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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1372
Latest Conversations: 23 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Diane C on October 24, 2013 at 4:31pm

Hey Marsha,

What day is today?????

Love you!!!

Comment by Diane C on October 24, 2013 at 4:31pm

Oh Barbara,

How I totally understand what you are saying. For the longest time, I could not even say Rich's name without bawling. It was longer than your 6 months. Give it time, with time you will be able to say Chris' name, and talk about him. I agree that coming to this forum makes it much easier to get your feelings out. It has really helped me to come as far as I have come in the year that Rich has been gone. There are times, even now that when I go to talk about Rich that I get choked up and have a hard time getting through the conversation. But it is not as often. I know people hate to hear that with time, it does get easier, not better, just easier to handle. For some it takes longer than others. I wish you the best in getting through the rough hills, but smoother roads are ahead. Take care Barb.

Hugs, Diane

Comment by Diane C on October 24, 2013 at 4:23pm

Hi Mike,

I am glad to hear that you are doing a little better. It will come and go, as you already know. I am glad to hear that you adopted a golden retriever. What a beautiful dog they are. I have a little yappy miniature pincher and she is not a very friendly dog to strangers, which is ok with me. But she gives unconditional love to me. We got her a couple months before Rich was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She was a blessing and a great companion for him during his cancer journey. She laid with him whenever he was in his chair or on the couch, and then whenever he was in bed. But now she is overly protective of Katie and I. And Mike, I am so proud of your commitment to stay in contact with your 88 year old mom.  I am very angry at my brother right now, because he came into town for a couple days and made no attempt to contact my dad who is 80 years old. I can not even tell him that my brother was in town, for fear of upsetting him. There is no conflict between them. My brother is just very condescending and full of himself. I love him dearly, but I just don't like him right now. Sorry, shouldn't have gone off on my own issues. Take care Mike, and again I am glad that the fog is starting to lift for you.

Diane

Comment by Diane C on October 24, 2013 at 4:14pm

Hi Mark,

Your grief is so fresh and you are just beginning the journey. It has only been 1 month for you. You are going to experience so many feelings and things that you miss. I still miss Rich's laugh and his touch. He had a great sense of humor and laughed all the time. Never a day goes by that I don't think of something that I miss. You will have your memories for the rest of your life. Hang in there Mark, and let those memories flow.

Comment by Diane C on October 24, 2013 at 4:06pm

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha,

What in the heck were you thinking answering the door fresh out of the shower???? AND without your teeth. You had me laughing so hard, trying to visualize this guy looking at you smiling away. I wish I were a mouse in his house when he got back home. I am sure he was laughing all the way home. But I agree with Carol, the next time he sees you he is going to think Wow, first of all is that really her???? and then, he is going to think, wow she really dresses up nicely. IF you ever see him again, just say, Oh I understand that you stopped in and talked to my twin sister, who was visiting recently. Seriously, you need to be more careful answering your door in the future. But thanks for the funny story. As always it comes when I really need a pick me up!!

Love and Hugs to you!!

Comment by Diane C on October 24, 2013 at 3:58pm

Hi Cheryl,

So good to hear from you. I hope you are doing ok, and getting through this whole grief process, as best you can. As we all know, it will be the toughest thing we ever have to do in our lives. But, with the help of all our family and friends on this site, we will make it!! Take care Cheryl, and keep in touch!!

Diane

Comment by Marsha H on October 24, 2013 at 3:38am

To all ...  I hope you enjoy this fantastic video (slow motion) and perhaps we can learn something from dogs ...  SHAKE!'  Shake the blues away and shake hard enough to face another day hopefully with a smile (don't break anything LOL)

http://www.care2.com/greenliving/dogs-shake-n-dry-in-slow-motion-vi...

 

Comment by Marsha H on October 24, 2013 at 3:27am

Carol ...  don't think the poor guy will be back... you know ... Halloween and all.  LOL 

Thanks my dear friend for clarifying my forgetfulness every so often as it worries me sometimes.  I do have a lot on my plate right now and have been busy.  Also trying to put my life into some kind of perspective and want to try and start the New Year with more positive things (if possible.)

Hope things are going well for you.  We JUST HAVE TO get together before the weather gets worse. 

Love & Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on October 24, 2013 at 3:22am

MikeF ... Glad to hear you are doing OK. 

Believe it or not you are getting stronger, out of that fog we were all in and my second year reality set in and some days were harder than others, but the old saying 'time does heal' (to a degree) rings true.  You are so lucky to have work to return to after your Molly passed away.  I'm retired and find it very difficult not having a job to go to so I can get my mind off things so I have to find other ways to get up and moving.  I'm so happy to hear you got a Golden Retriever and pets are so comforting with a loyalty that is never ending.  I have two small dogs ..  Tootsie who is BishnxPoodle (10 years old) and a male Cockapoo named Booker T (8 years old) and they force me to get out and walk them when sometimes I use to feel like just pulling the covers over my head each morning I woke up.  They give triple the love back that we give them. 

I understand how much you miss your beloved Molly and the old life we had with our spouses.  I think you have an extremely wise perspective on grief and the passing of Molly ... they have taught a lesson (however cruel it may seem) to 'stop and smell the flowers' and to unclutter our lives.  I have learned the same things as you have from my Ernie. I have a saying, 'clean out your closet each year' which simply means looking at your life and letting some people in your life go that are not true friends and keeping those that are close to your heart and telling them every so often how much you appreciate and love them and family is included in this as well.  I'm also happy to hear you don't work excessive hours as it's not worth it in the end and you miss so much of the wonderful things life has to offer. Your mother is going to be so thrilled that you are going to keep in touch with her more often and no matter how old you are you will always be her little boy.  Ernie's and my parents have passed away, but I was caregiver and did have time for them (gave up my job) and never regretted it.  Of course I know you can't do that.

Like you, I still find it difficult to feel joy when I am out with family or friends, but I can feel it slowly stirring deep down and it just takes time.  It's another chapter of our life.

I think those of us that miss our spouses so much have been so very lucky as many people never experience a love like that.  The old saying, 'tis better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all' rings true.  As painful as it is for me to look at old pictures of Ernie and I having so much fun in our lives I realize just how lucky I was to have had them.

You hang in there Mike and little by little the severe pain of grief will subside and you'll be able to think of Molly without the intense grief. 

Comment by MikeF on October 23, 2013 at 10:36pm

Marsha:

Yes, I am doing OK.  Thanks for asking.

It is close to 10 months since Molly pass away.  The fog has lifted quite a bit, depression comes and goes in cycles, but no joy has returned to my life.  I returned to work two weeks after Molly passed and it has been an OK distraction.  I adopted a  4 1/2 yr old Golden Retriever in July and she finds a way of keeping me active and fills my weekends and evenings with walking and petting.

I miss Molly tremendously and I miss many parts of my old life.  Losing Molly has added a new perspective on what is important and what is not.  I try to weed out the stuff that is no longer important (like working excessive hours) and continue to try to find important things (like staying in contact with my 88 year old mother) to fill the void that losing Molly has left. 

 

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