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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

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Comment by Barbara Sullivan on December 6, 2013 at 8:47pm

Thanks, Mark.  

Comment by Mark Jackson on December 6, 2013 at 5:32pm

Susan, I'm not sure. I received some of his work at my group the other night.   

Comment by Mark Jackson on December 6, 2013 at 5:08pm

Here is a link to Dr. Alan Wolfelt web page. http://www.centerforloss.com/who-are-you/someone-i-love-has-died/

Also look at the articles by Dr. Alan Wolfelt.

I really like the way he explains things. Hope it helps.

Mark 

Comment by Marsha H on December 6, 2013 at 5:10am

Wilela ...  I came across this link regarding speech problems by the Mayo Clinic.  It does sound like you have weak nerves/muscles I the throat (more common in seniors than one knows.)  Hope it helps you.  There is hope though and speech therapy does help a lot.  NOTE:  Please look up the side effects of any medications you are taking because in this link it mentions this.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/dysarthria/DS01175

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on December 5, 2013 at 3:13pm

Dear Wilela ...   I honestly feel your pain and I think many of us can feel exactly as you do regarding joining their spouse.  It is difficult to please a person grieving their spouse because grieving has it's highs and lows and one minute we want to be alone and then we want family or friends around us.  We can feel we are getting back to some kind of normal when suddenly we can be thrown backwards and it doesn't feel like we've made any progress, but we have!  The holidays season coming up and even for those not grieving it can be a very emotional time of year and this causes many of us to feel sad or depressed.  'Tis the season to be jolly so we've learned through the years before our spouses passed away and now suddenly we're alone.  I make no excuses to my family or friends about how I feel as we all have a right to have bad days.

Don't be so hard on yourself Wilela about your speech problem. We who grieve are so sensitive and I am sure your family is not looking at you in disgust.  I know it's difficult on you and this time of year people are so excited that they forget to relax and so without knowing it cut you off and not give you enough time to say what you have to say.  Don't be afraid to let them know how that hurts you.  My father suffered from a stroke in the 1970's and was taking speech therapy and my brother, his wife, Ernie and I were very patient with him when he tried to talk.  Sometimes some people just need to be reminded.  I also don't make excuses for those that can't have some concept about how a widow/widower feels because my heart went out to my own mother and also my mother-in-law and I tried my best to keep them busy and just listen to them when they needed to talk, so those who don't listen now are just plain rude, lack empathy and need a kick in the pants! 

I too was once very independent and extroverted and that's what Ernie loved about me and now ... where did I go?  I use to have a keen wit about me and enjoyed making people laugh and now I sit silently or just put on a smile.  The odd time I can laugh at something someone has said, but for the most part I feel void of feelings.  I still can have my moments of being witty and make others laugh which helps me to maintain a little balance in my life.

Helen and Barbara are right ... marriage is man-made.  Wilela I would like you to sit back all alone with your eyes closed as to when you met Brian.  Then ask yourself if it was simply fate or intervention that you met your soul mate.  I believe God brought us together.  I had one bad marriage behind me and then I met my Ernie and I believe God sends us on a journey until we meet the one we love. For some they never meet their soul mate because they aren't seeing what is before their eyes or there are other reasons. Your Brian is close to you and I believe with all my heart that when my time comes Ernie will be there.  Marriage vows say 'til death do us part' which simply means they are not earthbound to us.  I believe there are no marriages in heaven, but we will be with our spouse with even a greater love than we have ever known.  For some reason we were left behind to carry on in their memory and to pass on the wisdom, love and caring they enriched our lives with 'pay it forward.'  In time you will be a lot stronger.  I read your posts all the time Wilela and you help and encourage so many of us and you continue to do so.  These feelings you have are a blip in what good things will happen to you in the future.  I am praying that 2014 will be a good year for us making us stronger and sharing our love and joy with others and have peace and love back where we are content enough to have a future.

I am still anxious about the 2 buffets I'm having as I felt 'so what if I cried, so what if I stay in the kitchen and don't want to talk or, just maybe I'll find some modicum of peace having family and friends around.

Big hugs

Marsha

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on December 5, 2013 at 11:57am

Susan   There is a local bereavment group called cruse and I went and saw a counselor on a one to one basis but gave up because I did not feel I was getting anywhere.   They have a group meeting on a Monday and i went only once.    There were around 60 people there all of whom seemed much further on in their grief than me and it was more of a social club and they were all laughing and joking whilst I was quietly dying inside..   The counselor who suggested it phoned me  next day and said "that wasn't really for you was it Helen"   I had to admit I felt like a fish out of water and the saying being alone in a crowd springs to mind.   I have not been back and to my knowledge there is no other group.

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on December 5, 2013 at 11:50am

Barbara  I wish I could have met your Chris.   He sounds just like my Morley.   There was a fairly large air station here during the war so he could very well have been stationed near Aberdeen.  Things are stranger than fiction sometimes aren't they?   We just love and  miss them so much that our minds are constantly filled with thoughts of them and no one can help.   I have no family so at least you can see your husband in his children and they carry on his genes.   I so wish we had had a child but we were too old when we married and as Morley was a reproductive biologist (he taught at the University) he knew too much about what could go wrong and was unwilling to take the risk so here am I left all alone with no one and Morley's genes died with him which is such a shame as he was a man in a million and had such integrity.   No one could take his place anyway not even a child but at least I would know there was a bit of him still around.

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on December 5, 2013 at 11:42am

Wilela   I get a newsletter from a man called Victor Zammitt every Friday (anyone can get it, it's free and comes automatically once you sign up for it).   I got really upset when someone else raised the question that there is no marriage in heaven and you are all friends.   I e mailed Victor with that question.    His reply is that no, there are no marriages in heaven as marriage is man invented.   What there is for those of us who have soul mates waiting for us is what he calls a heart to heart connection and that you will definately be reunited with you soul mate this way..   For example he gave me , he had no heart to heart connection with his parents who were not kind to him in childhood and therefore he has no expectations of being with them when he passes over.   His heart to heart connection is his wife and he fully expects them to be together forever.   Does that make you feel any better?   It did me.   I really don't care what they call it.   Marriage is after all a piece of paper.   All I want is to be reunited with Morley forever and if that is called a heart to heart connection instead of a marriage I really don't care as long as we are together forever.    I cannot wait for that day.   I pray every night not to waken up unless it is in Morley's arms.   I am 74 so really hope I do not have 20 years ahead of me.   I pray that whoever takes these decisions takes pity on me and lets me go soon.

Comment by Barbara Sullivan on December 5, 2013 at 10:47am

Wilela -- I know that Jesus said there is no marriage in heaven when he was asked a "trick" question about a woman who had had more than one husband -- that's probably what you are thinking about -- but that really doesn't square with what we have learned about near-death experiences, where people have seen and heard the voices of family and friends who have gone on before them.  

I think we kind of covered this subject, here on Legacy, awhile back.  Marriage, as we know it, in our society, is a legal condition -- in heaven those earthly legal bindings are not valid, but our spiritual connections are valid and do continue.  We were/are spiritually connected to those we have loved and those who have loved us -- love IS the spiritual connection we share with them.  So, my belief is that we will enjoy that same deep love with our husbands and wives when we join them.  I hope that helps you.  

And, Wilela, dear, I have been in that downward spiral, like you, and I know how awful and lonely it is, and how hard it is to fight against that.  I have to try really hard to recognize when I am allowing myself to just free-fall  and remember that it is just for the moment.  

I am so sure that if Brian or Chris were here with us they would tell us that life is still worth living -- and we need to remember that they did not WANT to leave us -- and, that they loved life -- and they live on through us.

Thinking of you and sending love and prayers.

Barb

Comment by Carol Kayser on December 5, 2013 at 9:58am
Hi Barb, I am so glad I was able to help, that means a lot to me:) it's wonderful you had the conversation with your daughter, she sounds terrific and loving and caring.
I'd write more but off to work, take care and you will get your strength back Barb.
Hugs,
Carol
 

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