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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Renae McKee on January 7, 2015 at 4:09am

To all my new wonderful & supportive friends; Carol Kayser, Trina Mamoon, Masha H., Kathy Parker, Frank Andrews, & Barbara Sullivan......THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU GREAT ADVISE!!! I did go see my doctor yesterday and he laughed at what occurred between my daughter & her calling his office, he said if I did not show all these emotions of sadness, anger, & etc. Then he would be worried!! SMART MAN. Thank you all again for being here for me!

Comment by Carol Kayser on January 7, 2015 at 2:19am
Dear Renae. Echoing some of what Marsha said, I too have had family issues. I think we all have/had in some way or another. I had a similar situation with actually a pipe bursting and flooding my house at one time and no one from my family came over. I got a lot of "gees mom that's awful" and that was it. When I moved I got zero help with anything. I understand to a small degree with one daughter with a child. Frankly I just had to do it all myself and/or pay someone.
We are not indestructible but I seriously think they think we are. We can't show emotion as that makes them uncomfortable. A very good friend whose husband passed away in April had a total meltdown over the holidays because neither of her sons or daughter-in-laws said or acknowledged their loss of missing the dad at the table or at the tree. She was so sad. She felt like he hadn't existed in their lives. So with family, what do we do? We can only communicate our own feelings.
These feelings often come out in anxiety, frustration, sadness and anger. All perfectly legitimate but not necessarily acceptable to our loved ones.
I too Renae got taken to the doctor by my daughter so truly you are not alone in this!
Wishing you the best with regard to your pipes and hoping your family are more compassionate toward you moving ahead.

Hugs,
Carol
Comment by Trina Mamoon on January 6, 2015 at 8:28pm

Renae, the loss of a spouse is of itself an extremely traumatic experience. People who haven't lost a spouse don't really understand the deep feeling of loss, sorrow, and desperation a   widow/er experiences. Now you are facing a crisis with frozen pipes in the winter.

I cannot imagine the disappointment you must be feeling at the lack of compassion and support from your family members. Unfeeling family members should be reminded that charity begins at home. I am so sorry that they can't find it in their hearts to help you at your darkest hour.  Not only are you going trough one of the most traumatic experiences a person can face in their life--the loss of a spouse--you are having to deal with frozen pipes. It's something that a family member can quite easily help with. So, as so many on this site have encouraged you to do, speak up, and ask for help. Even friends and neighbors help the bereaved. Getting help is something that all of us should be able expect from family in our time of need. Hang in there! Hugs, Trina

Comment by janeo on January 6, 2015 at 6:25pm

 Marsha that song is so beautiful. It's like your a real angel picking us up and keep helping when we fall.  For now on your (aka) angel

Comment by Marsha H on January 6, 2015 at 2:26pm

Dear Carol ...  You are most welcome and the song pretty much says it all.  My favorite saying (I'm quoting from the title of a book) 'I'm dancing as fast as I can' also applies.  Everyone steps to a different beat when it comes to grief and there is no bad way to grieve.

I know the heartache of seeing our spouse's pictures brings back sad memories especially when the pictures were when they were ill.  I still miss my Ernie as you miss Jack. 

You are lucky to have snow out there.  I use to love snow, but now that Ernie is no longer here to drive in it I am praying we don't get any here.  So far so good.  LOL

Hang in there girl.

Love & Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on January 6, 2015 at 2:22pm

Renae ...  I am so sorry to hear of all your pipes under the trailer freezing.  I can sympathize with you as I live in a small rancher home and just before Christmas there were several leaks (pipes are under a crawl space) and I had to get a plumber and clean-up crew (some of the repair my house insurance covered) but I had to pay thousands of dollars that I could ill afford.  I just sat and bawled, then slapped myself and had to face the reality of it.  I have no idea why, but it seems for us widows that if something can go wrong it does.  Anyone that tells you that 'you're down' needs the psychiatric treatment!  Of course you are 'down' because your spouse passed away.  You are grieving and as difficult as it is grieving is part of the healing process.  As far as someone being ignorant enough to think you are suicidal it's not uncommon and I went through that with one of my friends (don't know which one.)  Of course I cried my heart out when my husband passed away, but was hardly suicidal.  I wonder if these people live in a plastic bubble. I think your daughter was disrespectful by making you tell the nurse you weren't suicidal, but I do believe it was done with love and concern.  Your daughter has a loss to contend with too and doesn't want to lose you and she simply needed to be assured you were OK as far as not wanting to give up on life.  Your grief is very normal. 

I have found in the 4 years since my husband passed away that so-called Christians were the worst as far as understanding grief and also offering a helping hand and I've had more help from friends or my neighbors next door.  I have a small immediate family; my brother and two grown nephews and never get one ounce of help.  I have 3 friends who are Christians and have had no help from them.  I have to pay for much of what has to be fixed around my home.  It shocks me this is happening, but grief counseling warned all members that many friends would shy away and disappear, getting on with their lives.  For you this is a time that your family should be understanding, supportive and loving towards you.  You are in raw grief, but try sitting down with your family and explain your feelings and don't be afraid to tell them they are the ones that can't seem to deal with it all and you need their support.  Those who constantly state they are Christians generally stop being Christians as soon as they are out the church door or out of Bible Study.  Most of the help I've had are good people that never tell me what their religious beliefs are.  Your father being in construction could have gotten you some help with your frozen pipes and don't let him off the hook on that one.  You may feel put upon and very alone right now (you are not because all of us here are behind you 100%) and many of us have gone through similar circumstances that you are going through, but I will tell you this hon, even through your grief you are much stronger than you think.  I know it's difficult, but I found fending for myself made me that much stronger.  When my family ignores me or doesn't offer any support I'm right in their faces calmly telling them how I feel and that they have a brain and to use it!  I just recently did this with my brother because he's retired and never comes to visit me or offer help and I know he loves me, but that wasn't good enough so I phoned him and read the riot act.  Thus far he is making an effort.  I know some family members don't like to see us in pain and try to go for short-cuts dealing with your grief because of that.  YOU ARE IN CONTROL! 

Big hugs!

Marsha 

 

Comment by Kathy Parker on January 6, 2015 at 12:45pm
Hi Renae, you have been on my mind. I know and feel your pain. Your family seems to be obtuse to your suffering. Don't let then off the hook. Insist they be there to help you in your time of need.
Comment by Frank Andrews on January 6, 2015 at 9:27am

Renae,

  Marsha wisely advises that communicating is the key word and often problems are solved by just talking openly about your problems and trying to get family members to understand what you are going through and some help is needed. Have you asked your dad to help with the pipes in order to save money? 

  I feel your pain as I have had to deal with many problems over the holidays and this was the third alone and the worst yet. One phone call and my sons did not even buy a card for me after I told them no gift exchanging because money is tight for them.

  Take it one day at a time or even one hour at a time and I know the problems will get solved with the water pipes.  Your family will come around once they better understand how grief affects a person who has lost a spouse....I sincerely hope they do.

  You are not alone. Hugs.

Comment by Barbara Sullivan on January 6, 2015 at 8:59am

Renae -- I am so sorry for your troubles with your water pipes.  Last year, one pipe burst and flooded my TV room.  I thank God for family.  After having the pipe replaced, we had to tear up all the carpeting and padding, dry out the floor underneath with fans and heaters and replace the padding and carpeting.  My family came to the rescue and even the teenage grandchildren helped move furniture and put down the new padding and carpet.  I know it is a blow to you to find your family unwilling to offer help -- however, Christianity is no guarantee against cold-hearted self-interest.  Remember those who stand with you during this time -- keep them close.  And, as for those so-called Christians, pray for them.  They need prayer.

So sorry, hon.  Wish I could help.

Barb

Comment by Renae McKee on January 6, 2015 at 7:41am

I am in living in a very dark world right now!!!! Yesterday after going on the 5th day with frozen pipes, the water company thawing my water meter, replacing the one pipe I thought was the problem, well now all the pipes busted under my mobile home!!! I got so frustrated & down that my sisters & niece revealed why no one talks to me(because I am down all the time) ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! Then my oldest daughter called my psychiatrist and told the nurse that she felt I was suicidal (WHAT?) So today I have to go see him and had to verbally agree on the phone with the nurse yesterday that I would not harm myself. My family all went to San Antonio for the holidays, I can not travel yet due to venous insufficiency, and not a single person called me on my Birthday the 24th, Christmas or New Years. I am appalled at how I am being treated, well lets say punished, for what MY HUSBAND DYING?????? They all claim to be Christians, but I did not think this is how Christian families treat one another. My Dad is a contractor, you would think he could send some of his men here to help me, or come himself, but no!!! WHAT DID I DO SO WRONG????? 

 

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