Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.
Latest Conversations: on Friday
This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.
Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21.
Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24.
Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22.
Wilela ... I was the same as you and never gave pancreatic cancer much thought because I never heard anything about it until Ernie was diagnosed with it.
Many have ceased to give donations to the various cancer societies because they want to know exactly where the money is going; want to know administration fees, salaries and just how much is actually going to finding cures. In over 50 years there has been few cures for cancer and those statistics just don't make sense. I phoned the cancer society myself and asked the questions I mentioned above and never got one decent answer. I have talked to many people and they no longer give to cancer research until they see more results for cures.
Good post Wilela.
Eliva ... so nice to see you post and thank you for the compliment. Don't worry about your faith as it will return. God knows we can get angry or very sad at the loss of a loved one. I still struggle with my faith as well. I can understand you not wanting to go to church right now since Pablo has passed away. Please remember he is always next to you giving you strength.
Please don't worry about your son's wedding. Most mothers cry at their son's or daughter's wedding so you'll fit right in and you won't ruin it for him. If he should ask why you are crying simply tell him it's because you are so happy for him and that's the truth. I think for the most part you will have a wonderful time think of this ... you and Pablo always hoped your son would marry a great girl and now it's happening and I'm sure Pablo will be right there. Some believe this to be true while others don't, but I've just had too many experiences to believe they aren't with us.
You go to that wedding, have a little cry, go somewhere quiet off and on if you need it and realize you aren't losing a son, but gaining a daughter.
Marsha, thank you for your posts, they always make me feel like there is some hope after all, your words are always so wise & they speak the truth, I too still question my faith, have gone back to church but not every week like I did when Pablo was here, we would go to church every sunday, so for me it is very hard to be there without him, I am right now struggling with my reaction & how I can handle my emotions next week at my son's wedding, I don't want to ruin it for him because he deserves a beautiful wedding that he has been preparing for such a long time.
Haven't posted too much recently because I feel I keep repeating myself & just come in to the site & read all the posts, which sometimes makes me realize I am not alone, because all here are struggling like me.
Thank you all for the posts that help me take one day at a time & hoping somewhere along the line it will get just a little bit better.
Hugs to all,
Georgia ... I was where you were when I came onto this forum 3 1/2 years ago and all of us have a very tough journey of grief. You should never feel guilty for being here. Going through grief leaves us with all sorts of emotions; bargaining with God to have one more chance with our spouse, fog-like state where nothing feels real and you find yourself thinking it's all a bad dream and your spouse will be home soon, family members not understanding how traumatic having a spouse pass away on you, some friends slowly deserting us while getting on with their own lives, tears and fears, anger our loved one passed away leaving us feeling the way we do, sometimes finding it difficult to keep your religious faith if you have one and eventually reality strikes and so we go on healing. The first few months after my husband died is a blur to me and I can only remember certain things, but that is the brains way of coping with the trauma. The second year I found myself getting things fixed on the outside of the house and tried to balance my life, but nothing seemed to work out for me and in my third year I have had to face reality and now I'm out of that fog-like state. It is far more difficult when you don't have children and also as I do a very small immediate family. I was also shocked at some long-time friends deserting me and now having to start making new friends which isn't always easy and also trying to keep busy. I do believe without us always realizing it we simply get stronger as it's the survival instinct in us and I do believe our spouses are right there next to us. I still can get frustrated, have my cries and sometimes feel very over-whelmed. I'm a senior and that's a burden added to grief as it's tough to find work and our government has cut-down on many programs one can volunteer for. I keep taking one baby step at a time and holding onto the fact that miracles do happen. Right now I just feel so lonely without my husband and hope one day I will meet a nice companion even if it's on a friendship basis so my social life opens up more. The upside is you are humbled and have more empathy for others and realize that material things don't mean much and I cast my eyes on the blessings I do have such as this forum, my dogs (fur-babies) who keep me getting up and walking and for a few loyal old friends and some new ones.
My sister-in-law said my brother mentioned how lonely I must feel without Ernie here and I am, but she told him what I told her .. I use to get mad at him for leaning against the door frame I just cleaned of finger prints when he got home from work and I've give anything to see those finger prints again so I know what you mean. We can't blame ourselves as we're only mortals and couples get on each other's nerves every so often, but now we know the small things we got huffy about mean nothing. That's another lessen not to take life too seriously with the small things in life.
Hang in there Georgia and you're going to make it.
Hugs (because you need it)
Georgia ... Thank you for your post. I am surprised that some on here who had a loved one pass away from pancreatic cancer did so in a matter of months as my husband was diagnosed in the early part of 2010 and had to live with that until he passed April 27, 2011. It must have been hell for him and I kept busy researching to any miracle and I think both of us were I such shock it didn't really occur to us that he would pass away. Life is unfair and no one knows why and that will be a question there is o answer to.
I hope you are having a better day of it Georgia. You are in my prayers as are all on here.
Carol ... Great post and yes, loss is unfair and even the way we age is not fair. I have just told my friend I was perplexed that when we were created why didn't we just have an expiration date on us and when our time came we just hit the deck. I will never understand why so many loved ones have to suffer or, why the aging population has to lose their dignity. 'Why' will never be answered.
You are so right that we should enjoy those around us we love and tell them often we do love them.
Chicago Beard .... I am so sorry to hear about your friend. I know this doesn't help, but thankfully your friend didn't have to suffer over a year with pancreatic cancer like my husband did and is finally at peace. I know that's not much consolation.
My brother and his wife came to visit me last Friday and he was saying that not so long ago he was looking at obituaries where older folks were passing away and now it's people his age ... family members and friends. It is certainly a reality check and makes each day precious to live to the fullest as best we can.
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