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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1371
Latest Conversations: 17 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on August 8, 2014 at 2:38pm

Dear Diane ...

I am so sorry you are having to go through all this, but it's no uncommon.  It has been 3 1/2 years since my Ernie passed and it feels the years have gone by so quickly, yet in one respect slow for me and taken it's toll.  It does get a little better.  I know with your dad having cancer and knowing you have no control over the situation is very difficult for you and it floods back the memories of looking back at what you went through with Rich.  Know that your dad is not in pain and having been through a dear friend who was in a coma for 6 months (15 years ago) they do hear what we say, so keep talking to your dad and telling him what is in your heart.  I am so happy he was able to speak to you.  Doctors say hearing is the last to go.  I know hon this is yet another battle for you and not an easy journey when you will be losing yet another loved one.  Blast this cancer!  Of course it is going to take it's toll on you as every emotion you have is in high gear and 'letting go' is not easy.  You know that you have special prayers from me for you dad, you and your family!

I know this is no consolation for you, but I have friend with terminal cancer in hospital (came as a shock) and it took every fiber of my body to go up to the same hospital to visit her because that is where Ernie spend some of time when ill.  Some how a greater power (God to many of us) is giving us the strength we need and you know we're here to hold you up.

Never forget your dad (if he slips in and out of a coma) knows you are there and can hear what you say so pour your heart out and know he loves you a great deal.  My only peace in myself losing a loved one is that they are 'going home' and sadly, we are left behind for now. 

Here is a big hug from me and lean on us. 

HUGS

Marsha  

Comment by Diane C on August 8, 2014 at 11:32am

Hi to all my friends,

I just wanted to give a quick update and hopefully I will be back on-line in the near future. I celebrated Rich's 2 year anniversary on 8-1-14. Hard to believe it has been 2 years already. I have been through a lot in this time, but it still feels like only a short time ago that I had to say good-bye. My Dad's cancer won the battle. He is now in a coma with only a short time to live. This has been such a hard fight for me. Going through this whole thing again in such a short time. I know others have gone through it too, but it seems to be taking it's toll on me. I visited him on Monday and I really didn't think he knew I was there. But when I got ready to leave, I kissed him and said I am leaving now Dad, I Love You.... And he straightened his head a little and said, OK, honey, I Love You!! So knowing that he knew I was there, and could communicate that through the thick fog like state that he was in, has given me a wonderful memory to hang on to. I know his hours are limited now, so I am asking for you to keep my Dad and my family in your thoughts and prayers.

Love to all....

Comment by Marsha H on August 5, 2014 at 4:42am

Karen ...  You are doing the right thing just getting a realtor to tell you what your house is worth on the market today and remember there is no rush to sell and take your time.

I live in 980 sq. ft. rancher that my husband Ernie and I fixed up as the other owners had let it go.  Like you and Ed we had so many good memories and entertained a lot and it doesn't feel the same without him, but, everyone is different and I feel close to him being here and I have good neighbors and friends who live close by.  I am retired, no children and 2 dogs and for me, I would go absolutely crazy in a condo or townhouse.

Please check out the Strata Fees for some of these condos as many can be high and they hike it up every year and here where I live (just outside of Vancouver, B.C.) because the Strata Fees are so high many are trying to flog off their condos and not being very successful. 

Depending on your finances and if you still have a mortgage a suggestion only from me is you talk to the banking institution and see if you can find a smaller home on less property being sold for repossession of back taxes or has a small mortgage on it and easier for you to maintain.  Just another thought for you.

You know what is best for you and you're doing everything right and getting the realtor to price out your house and property.  I truly wish you luck.

Marsha

Comment by Barbara Sullivan on August 4, 2014 at 10:34pm

Dear Karen, I am in the process of making that decision too and I know on any given day I may feel entirely different about what to do.  Chris and I built our house together, and over the years made it a home, a place where family gathered on holidays, where he worked in his workshop and I in my sewing room, meeting for a cup of tea and a chat in the afternoon -- I miss it all so much, and I wonder if I have the energy to put it all behind me and construct a different life.  Please keep posting as you go through this decision process -- I know it will help me to think through my own decision.

Thank you for your help.

Barbara

Comment by georgia on August 4, 2014 at 9:56pm
Karen,you need to do what feels right for you, and what will help to keep your life going with a little ease.
This journey is hard enough for all of us.
I wish you good luck on making a decision .
Comment by Karen W on August 4, 2014 at 9:14pm
So, I spoke with a realtor today. My thought is to downsize to a condo and reduce my monthly mortgage payment, as well as maintenance and utility bills. I keep telling myself that this is only an information gathering exercise - to find out what our house is worth, what it might sell for, and what I can afford to buy. I've loved living in this house. Ed and I picked the lot, chose the design, would drive by several times a week as it was being built. I remember once while it was still under construction, we brought some sandwiches and picnicked on the sub flooring in the living room with our Lab, Maggie. We were so excited. Then we moved in and Together we dug the garden beds and chose the shrubs and trees that have grown so big. We spent time every evening after dinner for at least two weeks assembling the Ikea bookshelves in our "library." We often entertained friends and family but just as often it was just the two of us sitting on the deck in the evenings, talking about everything and anything. It's a great house but it's not the house I'm attached to...its the memories of Ed and Me in it. But it's different now. It's sad here. There isn't much laughing in it anymore. Perhaps it's time to move on. So, I spoke with a realtor today.
Comment by Carol Kayser on August 3, 2014 at 11:38am
It's the "dog days" of August here, so very hot, and August also brings the 4 year anniversary (31st) of losing my beloved Jack. So hard to start down this path this month. It's sometimes impossible for me to think it has been that long. I miss everything about our life, grieve for things we shall never do and on and on.

Now I am living with my daughter and family and becoming part of their lives. I feel blessed to spend my days with my granddaughter, something my sweetheart told me would happen, he was so intuitive that guy! She fills a whole in my heart. I think children are meant to do that, such endless love is given.

I find myself going to movies my husband would have dragged me too and watching shows he would have watched, just kind of sharing that way.
Seems silly but it helps bridge the gap.

There's some trips I am planning with friends and it all adds up to keeping me busy. I know he'd want that for me.

If I could go back I would in a heartbeat but this is life now, life without the only person truly who could make me laugh with silly faces, with play fights and mock drama! Good memories of love and happiness.

I wish everyone hugs and a good week filled with kindness.

Carol
Comment by Jan Wray on August 2, 2014 at 8:09pm

Thanks, Carol Kayser and Georgia. Trying not to expect too much. For now it is just good to spend time with someone and have fun. As, I am sure you understand, it gets lonely at times.

Comment by Carol Kayser on August 2, 2014 at 12:49am
Jan, hope everything works out well for you:)
Comment by georgia on August 2, 2014 at 12:40am
Good luck to you Jan.
 

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