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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1372
Latest Conversations: Sep 15

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Barbara Sullivan on October 27, 2013 at 12:22am

Thank you, Marsha -- i will share the info with my family and with my sister -- there is a lot to think about.  So kind of you to go to the trouble to find all this info for us.  Many, many thanks.

Barbara

Comment by Marsha H on October 26, 2013 at 9:44pm

Diane C ...  Honestly, these things are happening to me.  I can still taste that blasted Sachet!  LOL  Today, on a more serious note my girlfriend and I went shopping and because we were running late we decided to go onto the bypass (very busy and everyone drives over the speed limit) and she was driving just fine until we got to where we were turning left.  The lights weren't synchronized correctly and the car ahead of her to turn left had a green light and she was right behind him in the intersection.  Now our laws are, if you are on in the middle of an intersection on a green light and it turns amber or even red you have the right-of-way and too bad the two cars involved coming towards us didn't agree.  One guy in his truck must have been going 90, slammed on his breaks and slid sideways and almost onto the meridian and the other guy coming straight through jammed on his brakes and ended up inches from us.  Of course it was if time stopped for us and we froze waiting for the almighty crash which thankfully never came, but it certainly shook us up.  My girlfriend automatically blamed herself until I told her she did nothing wrong and they were the ones that should have stopped.  Now I am thinking that either my sweetheart or angels are watching out for us as it could have been a terrible accident which is very frequent on the bypass. My eyeballs are still hanging on my chest and my hair feels it's still standing on end.  So, I believe someone is watching out for all of us.  Our sweethearts, angels, guardian angel or God. 

Big hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on October 26, 2013 at 9:33pm

Robin ...  Yes, at times I can get very angry at my husband for 'leaving me.'  He sprayed large yachts for a living and I use to beg him in the earlier years to find another profession because of all the toxins even though he was extremely safety conscious.  So many of the men there have some sort of cancer now.  He loved his work and I had to accept that.  However, it really isn't their fault for passing away, but the intense grief can make us blame God and our spouses.  We're searching for 'why him' and 'why am I going through this' and of course there is no answer.  As much as many don't like the phrase 'grief takes time' it does!  We all march behind the drummer at a different pace re grief. 

You will go through all sorts of emotions.  I am going to look up a good site for you to go to so you can see what you may expect (not all people have all the symptoms.) 

Don't feel bad about being angry at your husband passing away as it can be normal for some.  Just cry it out and talk to someone who will listen and just hug you.  Our spouses didn't want to leave us, but had no choice.  Our time will come and we won't have a choice either.  Why?  No one knows until they take the ultimate journey after death.

Hang in there hon and keep coming back to this forum because we'll do everything in our power to help your grief be a little lighter on your shoulders.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Frank Andrews on October 26, 2013 at 7:14pm

Barb,

  I agree that you spoke for all of us about our feelings. I often wish that I would just go peacefully in my sleep but certainly cannot say any such thing in front of family members. We all lost parents or other family members and know that with time there is an easing of the grief. My sons and grandchildren will grieve over my passing BUT THEY WILL GET OVER THE GRIEF and get on with their lives as we did with our relatives. Losing a spouse is just so completely different and just simply can't be understood by others who have not lost a spouse.

  I have strayed away from religion and prayers but will say a special prayer for your sister hoping that a miracle happens  and that peace will somehow come into your lives. 

  My anger has never been directed toward my wife for passing but will always be toward the arrogant doctors who caused her  death. We cannot rationalize any anger towards our spouses because they certainly did not want to leave us.

  I am certain that all the angels on this forum have your sister and your family in their thoughts and prayers.  Hugs.

Comment by Diane C on October 26, 2013 at 6:28pm

Hi Robin,

I am so sorry to hear that you are having a tough time right now, going through the anger stage. I along with Wilela have not gone through this stage. I am sure it is yet to come, but so far I have not had this. I have been very angry at God for taking him from me, but I have not been angry at Rich for leaving me here. As you said, you will get through this, but it is so damn hard. I hope you are able to get through this phase quickly. It is so hard when you do not have anyone in your close circle of friends and family to understand what you are going through. Just remember, we are always here for you.

Hugs to you!!

Comment by Diane C on October 26, 2013 at 9:34am

Barbara,

All I can say is WONDERFULLY SAID!! Thank you.....

Hugs to you!!

Comment by Barbara Sullivan on October 26, 2013 at 9:03am

Something I have noticed is that those of us who have lost a life partner no longer fear our own demise -- instead, at least for me and some others here on Legacy -- we look forward to a reunion with our loved one.  My family doesn't understand that this is not a "death wish".  I know I will go on -- somehow -- and I have no intention of speeding that day or ignoring my health.  It just means that I have seen death, felt it close to me, left a part of my heart in the grave, and no longer fear it for myself.

Helen, dear, I know exactly the feeling you describe -- at age 66, having had an amazing marriage with my best friend and having lost him, I too feel that there is no place left in the world for me and that I am worth nothing.  I watch as others in my family go on with their lives and I cannot find my place, there, any longer.  I am a mother, a grandmother, a sister, an aunt -- and I love my family, deeply, but I see myself as a hanger-on, someone without a partner and without a future.  I am not old, but I feel old, used up and without purpose.

As my sister faces her own last months of life -- I say, " Why her, why not me?  I am ready.  I am worthless, here, and she has a young son to raise.  Why not me?"

On the one occasion when I said these words, out loud, (I say a lot of things here on Legacy that I would never say out loud) my oldest daughter became very upset with me.  She said, "Mom, how can you say that?  Don't you know how much you mean to us?"  And I understood that I was upsetting her . . . and stopped talking about it.

She just doesn't understand the total emotional burden of carrying on, without him, though I know she is sympathetic and cares.

Yes, Helen, I sew and knit -- and cook and clean -- and try to make it mean something.  I try to make SOMETHING, ANYTHING, important enough to make me go on.  I need more in my life than this constant grieving, but I have no mental or emotional reserves to invest.  I think there MUST be a purpose for my existence, but I can't find it . . . can't find anything that matters, as Chris mattered, in my life.  

I keep hoping that it won't always be this way -- I have always thought of myself as a "get-up-and-get-on-with-it" kind of person.  I did that years ago, after my divorce.  I had to, for my children.  But, now, I just can't.  There's just me -- and this purpose-less existence.

My pastor has offered me one-on-one counseling, Hospice has also offered and there is a group at a local church.  But, I just don't want to hear the platitudes -- I know them all by heart.  It doesn't help.

I have rambled here, this morning, and maybe I am a little better for having some place to ramble.  I am deeply grateful to those who post here and help me know that I am not totally off the wall.

Comment by Diane C on October 26, 2013 at 7:56am

Hi Helen,

I have to totally agree with you that the loving grows deeper and stronger with each day. I am no longer afraid of death, as I know some day I will be reunited with the love of my life. I am in my 50's so I suppose I am not going anywhere soon. But I am ready and willing to go when my name is called. I always think of you and hope that with each day your grief becomes a little less severe.

Comment by Diane C on October 26, 2013 at 7:46am

Hi Jan,

Nice to see you posting again. I remember in my 7th month, I was still crying a lot. At this time your grief is still so fresh. But I think Marsha is right that his mom is still grieving and it hurts her to see you in such pain. I was and still am very fortunate that I don't have anyone telling me to get over it. I only have one friend that is widowed. The others are all still married and have never experienced such a devastating loss in their lives. My mom is also widowed but it has been 20 years for her, but she still remembers the pain and hurt. I hope that the grief eases a little for you with time.

Comment by Diane C on October 26, 2013 at 7:37am

OMG Marsha,

Licking sachet???? What the heck will your next move be? I thank you for the great laugh, I had at your expense. I laughed so hard I was crying. And they were happy tears for once. I'll bet you can still taste it.

 

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