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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Thomas L. Trolia 2 hours ago. 8 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 16. 4 Replies

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Comment by phyllis eldridge on July 11, 2014 at 1:25am

Hi all. I haven't posted in a while but I do come almost every day and read the posts on here. It helps a lot to see that I am not alone in this. Seems like I do ok for a little while, then it all comes crashing down. More so over the last few days. I am not sure why. It has been 3 months since my husband has passed and yes people drifted back to their own lives. Except my best friend who has always stood by me. People think I should be ok by now, they never mention him any more. And I feel like they wonder why I keep talking about him. Thank goodness for my best friend, she lives 2500 miles away but we talk every day. Don't know what I would do without her. This last few weeks though I find myself sinking. The crying, oh my, the heart wrenching, can't stop, can't breathe sobbing. Every day. I cannot think straight. I cannot even make a small decision any more. I have taken 2 of the anxiety pills the doctor gave me. They help to put my mind at rest somewhat and they make me sleep. But nothing I could take in the day time. I just wish I could go to sleep and wake up when this nightmare is over.

Comment by phyllis eldridge on July 11, 2014 at 1:25am

Hi all. I haven't posted in a while but I do come almost every day and read the posts on here. It helps a lot to see that I am not alone in this. Seems like I do ok for a little while, then it all comes crashing down. More so over the last few days. I am not sure why. It has been 3 months since my husband has passed and yes people drifted back to their own lives. Except my best friend who has always stood by me. People think I should be ok by now, they never mention him any more. And I feel like they wonder why I keep talking about him. Thank goodness for my best friend, she lives 2500 miles away but we talk every day. Don't know what I would do without her. This last few weeks though I find myself sinking. The crying, oh my, the heart wrenching, can't stop, can't breathe sobbing. Every day. I cannot think straight. I cannot even make a small decision any more. I have taken 2 of the anxiety pills the doctor gave me. They help to put my mind at rest somewhat and they make me sleep. But nothing I could take in the day time. I just wish I could go to sleep and wake up when this nightmare is over.

Comment by janeo on July 10, 2014 at 11:20pm
Elvira,
You definity have my prayers. It won't be easy he knows whats in your head and heart. He knows it's going to be hard for you. But that's ok to cry also. Anyone one on here would cry as well. It's normal . And yes your husband will be there cause he wouldn't miss your sons big day. Just remember day by day, hour by hour and minute by minute. You'll do great. Embrace this moment.
Comment by Elvira Castellanos on July 10, 2014 at 10:33pm

Very tough days coming up, tomorrow is rehearsal dinner & Saturday is the wedding, all preparations are horrendous without my love by my side, yesterday was 5 months since he passed and there hasn't been a day without tears, everyone, please keep me in your prayers the next few days so I can stay strong for my son, he has been planning this wedding for 2 years & I really don't want to ruin it with too much crying.

Thank you all.

Comment by Frank Andrews on July 10, 2014 at 7:16pm

Very quiet forum and I sincerely hope that it is because everyone is doing better with their grief and not the opposite.   Still hanging in there and taking it day by day again.  Hugs to all.

Comment by Marsha H on July 7, 2014 at 3:16pm

DesertDove ...  There is so much that I went through in the hospital where my husband was that I couldn't get it all on this page so will leave my email on your private board and give you more info, but here is just a few of the things I learned to watch out for. (Remember, I live outside of Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.)

  • Get a second opinion when it comes to surgery.
  • When you consult with the surgeon you have chosen and have the long talk with them as to what is going to be done ask permission to tape the conversation so you don't forget anything and always have either a family member or a friend go with the person having the surgery.  I did tape our surgeon and he's in deep do-do.  My family doctor was in awe I was able to get that with the permission of the surgeon.
  • Once the surgeon for the patient has them in the hospital they have power over the patient more so than the spouse, but the spouse can force this issue by having their spouse (patient) sign themselves out.  I was not aware of this and I was making plans for nursing care when my husband and I were led to believe he would be coming home.
  • Each hospital has a special group of people who are there to help you through the red tape, explain things, are encouraging to both the patient and their spouses and family members and we were never told about that.
  • When medications such as Morphine are given it can cause major stomach upset and my husband complained of this and I couldn't believe the doctors or nurses didn't think to give him Gravol (for nausea) before the shot of Morphine and I had to get nasty to get it.
  • The healthy spouse has a right to know what is going on with their spouse and if their specialist or surgeon is not conforming to this then complain!
  • The healthy spouse should write down questions before going to visit their spouse in the hospital and phone ahead to see when the specialist or surgeon will be there talking to the patient.  If the specialist or surgeon refuses to include the healthy spouse then complain to Hospital Administration.
  • If things are going badly and the patient is not treated with dignity in any way remember two words 'lawyer' and 'media.'  Hospital shrink back at those 2 words and don't need media coverage.  I sure used it and it saved a lot of emotional pain.
  • If a patient is terminal it doesn't matter what age they are and here in Canada they have a right to Hospice Care.  If this is not being done then complain to Hospital Administration.  Hospice doesn't always mean the terminal patient is there permanently and depending on the nature of the illness may be able to come home for a few days or a weekend and go back to Hospice.  Hospice is open 24/7 for visitors.

I'm running out of room DesertDove so please check your private post and I'll leave you my email address and give you the complete story if you like.  It is not private to anyone on here and if they want to know more they can let me know.  Hope these tips have helped all.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by DesertDove on July 6, 2014 at 11:25am
Hi Carol. Oh yr welcome. yes a difficult movie to watch, but it is really good. I felt compassion for C s Lewis. here he was getting married for the first time @ 58 yrs old! Only to hv her pass away 5 yrs later. he really got robbed. & I can relate cuz I was married for 5 yrs too & the same thing happened to me. Luckily we were both retired so spent everyday together. my late husband was 2 weeks short of being 65 yrs old... life sure can be unfair huh? So yeah it's called the shadowlands w/Anthony Hopkins It has some beautiful scenery in it. The College in England is pretty. yes let me know how u like it
Comment by DesertDove on July 6, 2014 at 11:05am
Hi Marsha. Oh Wow! on the Aids info. & thank u for what u said. If it is not to difficult for u. I would like to know what they all did at the Hospital cuz I hv a very close friend whose girlfriend had same thing, but he only told me she was in hospital for a month. she wasn't old enough to hv hospice. If u want u can tell me on a private email, but I think u would do everyone a great service by sharing. cuz next time someone has a loved one with Pancreatic cancer. they will know what NOT to let hospital do, u know the ones who can't get hospice. & this close friend him & his live in girlfriend. He promised her to pay Hospital bill. which I think is stupid. @. 58 yrs old. the balance on the bill. is $40,000.00 !!! I think it was over $100,000.00 ! I don't understand why she would put that heavy load on his back! Who cares what yr credit is when u hv passed. Maybe she didn't want him to meet someone else. cuz it definitely cuts I to his providing for another gal in his life. & worse yet he is now 60. & needs a Hernia surgery & a shoulder surgery. he could use that money to support himself instead of having to do physical labor to make income. Thx
Comment by Marsha H on July 5, 2014 at 5:27am

DesertDove ... you are so right that it's all about money and the public is finally becoming aware that there are greedy people in big business with no morals even when it comes to children suffering from cancer or other serious diseases. 

I always thought that AIDS was an 'ooops' or purposely done and I saw a documentary on just that and it was.  How those poor people suffered and to pick on one group of people such as gays was unthinkable.  People who received blood transfusions contracted HIV.  I did see the 'Dallas Buyer's Club' and although depressing it was a wake-up call.  Matthew MacConhey lost weight of course on purpose for that role and as usual did a superb job of acting. 

I am so sorry your dear husband had to go through so much and have such treatments.  I can certainly relate to you as my husband had pancreatic cancer and what the doctors and hospital did to him there was unthinkable and I had to fight like a wounded grizzly constantly.

Comment by Marsha H on July 5, 2014 at 5:21am

Theresa ... very smart of you to ask those question donating to cancer research.  I always ask what their administration fees are and they are stunned and can't even answer that.  Anything over 10% is too much.  Thankfully in British Columbia, Canada a cancer patient can get Marijuana and they carry a special document with them just in case they are stopped by the police.  However, some say the Marijuana the government gives out isn't as good as the Marijuana growers have and so many of us are on the bandstand to fight government to legalize Marijuana mainly for medicinal purposes and treat it as a business (farming it) and stopping the grow-ups here that can be dangerous for the police to enter premises.  Killing two birds with one stone, but oh no, that would make no sense to our government yet they would be making millions in tax money.  The more I research all of this the madder I get.  There is a drastic drop in chemo therapy treatments by patients and they are looking for alternative treatments. The pharmaceutical companies are in dire straights over it and it's means of course a big loss of money.

 

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