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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1376
Latest Conversations: yesterday

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on November 27, 2014 at 1:43pm

Janeo ... As always you are great at lifting our spirits.  I hope you have a good Thanksgiving.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by janeo on November 27, 2014 at 12:45pm
Steve Cain I especially want to say Happy Thankgiving to you and bless you for giving us a place to go when times are tuff. And even in our good days.Bless you and thinking of you today and always
Hugs
Comment by janeo on November 27, 2014 at 12:39pm

Happy Thanksgiving to all. I know it's going to be a hard for all.But my prayers for peace are with you today. 

Love and hugs for everyone. 

Comment by Marsha H on November 26, 2014 at 9:25pm

Sorry Michelle, meant to thank you for the pointers you gave me to find work and I really appreciate it and taking your advice in the New Year so wish me luck.  I don't have any children, but do get along with all ages.

Comment by Marsha H on November 26, 2014 at 9:24pm

Hi Michelle ...  This is a card site I've used for 8 years and they're beautiful cards.  It's $12/mo.  Could have gone up a little, but doubt it.  You'll love the cards.  If you want free sites let me know.http://www.jacquielawson.com/cards_birthday.asp

Glad you enjoyed my post.  Boy, was I insulted and mad.  He was no spring chicken either and I should have asked him when he was retiring before he ran out of wind.  LOL 

Comment by Michelle on November 26, 2014 at 9:15pm

@Renae, I am so sorry, hon. I wish that caring families and friends were more common. Anyone that needs to talk, please message me any time. I will try to reply quickly.

Comment by Michelle on November 26, 2014 at 9:09pm

By chance, do any of  you know of a good place to find grief holiday ecards? I looked through BlueMountain, 123greetings, etc. I wanted to send one to my husband's family. I forgot to buy cards this year and thanksgiving is tomorrow!

@Masrha, that is so wonderful to hear about your good mood.

A part time job, and your volunteering, are both wonderful ideas.

If you like children, I know that a lot of teachers can use help, especially in the K-3rd grade classes. With reading and guiding children through assignments.Or some teachers just need help with filing, photocopying and grading after school :)

Libraries need help with organizing books (in public libraries and schools).

I loved to read this from you "This woman isn't going down without a fight and know that I've been here!!!  I'll leave a crater the size of Connecticut!"

Comment by Marsha H on November 26, 2014 at 6:39pm

To all ...  I was in a good mood today and had a doctors appointment just to renew my prescription and my regular doctor wasn't there and I saw another doctor who was very kindly, but I was in for the shock of my life.  Anyone that has known me on this forum or even my family and friends here knows I don't believe in labels and age is what you make of it.  I'm 72 years old, told I don't look it, slim (too slim although I eat like a trucker) and considered intelligent and have a lot of energy and strength.  This doctor asked how I was doing and I told him at the beginning of the year I wanted to see if I could get a part-time job in order to meet more people and stay out in society (I volunteer already, but it doesn't fill in the whole void I feel.  I need to be truly needed which I believe all of us want.)  I was shocked when he told me I had to consider my age and should stick to volunteer work because who would hire me at my age!  Say what!!!  Wrong thing to say to this feisty person.  I came right back at him in a calm manner and told him that his way of thinking was what put down the elderly or widows and I disliked labels.  He retracted his statement by saying that even the young with degrees are working at Wal-mart or looking for jobs.  I can understand that, but I'm only looked for a few hours a week  I told him if he was up-to-date there were programs out there to educate the public that most seniors were capable of many things and reliable.  He seemed taken with the conversation we had.  I came out of there and sat in my car feeling like I was 90 years old, a piece of garbage no one wanted in a throw away society and suddenly saw a big blank for a future.  Then I got blasted mad and I will be damned if I'll let anyone tell me I'm too old to get my mojo working or that my faculties aren't sharp because they are.  This woman isn't going down without a fight and know that I've been here!!!  I'll leave a crater the size of Connecticut! LOL 

Marsha

 

Comment by Marsha H on November 26, 2014 at 6:26pm

Dear Barbara ...  I know what you mean.  Ernie and I did what Chris and you did and all these changes from the routines we had with them hit us so hard especially during the holiday season.  When you're eating alone think of me, because I'm eating in front of the TV just so I can another face. 

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on November 26, 2014 at 6:21pm

Renae ...  I am so sorry your family is doing this to you and thank God for your angel of a sister.  What has happened is your sister is there with you and taken the responsibility from the rest of the family and your sister probably keeps them informed as to how you are doing, but it doesn't make it right for them not to call you or invite you over for a stay.  My brother is younger than me and retired and could easily visit me at least once a month, but whines about the traffic even though he has no difficulty visiting a male friend.  I can't rely on him even to help me keep my car up to par.  I love him and I know he loves me.  One day I just up and phoned him and read the riot act because we only have each other.  Yes, his wife and my good friend visits me almost every weekend.  I told him I thought it was disgusting that he expecting male friends of Ernie's and I to do a few things he should be doing and that he never phoned just to be sure I was alive or dead.  His remark, 'Well, my wife comes over and she fills me in.'  I blew and told him that wasn't good enough and he could say all the 'I love you's' as he often does over the phone during a double blue moon, but actions speak louder than words.  He has been a bit better and when he lags I kick his butt!  I asked him if he hadn't learned a thing from Ernie's death.  He had no answer and was a lot better after that.  It's important to tell those you love that you love them while they are alive and not wishful thinking after they are gone. 

Renae, this is what I did with so-called friends.  I phoned each and every one of them and pointed out Ernie and I were always there for them over many years and I was disgusted with their attitude.  No one is that busy they can't phone every so often or visit.  It's an excuse!  They were dumb-founded and I made sure they understood if things didn't improve after reaching out to them that it was time to walk away.  Half stayed, the other half can't face reality or the mortality of their own death or that of a loved one.  People try to cheer you up because they don't know what else to do Renae and it's not meant to offend you.  Try to realize that they too miss your spouse and at the beginning of grief 'there is no pleasing a griever.'  Example:  The grief stricken person feels so alone and hurt because no one comes to visit or ask them out, but when someone does the griever could perhaps be having a bad day and refuses to go so this leaves a family member or friend perplexed and what they do is wait for you to make the first move.  It is too raw into your grief for you to do anything, but just grieve, cry, rest, eat and talk to your sister and face grief head on.  The intensity of grief doesn't last forever.  There is a link I left recently on one of the posts so forward that by email to your family so they will learn as best they can how to treat you and what you are going through.  It all boils down that they feel so hurt inside that you are in such pain in grief and don't know how to fix it for you and they can't as it's a journey each of us has to take alone with the exceptions of the angels on this forum.

Send your sister over to my place, I could use a good cook!  LOL  I detest cooking for myself.

You hang in there hon and we're here for you.  It's all normal what you are going through and eventually the intensity of the pain you feel now will lessen with time.

Hugs

Marsha

 

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