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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1373
Latest Conversations: 2 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Michelle on October 21, 2014 at 8:15pm

I am glad I am not the only one chattering to a spouse.

Comment by Carol Kayser on October 21, 2014 at 8:05pm
Janeo, thank you so much for those beautiful words:). I do feel very connected to Jack through Abby.
I am so glad you talk to Richie anytime now. I'm always nattering away to Jack!
Hugs!
Comment by janeo on October 21, 2014 at 7:39pm
Mark,
Someone once told me that you can talk to them anywhere you are. I used to go every Saturday morning now I can talk to Richie any time without going to him. And yes guilt is part of grieving but thats normal. And I'm glad your back posting again.
Comment by janeo on October 21, 2014 at 7:28pm
Carol,
I believe jack is around Abigail . And jack is also with you as well. Just by the love you and Abigail share. That's a beautiful thing. I think we will always grieve we just have to learn how to cope. Your words of wisdom is appreciated by all.
Comment by Carol Kayser on October 21, 2014 at 6:54pm

Hello to all who have written lately, I really feel some comments have really touched me, 4 years now since the loss of my beloved Jack.  It's true, I don't cry as much, but when I do it is for something random that just brings those tears.  There is also the anger about why it happened, and on it goes.

Barbara, you alluded to feeling needed and doing things to help your family and your grandchildren.  I truly think that is why I am here, both my sweetheart and God discussed it (smile) and decided I need to be there for my sweet Abigail!  Just the other evening my daughter said to her "you will be mine forever" and little Abby (3 years old) said "but you will have to share me with grandma"!  We are definitely very close and this I feel is my commitment to my husband, that I love Abby for both of us.

We absolutely try, as Marsha says, to reinvent ourselves, but that is a tall order.  After all we have lost half of our essence of who we were and how do you take that other half and remold?  It takes a long time, if indeed it does happen at all.

I know that there is incredible sadness "out there" and even though tears may not fall as readily, there is grief for the loss of the rest of our "together lives" as Elvira says, of the planning, the trips, the small pleasures not be experienced.  That I think is where I am now, as I get older, the regret of the rest of that part of life.

We can only take one day at a time, and that is ok for us.  We don't have to place undue pressure on ourselves to be "better" and "fine".  We can just be who we are now.

Big hugs,

Carol

Comment by Mark Jackson on October 20, 2014 at 1:43pm

Hello Everyone,

  I'd thought I would drop by and say hey. Sorry I been a while since I've posted anything or checked in. I still read your post mostly late at night when I can't sleep. Which is most nights. My doctor wants me to start taking sleeping pills, but I just don't feel right or good when I do. come to think of it I haven't felt right in a long time. I well say that just reading your posts helps out a lot. Just to know that your truly not alone in this journey helps.  Well I've made it though my first year. I don't remember much of it, but I made it.

My biggest battle right now is the feelings of guilt I have when I can't make it to see Cathy. I try to stay busy to keep me sane, and make time to go see her and talk, but most of the time I get to busy and time gets away from me and I don't make it there. Then when I do realize I didn't go it tears me apart. I feel like I'm forgetting her and that's hurts the most. Then if I do go it feels like it just happen yesterday, and I'm losing her again. Its a vicious circle, but its one I'm going to get though. I was reading the other night and found a poem I think you will like. I know it has help me, I can hear my Cathy saying it to me. I'm sorry I don't know who wrote it, but here it is:                                     Well I've gone on long enough.  I'll kept you all in my prayers.

Comment by Marsha H on October 17, 2014 at 5:24am

Georgia ..  We do feel your pain.  Some of us have been in the raw pain you have been in and I sometimes still go through it after  3 1/2 years, but the feelings are further apart and not so intense.  Jane P gave wise advice that the 5 sense, sight, sound, smell, taste and feel can trigger grief.  Grief to all of us is cruel, feels never-ending, but, it does ease as time passes and everyone is different in their time-line of grief.  I've learned to go with the flow and cry when I want to and that goes for sleeping if I want to.  It is also a good idea to either have a trusted family member or a friend that you can count on and vent to.  Lean on us as well and just express yourself in your posts.  I do hope you are getting some grief counseling because it does help to know others are going through the same thing you are.

I too have had a few multiple deaths and recently a friend who passed away far too young.  When grieving it certainly can make many of us feel as if death surrounds us, but, in time the road ahead with be less foggy and you will see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Hugs

Marsha H

Comment by Marsha H on October 17, 2014 at 3:30am

Dear Elvira ...  It has been 3 1/2 years since my dear Ernie passed away and although time does heal to a degree I still have my cries or the ultimate question 'why him?'  I just returned from my grief session and we were just talking about how our faith has ebbed at times.  I promise you that things will ease up for you and it just takes time.  It is made more difficult for you with multiple deaths in your family and that's a lot of grieving at one time so don't worry about falling away from your faith because it's very natural when we lose the ones we love to be angry at God and He knows this.  Once we get through grieving there is no doubt in my mind that those that have religious will return to it.  It is also normal when we lose even one person we love to death that our own mortality comes into question and we fear losing more loved ones in our lives, but this too shall pass in time.  We begin to realize it's the cycle of life even though sometimes it seems all so unfair to us.   

I know it is sad to celebrate being a grandmother for the first time, but, did you ever think that wee babe is also part of Frank?  I have no doubt also that Frank will be there in spirit to see the new arrival with a big smile on his face and eventually you'll be telling your new grand baby how wonder his/her grandfather was.  I have come to realize through my own grief that the soul never goes away and we carry the light of our spouses and carry it forward to family, friends and keep the memories burning.  Without realizing it some of those memories will make you laugh instead of cry and some will bring a tear to your eye, but they are precious moments all of us have been so fortunate to have. 

You sleep as much as you want to Elvira because that's normal with fresh grief.  Grief sucks the energy out of us and we shed tears which in turn releases stress, but can exhaust us at the same time.  Eventually you will gain strength and slowly (baby steps) you will get away from sleeping as much.  All that you are experiencing is normal and no, you aren't going crazy.  Know that we are all here for you and in our prayers.

You don't sound like a broken record and this forum is about venting so we can lean on each other and give encouragement so keep coming on here and just say what is on your mind.

Big hugs (because you need it)

Marsha H.

Comment by georgia on October 16, 2014 at 11:32pm
Marsha, thank you for your heart felt words.
Today was a lonely and sad day.
Comment by georgia on October 16, 2014 at 11:29pm
Elvira , it is 15 months since my Louie passed and there is not a day that I don't cry.
I also have not returned to church, I have prayed and prayed over the years and I also have lost a lot of people.
Maybe it is not Gods fault but I am so turned off to church, Not God, I don't understand it .
So I just don't think about it.
It is enough just going to work , visiting my husband at the C......
I still can not believe that he is not with me physically , I do believe he is with me spiritually . BUT I want him Physically .
It gets exhausting by the end of the day .
 

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