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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on June 29, 2014 at 3:40pm

Dear Karen ..  All your feelings are very normal and you are not pathetic and believe it or not you are not going backwards in grief, but just missing your Ed and why shouldn't you.  Losing a spouse is one of the most difficult types of grief other than losing a child.  They were so much a part of our lives and suddenly our long-time routines together and our loving relationships were suddenly cut short with no warning even if one knew their spouse had a terminal disease such as my husband Ernie who passed away April 27, 2011 of pancreatic cancer.  I realize now I was grieving long before he passed away.  Your grief is so very raw right now and although unpleasant all the symptoms you are experiencing is very real.  I have left a link for Georgia so please go on the link and read about grief.  The journey of grief is a tough road, but this forum saved my life and we can express our frustrations and occasional joys on here without fear of being judged. 

It is common not to want to go to happy events because you miss your spouse even more and at the beginning of grief there are just too many emotions to deal with.  Many people do understand how you feel although they may not be able to realize just how deep the loss is because they haven't experienced it.  Crying or even sleeping as much as possible and trying to eat as best you can and some exercise even if it's just walking with a friend helps.  I know all of the words said in this post may not make you feel that much better within yourself at this time of your grief, but slowly you will become stronger.  Listen to your body and if you want to cry, the cry and if you want to sleep, then sleep and if you don't want to go to a special occasion then don't.  I started to go shopping (not always buying something) just to keep myself out in society and be around people so I wouldn't become a hermit.  I was angry sometimes, crying while driving, coming home to an empty house, watching long-time friends abandon me and suddenly I started to make a few new friends.  I still can opt out on going somewhere if I'm not up to it and I don't feel guilty about it and sometimes I go and surprise myself and realize I had a decent time of it although it was never the same as my Ernie being there.  I like to believe our spouses are right beside us giving us the strength to move on and keeping their memory alive and I strive for this and my husband taught me so many good things in life which I would like to pass forward to others. 

You did not just go on and we feel your pain. Lean on us! 

Even to this day I can get so frustrated trying to maintain my small rancher home when it was Ernie who fixed this and that and I feel pulled back to feeling useless, pathetic, losing my dignity and have sat down on the floor and cried my eyes out, but then I force myself up and get moving again.  That old song 'Ain't No Mountain High Enough' comes to mind and I know I receive some strength from a higher power to keep moving forward. 

I hope you go on that link I left Georgia, learn about grief, breath through the troubled times and perhaps consider a meditation exercise.  Some people take Yoga, Tai Chi while others bike, run or walk. 

Just keep posting hon and we'll be here for you to help you in your journey of grief as you aren't alone!

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on June 29, 2014 at 3:24pm

Dear Georgia ...  I am sorry you have to come to this site, but it is one of the most helpful sites you could possibly come to and get support by what I call 'angels' as we are all going through the same thing and understand how each of us feels when those around us in our every day life do not.  You can put your deep thoughts in a post and never be judged.

Your grief is very new to you and some of us are at the beginning of grief, in the middle or further ahead, but it all helps in this grief journey we are taking.  When one member falls the rest come to the rescue. 

My husband passed away April 27, 2011 of pancreatic cancer and I still miss him and he will always be part of me until we meet again in the afterlife and I still talk out loud to him when at home or under a stressful situation.  I have found time is the factor and I look back and wonder how I even made it and it was certainly a great part of the members on this forum.  I still have my cries, feel lonely and deserted by long time friends and only have a small immediate family and no children, but have 2 dogs that keep me going and forcing me to go for walks and get out of the house.

I know the searing pain of realizing your loving partner is not coming back and life won't be like it was before and we have to try and find a future for ourselves all over again and it's a tough journey, but many have succeeded doing it. 

I am leaving you this link and hope it will give some peace and assurance that what you are going through is very normal.  I hope you join a grief group in your area and if not comfortable with that then perhaps a one-on-one with a grief counselor.  You are never alone and we are here to help.  http://www.sharecare.com/health/stress-reduction/article/coping-wit...

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by georgia on June 29, 2014 at 12:33am
Hello to everyone , my name is Georgia , I have been reading this blog for about five months, this is the first time Iam posting.
I want to say how much this site has helped me the last five months. And how I have felled Everyone's pain .
It has been eleven months and fourteen days since my husband left this life for his journey to our next life. I miss him soooooo much,more then life itself.
There has not been a day that I don't think of him and cry. Some days I cry more then others.BUT I need to cry otherwise I feel I will explode of sorrow.
You see from the diagnose to his leaving it was only seven weeks.
Iam sorry Iam just going on and on .God I hurt so much for him.
I just want to talk to him and ask if he is alright,.?
Thank you all for reading.
Georgia.
Comment by janeo on June 28, 2014 at 11:27pm
Karen,
It's okay to cry. I find that letting those tears out helps. Your still probably in that shock stage and I'mso sorry for your lost and pain. Although It's veeynormal for what your feeling. ItIt's been 41/2 years for me. And I still get those days were I just sit and cry and I find it releasing all those feeling healing. Don't fight the grief and grieve at your own pace. Just know all the angels on here will lift you up when your down. Lean on us for bad days, good days.
My prayers going out to you.
Comment by Karen W on June 28, 2014 at 10:23pm
It is 6 months 21 days and 12 hrs since Ed passed away and still I get blindsided by huge waves of grief and emotions. I've been fighting back tears for the past week, and today the floodgates opened! I was supposed to drive to NJ to a grad party for my niece's daughter but cancelled last minute. I just couldn't handle being around so many people and dreaded the drive by myself. So I stayed home alone and cried. I hate feeling pathetic and I hate the drama but I'm unable to stop it. I do okay for a while but then it all comes rushing back. I really do want to move forward but it seems for every step forward there are 2 steps back! I also seem to be beset by fears and panic attacks lately. That's a new wrinkle I sure don't need. I know I need to give myself time and I know I have to keep moving forward but right now, today, it's really really difficult and I'm so very tired.
Comment by janeo on June 28, 2014 at 8:23pm

Carol.

I couldn't of said it better myself. Your words are so true.

Comment by Carol Kayser on June 27, 2014 at 11:27pm

Hello to both Deb and Kristen and Terry, as I am reading your posts my heart just goes out to each of you on the sudden loss of your beloveds.  A death that we know is coming through illness is so extremely difficult but we have at that point already began to grieve our loss, but for yourselves, how do you prepare - the answer being you can't.  One moment they are with you and the next they are not.  It's heartbreaking.  As others say, we recognize we need to continue to live and to find some meaning in our own lives, but there is the period of grieving and lonlieness that sometimes will not leave us or comes to us in waves of uncontrollable grief.  It is good to have a focus and a purpose if we can find it - something to get us up and moving.  It's also incredibly helpful to find someone to talk and share with and this site provides so much of a comfort.

For myself, my husband will have been gone 4 years in August.  He is tucked safely in my heart and we still have a binding love.

Take baby steps and take a little time for yourselves, come back often.

Hugs,

Carol

Comment by Kristen on June 27, 2014 at 7:09pm

Deb, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost Rob 4 months tomorrow (Feb 28) to H1N1 flu. He was 48 yrs old and healthy. The range of emotions that I go through on a daily basis has not gotten easier. I am moving along and dealing the best I can. Basically doing what I need to do, going to work, taking care of issues that have cropped up with the house and trying my best. I try not to think about the future, but just try to think about tomorrow. Being only 46, I can't believe that I am in this "place". So lost without him. Rob and I had so many plans of growing old together. I'm glad you found us here. Everyone here understands.

Comment by Theresa Wimann on June 27, 2014 at 6:15pm
Deb, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in January and I can't believe how rapidly time has passed. I still miss him every day but life is still moving forward. I put more books on the book shelves today. Some of the 17 boxes we had to move during Bruce's last few months for a hospital bed. A neighbor carried them up. I'm keeping some and donating the rest for a booksale. I'll be glad when I'm done. I keep finding markers in among the pages and think life interrupted. God I hate cancer. But, I'm doing okay. I still have rough days. I certainly haven't figured out how to budget on one salary but I will. I have to keep moving forward. Grieve, but don't get lost in it. If we cease to live, then the person we are grieving won't live either. They only live through our stories and memories and in our hearts and souls. Keep love alive.
Comment by Marsha H on June 25, 2014 at 4:09pm

Deb ... I am so sorry about the way your beloved husband passed away and can't even begin to imagine the shock it was for you.  Life just doesn't seem fair and as hard as we try we can't make sense of it most of the time. 

My husband Ernie also quit smoking and I was proud of him, but then about 2 years after that he became sick (he was never sick and this 6' 6" hero of mine was always going to be with me) but, he became very ill before being diagnosed with Celiac Disease (wheat gluten disorder) and we got him through that at his weight went from 156 lbs. to 225 in a matter of 2 months and we thought that was the end of it.  Then his throat became swollen and when he saw the doctor it was deemed as Strep Throat, but thankfully I took a look myself and could see his airways closing off so rushed him to ER.  It seemed to take forever to get a diagnosis, but when they did find a cyst the size of a walnut under his tongue is shocked us.  The surgery wasn't a pleasant one and I felt so badly for him.  Then a reprieve for a few short months and we both felt anything that happened we could beat it together, but we weren't prepared for his having pancreatic cancer and the journey throughout that was hell for him and also myself.  Even though it's difficult to sit by and have no control over the death of your spouse I do know sudden death is much more difficult.  I pray things go better for you and time is a factor of healing through our grief.  I have come to the conclusion that life isn't fair and many things don't make sense. 

Stay strong my friend.

 

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