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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on October 26, 2013 at 6:49am

I bought the book I am grieving as fast as I can but it is really aimed at young widows\widowers and I have no doubt would be a great help to them.   I found some of it related to me but there really is nothing for the over 70s who have spent a lifetime together and now find themselves alone (we had no children) and with no purpose in life (too old to work).   I just want to stay in bed under the covers and hope next time I come up for air I will be on the other side with Morley (my husband).   Don't let me put you off reading this if you are younger because it is helpful for that age group but really no one cares about us oldies, it is as if we are expected to have got over loving someone and can knit or sew or something.   Well I am here to tell you that if you have a good marriage (I had one of the best), the loving grows deeper and stronger with every passing day and when one of you goes the one left is absolutely bereft and feels they have no place in the World any more and are worth nothing

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on October 26, 2013 at 6:38am

Jan  So sorry your in laws are making it worse for you.    7 months is nothing.   I am 3 years plus and still cry every day.   I appreciate your feeling  in a deep dark hole.   That is how I feel most of the time.   Yes I have friends but they have their own families and their lives have moved on mine hasn't.   My only family, a sister and two nieces (whom I loved deeply) I have not heard from in 2 years, they cannot cope with my grief.    It is SO painful and I feel I will never recover from this blow.   We had no children so at 73 I am totally alone in the World - at least that is how it feels.    I am so sorry you find yourself facing yet another blow it is almost like a double bereavement isn't it?

Comment by Marsha H on October 26, 2013 at 3:52am

Jan ...  I am so sorry you are going through this with your in-laws.  You have lost a spouse and they have lost a son and there is no way they have gotten over the loss of their son anymore than you have gotten over the grief of losing him.  Grief is individual for everyone and perhaps it's most difficult on your mother-in-law (parents feel they should pass away before their children) to see you cry when she is trying to struggle with her own grief.  Each person grieves so differently, some are silent without a tear, some cry constantly, others cry off and on and some can die from a broken heart (especially the elder people losing a mate.) 

Perhaps it would be best you see your in-laws a little less for a few months and perhaps visit them once every week or whatever you feel is a good time for you.  One thing we all know is that we don't get over the loss of our spouse in 7 months!  It's been 2 1/2 years since my husband passed away from pancreatic cancer and although the tears are getting a little further apart I can still break-down and cry because I love and miss him so much.  Also for those of us left behind the future is a jumble and uncertainty lurks in every corner, but we will survive and one day we can look at photos of our loved one and smile at the good memories we've had. 

You grieve on your time and if you are not getting grief counseling please consider it.  Hospices will offer groups who have experienced the loss or their husbands or, you may want to have a more private one-on--one with a grief counselor.  Choose a close and loyal friend that puts their arm around you and just lets you cry or talk. 

Please keep coming back to this forum because it has certainly helped me when I've had rough days and the members on here are so wonderful and supportive.

Big hug (because you need it.)

Marsha

Comment by Carol Kayser on October 26, 2013 at 12:46am
Jan, so sorry. 7 months is nothing at all when it comes to grief. How painful for you to deal with that. It is much more painful when it's your own family telling you that. You know in your heart and please don't listen to them. Cry when you want, grieve as long as you need. It's not about anything else but that.

Hugs,
Carol
Comment by Jan on October 26, 2013 at 12:11am
It's been 7 months and my in laws think I should get over it. His own mother said crying doesn't change anything and she said my husband wouldn't want me to be like this. I feel like I'm in a deep hole and everyone has just gone on with their lives. His own family has gotten over it. Maybe they just didn't love him as much as I did I wonder if I could ever feel happiness again. Im so sad everyday I put on my fake smile and tell everyone I meet that I'm fine. When I am not.
Comment by Diane C on October 25, 2013 at 8:13pm

Barbara,

My thoughts and prayers are with you, your sister and her son tonight. She has a very hard decision to make. I know when Rich finished his sessions with chemo, they made him take a break for a month or two, and when they wanted to change it up, and start another session he said no. He did not want to go through it again. I was very angry with him at first. Thinking he wasn't trying hard enough to stay alive for me. How selfish was that of me??? I didn't even consider what he was feeling and  going through.  Your sister will make the best decision for her own life. I feel bad for you to have to go through this again.

Hugs to you!!

Comment by Marsha H on October 25, 2013 at 7:11pm

Diane C ... It is environmentally safe.  Just get the cheap stuff.  Costco is cheap as is Wal-Mart.  Get one of the guys to carry it out for you.  You could use 2 bags to put on the left and right of your trunk to balance your car.  The cost can be $10 - $15 or a bit more depending on how big a bag you get.  I'd go to Costco and get one of the guys to put it in the trunk the way you want it.

Hugs

 

Comment by Diane C on October 25, 2013 at 6:48pm

Carol and Marsha,

Thanks for the suggestion about the kitty litter. Dual purpose and environmentally friendly (I think).  I don't have a cat, but I could do that. But just how much does a bag of kitty litter weigh vs. a bag of sand??

Carol, before we put the addition on our house and added a garage, Rich would go out every morning to clean off my car and warm it up for me, just like Jack did for you. what a great memory that is..

Wow, your flood at work sounded just like my dining room ceiling last Sunday..... Except my waterfall didn't last as long as yours I am sure. I hope Abby is doing well!!

Hugs!!

Comment by Diane C on October 25, 2013 at 6:39pm

Mark M.

Thank you for sharing the unveiling of your wife's headstone. What a beautiful description of you feeling the burden of mourning leaving you. We can all only WISH that that feeling will come over us too.

Comment by Diane C on October 25, 2013 at 6:35pm

Wilela,

Your post about the moment when you and Brian were told of his diagnosis sure brought back some memories of Rich's diagnosis. But, Rich would not let them give him their prognosis. To the day he passed he never knew what "time frame" they had given him. It was very difficult for me, but that was his choice. The day he was admitted to Hospice I asked them to give me the prognosis.  All she could tell me is that it went from weeks to days. Rich lived for 33 days in the Hospice hospital. No one thought he would last more than a week there. He refused to talk about the illness or anything. Only on two occasions did we talk about death and his wishes and then one day we were walking outside and he said "I am dying of cancer, this is it, I am dying". By far one of the hardest days of my life. I envy those who were able to have conversations about this. But I only have what was given to me. And I cherish every minute of that.

 

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