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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1371
Latest Conversations: Nov 8

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by georgia on June 29, 2014 at 12:33am
Hello to everyone , my name is Georgia , I have been reading this blog for about five months, this is the first time Iam posting.
I want to say how much this site has helped me the last five months. And how I have felled Everyone's pain .
It has been eleven months and fourteen days since my husband left this life for his journey to our next life. I miss him soooooo much,more then life itself.
There has not been a day that I don't think of him and cry. Some days I cry more then others.BUT I need to cry otherwise I feel I will explode of sorrow.
You see from the diagnose to his leaving it was only seven weeks.
Iam sorry Iam just going on and on .God I hurt so much for him.
I just want to talk to him and ask if he is alright,.?
Thank you all for reading.
Georgia.
Comment by janeo on June 28, 2014 at 11:27pm
Karen,
It's okay to cry. I find that letting those tears out helps. Your still probably in that shock stage and I'mso sorry for your lost and pain. Although It's veeynormal for what your feeling. ItIt's been 41/2 years for me. And I still get those days were I just sit and cry and I find it releasing all those feeling healing. Don't fight the grief and grieve at your own pace. Just know all the angels on here will lift you up when your down. Lean on us for bad days, good days.
My prayers going out to you.
Comment by Karen W on June 28, 2014 at 10:23pm
It is 6 months 21 days and 12 hrs since Ed passed away and still I get blindsided by huge waves of grief and emotions. I've been fighting back tears for the past week, and today the floodgates opened! I was supposed to drive to NJ to a grad party for my niece's daughter but cancelled last minute. I just couldn't handle being around so many people and dreaded the drive by myself. So I stayed home alone and cried. I hate feeling pathetic and I hate the drama but I'm unable to stop it. I do okay for a while but then it all comes rushing back. I really do want to move forward but it seems for every step forward there are 2 steps back! I also seem to be beset by fears and panic attacks lately. That's a new wrinkle I sure don't need. I know I need to give myself time and I know I have to keep moving forward but right now, today, it's really really difficult and I'm so very tired.
Comment by janeo on June 28, 2014 at 8:23pm

Carol.

I couldn't of said it better myself. Your words are so true.

Comment by Carol Kayser on June 27, 2014 at 11:27pm

Hello to both Deb and Kristen and Terry, as I am reading your posts my heart just goes out to each of you on the sudden loss of your beloveds.  A death that we know is coming through illness is so extremely difficult but we have at that point already began to grieve our loss, but for yourselves, how do you prepare - the answer being you can't.  One moment they are with you and the next they are not.  It's heartbreaking.  As others say, we recognize we need to continue to live and to find some meaning in our own lives, but there is the period of grieving and lonlieness that sometimes will not leave us or comes to us in waves of uncontrollable grief.  It is good to have a focus and a purpose if we can find it - something to get us up and moving.  It's also incredibly helpful to find someone to talk and share with and this site provides so much of a comfort.

For myself, my husband will have been gone 4 years in August.  He is tucked safely in my heart and we still have a binding love.

Take baby steps and take a little time for yourselves, come back often.

Hugs,

Carol

Comment by Kristen on June 27, 2014 at 7:09pm

Deb, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost Rob 4 months tomorrow (Feb 28) to H1N1 flu. He was 48 yrs old and healthy. The range of emotions that I go through on a daily basis has not gotten easier. I am moving along and dealing the best I can. Basically doing what I need to do, going to work, taking care of issues that have cropped up with the house and trying my best. I try not to think about the future, but just try to think about tomorrow. Being only 46, I can't believe that I am in this "place". So lost without him. Rob and I had so many plans of growing old together. I'm glad you found us here. Everyone here understands.

Comment by Theresa Wimann on June 27, 2014 at 6:15pm
Deb, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in January and I can't believe how rapidly time has passed. I still miss him every day but life is still moving forward. I put more books on the book shelves today. Some of the 17 boxes we had to move during Bruce's last few months for a hospital bed. A neighbor carried them up. I'm keeping some and donating the rest for a booksale. I'll be glad when I'm done. I keep finding markers in among the pages and think life interrupted. God I hate cancer. But, I'm doing okay. I still have rough days. I certainly haven't figured out how to budget on one salary but I will. I have to keep moving forward. Grieve, but don't get lost in it. If we cease to live, then the person we are grieving won't live either. They only live through our stories and memories and in our hearts and souls. Keep love alive.
Comment by Marsha H on June 25, 2014 at 4:09pm

Deb ... I am so sorry about the way your beloved husband passed away and can't even begin to imagine the shock it was for you.  Life just doesn't seem fair and as hard as we try we can't make sense of it most of the time. 

My husband Ernie also quit smoking and I was proud of him, but then about 2 years after that he became sick (he was never sick and this 6' 6" hero of mine was always going to be with me) but, he became very ill before being diagnosed with Celiac Disease (wheat gluten disorder) and we got him through that at his weight went from 156 lbs. to 225 in a matter of 2 months and we thought that was the end of it.  Then his throat became swollen and when he saw the doctor it was deemed as Strep Throat, but thankfully I took a look myself and could see his airways closing off so rushed him to ER.  It seemed to take forever to get a diagnosis, but when they did find a cyst the size of a walnut under his tongue is shocked us.  The surgery wasn't a pleasant one and I felt so badly for him.  Then a reprieve for a few short months and we both felt anything that happened we could beat it together, but we weren't prepared for his having pancreatic cancer and the journey throughout that was hell for him and also myself.  Even though it's difficult to sit by and have no control over the death of your spouse I do know sudden death is much more difficult.  I pray things go better for you and time is a factor of healing through our grief.  I have come to the conclusion that life isn't fair and many things don't make sense. 

Stay strong my friend.

Comment by Marsha H on June 25, 2014 at 4:00pm

Steve ... I agree with you and there is always something that can set us off without warning.

Last night something just dawned on me out of the blue that at the time of the loss of our spouse it's like a bright oil painting where all the memories are there and every emotion heightened and as time goes by that same picture turns to pastel colors of beauty because time is a factor in healing through grief and that pastel painting to me means that the brightness of the oil painting so fresh and so 'there' has now faded a little to the more gentle colors of pastels and for some of us the pastel painting is peaceful reminding us of our spouses without the horrendous pain we once endured and that as some fear we will never forget our beloved spouses.  I just don't know where that thought came from and it may seemed jumbled, but so clear to me.  Yes, something can trigger me off as well and I come home and have a good cry, but then we forge ahead because there is no looking back other than good memories.

Comment by Steve Cain on June 25, 2014 at 8:58am
Time is not a factor on our reactions, I speak from experience. On June 1 one song at church brought it all in. I teared up, as I am now recalling it, but since I was working the services I had to keep some kind of control. When I got home, it was all over. I bawled for a good 10 minutes. As long as you understand this and don't try to shut it down you will do OK.
 

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