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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 16. 4 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on July 15, 2014 at 3:09pm

Elvira ... WOOPEE!  You did it!  You should be so proud of yourself and people do cry at weddings (standard behavior.)  I know that you wish your Pablo could have been there physically, but he was there spiritually and didn't miss a thing.  I started to cry when you told us about you and your son dancing and crying together.  Now you have a baby grandson to look forward to. 

Here is a story that I do believe is true.  My girlfriend's daughter had her baby boy and when he was able to focus he was always looking in the corner of the nursery and giggling and his eyes were on someone and my girlfriend and daughter believe that it was my girlfriend's mother seeing her grandson.  I think our loved ones are around at these special events.

The wedding sounded beautiful and so happy to hear it all went well.

Keep your mind on the fact you are going to be a busy grandma. 

Thanks for letting us know how things went and so very proud of you for keeping it together.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Elvira Castellanos on July 15, 2014 at 6:42am

Janeo, the wedding was beautiful, they had the perfect sunny day, although very hot & humid, the reception was fabulous & I held myself pretty well except when I walked down the church's aisle with my son & during the mother & son dance I lost it, but so did my son, he cried just as much, I am crying as I write this because I still can't conceive the thought that he was not able to be there physically for the wedding that he was so much looking forward to & the realization that I won't be seeing him again.

Yesterday, we also found out that it will be a baby BOY, I wanted a healthy baby but deep down I wanted a boy because my daughter in law is exactly 5 months pregnant which is exactly the same amount of time of Pablo's passing, he would have been such a wonderful grandpa, another thing he was looking forward to & jot to be.

Thanks for asking, everyone here is great,

Elvira

Comment by Jane P. on July 15, 2014 at 5:09am

Barbara,  Marsha and I were thinking on the same wave length.  I was going to suggest renting you home out and moving into the city on a trial basis.  Sometimes our reasons for wanting things are based on old memories but when reality sets in it may not be what we expected or wanted.  It is a big decision to move just take your time.  Hugs, Jane P.

Comment by Marsha H on July 15, 2014 at 3:31am

Deb ...  So sorry about your sister being so insensitive and it's pure selfishness. It is awkward when someone's spouse passes away, but death is part of life and we are adults and others especially in family should be mature enough just to put an arm around the remaining spouse and let them cry.  People don't always have to say anything, but simply listen or lend a shoulder to cry on.  What one reaps one sows and one day you sister will have to face mortality whether she likes it or not.

By the way, I get a lot of all the great things certain people in my life here are doing and I don't mind a little of it, but they go on and on and have no concept of where we are at and the fact we have no idea where our lives are going or what our future is.

Here's a big hug from me to you!

Marsha 

Comment by Marsha H on July 15, 2014 at 3:23am

Deb ...  our lives are almost a mirror image when it comes to a small immediate family and so-called friends.  At Ernie's Celebration of Life friends I've known 20 - 40 years told me if there was anything I needed or they could do for me just to ask and I was stupid enough to believe it.  Others can make excuses that some family members and friends go on with their own lives as they get busy, but that's no excuse and I don't accept that excuse.  I have 2 female friends who had a bad divorce late in life and also two who were widows some years back and I always kept in touch with them and invited them to our home on a on-to-one or any parties we had.  It was a given!  Now, I think of all the friends Ernie and I helped out that were going through a rough time and all I can say is they sure have a short memory. I have a handful of old friends and I am trying to make new friends and that can be a daunting task as well as I'm retired.  Have no children thus I'm not caught up with grandchildren. I know how lonely you must feel and I'm going through the same thing.

I still have my cries and even tonight without warning (had a good day) that old grief hit me and I miss Ernie so much and feel so alone and wondering where all this will lead.  I do know Dino is right there for you giving his strength to you and I honestly believe Ernie is as well and it's not wishful thinking.  I have been over-whelmed several times since he's passed and depending on what it is I will sit down and cry out of frustration and talk to Ernie and I will put my hand on a Bible when I say that the phone rings and it's one of his buddies or someone who can help me and other times I just have to be patient and the help comes.

It's so easy for others to keep busy, but raw grief is something that hits so hard at first and from there we have to rebuild our lives and it just takes time.  What some people don't understand is it's difficult to concentrate and often one is consumed with grief and that's normal.  Grief is a journey and you just can't sweep your feelings about your spouse under the rug.  It is important to keep busy as much as possible, but it's OK to grieve and have some good cries.

I too have lost too much weight since Ernie passed and trying to put it back on is so difficult, but I'm trying.  I'm eating well and have a good appetite and where the calories go I have no idea.  Just do what you're doing my friend and take those baby steps.  Ernie and I were extremely close like you and Dino where and our lives were entwined so tightly and now we feel like we have no control, no strength to move on and yet one day, like myself, you will realize you do have that strength. 

I suggest you contact one or two of the friends you liked the most and chat with them because sometimes they don't know how our grief is going and may feel they are intruding.  Many times people grieving don't know what they want themselves so it's confusing to others.  Just give a try; meet an old girlfriend for lunch or simply a coffee and go from there.  I too am thankful for the support of the angels on here and for Legacy as I don't think I could have made it otherwise.  I've made some great email friends on here as well so even with our grief we are blessed to have known each other.

Just lean on us Deb as we're here for you.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Deb on July 15, 2014 at 2:50am

Thinking more after I posted...I only have one sister who lives here and I've been here 2 1/2 months and only seen her 3 times. Once at the Celebration of life--she was late as usual and we barely had time to talk, once at his interment and for a couple hours that she fit me in between her busy schedule one afternoon.. When she calls she talks endlessly about her busy social life and doesn't understand f-all what I'm going through and that I basically don't have anyone... Says she doesn't know what to say so it's easier for her to just avoid me. Guess I'm on my own...Sorry for the rant...

Deb

Comment by Deb on July 15, 2014 at 2:21am

Marsha,  Thanks for the comment. Actually, it was a pretty hard day but somehow I got through it. It just seems impossible that something so awful could have happened to him--It like I may be in denial...I talk to him a lot and look for him for guidance as I try to figure out what to do or what he would do especially regarding financial decisions that he always took care of. People have told me to keep busy but that doesn't shut off your mind especially in the night or early mornings--Waking up in the morning knowing he's gone is awful...I wasn't able to eat for months without falling apart and lost a lot of weight that I didn't need to lose. I've managed to gain a little back and feel a little stronger to forge ahead with my life. I'm just taking it one day at a time without knowing what is ahead. My life was so wrapped up with him especially living outside the US we basically only counted on each other. I've been back in the states the past few months sorting out his estate but I've been gone 20 years so the friends I had before have basically forgotten me--say they will call but they don't- It's a very lonely life without my Dino--he was always there for me. I'm thankful to have found this group for support.

Hugs,

Deb

Comment by Marsha H on July 15, 2014 at 1:53am

Dear Barbara ..  I do know how you feel.  My small rancher isn't the issue, but the upkeep of the gardens and things that have to repairs and it's a daunting task; yours made worse by being a larger home.  Here is my suggestion for what it is worth:

Chris and you had decided to move so you know he'd be happy with whatever you decide.  Perhaps one of your daughters could live in the house you're in now and hopefully one of your daughters in the town you were going to move too has the space to  put you up for 4 - 6 months and give yourself a chance to figure out if living in a larger city is what you want.  Hope this is of some help to you.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on July 15, 2014 at 1:41am

Deb ...  It is wonderful to see you post again and that you are doing fairly well.  I miss you and hope things are improving for you. 

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on July 15, 2014 at 1:38am

Georgia ...  I am so sorry you are going through so much heartache and it seems most of us do when special dates comes up.  It has been over 3 1/2 years since my beloved husband passed at 65 (I was 4 years older than him) and I still miss him a great deal and find myself still talking to him out loud in the privacy of my home or car.  I knew him 45 years and we just missed our 40th anniversary. You are still fresh into your grief and nothing seems real to you and that's very normal.  It doesn't matter if you work or how busy any of us keep ourselves busy we still have our private times of remembering those wonderful memories with our loving spouses during the night. 

I honestly believe they are right beside us giving us strength to go on.  Birth, life and eventually death is so articulately planned that there has to be more after death.  I too wait until I can once again join my husband, but, until that time I am trying hard to go on in his memory with all the good things he taught me.

Lean on us hon as we have all been where you are and just put your heartfelt feelings in your posts and we'll be there to wrap our arms around you.  You are not alone!  We'll help you get through this and you are stronger than you think.

Hugs

Marsha

 

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