Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on October 26, 2013 at 3:52am

Jan ...  I am so sorry you are going through this with your in-laws.  You have lost a spouse and they have lost a son and there is no way they have gotten over the loss of their son anymore than you have gotten over the grief of losing him.  Grief is individual for everyone and perhaps it's most difficult on your mother-in-law (parents feel they should pass away before their children) to see you cry when she is trying to struggle with her own grief.  Each person grieves so differently, some are silent without a tear, some cry constantly, others cry off and on and some can die from a broken heart (especially the elder people losing a mate.) 

Perhaps it would be best you see your in-laws a little less for a few months and perhaps visit them once every week or whatever you feel is a good time for you.  One thing we all know is that we don't get over the loss of our spouse in 7 months!  It's been 2 1/2 years since my husband passed away from pancreatic cancer and although the tears are getting a little further apart I can still break-down and cry because I love and miss him so much.  Also for those of us left behind the future is a jumble and uncertainty lurks in every corner, but we will survive and one day we can look at photos of our loved one and smile at the good memories we've had. 

You grieve on your time and if you are not getting grief counseling please consider it.  Hospices will offer groups who have experienced the loss or their husbands or, you may want to have a more private one-on--one with a grief counselor.  Choose a close and loyal friend that puts their arm around you and just lets you cry or talk. 

Please keep coming back to this forum because it has certainly helped me when I've had rough days and the members on here are so wonderful and supportive.

Big hug (because you need it.)


Comment by Carol Kayser on October 26, 2013 at 12:46am
Jan, so sorry. 7 months is nothing at all when it comes to grief. How painful for you to deal with that. It is much more painful when it's your own family telling you that. You know in your heart and please don't listen to them. Cry when you want, grieve as long as you need. It's not about anything else but that.

Comment by Jan on October 26, 2013 at 12:11am
It's been 7 months and my in laws think I should get over it. His own mother said crying doesn't change anything and she said my husband wouldn't want me to be like this. I feel like I'm in a deep hole and everyone has just gone on with their lives. His own family has gotten over it. Maybe they just didn't love him as much as I did I wonder if I could ever feel happiness again. Im so sad everyday I put on my fake smile and tell everyone I meet that I'm fine. When I am not.
Comment by Diane C on October 25, 2013 at 8:13pm


My thoughts and prayers are with you, your sister and her son tonight. She has a very hard decision to make. I know when Rich finished his sessions with chemo, they made him take a break for a month or two, and when they wanted to change it up, and start another session he said no. He did not want to go through it again. I was very angry with him at first. Thinking he wasn't trying hard enough to stay alive for me. How selfish was that of me??? I didn't even consider what he was feeling and  going through.  Your sister will make the best decision for her own life. I feel bad for you to have to go through this again.

Hugs to you!!

Comment by Marsha H on October 25, 2013 at 7:11pm

Diane C ... It is environmentally safe.  Just get the cheap stuff.  Costco is cheap as is Wal-Mart.  Get one of the guys to carry it out for you.  You could use 2 bags to put on the left and right of your trunk to balance your car.  The cost can be $10 - $15 or a bit more depending on how big a bag you get.  I'd go to Costco and get one of the guys to put it in the trunk the way you want it.



Comment by Diane C on October 25, 2013 at 6:48pm

Carol and Marsha,

Thanks for the suggestion about the kitty litter. Dual purpose and environmentally friendly (I think).  I don't have a cat, but I could do that. But just how much does a bag of kitty litter weigh vs. a bag of sand??

Carol, before we put the addition on our house and added a garage, Rich would go out every morning to clean off my car and warm it up for me, just like Jack did for you. what a great memory that is..

Wow, your flood at work sounded just like my dining room ceiling last Sunday..... Except my waterfall didn't last as long as yours I am sure. I hope Abby is doing well!!


Comment by Diane C on October 25, 2013 at 6:39pm

Mark M.

Thank you for sharing the unveiling of your wife's headstone. What a beautiful description of you feeling the burden of mourning leaving you. We can all only WISH that that feeling will come over us too.

Comment by Diane C on October 25, 2013 at 6:35pm


Your post about the moment when you and Brian were told of his diagnosis sure brought back some memories of Rich's diagnosis. But, Rich would not let them give him their prognosis. To the day he passed he never knew what "time frame" they had given him. It was very difficult for me, but that was his choice. The day he was admitted to Hospice I asked them to give me the prognosis.  All she could tell me is that it went from weeks to days. Rich lived for 33 days in the Hospice hospital. No one thought he would last more than a week there. He refused to talk about the illness or anything. Only on two occasions did we talk about death and his wishes and then one day we were walking outside and he said "I am dying of cancer, this is it, I am dying". By far one of the hardest days of my life. I envy those who were able to have conversations about this. But I only have what was given to me. And I cherish every minute of that.

Comment by Marsha H on October 25, 2013 at 5:44pm

Barbara ...

I've researched for you and have given you both sides ... using chemo/radiation or Holistic Methods so you can decide what you want to discuss with your sister.  Barbara, I prefer this one complementary/alternative medicines that work together.  Example:  If you sister prefer having Chemo or Radiation then alternative medicine (both doctors work together) can lessen the terrible side effects of chemo while boosting the immune system that the chemo attacks.

I hope this helps and I can give you more information, but know you are exhausted and this is enough information for you.  If you would like more information just post to me and I'll be happy to give it to you.

I know that alternative medicine can certainly alleviate side effects and boost the immune system and sometimes, depending on the cancer eradicate it altogether as it did with my friend who had both breasts removed and is fine after 20 years.  It's hope and I'm going for the best quality of life for your sister so she can spend it with her son.  Chemo unfortunately can make you so ill that she wouldn't have that quality of time with her son as she'd be too ill. 

Hugs & Prayers coming your way.




Comment by Marsha H on October 25, 2013 at 5:22pm

Barbara ...  You will always have my support as others will give you.  When you're down we'll pick you up and cyber hug you and when you're at a crossroads we'll try to help you figure out what is best for you and your sister.

We all feel in our grief that we can't seem to do anything right, yet look at the posts here and see what heroes we all are just to make it through one day at a time.  We are much stronger than we think.  You will get through this Barbara even though the burden is heavy on your heart.  May I suggest you seek either group counseling for grief or a one-on-one while going through this difficult time with your sister.  It will help.  Personally, I'd go through the one-on-one method. 

I'm off to do some research for you and hope it helps.  I'll post as soon as possible.

Love & Hugs



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