waiting for exactly but it feels significant. 

Comment by deborah peck on November 13, 2020 at 12:38pm

Welcome to the group Chaya, although I am sorry you are on here, this is such a welcoming place to be and I have bared my soul here to people that really get it. Its been 3 1/2 years since my Greg passed and 32 years since my 1st husband passed so no you don't ever get over it but you learn to cope with it, some days being harder then others. you have to do whatever feels right to you and not worry about what anyone else thinks. I would've been lost without my family on here and still find it hard to cope sometimes, but I know we all will survive this and be stronger for it

 

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