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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Terry Kent Mar 7. 6 Replies

Universe

Started by Julie. Last reply by DJ Dec 6, 2020. 1 Reply

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31, 2020. 13 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on February 10, 2022 at 9:53am

Omg, that was beautiful. Thank you so very much.

Comment by Steve G. on February 10, 2022 at 9:42am

Hi Mary Jane,

It will be 8 years this coming November when I lost my Mark; for me the journey I have been on since was not what I imagined my life would become.  So many changes and adjustments that I could not have planned by myself; there had to be a power greater than myself at work.  Without this site and the input from others I do not believe that I would have been open to changes.  At the time I joined 7 months had passed and I was convinced that I was going crazy and that my life was over.  Finding a routine balance with work and taking advise from those who were willing to share their stories and struggles kept me going and eventually I found a balance that I could live with.  For me it was about changing into someone willing to bend and sway when the wind pushed itself against me; my first instinct was to stand ridged against the wind.  it got exhausting and eventually I found that it I turned around with my back against the wind it wasn't as bad.  In fact, it helped me move forward, pushing me along.  I do not know if this makes sense, but it is the best way to describe my journey.  Each of us have to find our own balance and path forward.  It is OK to be in pajamas, it is OK to cry until your head hurts and you do not have any tears left.  All of these symptoms are raw grieve and we each will heal differently.  You are always in my prayers, and you should know that you are still healing and that each one of us love and care about you Mary Jane.

Lots of hugs to you my sister in Legacy,

Steve G.

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 9, 2022 at 1:05pm

Thank you all..I have missed this comfort that I always find here.

Comment by Marsha H on February 8, 2022 at 5:36pm

My dear Mary Jane ...

A;lthough it may feel you are going backwards in your grieve by crying so much and miss Bob, I found it was coming to the end of grief and facing it head on which freed me up to reajust my own life.  Sounds strange, but for me that's what happened.  Now, I have my outbursts and cry missing Ernie, but it's far less frequest.

That post on the fridge Bob put there 'Fear Eats the Soul' is also in the Bible.  Why Bob put it there is just not a statement, but rather to stop people from allowing fear to overcome them.  I can honestly say I don't fear many things going on right now and as they say, 'Don't mess with a Senior.'  I'm proactive which helps me a lot.  I can't volunteer as usual, but I do back the truckers going to the Parliament Bldg., etc., and it appears that things will change for the better in the near future re Covid and the fear our governments put again us.  Do I stay in my T-shirt and undies when I get up and slip on my bathrobe only to stay in it all day; you bet I do off and on.  At times (live alone) I see no reason to get up early and just get moving around the house or sometimes just sit there watching TV which I call 'Stupidfied.'  Once over it and this feeling does go away and I smack the side of my face and get up and get moving.  I grocery shop every 2 - 3 days just to get out and see other human beings and I've met some nice people and the same when I take my dogs for a walk.  I guess it's the Scottish'Irish coming out of me that this old gal (now 80 as of January) isn't going down without a fight.  It's important to have faith and that we are stronger than we think.  Not a smooth journey and can get bumpy at times.  You are normal and what you are going through is like much of what the rest of us can be doing.  Hang on girl; get some fire under you and figure out which direction you want to go through in life.  Don't feel the evil of this world outweighs the goodness as there are many good people out there and some fighting for our rights.

Love ya

Marsha

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on February 8, 2022 at 5:01pm

Dear Mary Jane,

I'm very sorry that this is going to be such a difficult month for you. That you didn't "get dressed" (as I call it) yesterday is familiar to me. That feeling that somehow it just doesn't matter isn't pleasant - feeling almost numb and just not up to going through the motions. I've had many of those days in Bloomsbury after Larry passed and I was there alone. I often didn't comb my hair or brush my teeth for hours after waking, and my hours weren't in keeping with the rest of the world, being up most of the night and sleeping days, when I could sleep.

I think you're absolutely right about fear - as was Bob's sign. 

I will try listening to the song you suggest, but until then hang in there dear friend - we're all here to listen and send you love when you need support and comfort. We're all able to understand your feelings and we help each other get through these kind of rocky times - it's always been what this family has been all about.

Wishing you some peace tonight - love, Chuck

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 8, 2022 at 12:22pm

Hi everyone.  No, this month is NOT getting any better. I am sad, cry a lot..this has NEVER happened..and at the end of Feb the 7th year without Bob will begin. Yesterday I did something I have NEVER DONE in my ENTIRE life...I stayed in my pajamas all day. (They looked just like regular clothes..) but it was the principle. Maybe it’s how much our lives have changed, with the fear of Covid..the ever present fact soo many are dying...no social life to speak of...there is possible danger everywhere. I guess it is fear..and Bob had a sign on our fridge:  

“ FEAR EATS THE SOUL”. I guess it can.

There is a song/video that kind of says it all for me:

”Someone You Loved” by Louis Capaldi. I couldn’t figure out how to post the link here..but I urge you to check it out on YOU TUBE.

For me, being able to do what the man did after his wife died, would have been wonderful.  Thanks for “listening”

MJ

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 5, 2022 at 11:27pm

Awwww such a cute couple!! 

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on February 5, 2022 at 10:46am

Hi everyone

I finally scanned this photo - Larry and I in the summer of 1983, just months after we met. We walked for almost an hour, climbing a steep road in Hancock, Massachusetts. The lower part of Potter Mountain Road has a few homes set back in the woods and is paved up to a point. After that it is just a dirt access road for the huge power lines that were run through the valley 15 years before this was taken by our friend who walked with us. I hadn't made this climb since I was in my teens, and we were all feeling the heat as we continued. This photo brings it all back - the reward was a spectacular view of the Jerico Valley that few get to see from this perspective, although  Jimminy Peak Ski lodge and resort nearby also has beautiful views. Larry looked at me and said now he understood why I so loved Hancock - we once hoped to move there when he would retire from the printing company, but that was not to be. One day I hope to show Hancock to Steve, but we won't be making this climb I assure you.

Comment by Steve G. on February 5, 2022 at 8:19am

I still get help from my unseen Angles, all the time.  My gratitude for this help is never ending and they have been around helping me even before I realized they were.  Strange how life catches up with us as we grow older and learn to truly understand and the help and sometimes even protection when we least expect it.  Growing older is not so bad, we learn to accept and life's challenges and lessons as part of our intended path.  Some painful and others not so painful, mostly a mixed bag.  I often thought that if I could go back and change this or that life would be different.  I am happy where I am on this path and honestly, changing anything or any part would be scary.  I am content and look forward to my new days ahead.  This year I will be 75 and I am still in awe of how my life has been and what is yet to be.

Take care my legacy family and friends, we all have good memories and miles to go before we sleep.

Steve

Comment by Steve G. on February 5, 2022 at 8:04am

Hi Sara,

The photo of me and Mark was taken in Ft Lauderdale (2000) at a Christmas party for the company was working for.  We had relocated from Key West just one year before this photo.  We both looked so young then, but then that was 22 years ago, and a lot of water has passed under the bridge since then.

Mark was so happy landing this new job and we both prospered well in South Florida.  Good memories all around.

Take care dear friend.  I still do not get notices when anyone posts here, Chuck lets me know.

Steve

 

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