Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Carol Kayser on September 18, 2014 at 12:56am

Dear Frank and all, it has been quite a while since I have been here.  Though I do think everyone and the site, I just never quite get around to writing.  Plus it has been a very busy and hard couple of months, especially since it has been 4 years since losing my sweetheart end of August and then his birthday just a couple of days ago.  Seems there is always something to deal with each day, I do look forward to those quiet days of reading and writing.


Jan, so sorry to hear about your trip.  The thing is that we set ourselves up with these expectations that this certain thing will be good and this will help etc. but sadly we seem to be mostly let down. Especially when doing something we used to do together, it just isn't the same and those feelings cannot be recaptured because we are so lonely being there without them.  I hope you can find some ways toward healing at home.


Dear Barb, happy to see you write, thinking of you.  Take care.



To Judy Gamble - I just wanted to remark on your comment about the 70 year old lady getting married.  Doi you know that happens very often and is actually quite normal.  Women are caregivers and find it a need to take care of someone.  Where my mom-in-law lives in California in a mobile home park, widows and widowers get married a lot, even as short as a few months after a loss.  It doesn't mean they are over their partner but it also fulfils a need for companionship and caring.

I hope we are all taking care of ourselves, good night.



Comment by Barbara Sullivan on September 18, 2014 at 12:46am

Dear Frank, Yes it has been very quiet on the forum -- like you, I hope that it is a sign of healing for some.  I think sometimes, when it has been awhile since our beloved spouse passed, we just get so tired of the way we feel, so tired of hearing our own thoughts, so tired of feeling that we are stuck in a place we didn't choose -- there is just nothing new to say about our grieving.  It has been a year and 5 months since I lost my Chris -- his birthday was this month, and the anniversary of his memorial service -- hard days to get through.  And, while some days seem better, the loneliness, the pain of loss, is always there.  But, as you say, we hold on to Hope and Faith -- and Love.

Hugs, Frank --


Comment by Barbara Sullivan on September 18, 2014 at 12:35am

Dear Jan, I am so sorry your trip with the kids turned out so badly.  I know your expectations were for peace and healing -- and it just didn't happen.  But, in the long run, better to have gone and had that first experience of being there without your spouse -- it is a milestone.  We go through so many.  It has been just over a year for me, as well, and though I don't cry every day -- I think of my Chris and miss him, every day.  I feel alone -- and my life still feels out of control -- the only thing I want is the one thing I can't have - my Chris.  I will keep you in my prayers, Jan.  



Comment by Jan on September 17, 2014 at 11:17pm
Just got back from Hawaii with my kids. It was really hard going back to the island without my sweetie this time. The first day there we got in a minor car accident then everyday after someone was either sick or injured. I came home with a massive skin infection from snorkeling. We should have stayed home. What a nightmare. I just wanted to run away and spend time with my kids. I thought this trip would help us heal and help us through the grief process. It's been a year and I don't feel like I'm getting any better. I cry every single day. When I went to see my doctor, I parked and sat in the car a minute and cried. I realized I'm all alone. I have no one to take care of me or love me. My husband took care of me 2 years ago when I had breast cancer. My daughter worries that the stress from grief will bring the cancer back and she will be an orphan.
Comment by Frank Andrews on September 17, 2014 at 11:07pm

 So very quiet on the forum lately and I sincerely hope and pray that all are having more peace and acceptance in their lives and are beginning to once again enjoy some happy moments over the little things in life again. People keep telling me Faith and Hope.  Faith that I will be reunited with my beloved again and Hope that this grief eases and the future will be better.  Hugs.

Comment by Judy D Gamble on September 5, 2014 at 8:46pm

Thanks so much Marsha, Jane and Carol.  I know you understand and that helps.  One day at a time is all I can do.  I got an e-mail today from an former co-worker (guy) in another state who asked me if I was dating yet and had I found a new companion.  Couldn't believe it!  Well, he's sick and on dialysis but talk about being insensitive.  No one will ever replace my John and that's the way it is.  I met a 70 year old lady in the hospice grief class who was really torn up, or seemed to be.  9 months later she married an older (90) man she met in a hospice supper group of widows and widowers.  Don't understand it at all.

Hugs, Judy

Comment by Marsha H on September 1, 2014 at 3:44pm

Carol ...  I feel the same way as you do about being with our spouses rolling down the highway looking forward to be doing things together.  Now, like many I have to watch family, friends and other couples do it and I envy them so much.  It's easier for widowers to hop in their car and just take off, but for women traveling alone isn't such a good idea unless they are visiting family or friends at the end of their destination.

Hope you are hanging in there girl.



Comment by Marsha H on September 1, 2014 at 3:42pm

Jane P ... Your post was so well put.  I'm getting frown lines!  LOL  I guess I'll have to use tape to put a perpetual smile on my face because right now I'm finding it difficult.



Comment by Marsha H on September 1, 2014 at 3:41pm

Dear Judy ...  All of us on here understand how you feel.  You are still in raw grief right now and I, myself try to keep busy with my small immediate family (only one brother and his family) and a few friends.  I found after Ernie passed away April, 2011 at the age of 65 and almost 40 years of marriage that many of friends who still have spouses no longer included me in functions they had.  I was in total shock even though grief counseling warned the members this could happen.  I can still feel like I'm a ghost where I see others, but they don't see me and now I realize that when Ernie passed away from pancreatic cancer he took have my soul with him.  I try to remember the good memories only to wish them back and I forge ahead as best I can to try and reinvent who I am now.  It's a difficult path, but in time we do start to feel a little stronger.

I wish there were words that would comfort you and what you are going through is very normal.  As Jane P put it so well we wear 2 masks ... one for society and the other for ourselves.  I can still have days where I cry and wish I had Ernie back, but these times aren't as frequent as time moved on.  I will always have him in my heart, but I made a promise I'd be OK and I want to do the best I can.  I try to lean on my faith, family and friends and hopefully there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Wish I could give you a big hug!


Comment by Carol Kayser on September 1, 2014 at 3:19pm

Jane P. what an excellent description of how we feel and present ourselves to the world in general.  We are all doing what needs to be done daily, but in the peace and solitude of our own time, our true feelings can come through. I wonder if we can ever be whole again, I guess parts of us can be, but the parts that really count are pretty broken....thus we learn to live with this truth.





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