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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1370
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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 16. 4 Replies

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Comment by DesertDove on July 12, 2014 at 1:59pm
Marsha.... I'm not sure how to go to private board. so yeah when u feel up to it. just email me with info & yes the tips u provided here are excellent! Thank you
Comment by Marsha H on July 11, 2014 at 3:06pm

Frank ...  It's great to see you post.  I think many of us have our obstacles to get through and taking those baby steps, but with each baby step we just keep on ticking and get stronger.

I hope you are having a better day.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on July 11, 2014 at 3:02pm

Dear Elvira ...  Who says that your beloved is not going to be at the wedding?  You may not see him, but I do believe he's there.  I can feel my own husband's strength when I am going through difficult times.  At weddings especially women are inclined to cry especially if it's one of their children getting married.  If your son sees you crying simply tell him it's because you are so happy for him and gaining a daughter.  Take some breaks and go outside (there will be many people at the wedding so you won't be missed all the time) or go to the washroom for a breather.  I find since my husband passed away there were things I didn't think I could do, but forced myself (anxious like you) and was shocked at how strong I was and there was even a little joy here and there at the event and I got through it.  No one is putting pressure on you.  Know that we are all here rooting for you and 'mom has a right on a normal basis to cry at her son's wedding ... tears of happiness.'  After your son and daughter-in-law are married and settled in you will be surprised at what you have gained as an addition to your family and believe it or not there are going to be some very happy times for you coming up.  When you feel you are going to cry pinch yourself, keep walking around or as I said previously walk outside and take deep breaths.  It's the anticipation that is difficult for us and that's what you are going through. 

You're stronger than you think my friend.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on July 11, 2014 at 2:52pm

Dear Phyllis ...  I know the pain you are feeling; just wanting a pill to put you to sleep and sleep until the grieving is past.  Believe it or not the heart-wrenching grief we all experiences when our spouses have passed away is a human reaction and we do learn from it and I know that none of that makes sense to you right now.  we are left behind to carry on their memory and you talk about your husband as often as you want.  My husband passed away April 2011 of pancreatic cancer and I still miss him, but the crying, heartache has subsided where I am at a point my life is beginning to improve a little, but, I will never forget him for as long as I live and I carry on in his memory and all the great things he taught me in life and pass it onto others.   We had no children and I have a very small immediate family. 

You are in 'raw grief' and it's normal not to be able to think straight, perhaps eating too much or not eating at all, sleeping too much or disturbed sleep, forgetting things, often being afraid to drive because your mind is roaming everywhere (best to try and get someone to drive you places for the first few months), being fearful of how you are going to survive without your spouse.  What you are going through is so very normal and even those so-called friends that have deserted you is very normal as well and it happened to me as well.  I had known most of these friends for 20 - 40 years and that was a big shock to me when only a very small handful remained loyal to me.  I am no longer considered 'a couple' since my husband passed.  Whether these so-called friends can't face their own mortality and you are a reminder of that it's no excuse not to be there for you, but that's unfortunately the way it goes.  Like you I have a wonderful close girlfriend who has seen me through the years and is a total angel.  I was there when her daughter (age 19) had thyroid cancer and she wants to be here for me.  I have two good neighbors next door that help me out often and I feel blessed.  Little by little you will go through the steps of grief and the angels on this forum will be here to help you in any way possible and if it weren't for this forum I don't think I would have made it.  So please lean on us.

Sleep as much as you want to, try to eat as best you can, start walking with a friend if possible as it does help your mood and helps to clear your head somewhat.  Don't make any major decisions for a good year if possible.  If you find you are stumped on a problem whether it be moving, financial, religion or just your feelings (we never judge anyone's feelings here) then post to us and we'll help you through it.

Grief counseling be it one-on-one or a group would help you a great deal and you wouldn't feel so alone.  I still go to a grief group, but they aren't starting up again until September.

I still can have my cries and talk to my husband often and I do feel they are around us watching over us and giving us strength.  You are going to be OK hon so again, lean on us!

Big hug (because you need it)

Marsha 

Comment by Jan on July 11, 2014 at 12:48pm
When I had to go to my nephews graduation what got me through it was knowing that my husband was there with us all. Heaven doesn't seperate us. I believe they are allowed to share our life and special occasions.
Comment by Carol Kayser on July 11, 2014 at 11:54am
Dear Elvira, have a beautiful love filled day. Just focus on your son and his bride and know your darling will be there in spirit.

Hugs,
Carol
Comment by Karen W on July 11, 2014 at 7:04am
Phyllis, there is no time limit on grief. Anyone who thinks so never lost a husband or wife or child. Take the time you need and do whatever you need to to get through it. You are fortunate to have your friend. I wish I could say something that would make it a little easier but we all know that's not possible. You'll get through it and very slowly the good days will begin to outnumber the bad. Stay strong and lean on your friend and those of us here who understand.
Comment by Karen W on July 11, 2014 at 6:59am
Elvira, I'll be thinking of you this weekend and praying for you for courage and strength. Remember that Pablo is with you as are all of us here in spirit. .
Comment by Barbara Sullivan on July 11, 2014 at 5:00am

Elvira, thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers,dear.  I know it will be hard, but try to put aside your grief for one day and help your son have a beautiful wedding.  This is a day they will remember all of their lives, so try to help them make it a day of joy and love.  

Phyllis, I know so well what you are feeling and I just wish there were something I could say to help -- let your tears come -- it is okay to cry as much as you need.  I am glad you have your best friend to help you through this awful time.

Sending love, hugs and prayers

Barbara

Comment by Jane P. on July 11, 2014 at 3:07am

Elvira,   you will be in my thoughts and prayers.  Hugs, Jane P.

 

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