Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 16. 4 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on July 1, 2014 at 5:31am

Theresa ...  You are so sweet and thank you for that nice compliment.  I always enjoy your posts and you always seem to keep Legacy alive and running and that makes you one very special person on here.



Comment by Marsha H on July 1, 2014 at 5:28am

Karen ... You are so very welcome and might I suggest you print out the information from that link and give it to your family and tell them it would be a great favor to you if each of them would read it.  They cannot feel the deep grief that you do losing your love, but they can certainly have some idea of what it is like.  I took a similar piece of information and emailed some family members, friends and printed out some to other friends and if they said one wrong word to me as to how I should be grieving I'd look them right in the eye and say, 'You didn't read the information I gave you did you?  I know what I'm going through is normal.  Unless you read it keep your comments to yourself.'  That sure did the trick and although not all read it many did and it was a whole different ball game.  Most of us on here that have grieved for a year or more know now that grief is different for each one of us and it's a rough road, but grief also helps us to learn about things in our lives.  It humbles us, makes us more sensitive to others who are in mental anguish or in pain and it makes us stronger.  Like you, I felt I kept failing over and over again until one day I realized I was getting stronger.  We will never forget our spouses and even 5 - 10 years or more we'll shed a tear or two, but, we will have a future for ourselves that we so choose to lead.  There is light at the end of the tunnel Karen so hang on and lean on us.

Comment by Marsha H on July 1, 2014 at 5:19am

Georgia ...  I completely understand how you feel about the diagnosis of pancreatic cancer and everything going so fast after that.  My husband was 65 when he passed away.  With the other health issues he had we never dreamed he had pancreatic cancer as he'd lost so much weight before they diagnosed him with Celiac Disease so we thought perhaps his diet wasn't strict enough and we weren't prepared for the devastating news.  I know how difficult it is to watch our spouses dwindle away before our eyes and that everything is out of our control.  All I remember is going after his surgeon who was a complete jerk with no empathy and I had to be at him 24/7 and believe me I was!  I talked to Head Nurses, nurses and our family doctor and tried getting some support from the hospital to help us both through this difficult time.  I was completely exhausted at the end of the evening, but kept plowing ahead to try and 'make him better' when I knew inside I couldn't.  It took me several months after he passed away to remember that we had a few words together as often he was in a fog-like state on pain medication.  We loved each other for over 40 years and told each other so, but soon he withdrew because I know it was hard to leave everyone he loved behind.  I did give him permission to pass away near the end and I know that sounds narcissistic, but I've had other loved ones pass away and sometimes they need to know it's OK to slip away and be at peace and out of pain.  It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

More and more those last memories of being with your loved one will come back to you.  The one thing that keeps me going (and I do fall often, but get back up) is the fact they were so brave and managed in the midst of the madness of their disease they kept their dignity.  Now I realize after 3 1/2 years after his death he left me with not only wonderful memories and that I was so lucky to have had him in my life he taught me much throughout our lives together and I will never let his memory fade and I'll take those lessons he taught me and pass them forward.

Print out the information on that link I gave you and give it to family so they can have a better idea of what normal grief is because you are normal and if you didn't grieve the way you were then you'd have to be made out of stone.

I hope you are having a bit more of a peaceful day Georgia and remember we are always here for you. 

Comment by MikeF on June 30, 2014 at 9:34pm


My wife also died of pancreatic cancer.  She was six days past her 57th birthday.  It was roughly six months after her diagnosis.  Like your husband, her symptoms were vague (food did not taste right... which led to weight loss).  I suspect that by the time she was showing any symptoms she was already in Stage IV. 

It has been a year and a half. I start feeling better and then seem to regress.  Grief is definitely not a linear path.  I have been participating in a bereavement group since just after her death and it has helped keep me connected.  It is the one place that I can really talk and not feel out of my mind.  I don't cry so much on the outside, but there are days when I feel like I can't stop crying on the inside.

Yes, your feelings are normal.  Just reading the posts here, you see we all have followed a similar path.  No two of us have the same story.  We all experience grief in slightly different ways.  But it is in sharing our experiences that we all find hints as to how to rebuild our lives.

Comment by georgia on June 29, 2014 at 11:15pm
Jane p. ,Elvira,thank you for understanding.
God bless .
Comment by georgia on June 29, 2014 at 10:56pm
Marsha, Theresa,thank you for your kind words.
Marsha, my husband also passed from pancreatic cancer,only 58, it came out of no where, he started to Lose weight we when to doctor and everything just when so fast,I am just know beginning to remember thinks he told me during that time.
Thank you again.
Comment by janeo on June 29, 2014 at 8:37pm


You did not fail, there is no such word with  grief. Set backs yes I think those steps backwards actually helps us move forward. Thats   how I feel anyway.  If you want a chuckle a little I even cry to the teller in the bank. Their probably saying oh no here she comes.

Comment by Steve Cain on June 29, 2014 at 7:44pm
Karen, we all get these moments. Five years have passed and there are still moments that hit me and I feel like I took 6 steps back. My mom told me after my dad died you never "get over" it. Although my life has changed I will always have my times.
Comment by Karen W on June 29, 2014 at 7:16pm
Janeo, thank you for the kind words and for the prayers. Both are appreciated! Theresa, although I'm not new to the site, I haven't posted much, thinking I was okay and strong enough to handle it all. Well, NOT! So here I am, and thank you for listening.
Comment by Karen W on June 29, 2014 at 7:03pm
Marsha, thank you. I really needed to hear that my feelings and experiences are "normal" and okay. Sometimes I just don't know. I'm so used to being strong and in control of my self and my situations, it's so frightening sometimes to be so totally out of control emotionally. Especially when I thought I was doing well dealing with things and then to be brought to my knees again, discouraging. I have good friends and I have a great family, but as hard as they try, they really don't get it, this grief thing. So I find myself smiling and saying, "it's okay, I'm okay" when I'm really not because I'm just too exhausted and sad to try and explain it to them. My Ed and I loved and enjoyed our life. There was so much fun and laughter. I know he wants me to feel that way again. I try hard but I can't seem to hold on to it for very long before the sadness comes back and I feel like I've failed again. I understand that I need to give myself permission to be sad, to grieve, without feeling like I'm weak or pathetic. It's something that goes against the grain though and doesn't come easy. Although I'm not new to this site, I haven't posted much. I did check out the link and will read it all more thoroughly again later. Thanks again for listening and caring.

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