Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1374
Latest Conversations: 19 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

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Comment by Terry Kent on October 29, 2014 at 10:29am

Thank you Wilela and Janeo.  Its wonderful to have this place to come and share with those who understand so well.

Comment by janeo on October 29, 2014 at 9:47am
Dear Terry
we all understand and that's what were here for. Keep posting your feelings here. We care and help you go through this rough time. And don't forget what your feeling is normal. God Bless
Comment by Terry Kent on October 29, 2014 at 9:11am

Hi Everyone:  I continually read all the posts and still try to come to grips every day with how my Gus was just taken away one day at work and never came home.  It's been 10 months and it still feels like yesterday.  I just made plans for my kids and I to go away for Thanksgiving and Xmas because I can't bear to be here in the house that was always filled with the family and company and my husband enjoying it all.  I find myself writing quite frequently when I try to go to bed and can't sleep.  Sometimes on paper, and sometimes on the notes app of my iphone which is sitting on the nightstand.  I can't explain the "why" but for some reason I try to get into words that deep, raw pain that we all feel after the loss of someone who meant so much to us.  Last night I wrote this, and I feel like it represents so many of us that I just wanted to share it.  It may be weird, I'm certainly not a writer, but it helps when I write these things down and I thought it might help and I know you all can relate.

How is it that you can find that deepest connection, that truest love that goes right to the heart of your being?  You are like 2 halves that match up perfectly, 2 puzzle pieces that fit--if one is gone the puzzle is forever incomplete. 

Losing that someone--the other half of you--leaves an emptiness deeper than you ever knew existed.  A feeling so foreign and so painful it's unexplainable.  The only life you knew or wanted has been torn in half.  How can you go on from that?  That puzzle was one of a kind, can never be complete again, yet somehow it's still supposed to be what it always was.  but it's not--there's a hole in it.  People will never look at it the same.  They will always see the missing piece.  You, being the puzzle, feel the hole in you and feel the loss of what used to complete you.  A broken puzzle forever.  You can try to cut a shape and color it in to blend but it's just a mask, a filler for what's missing.  There is no replacement...only permanent loss that reaches deeper than you ever knew.

And then there's the kids...they came along and added wonderful edges and scenes to that puzzle.  They made it bigger...and better.  But the missing piece--it's that one in the middle, that base piece that without it the puzzle is totally distorted and no longer looks like the picture it was supposed to be, or even a picture at all.  Just An Empty Space where once was completeness.....

Thank you for letting me share my thoughts today. 


Comment by Barbara Sullivan on October 29, 2014 at 7:36am

Dear Elvira -- As Jane said, it does not get better, but somehow, easier to bear.  One thing I think I can offer you -- til this day, I cannot be sad when I am with my baby granddaughter who is just 2 years old.  The children are God's gift of joy.  We have had 3 new babies added to our family since Chris passed away -- and, I believe he knew each of their little angel souls before they came to us -- there is an old saying that when babies smile in their sleep, they are dreaming of angels -- when our babies smile in their sleep, I know they are dreaming of their Grandpa Chris.  

If it helps, hold the thought that Pablo already knows your baby grandson, and has held him, with love -- and, will deliver him safely to your arms.



Comment by Elvira Castellanos on October 28, 2014 at 10:35pm

Hello everyone, I see that the site has been pretty active, which maybe means we are looking for support, Sarah, sorry for your loss, you found the right place. my weekend was stressful and depressing, last Sunday was our 34th wedding anniversary, I kept reliving last year when we were so happy celebrating our anniversary in a cruise & unable to understand how 4 months after he was gone leaving me & my heart broken in pieces, it's almost 9 months since his death & I can't control my crying all the time, I feel an overwhelming sadness & it's not getting better, can hardly sleep the past few weeks & even going to work is not helping lately because their is lots of stressful situations there lately, trying to keep positive for the coming of my first grandchild in approximately one month, happy but sad at the same time, Pablo would have been thrilled to be able to hold a baby in his arms,he was so much looking forward to buying his or her first yankee outfit, it turns out it will be a boy & I did buy him the first yankee onesies in my husband's honor, how ironic that my daughter in law is exactly pregnant 8 and a half months which happens to be the same amount of time that my husband has been gone, my son says this baby was sent to them by his dad & I think he is right, that gives me a little comfort,

Just wanted to express the heartache that I felt this past weekend because it was really tough, wishing everyone here some peace, we certainly all need it & a good night.

Comment by Sarah Bryant on October 28, 2014 at 8:00pm

I just want to thank you all for your comments.  Where I live is very isolated with my closest neighbors being 3 miles away.  And it's too far out to participate in a lot of activities that take place during the evening.  So, I haven't been able to even consider a grief support group because the closest one would be about 25 miles away.  Having this group to be able to express my thoughts and feelings to people who truly understand because they have walked in my shoes is a Godsend.  Thank you.

Comment by janeo on October 28, 2014 at 5:50pm
Sarah, so sorry for your loss. There are no words to speak to ease the pain. We understand and everyone here are with you through this roller coaster of a ride. Everyone here has been a blessing.
Comment by Barbara Sullivan on October 27, 2014 at 7:14am

Dear Sarah -- So sorry for the loss of your husband, Joe.  Your story reminds me that whether the death of a spouse comes suddenly or is expected, it is always an agonizing blow to our hearts.  My husband, Chris passed away from lung cancer (he was not a smoker) on April 10, 2013.  This last year and a half has been  -- words don't begin to describe it -- sad, lonely, agonizing, confusing.  Two things I have learned -- grief does not progress in a straight line through stages, we travel in circles, feeling 'okay' some days, and devastated the next; Also, just as love grows deeper in our hearts over time, so does sorrow -- and our grieving, eventually, becomes more like an ache than an open wound.  

Be gentle and patient with yourself, Sarah.  Do whatever helps you make it through.  Rely on friends and family, and even though they may not know how to help, remember that they love you.  

I wish you peace and comfort.



Comment by Marsha H on October 27, 2014 at 5:11am

Sarah ...  I forgot to tell you that for now try sleeping on the sofa and have the TV down low and often this will help you drift off to sleep faster.

Comment by Marsha H on October 27, 2014 at 5:10am

Dear Sarah .. My deepest condolences to you. I am so sorry you had to come to this forum, but this forum saved my life when my husband Ernie passed away April 27, 2011 of pancreatic cancer.

I am so happy your Joe got to come home and be with you (my husband was in hospice less than 24 hours) and I felt he would be able to come home for visits, but he was ready to go and I gave him my permission lying that I would be OK.

The journey of grief is different for all of us yet we all have much in common.  What you are experiencing right now is very common because you are coming out of the shock of Joe passing.  We that were caregivers were grieving before they passed away and after they do we aren't use to suddenly not being able to do things for them and we are left with a void in our lives.  You may feel some insomnia or sleep too much, loss of appetite or eating too much, not wanting to talk to family or friends, feeling weak, dizzy and just out of sorts.  Often the tears come for many and it seems they will never stop.  Remember hon, these are all normal reactions and you aren't going crazy and heart-rendering grief doesn't last forever and it just takes time so be kind to yourself and sleep when you can.  I know you work, but perhaps if you can take a leave of absence until you can get into a better sleep pattern or, if you know a coworker who lives in your area perhaps you can get a ride from them. You may feel at times you just can't make it to work and your memory isn't the same (doesn't last forever) but it is better to work than constantly stay home. 

The members on this forum are angels and when one of us is down (including) there are others that encircle you and rise you up again.  You're going to make it hon so please keep coming back to the forum.

Big hugs (because you need it)

Marsha H. 


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