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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

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Comment by Carol Kayser on December 21, 2013 at 1:56pm

Dear Mac, sending caring thoughts your way and knowing it is very hard during this time of year.  Blessings for a peaceful and warm Christmas.

 

Hugs,

Carol

Comment by Carol Kayser on December 21, 2013 at 1:52pm

Dear Wilela, about the Mens' Department - have experienced that exact same thing.  It first hit me after my father died.  He loved Sears and he did most of his clothes shopping there.  Plus he would always do most of his Christmas shopping there too and would say on the phone that he had been to Sears and all the shopping was done.  I would laugh and tell him I was nowhere near finished.

So after he passed away, the first year, I went during lunchtime at work to Sears.  Well between the music and the mens's dept that was it.  I fled in tears!

So when I shop for my son-in-law and my daughter's boyfriend, I still I look at the clothes and I think wow, Jack would have looked really handsome in that sweater or that shirt.

As for Tim Horton's Wilela, same here.  Jack loved his Timmies, every day, and so that was on our list as we were out. 

We are here to support each other through the season, so let's make sure we do by checking back with each other:)

 

Hugs,

Carol

 

Comment by Carol Kayser on December 21, 2013 at 1:37pm

Dear Barbara, you should be very proud, look at the strength you are showing.  To be able to resolve a family situation and come up with a solution, that's a big deal and shows you can still be there for others who need you.  To me that means you are coming to a place of acceptance, because you are able to keep your beloved in your heart, grieve for him, but also to be able to be supportive to others. 

You are doing so well and Chris would be so proud of you Barbara.  I am glad you are finding you can cope during the holiday season. 

I think we are all experiencing the triggers of the holidays, and when I read the other posts too, we are all in this together that's for sure!

I am sure our loved ones know how much we have always appreciated them and love them and still do in every way.  When I read the posts I think we are pretty lucky to have had such wonderful, special and precious loved ones in our lives.

Hugs,

Carol

Comment by Carol Kayser on December 21, 2013 at 1:15pm

Dear Marsha, thank you for your words, and they made me smile too.  Talking about your dogs brings to mind when Jack and I would take our golden retriever out to the front of our complex and there we would have fun just watching cars slip and slide up and down the big hill!  Then Bailey would dance around in the snow enjoying herself and we would get into our Jeep, which Jack said would go anywhere in the snow and it did, LOL and we'd head to Timmies for coffee and a donut, dog and all.  It always goes back to the simple pleasures doesn't it?

I am very comforted by your saying Jack is guiding me and watching over me.  I feel that and know we have our guardian angels surrounding us.  It takes me back to thinking about Jack holding and wrapping his arms around me, the safety of those arms.  So you are right you know, let's close our eyes, if only for those briefest of moments and feel and sense the closeness:)

Today I am behaving child like...Abby is here and we have been bouncing, jumping and doing child like aerobic workouts! Of course it helps that she is wearing her reindeer jingle bell headress too:)

 

Hugs,

Carol

Comment by Mac on December 21, 2013 at 11:48am

In reading your posts about your husbands dropping you off and picking you up my babe did the same thing. The years get harder for me he died in 2009 and it just gets harder all the time. Especially the holiday and Christmas was his favorite time of the year and now its the saddes time for me. I will be so glad to just get it over with . Glad thou to hear most of you are getting on with your life and making some kind of sense out of it and little ones help ease the pain alittle. Marsha Kudos to you, you seem to hold us together. So glad some of you have met new persons and have someone to share with. Everyone had a good and safe Christmas and New Year.

Hugs

Mac

Comment by Barbara Sullivan on December 21, 2013 at 8:22am

Oh Carol, your memories of Jack driving you to work brought back mine of Chris doing the same.  For years, as a single Mom in Chicago, I walked the 4 long blocks to the train to go to work every morning and again, to go home at night -- year after year, in all weather -- then, I met Chris.  After we were married, he would get up every morning and drive me to work  -- not just to the train -- but all the way into the Loop in Chicago to my office -- door to door service, and then pick me up again at night, sometimes driving around the block several times, waiting for me to come out of the building.  He was his own boss and didn't have set hours, so he could do that -- and he insisted on it.  God was so kind to give me such a wonderful partner after so many years of loneliness and hardship.  He was truly my Prince Charming, the love of my life -- and I can only hope, now, that, over the years, I was somehow able to show him how I loved and appreciated him.

I know some of us are not into the spiritual thing -- but I truly believe God is walking with me through this holiday season, because, as bad as it is, it isn't as bad as it could be.

Yesterday, my sister (you may remember, suffering with incurable stage 4 cancer) had an emotional breakdown. She called me with a big family crisis brewing and, somehow, I was able to calm everyone, find a peaceful place inside to go to for strength, and provide at least a temporary solution that seems to have helped.  I know God was with me -- and with my sister.

Emotions run so high at Christmas, for some people, and I have been aware, as never before, how important it is to recognize and respect those feelings without giving in to them.  I guess my grief has given me a new perspective.  I mourn and miss my darling every day -- and feel the pain of loss as acutely as the first day -- but, it has become something that is part of who I am, now, and I seem to be able to go on. . . is this the beginning of the acceptance that the grief counselors talk about???  I don't know.  And, I am sure that it is only for today -- and not forever -- but I thank God for getting me through this time, for now.  Because I was so sure I could not get through this holiday season at all --

I still long to be with my Chris -- still look forward to the day when I go to him -- still cry for the emptiness of my life without him -- but, also feel that somehow I am integrating this loss into who I am as a person -- does that make any sense, at all?

As always, I am so grateful for the sharing that we all do on this Legacy site.   

Comment by Marsha H on December 21, 2013 at 3:37am

Dear Chicago Beard ...  So true that sometimes we think we have our grief under control and suddenly something can reduce us to tears.  What we sometimes tend to forget is as humans we go by sound, sight, smell, taste and touch.  I think it's our subconscious that is awakening such as you suddenly seeing a chain restaurant spot and crying.  If it wasn't a particularly favorite place the both of you went to it was the fact you recognized it and remembered your Rose and you had been there.  I have had several of the same experiences.  My husband also had Celiac Disease and once in a super market I started to cry and couldn't figure out why and then I realized out of my peripheral vision I had seen the frozen bread (wheat-gluten free) and that made me realize I wouldn't be buying that bread any longer for him. Strange how the grief can catch us off guard when we feel we've found a foot hold towards our future. 

I hope you and your lady friend have a wonderful Christmas and I wish you peace and joy in the New Year.

Big hugs

Marsha

Comment by Chicago Beard on December 21, 2013 at 12:27am

Weird what triggers me sometimes. I had just had dinner with friends at a restaurant we all used to go to and I was fine. Then driving home I passed a chain restaurant spot we used to go to and I was crying. Can not tell you what made that one so special and why I missed her so much at that moment.

Comment by Marsha H on December 20, 2013 at 9:51pm

Dear Carol ..  I know exactly how you feel missing Jack.  Ernie would do so many wonderful things for me,.  He would laugh at me pressing my nose against the front living room window waiting for that beautiful fresh fall of snow and I was like a kid, but now, I dread it as I feel isolated like you do and the snow shining at night like a million stars doesn't hold the fascination it did once for me when Ernie was here.  We are not isolated at all and I've taken the dogs for a walk in the snow (other people are out walking and enjoying it.  If only for a few seconds we can walk and close our eyes just for a second and visualize our spouses walking next to us.  That being said I guess it won't work for me because I can't walk and chew gum at the same time!  LOL

Jack is near you keeping you safe even if he no longer can drive you to and from work ....  he's there surrounding you with love and watching out for you.  To me this Christmas Eve I will have the traditional private Christmas Eve that I always had with Ernie and I know he'll be there in spirit smiling down at myself and the dogs. 

I'm always around so if you want to talk or just reminisce just email me.

Love & Hugs

Marsha 

Comment by Carol Kayser on December 20, 2013 at 8:25pm

I just got in from work - snowed all day and kept snowing.  Driving home I just started crying.  The vision of my darling Jack appeared as he was driving toward me as I was walking in the snow - rescuing me, as per usual.  Always could count on him to keep me warm, keep my vehicle warm and toasty and bring me coffee from our local Tim Horton's coffee shop (kind of like Dunkin Donuts).  While he was on disability from work years ago he would get up early and drive me to work through the snow and ice and then come back at the end of the day and pick me up.  Gestures of love that I now find overwhelmingly beautiful and thoughtful and precious.  I miss him so terribly - this is what the snow does to me, makes me miserable even though it is so pretty.  The snow can be a lonely thing you know- looking out of the window one gets a sense of isolation, feeling that now. 

Funny but my daughter texted me a bit ago and asked for her grandma's phone number in California.  I said to her I am missing dad and she said her too.  It's her birthday tomorrow too and her dad would always do something goofy for her.  She is reconnecting with some of her relatives, I think it brings her closer to her dad for sure.

Well I hope everyone is ok, Mac, Diane C, Marsha, Barbara, Helen, and others, oh and Chicago Beard and Jerry too:)

 

Hugs,

Carol

 

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