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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by Julie. Last reply by DJ Dec 6, 2020. 1 Reply

Grief so great it hurts

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Comment by Carol Kayser on January 7, 2014 at 11:31pm

Dear Cynthia, I was married to a diabetic also.  He really didn't take great care of himself either and plus he smoked like a chimney.  Three days before he died he told us all he was sorry.  He had a very cavalier attititude and he kept his sense of humor for the longest time and we knew we wouldn't have him for a long time and he died at 57, two weeks short of his 58th birthday.

I was off work for 4 months before I went back.  It was really hard and difficult, but you put on the brave face.  I am into my 4th year now, it does get easier, if you will, but being alone on New Year's is really challenging and sad and all those memories come flooding back.

I know we wish we could just retreat but life just doesn't work like that and in hindsight it is better for us to keep occupied and take things one day at a time.

Hugs,

Carol

Comment by Carol Kayser on January 7, 2014 at 11:25pm

Dear Stacy, no offense taken from a Canadian! The Polar freeze is all over the eastern US and Canadian east and prairies and it came straight from the North Pole, a rarity indeed in weather circles.  Sorry though that you have to suffer through that and Barbara too.  The cold is one thing but the wind chills are something else.  You are wise to stay in because it isn't really safe for anyone to be out there with skin easy to freeze and risky walking etc.

It is a hard day for you but I was pleased to see you celebrated your darling's birthday and made the cake - that was lovely to read.

You and little Damien stay warm Stacy!

Hugs,

Carol

Comment by Carol Kayser on January 7, 2014 at 11:18pm

Dear Barbara, I am really sorry for the bad day you had.  I truly empathize with the frozen pipe, you feel so helpless, you really do.  It is absolutely overwhelming.  About a year ago now, I came home from work to a flood - water all over everywhere, the kitchen flooded and the hallway and dining room and all the way downstairs to the basement, all because of a small PVC pipe in the bathroom.  You just kind of stand there looking at it, not knowing what to do.  Needless to say it was a few months before things were back to normal and then I moved, another stressful event.  So for your daughter to be there, wow, that was so great because she took over, you had someone to lean on.  That is huge and it is really okay to have the breakdown, why wouldn't you?  It has been such a short time Chris has been gone, and on top of the Christmas letter, while very sweet to remember Chris, is just another reminder for you of your loss.

So, chin up Barbara, the weather has been so awful for you it's likely there wasn't anything else you could do to prevent the pipe from bursting.

Feel better,

Hugs,

Carol

Comment by Barbara Sullivan on January 7, 2014 at 10:59pm

Janice, Cynthia and Stacy -- so good to see you posting on here.  I think its a great outlet for our feelings and we can say things on Legacy that we really don't want to share with others in our lives because they just wouldn't understand.  Also, it seems that some of us are sort of cocooned in our sorrow and aren't ready to get out and see too many people,yet.  Having this outlet gives us a chance to try out our social skills in a comfortable forum.

The greatest help to me has been learning that the feelings I am having aren't "wrong", "bad", "weird" or even "unusual".  

I had two breakdowns today.  

The first was when I received the Christmas letter from Chris' son and daughter-in-law.  They are a wonderful couple and I love them dearly.  They mentioned Dad's passing, in their Christmas letter that they send to all their friends  They always send their computer-generated new year calendar along with the letter -- and they include pictures of all their travels, etc.  For the month of April (the month he passed away) they included pictures of Dad, instead of the usual.

Then, this evening, we had a burst water pipe -- from the sub-zero temps.  At first, I thought I was going to be alright -- even when the plumber said he couldn't get here until tomorrow -- but, I guess I just let myself become overwhelmed.  Broke down and cried for my Chris

I tried to do every thing right to prevent frozen pipes.  Left taps running, opened cabinets, even raised the thermostat a couple degrees.  And Chris was always so careful to insulate our pipes and water-heater --- 

Water flooded the TV room and hallway to the garage -- thank God for my daughter -- she ran downstairs to turn off the water while I called the plumber -- then, helped me move out all the furniture and started cleaning up with the shop-vac, towels and fans. . . while I sat in the kitchen and bawled!!!

So tired of feeling helpless!  So tired.

Comment by stacey on January 7, 2014 at 9:49pm

well today would've been my husband 31st birthday, and also marks 15 months. My best friend came over to get a pair of shoes for her so because we swap a lot of the kids clothes. I made dinner the kids got to play and I made a cake and we sang happy birthday to him and let Damian blow out the candles. Its been so cold so no offense but who ever lives in Canada can keep there cold weather :) holy cow I haven't left the house in 3 days I've never seen it so cold. That never happens unless I'm sick  lol.  We lost power last night for 4 1/2 hours last night it go pretty cold in the house and I was praying it would just come back on so we didn't have to deal with frozen pipes and water everywhere. Glad it came back on as quick as it did and Damian slept right through it. My mom thought I was crazy when I told her I was getting an extra quilt out for Damian she said you won't  need it and I'm glad I did because he needed it last night when the house got down to 60 degrees F. and It was about -18 outside with a wind chill of -42. for us that super cold I know it was colder north of us in Wisconsin.   ok I think I'm done rambling sorry if it doesn't make much sense but I needed to get it out my head. hope others had a good day.

Comment by Cynthia Murphy on January 7, 2014 at 9:48pm

I have not been on here lately as I have had some terrible days. It has been so cold here in the south and my house just doesn't want to warm up. In fact I have a hard time getting warm period. Seems like everything and nothing sets me off on a crying binge. I had to go back to work this past Monday and then we were off today because of the cold. I don't know which was worse. I could tell people were being extra cautious with me but today I have sat in this house except for a quick trip out. A friend brought me some clothes since I am losing weight. She didn't say much but gave me several hugs. I am so tired of feeling these extremes and losing it in public. I am tried of laughing one minute and then feeling guilty for it. I want my life back but know that is not possible. The talk of a new normal angers me since my life was teacher in the morning/afternoon and nurse/wife in the evening. Nothing normal about having to spend time in doctors offices, hooking up IV 's, changing out the insulin pump, checking sugar levels, giving meds and the list goes on. I would do it all again but people assume it was just part of life. My husband wouldn't do his part to take care of himself and that always bothered me. It wasn't until the last two years that he apologized for getting so sick. He was only 56. His mom died at 51 and his dad at 59. I had hoped and prayed for him but it was not to be. I am grateful that he is not in pain anymore. I have just spent my first Thanksgiving, birthday, Christmas,and New Years on my without him. The worst was New Years eve and the loneliness. I thought I was ready for a new year but then I realized that I was losing our last year as one. I find myself stuck with that thought. I have to go to work in the morning and put on a face that can deal with kids and coworkers. I really do dread it, but I have to work.

Comment by janice foyt on January 7, 2014 at 4:45pm
Marsha, Thanks again. You are awesome! I have emailed Victor Zammit a couple of times and he answered telling me that Terry may have not been long enough to figure out yet how to contact me. He encourages me to keep trying and I am. Yes, he was very ill for two years and he may need to energize first. I will keep talking to him.
I am on celexa 40 mg each day. It does help some. It makes me somewhat calm compared to what I was. I don't need to gain weight though........although my clothes are really baggy on me now. I do not really have any friends. I have not gotten out of the house much in two years of taking care of Terry 24/7. I quit my job to stay home with him. Doctors recommended I put him into a nursing facility, but I chose not to do that. We moved 7 months ago from our long time home in Ft Worth to East Texas to live close to my son and his wife. They wanted to help me care for Terry since we were all alone in Ft Worth. I was happy that way, just spending all my time with him ....I did not want or need friends. Terry was 56 and I am 60. I was not ready for him to go as I know that no one on here was ready for their loved one to go. I know how you feel missing your Ernie so much. I will continue to post...today has been much better for me. Thank you for saying you are proud of me! You made my day!
Hugs Janice
Comment by Marsha H on January 7, 2014 at 3:38pm

Janice ...  I am so proud of you for posting and know just how difficult it can be.  The more you post on here the more peace and encouragement you will receive through your rough spots.  I couldn't have survived this long without the wonderful friends on here.  Never fear about posting what is going through your mind and no one judges on this forum.  You'd be surprised at what you learn.

Because you are grieving so intensely you may miss signs, or, perhaps your Terry isn't ready to visit you yet.  I have studied a lot about life after death (scientists are really studied this and many doctors are beginning to believe a lot more things about death than they thought possible.  It's unchartered territory.)  I feel this way, 'How could God help us find the right person to be in our life and just end it by death.'  I feel our spouses are around.  I have also heard after a lengthily illness that our spouses have to regain their energy level and then they come to visit to be sure all is well.  We all have the capacity to venture into the unknown of life after death and what we believe is up to us.  I don't feel it's wishful thinking on my part at all.

If you aren't start talking to Terry at home when alone or, in the car as if he was still here physically.  It does help and makes them feel closer.  You just never know if they are there listening.

Do you mind me asking what antidepressant you are on?  Do you feel they help to lift your spirits somewhat?  I am considering going on them only because now I'm in a different phase of my grieving; reality has set in and I would love to meet a nice gentleman even if we were to become just friends, but at my age (71) it's difficult.  I feel abandoned by most friends and have had a handful of loyal friends stand by me, but they all have spouses and I don't have single girlfriends to do things with.  It's tough!  I am full of energy and want to live some life before my time comes.  I have also lost a lot of weight through grieving and my doctor felt if I was on an antidepressant I may gain some weight.  Who knows.  I am cautious of taking medications (almost a phobia) as I've had a bad experience on an antidepressant before.) 

The tears will come off and on.  There is such a thing as 'crying yourself out' at the beginning and that's the bodies way of releasing stress.  I can still get teary-eyed or cry missing Ernie to this day, but find I'm much stronger than I use to be and as much as we dislike this term 'time is the healer' it is true.  We get use to a new routine in our lives. 

Your  posts are excellent Janice and we learn from each other.  I hope you continue to post (whatever bothers you or whatever pops into your head at the time) as that is how we help each other on here. 

Again, so proud of you for taking the big step and posting and that shows you are healing even if you feel it's a slow process. 

Hugs to you hon (wish I could hug you in person)

Marsha

Comment by janice foyt on January 7, 2014 at 3:18pm
Marsha, Barbara & Jane,
Wow what an experience and wonderful visit. I am hoping one day or night my Terry will do the same. So far no luck. I still talk to him each day and night in the hopes he will be around me. Some people may think us crazy, but I do believe it will happen. I really need him close to me again even for just a minute. Some days now I feel a little better (not much). I am on antidepressants and I am not crying every minute of the day like I was. Or maybe I am just left with no more tears. Really helps me reading all of ya'll posts each day. Knowing I am not in this struggle alone helps more than you will ever know. It is still hard for me to write the words on paper but I think I am getting there a little bit at a time. One difference is me writing on legacy today.......big step for me.
Hugs to all
Janice
Comment by Marsha H on January 7, 2014 at 3:01pm

Helen ...  Got your email this morning, but I don't reply because you're not getting my emails.  Hope you can get onto Legacy as this is the only place I can confirm anything you send me through email.  Hope that fellow shows up soon and you get your computer fixed.

Love & Hugs

Marsha

 

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