Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Started by Julie. Last reply by DJ Dec 6, 2020. 1 Reply

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31, 2020. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

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Comment by janice foyt on January 9, 2014 at 5:04pm

Barbara, Thanks for the kind words about my fall.  I think I was more embarrassed than anything, not sure why, I do not think anyone saw me.

Marsha,  Hope you got out today with the dogs.  Bad weather can make things much worse.  It is gloomy around here as well.  Rained alot last night and today has been rainy and cold.  I would really  be crazy without my dogs.  Tell me what you did today and if you are feeling any better.  I know there will be no end to the grief and I also know I have to learn to be by myself and not depend on anyone to be around.  Everyone I know have their own life and are busy all the time.  I will write again soon.

Hugs Janice

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on January 9, 2014 at 4:39pm

Carol and Mac   Like you I m on my fourth year and it dpesn't get any better and the pain remains the same. Most of my friend accept that I am not going to get any better and that my love for Morley is (if anything) stronger than ever.   I just force my self up (some days, some I just stay in bed) and put one foot in front of the other until bedtime and merciful oblivion for a few hours.    I dread each day as there just is now place in it for me now.   One thing I have decided is that I must cut the strings to my family and try and forget them.   They have not been in contact apart from cards on  birthdays and at Christmas.   I know some of you don't believe   in them but I have a trusted pychic and for the first time she told me to cut the tied with my family because they haven been making my grieving for  Morley worse.   I hope this advice came from him as he has always said to send cards but apparently this time but above being disgusted with their complete lack of contact over Christmas and New Year and told me to cut the ties as the  pain it was all causing me, he could not stand to see me  suffer the pain I was in by the neglect and it was time after nearly 4 years to let them go.   I must admit to a feeling of relief that I don't have to go through the will won't I at every birthday.   It is a weight of my mind that Morley has told me to do it as I have completely lost confidence in my own ability to take any kind of decision.

I wish everyone on legacy a peaceful 2014.   Can't wish you a happy one as I know it cannot be without the person  you loved best having gone.


Comment by Carol Kayser on January 9, 2014 at 3:47pm

Hello Mac. So nice to see you post. I am into my fourth year of losing my darling Jack and today on a call to the doctor's office I started to cry. It still hurts so very much and now I have a dear friend whose husband is dying of the same cancer mine did, and he just had his 60th birthday. Two 1/2 years ago we went on a trip to Hawaii, and I recall we were sitting having dinner and I started to cry and she said "it still hurts I guess". Little did we know yes, it still continues to hurt and she will experience the same loss as well. I am hoping to help her through it.
It is a hard lesson to learn but learn we do that others are not really around us very much any more. I have one daughter who is wonderful and amazing and the older is too busy and cosmopolitan to really pay attention to me, so I am joining your pity party and that's ok! We struggle on, looking for new things in our lives and doing the best we can, so Mac, continue to hang in there, and you are always thought about and so nice you come and chat here:)


Comment by Marsha H on January 9, 2014 at 3:10pm

Janice ...  So sorry about your fall.  Seems many on here are accident prone these days, Barbara with a bump on her head, you falling down icy stairs and I was putting my silk orchid hanging basket up on a hook in the front room last night when it came tumbling down and what a mess.  I sat there and cried just out of sheer exasperation as Ernie use to do all those things for me.  If I waited for anyone to help me I'd get nothing done so I have to give it the old college try.

I am so glad you didn't break anything, but sorry you have to contend with a bruise.  I can bruise myself easily especially around my wrists (blood under the skin) and I never use to be like that.  Looks like I've been beaten up.  LOL  You can get 'de-icer' from a hardware store or some grocery stores carry it.  I get these little blue pellets that melt the ice quickly and keep melting it (it heats up and melts and stays melted.)  My next door neighbor Kathy did exactly the same thing you did ... fell down her side stairs and she was in shock more than hurt. Thankfully she didn't break anything either, but bruised her ego as she bounced down on her butt, but at least she had her boyfriend there for comfort.

I'm so happy you find it easier to post Janice and now you know what a wonderful group we all are on here and sometimes our antics can make us laugh or sometimes make us cry.  It's mixed emotions when grieving, but makes it easier to talk about.  I enjoy reading your posts.



Comment by Marsha H on January 9, 2014 at 3:03pm

Barbara ...  Ernie and I had a little blond Cairn named Daisy and then we got Tootsie (part Bishon/Poodle) and Daisy had cancer and we had to put her down.  Just like Chris, Ernie couldn't stand the though (neither could I) but we both went in to say our goodbyes and went through the whole process with her and she knew we were there and it was a very quick process (too bad humans couldn't have that choice.)  I was paying the bill and bawling my eyes out and I walked out into the parking lot and Ernie was sitting on the curb cuddling Tootsie (she was just a pup) and it broke my heart just as it did you when you saw Chris.  I was like you with my 2 little dogs Tootsie and Booker.  Tootsie was Ernie's dog and she's still grieving.  It took me a long time to bond with her because she simply didn't understand 'where poppy went.'  It broke my heart.  Ernie and I got Booker T because Ernie wanted a male in a house of females.  LOL  It was Booker to clung onto me and now feels he has a big job on his little shoulders to protect me and he does it well, yet he cuddles me when I'm sad.  I was also not in the mood to  play with my pets and said the same thing you did even though they were groomed, fed well and went on walks, but, one day I just realized that pets grieve as well so for several months I have been taking time out to play with them.  It's difficult to grieve, feel down and cry and then out of the blue play with our pets, but found walking the dogs really helped.  You meet some nice people who are walking their dogs. 

You weren't neglecting your pets Barbara, you were grieving and I believe that those of us with pets went through just what you did ... making sure they got fed, clean water and outside in the yard because that's all we could manage at the time.  If it weren't for my girlfriend going on doggie walks with me most of the time it may have taken longer for me to get there.  Today is pouring rain as I said, but think I'll grin and bare it, put on their coats and just g for it as they are house-bound because of the weather and so am I.



Comment by Marsha H on January 9, 2014 at 2:50pm

Mac ..  It's wonderful to see you post.  How come when you are on my mind up pops a post from you!  Weird!  LOL 

I know how you feel.  I have had to face the fact everyone has a busy life and I too am alone with my dogs and with the rainy weather it even limits me from going on doggie walks, but today rain or not I'm going for one.  Of course my girlfriend doesn't want to go because of the rain ... rain never shrank anyone.  LOL

I know what it feels like to want to have someone over to visit with or go out and visit, yet part of us wants to be alone and I've learned thus far that there is no pleasing a griever.  I don't know which end is up.  I'm trying to figure out where I fit in this life and so far haven't been able to figure it out.  I joined that women's group, but it just isn't in the cards for me right now.  I don't have the energy and my mind goes completely blank at times and the once extroverted me always laughing with a good wit seems to have disappeared since Ernie passed away.  I ponder on what my  future will be and then try not to think of it as I can't see anything in  my future thus far.  Lots of things to do around the house, but I just can't seem to get into it like when Ernie was here.  Here's to better days my friend.

Big hugs


Comment by Marsha H on January 9, 2014 at 2:44pm

Barbara ...  The bills sure do come rolling in and everything is going up, but our benefits.  I'm not completely sure Barbara, but, if you had insurance on your mortgage shouldn't that have been paid off by the bank such as my car was?  They wiped out the debt.  Just a thought.  I wish my small rancher had extra space where I could rent out, but nothing can be done.  I would enjoy someone living in a suite and bringing in some money for myself, but also just having someone else in the house.  I've wracked my brain (what is left of it) but no solution so here's hoping I win the grand lottery!  LOL  Like when hell freezes over. 

Pouring rain here and driving me crazy so I'm going to grin and bare it and get out of here today before I go off my rocker.  No sign of the rain letting up and it's depressing people.  Lower mainland British Columbia is green for a reason ... lots of rain!  LOL



Comment by Marsha H on January 9, 2014 at 2:37pm

Janice ...  so happy you have the dogs.  Tootsie was my husband's dog and to this day when going for a doggie walk if she sees a tall man ahead she stands still and studies him thinking it could be my husband.  It breaks my heart.  They are loyal to us and take us for what we are.  I try hard to play with my dogs and love them up because I know they are sensitive to grief as well.  They don't like seeing us sad.  Booker T my Cockapoo will pick up a toy and run through the house like a bullet and act silly and of course it makes me laugh.  They are more intelligent than many people give them credit for.

Sorry to say I am feeling depressed.  All we've had is dark days and rain, rain and no let-up in sight.  I feel claustrophobic being in the house so going to try and get out today even if it's just snooping in shops.  If the rain lets up a little may even get the dogs out for a walk because they too are antsy and down in the dumps.  I've always disliked January as it's one miserable month and I suppose it's because so much went on over the Christmas Holidays and now nothing is happening.

I hope you are having a good day yourself Janice and so happy to see you post.



Comment by Barbara Sullivan on January 9, 2014 at 11:48am

Oh Janice!  So sorry about your fall down the stairs -- I'm sure it was worse than my little bruise on my forehead.  It all seems so much worse without our husbands around, doesn't it?  Chris would have made a fuss and I would have told him, "It's nothing!"

Finances?  I am over 65 so I get my own Social Security -- and God bless Canada -- because they have a widow's pension and death benefits much better than the US -- and I qualified for both, thanks to Chris having worked there for so many years before he came to the States.  I have a very small pension from my years of work, too, and my daughter lives with me, works and pays room and board.  Chris and I didn't save much and I am trying to hold on to that for emergencies -- but my car is relatively new and paid for and my house only has a small mortgage (much less than any rent I could pay, if I decided to sell).  But, I am just appalled at day-to-day living expense.  Believe me, I taught life skills and budgeting classes for years -- I know all the rules about saving and staying out of debt -- but, now that I am retired and have no real earning power, it seems that the price of everything has gone sky-high -- gas for the car; food; utilities; health, life, car and home insurance; repairs; etc.  It seems every time I turn around I am dishing out cash!!!!  

Marsha did give some good tips, though!  And, I do recall that Chris and I always had to have a little financial recovery period after Christmas -- so maybe I am over-reacting.  Anyway, I appreciate any saving ideas anyone might have.

Janice, so glad you are feeling more confident about posting on Legacy, now.  I hope to see you posting often.

Mac -- sorry I took up so much space, writing about my dogs -- but glad you enjoy reading about them.  Hang in there, friend -- we're all on some kind of "pity party" and its OKAY!



Comment by janice foyt on January 9, 2014 at 11:38am


I know how you feel.  It is hard to reach out.  I too just had time for Terry.  That's the way I wanted it and now I have had to realize that other people have their own lives too and do not have time for me.  I have mixed emotions about that too because I really want to be alone most of the time.  See how my thinking can be?  Does not make sense.  I also know how you feel about posting.  I only started posting a couple of days ago and I find it really helps.  I did not know what to say either and I have been grieving so much, do not know how to cope.  Just want you to know you are not alone. Hugs Janice


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