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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1371
Latest Conversations: Nov 8

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by georgia on June 29, 2014 at 10:56pm
Marsha, Theresa,thank you for your kind words.
Marsha, my husband also passed from pancreatic cancer,only 58, it came out of no where, he started to Lose weight we when to doctor and everything just when so fast,I am just know beginning to remember thinks he told me during that time.
Thank you again.
Comment by janeo on June 29, 2014 at 8:37pm

Karen

You did not fail, there is no such word with  grief. Set backs yes I think those steps backwards actually helps us move forward. Thats   how I feel anyway.  If you want a chuckle a little I even cry to the teller in the bank. Their probably saying oh no here she comes.

Comment by Steve Cain on June 29, 2014 at 7:44pm
Karen, we all get these moments. Five years have passed and there are still moments that hit me and I feel like I took 6 steps back. My mom told me after my dad died you never "get over" it. Although my life has changed I will always have my times.
Comment by Karen W on June 29, 2014 at 7:16pm
Janeo, thank you for the kind words and for the prayers. Both are appreciated! Theresa, although I'm not new to the site, I haven't posted much, thinking I was okay and strong enough to handle it all. Well, NOT! So here I am, and thank you for listening.
Comment by Karen W on June 29, 2014 at 7:03pm
Marsha, thank you. I really needed to hear that my feelings and experiences are "normal" and okay. Sometimes I just don't know. I'm so used to being strong and in control of my self and my situations, it's so frightening sometimes to be so totally out of control emotionally. Especially when I thought I was doing well dealing with things and then to be brought to my knees again, discouraging. I have good friends and I have a great family, but as hard as they try, they really don't get it, this grief thing. So I find myself smiling and saying, "it's okay, I'm okay" when I'm really not because I'm just too exhausted and sad to try and explain it to them. My Ed and I loved and enjoyed our life. There was so much fun and laughter. I know he wants me to feel that way again. I try hard but I can't seem to hold on to it for very long before the sadness comes back and I feel like I've failed again. I understand that I need to give myself permission to be sad, to grieve, without feeling like I'm weak or pathetic. It's something that goes against the grain though and doesn't come easy. Although I'm not new to this site, I haven't posted much. I did check out the link and will read it all more thoroughly again later. Thanks again for listening and caring.
Comment by Theresa Wimann on June 29, 2014 at 5:39pm
Marsha, I wish these posts had like buttons. I would have pushed like on your posts to Karen and Georgia. You give great advice.
Comment by Theresa Wimann on June 29, 2014 at 5:36pm
Went to visit mom today and she had a headache. I stayed for lunch and once I asked for a straw, she drank three big glasses of water and juice. I'm sure part of the headache was dehydration. It is so frustrating. Bruce would have listened and made good suggestions. I'm so frustrated sometimes when I don't have him to bounce ideas off. He used to be my favorite person to play bounce with. He never said that is stupid or are you crazy, he knew I was throwing out wild ideas to create synergy and he could help me link ideas so well. I play it with him in my head, when I am home but sometimes in public, I just want to cry because I can't call him and play bounce!
Comment by Theresa Wimann on June 29, 2014 at 5:31pm
Dear Georgia and Karen welcome to your new friends site. We promise that we will listen and commiserate with you. We will tell you that you are nor
T losing it. We will pray for you to be able to go on. We will share our stories as examples of what or what not to do. We will answer what seems to others as stupid questions. Drama is okay here! We will care about you for as long as you need us. I am sincerely sorry that we have to meet this way but know that you are welcomed and cared about.
Comment by Marsha H on June 29, 2014 at 3:40pm

Dear Karen ..  All your feelings are very normal and you are not pathetic and believe it or not you are not going backwards in grief, but just missing your Ed and why shouldn't you.  Losing a spouse is one of the most difficult types of grief other than losing a child.  They were so much a part of our lives and suddenly our long-time routines together and our loving relationships were suddenly cut short with no warning even if one knew their spouse had a terminal disease such as my husband Ernie who passed away April 27, 2011 of pancreatic cancer.  I realize now I was grieving long before he passed away.  Your grief is so very raw right now and although unpleasant all the symptoms you are experiencing is very real.  I have left a link for Georgia so please go on the link and read about grief.  The journey of grief is a tough road, but this forum saved my life and we can express our frustrations and occasional joys on here without fear of being judged. 

It is common not to want to go to happy events because you miss your spouse even more and at the beginning of grief there are just too many emotions to deal with.  Many people do understand how you feel although they may not be able to realize just how deep the loss is because they haven't experienced it.  Crying or even sleeping as much as possible and trying to eat as best you can and some exercise even if it's just walking with a friend helps.  I know all of the words said in this post may not make you feel that much better within yourself at this time of your grief, but slowly you will become stronger.  Listen to your body and if you want to cry, the cry and if you want to sleep, then sleep and if you don't want to go to a special occasion then don't.  I started to go shopping (not always buying something) just to keep myself out in society and be around people so I wouldn't become a hermit.  I was angry sometimes, crying while driving, coming home to an empty house, watching long-time friends abandon me and suddenly I started to make a few new friends.  I still can opt out on going somewhere if I'm not up to it and I don't feel guilty about it and sometimes I go and surprise myself and realize I had a decent time of it although it was never the same as my Ernie being there.  I like to believe our spouses are right beside us giving us the strength to move on and keeping their memory alive and I strive for this and my husband taught me so many good things in life which I would like to pass forward to others. 

You did not just go on and we feel your pain. Lean on us! 

Even to this day I can get so frustrated trying to maintain my small rancher home when it was Ernie who fixed this and that and I feel pulled back to feeling useless, pathetic, losing my dignity and have sat down on the floor and cried my eyes out, but then I force myself up and get moving again.  That old song 'Ain't No Mountain High Enough' comes to mind and I know I receive some strength from a higher power to keep moving forward. 

I hope you go on that link I left Georgia, learn about grief, breath through the troubled times and perhaps consider a meditation exercise.  Some people take Yoga, Tai Chi while others bike, run or walk. 

Just keep posting hon and we'll be here for you to help you in your journey of grief as you aren't alone!

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on June 29, 2014 at 3:24pm

Dear Georgia ...  I am sorry you have to come to this site, but it is one of the most helpful sites you could possibly come to and get support by what I call 'angels' as we are all going through the same thing and understand how each of us feels when those around us in our every day life do not.  You can put your deep thoughts in a post and never be judged.

Your grief is very new to you and some of us are at the beginning of grief, in the middle or further ahead, but it all helps in this grief journey we are taking.  When one member falls the rest come to the rescue. 

My husband passed away April 27, 2011 of pancreatic cancer and I still miss him and he will always be part of me until we meet again in the afterlife and I still talk out loud to him when at home or under a stressful situation.  I have found time is the factor and I look back and wonder how I even made it and it was certainly a great part of the members on this forum.  I still have my cries, feel lonely and deserted by long time friends and only have a small immediate family and no children, but have 2 dogs that keep me going and forcing me to go for walks and get out of the house.

I know the searing pain of realizing your loving partner is not coming back and life won't be like it was before and we have to try and find a future for ourselves all over again and it's a tough journey, but many have succeeded doing it. 

I am leaving you this link and hope it will give some peace and assurance that what you are going through is very normal.  I hope you join a grief group in your area and if not comfortable with that then perhaps a one-on-one with a grief counselor.  You are never alone and we are here to help.  http://www.sharecare.com/health/stress-reduction/article/coping-wit...

Hugs

Marsha

 

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