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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on May 5, 2019 at 4:14pm

Dear Mary.Jane ...  What a wonderful and loving post you left me and your stories of Buddy and Rudy brought tears to my eyes.  I am sure your Rudy is just fine.  

The story of Buddy be close to you is so true.  Ernie and I had a dog named 'Lady' and we found this loving little dog at the pound.  She brought so much life into our lives because we weren't able to have children.  When she passed (almost 20 years old) I woke up quickly because I did feel weight on my legs and I knew it was her.  I always remember that DOG spelled backwards is GOD.  Our pets be it cat or dog gives so much without question and when the human race becomes to much for us they are there to comfort us and make sense out of this crazy world.  

It is difficult right now without her and I miss seeing her white little furry face and so does my other dog Booker.  I am going to get another dog in the future and one that is classified as a Senior.  Most people don't want these dogs out of the shelter.  Booker and I will know which dog is the one that will bond to us and should be with us.  For now I'm just keeping busy and still keep in some routine for Booker's sake and since it's such a beautiful day out we'll garden and later after dinner I'll take him to Allowette Dyke which is beautiful and so peaceful, but I already know we'll miss our Tootsie and hope she's walk beside us.

Thank you for your kindness my dear friend and I appreciate it.  Will answer your emails tonight,  I've been around like a zombie to some degree, but I'll survive.  

Much love

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on May 5, 2019 at 4:02pm

Dear Deborah P.   Thank you so much for your kind post regarding Tootsie.  Any of us who have pets know the pain when they leave us and we do grieve.  I am so sorry about your little Yorkie.  Did you ever get another little dog?  I am thinking in time of adopting a 3 - 4 year old little dog as Booker is use to having Tootsie around and I know he grieves for her as well.  For now trying to keep busy and stay in the same routine and much as possible.  Today is a beautiful day so will take Booker outside and do a little gardening and then take him up to the Allowette Dyke which the dogs love.  I still feel as I look down walking that white little fuzzy face of Tootsies staring up at me.  It just takes time.  Right now I just feel numb from the loss of my good friend and also Tootsie.

Thank you my dear friend for being there and I will email you soon.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on May 5, 2019 at 3:57pm

My dear brother Steve ...  How I remember your Bella and I remember crying when you told us she had finally passed away and once again with your words and memories of Bella tears came to my eyes.  I have no doubt Mark was there and calling for Bella.  I believe our pets stay with us until they feel they can pass on and we'll be OK.  Hard on us, but the best gift we could our old pets is to say goodbye and confirm we will be OK.  Hurts the heart you bet.  I do like to believe that Bella is with Mark and my Tootsie with Ernie; young, healthy and running through meadows of flowers.

Thank you for your lovely post and being so candid about your own feelings that you've had to endure.  In time going to adopt a 4 - 5 year old small female dog for my Booker as he does miss Tootsie as well.  Save a life! 

Thank you brother dear and I so appreciate your post and hope you and Chuck are happy and enjoying yourselves.

Love & Hugs

Your big sis Marsha  

Comment by Marsha H on May 5, 2019 at 3:48pm

Dear Deb ...

Thank you for your kind words regarding Tootsie.  She leaves such a hole in the house.  It seems these 8 years since Ernie has been gone what I have left as family is being chipped away little by little.  I am so sorry you have had two wonderful spouses pass away and I can't even imagine the pain you've gone through.  I also have come across something of Ernie's or a card for a special occasion and still can cry and remember the good times we use to have.  I'm also sorry you can't have a pet to comfort you.  I was going to sell my little rancher, but hanging on by my finger nails because I don't want to live in a place with Strata where they can tell you the do's and don'ts.  Fortunately, things are turning around because in lower mainland British Columbia it's mainly dog country so many landlords are having to OK pets.  There is no reason a person can't have a pet and pay a damage deposit or have a contract drawn up.  I feel for you and it must get lonely at times.  Our shelters here are crying for volunteers and can't afford to be fussy about how much time a volunteer can give and wish it was the same for you.

Love

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on May 5, 2019 at 3:40pm

Dear Chuck ...  As always you are dear friend right there for me and thank you so much for that wonderful written piece that made so much sense.  I was surprised because I have been thinking about similar thoughts.  I do love nature and thus the nature walks with my dogs.  Now there is just Booker and I and we keep on going.  He too is grieving for the loss of his sister Tootsie which has us comforting each other.  I love pets because they are loyal, lick away tears, just listen and cuddle when we need it.  I feel Tootsie hung on until she thought I didn't need her any longer.  

As always my dear brother your eloquent way of writing gives me peace and I feel the love no matter the distance.

Love & Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on May 5, 2019 at 6:22am

Dear Steve ...   Thank you for your kind words and how true whether human or animal they are family.  I have owned dogs all my life and each one is special.  I believe pets come into our lives for a reason and a season.  

I am so sorry that you lost one of your dogs shortly after losing Kris.  I know that hurt having lost Ernie and 5 months later our comical cat Molly.  It seems more than we can bare.  Thank you so much for sharing this with me.  I am praying Tootsie has gone home to see her daddy and he's there with open arms.  That's all we have to keep us going.

Comment by Steve Cain on May 5, 2019 at 4:31am

Dear Marsha,

My heart hurts for you today. Our family is our family, no matter human or animal. I have never shared this on here but within a month or so of losing Kris I lost the oldest of our three dogs, and the only male of the group.

I will share it at another time, this is about your loss, the grief is just the same, I pray that you will be comforted knowing she is back with her Daddy and will not be alone or suffering.

Comment by Steve Cain on May 4, 2019 at 6:35pm

Dear Marsha,

My heart hurts for you today. Our family is our family, no matter human or animal. I have never shared this on here but within a month or so of losing Kris I lost the oldest of our three dogs, and the only male of the group.

I will share it at another time, this is about your loss, the grief is just the same, I pray that you will be comforted knowing she is back with her Daddy and will not be alone or suffering.

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on May 4, 2019 at 2:24pm

Dear Marsha,
My friend, your pain comes through and is felt by us all. The sad confluence of so many losses is enough to break, or at least bring to our knees, even the strongest of us. You, our Angel, have been such a source of strength and support for countless members of this uncommon family – now it is your turn to accept some strength and support from we who love you so dearly.
I am writing this piece for you – the very first thoughts that crossed my mind when I learned of your ordeal. I pray that it helps…

An Uninvited Education
You were raised in an environment that placed a high value on education. The training of the mind – the acquisition of knowledge and skills – were encouraged and expected. A lifetime of following this path has brought rewards, challenges, and sometimes failure – but always the search for answers and solutions has guided you.
Now, after losses and heartaches have become so numerous that they weigh on your heart like an immense boulder, your view has shifted. Education is less defined now as knowledge pointing you toward advancing your career, broadening your horizon, or expanding your possibilities. It rather is the small lessons learned step by step as you haltingly navigate this uneven path life seems to have determined for you.
It all started with an explosion – a bomb dropped on you that brought immediate unimaginable devastation – the loss of your beloved. Everyone recognized the impact this had on you. There was an outpouring of sympathy and compassion from many sources, all appreciated and accepted with gratitude. Then, as time passed, the support seemed to be quietly evaporating like a puddle of water in the street once the sun appears following a summer shower.
Few, if any, saw how the shock waves from that bomb that continued to come months and years after the event faded from their thoughts. Those shock waves continue to this day, in the form of other newer losses, each bringing their own grief and sadness. You finally found yourself taking comfort from the most unlikely sources – the song of a bird, the soundless passing of a wild deer – even the seemingly weightless small chipmunks that came to sit in your hand eating your offering of sunflower seeds. Shunning the clumsy attempts by humans encouraging you to “moving on”, you found a gentle connection with these speechless creatures who seemed to recognize and share your grieving. In observing them, your new education had begun. They face dangers, predators, and uncertainty every day of their existence. Still though, they display a calm and steady understanding of those things in this world that truly matter. Even when one loses a mate, and appears to be searching for the companion that was just there by their side the day before, they still go on with their life. This lesson, so simple for them, is the one you seem to keep relearning again and again.
The skills needed now to get through each day no longer come from courses, books, or lectures. They come from nature, and from others who know your painful journey from their own experiences along this path, and from inside yourself. Mostly, you have learned that there is more strength and resilience in your spirit than you have ever dreamed you possessed. Finding that reserve, and tapping into it when needed, is the most important lesson for you now – and you are going to be a willing student in this most important step in your continuing education.

Comment by Deb on May 4, 2019 at 2:16pm

Dear Marsha, Hardly ever post but I was so moved by your post and others that I had to enter into the conversation.  I am so sorry for your loss of your dear little Tootsie. Reading your post brought me to tears feeling your pain. I know all too well what it's like to lose a pet and the 2 men who loved me are gone, as well. 5 years ago, I lost my partner of 33 years very suddenly and then got together with another man who passed away in February after a long illness. Losing those who loved us and whom we loved is so terribly painful. This morning I looked into one of the drawers that my latest partner used brought me to tears remembering how happy we were — And, now he's gone, too. Life just isn't fair! I live in a condo that doesn't allow pets so having a pet to love isn't an option. I'm so glad you still have your Booker to love you and for you to love in return. I'm not able to volunteer at the humane society as I'm only here for 6 months of the year and they need commitment for a year at a time.  

Sending love to everyone in this group who are feeling the same pain that I know all too well. Love, Deb 

 

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