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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by cheryl holbrook on December 22, 2013 at 10:16am

hello all, just wanted to say thank you for the posts, encouragement and all the sharing.  I wish for us all the best we ca do through this season. Sad to say but I will be so glad when this is over. I too has the same as some of you, alot of Firsts' to go through. Made it thorugh our anniversary now Christmas and bday.

I try so very hard to try and continue on this long road ahead but seems like the harder I try the worse it gets. I miss my love so much and do know you all understand that feeling. I just cant get Mike out of my head, EVERYTHING reminds me of him, be it a smell, a saying, a sign, food, a picture, a sticker lol, everywhere I go or look he is all around in my memories of him. I have a peace of Mike's first Christmas with Jesus, its what he so looked forward to, I know he is in no more pain and for that I am truly grateful.

I can even now smile through the tears when I think of him, but I cant focus all my heart and thought on him to long or I get panic attacks of him not ever coming home.

Carol, Marsha, Mac, Helen, Barbara, and so many others here I just want to wish each of you a safe,warm and whatever happiness we are able to have Holiday season, God Bless. ((Hugs to all))

Frank and Charlie - Hang in there hope you are both doing ok or best you can, thinking of you.

One day at a time ... Cheryl

Comment by Carol Kayser on December 22, 2013 at 1:09am
Barbara, yes as Patricia says continue the tradition, the grandchildren have such fun and it will bring them happy memories of their grandpa.
I bought some crackers recently to take to my American family next week. I can't wait to see them try to figure it out:)
We have those pictures too. My dad loved his Christmas crackers.
Comment by Patricia on December 21, 2013 at 11:45pm
If it was a request by the little ones then it's very important to their process. It is
such a fun gentle custom they'll probably take it forward into their adult traditions. It will have a depth of meaning and history for them.
Comment by Barbara Sullivan on December 21, 2013 at 5:19pm

Today I went out to finish my Christmas shopping  -- something I loved to do with Chris -- and stopped in the one shop in town that sells Christmas crackers.  Chris had introduced our grandchildren to the English custom of pulling Christmas crackers several years ago and the girls (granddaughters) asked me, as we were decorating the tree, if we were still going to do Christmas crackers this year, now that grandpa isn't here.  I told them, "I don't know.  Would you like to?".  And they said yes.  So today, I went to buy them.  

It was a difficult moment.  Standing there in the store looking at the different boxes of Christmas crackers and thinking how glad I am that he brought this custom to our family, but how, sad that he won't be here to enjoy it with the girls -- I have photos of him, posing with the girls, wearing their funny hats and eye-patches from their crackers -- he taught them how to hold their crackers so they got the prizes inside -- and he loved the fun they had -- Now I am wondering if I can make it as much fun for them as he did.  Maybe it was a mistake to try to keep this going without him.  What do you all think?

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on December 21, 2013 at 4:26pm

Mac  I''m with you.   Morley's birthday,  our wedding anniversary, then Christmas,  all in one month.   This is my fourth and by far the worst.   I no longer believe that it will get any easier.   I think when you marry relatively late in life as we did and then you decide to live for one another and do everything together you have no where to go when your husband dies.     I kept thinking after the second year that it would start to get better and in some ways I am stronger.    I no longer cry in public unless something triggers it off (and that can be anything, anytime) but inside the pain and the churning stomach remain exactly the same.    I know I have complicated grief (that was diagnosed at the beginning) but knowing it and finding anyone who can help you with it are two different stories.   There is no specialist in that kind of grief here so basically I am abandoned to find my way through it all and I am not succeeding.   Christmas (and his birthday had to have a cake etc, I even had a trumpeter come once to play happy  birthday for him and he loved it), Christmas he had to have a stocking so I filled so though the year I would buy odds and ends to fill it with and he was like a kid rushing through on Christmas morning to find his stocking and bring it back to bed and open all the parcels.   That is such a happy memory but, as usual, is followed by a stab of pain because it will never happen again.   So Mac, join the club of us widows who are still deep in mourning 4 years on and see no end in sight.    I hope you get through the festive season.   If you have children that will help (we had none).   I feel for you as I feel the same and no one understands unless they walk in our shoes.

Comment by Carol Kayser on December 21, 2013 at 1:56pm

Dear Mac, sending caring thoughts your way and knowing it is very hard during this time of year.  Blessings for a peaceful and warm Christmas.

 

Hugs,

Carol

Comment by Carol Kayser on December 21, 2013 at 1:52pm

Dear Wilela, about the Mens' Department - have experienced that exact same thing.  It first hit me after my father died.  He loved Sears and he did most of his clothes shopping there.  Plus he would always do most of his Christmas shopping there too and would say on the phone that he had been to Sears and all the shopping was done.  I would laugh and tell him I was nowhere near finished.

So after he passed away, the first year, I went during lunchtime at work to Sears.  Well between the music and the mens's dept that was it.  I fled in tears!

So when I shop for my son-in-law and my daughter's boyfriend, I still I look at the clothes and I think wow, Jack would have looked really handsome in that sweater or that shirt.

As for Tim Horton's Wilela, same here.  Jack loved his Timmies, every day, and so that was on our list as we were out. 

We are here to support each other through the season, so let's make sure we do by checking back with each other:)

 

Hugs,

Carol

 

Comment by Carol Kayser on December 21, 2013 at 1:37pm

Dear Barbara, you should be very proud, look at the strength you are showing.  To be able to resolve a family situation and come up with a solution, that's a big deal and shows you can still be there for others who need you.  To me that means you are coming to a place of acceptance, because you are able to keep your beloved in your heart, grieve for him, but also to be able to be supportive to others. 

You are doing so well and Chris would be so proud of you Barbara.  I am glad you are finding you can cope during the holiday season. 

I think we are all experiencing the triggers of the holidays, and when I read the other posts too, we are all in this together that's for sure!

I am sure our loved ones know how much we have always appreciated them and love them and still do in every way.  When I read the posts I think we are pretty lucky to have had such wonderful, special and precious loved ones in our lives.

Hugs,

Carol

Comment by Carol Kayser on December 21, 2013 at 1:15pm

Dear Marsha, thank you for your words, and they made me smile too.  Talking about your dogs brings to mind when Jack and I would take our golden retriever out to the front of our complex and there we would have fun just watching cars slip and slide up and down the big hill!  Then Bailey would dance around in the snow enjoying herself and we would get into our Jeep, which Jack said would go anywhere in the snow and it did, LOL and we'd head to Timmies for coffee and a donut, dog and all.  It always goes back to the simple pleasures doesn't it?

I am very comforted by your saying Jack is guiding me and watching over me.  I feel that and know we have our guardian angels surrounding us.  It takes me back to thinking about Jack holding and wrapping his arms around me, the safety of those arms.  So you are right you know, let's close our eyes, if only for those briefest of moments and feel and sense the closeness:)

Today I am behaving child like...Abby is here and we have been bouncing, jumping and doing child like aerobic workouts! Of course it helps that she is wearing her reindeer jingle bell headress too:)

 

Hugs,

Carol

Comment by Mac on December 21, 2013 at 11:48am

In reading your posts about your husbands dropping you off and picking you up my babe did the same thing. The years get harder for me he died in 2009 and it just gets harder all the time. Especially the holiday and Christmas was his favorite time of the year and now its the saddes time for me. I will be so glad to just get it over with . Glad thou to hear most of you are getting on with your life and making some kind of sense out of it and little ones help ease the pain alittle. Marsha Kudos to you, you seem to hold us together. So glad some of you have met new persons and have someone to share with. Everyone had a good and safe Christmas and New Year.

Hugs

Mac

 

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