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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on November 8, 2013 at 11:31am

Barbara   Everything you say and more is what I feel.    I was married to the best, a man of integrity who put people before himself often to the deteriment of especially his career.   He was my best friend and I was his and the last 10 years together when he retired we spend every moment together.   People told me it was foolish to "put all my eggs in one basket like that" as what would I do if he was taken.   Well I did and he was and I don't know what to do in this new world.   we did an exercise class together, did ballroom dancing lessons together (in fact we were joined at the hip).   Now I am a lost soul wondering where my place in life is now and the answer is I don't have one.   I am left marking time until I join him.   It is more than three years since he died and I am beginning to forget little things about him and that scares me rigid.   I don't want to forget anything about our love for one another but I would like to remember it with happiness instead of this intense pain.   I just wish it would all be over with tonight and I wake up tomorrow in his arms but I know I won't.   I'll just have to face another week of pure unhappiness without him.   Everyone tells me the year is flying past - well not for me, every day seems to last forever whereas when Morley and I were together even if we were just in the house relaxing every day was glorious and I expected it to go on forever - how stupid is that.   So Barbara you are not alone in this new mad we thought were friends turn out to be be anything but.   I am totally with you in all you say

Helen

Comment by Bar S on November 8, 2013 at 10:11am

Barbara, All that you say, think and feel are such unfortunate realities of loss of our loved ones.  Life become so confusing and in disarray. You weren't spoiled you were loved and in love. You've already begun to take a reality check. But when it actually become your reality is another story. It's been three and a half years since I lost my 59 year old "Shekinah" to a giant aneurism. I guess its become more real and I don't always feel like a train wreck, but the void in my life remains daunting. I believe I'll always experience myself as uncomfortably incomplete.

To everyone- yes it's holiday time-- Joy to the world-- I think I'll  just hibernate.  Bless you all. Barry

Comment by Barbara Sullivan on November 8, 2013 at 9:24am

Chris and I lived such a quiet, well-ordered life together and now everything seems to be dissolving in chaos.  Maybe it's just me-- but I feel that since he has been gone I have lost control of my life and am at the mercy of world around me.

I guess I never realized what a buffer he was, between me and all the daily big and small events that currently seem to overwhelm me.  My husband was a solid rock.  He was the kind of man that always kept his word -- if he said he would do something, you could count on it.  He was never late -- he never put things off -- if he offered his help, he showed up, on time, ready to work, and had he little patience for people who didn't.  

For twenty years, this was my life with this man.

In the last 7 months I have had to learn to live in a different world.  And, I hate it!  I guess I was a spoiled wife.  But, I took care of him and he took care of me -- and it made us both happy.

At a time when my brain doesn't seem to work very well, I have had to make decisions that I am not equipped to make.  I have had to ask myself, time after time, "What would Chris do?"

People around me, people who are supposed to be my help, change their agendas -- and mine -- constantly.  I can't rely on them as I once was able to rely on him.  People don't show up on time -- or at all.  Friends and family who offered help don't have time.  Things that need attention are neglected, even though I have done my best.to see that everything is managed.  I feel as though I am circling in a fog with one foot nailed to the floor.  

Maybe I am trying too hard to force others into the void that losing Chris has made in my life.

Maybe the "new normal" is not going to be so well-ordered.  Maybe I just need to calm down and try to figure out what is making me feel so  worried, disconnected and disturbed.  Maybe I need to take a reality check and really understand that I am no longer part of a team-- that my "go-to-guy" is really gone and there is just me -- (and, here I dissolve into tears, because I want him back -- and I don't want this life, alone, without him).

I want my life back -- and i don't know how to create it, without Chris.

Comment by Marsha H on November 7, 2013 at 11:05pm

Dear Janice ...  I am so very sorry you've had such a bad week and believe it or not all of us have been there and some are there.  I wish I could give you a big hug right now so a cyber hug will have to do.  It's so sad we all live so far away from each other.

When my husband Ernie passed away in April, 2011 I was in a fog as well.  At first I didn't cry at all, but little by little and the emotions set in.  As cruel and heart rendering as it is crying helps relieve all the tension in our bodies.  I can still have some days I cry, but those days are growing further apart as we heal from grief although Ernie will remain in my heart until we meet again.

I would say Happy Birthday, but know the pain you feel without your Terry.  When Ernie passed we missed our 40th wedding anniversary and my 70th b/d.  I sure felt it and like you cried my eyes out.  Special occasions, some weekends and often long weekends can be difficult for us for those of us that don't have children. 

It is too soon in your grief to come to the point in your life where you will want to take all the good things Terry instilled upon you (and you him) and have a future for yourself passing off what he has taught you.  We leaned from each other.  You'll go on in his memory making him proud of you whether it's just volunteering, working or whatever you decide to do and eventually we will be with them again.  I do believe that myself.

Please keep coming on the forum and just say what is in your heart because we do understand.

Big hugs

Marsha

Comment by janice foyt on November 7, 2013 at 6:52pm

Cheryl and Mark - Thank you so much for your prayers and kind words.  I also will pray for comfort for you both.  Daily life is such a struggle right now.

Comment by Mark Jackson on November 7, 2013 at 6:20pm

Helen -  That's what I thought the group was going to be like. Just a bunch of people setting around laughing and joking, but I was surprised to find out different. I plan on going to the next meeting. The director said she thought the time change was why the group was so small this last time. It was a mix of people grieving for different reasons. There was only one gentleman who had lost his mate. I hope it stays small. I'm also looking for something else to fill in the time in between  the meetings. I hope your still looking for a group. It does seem to help to just be able to talk and have some one listen who understand what we're going though.

Cheryl - I'm not looking forward to the "season" either. My wife Cathy and I have bought a Christmas tree ornament every year we were married with the date on it . I don't know If I want to buy one this year. I probably will it just won't be the same. 

Janice -  I'm sorry your having a bad week. I know what you mean about being in a fog. I'm just going though the motions right now. There's not a hour that go's by I don't think about Cathy. I've even pick up the phone at work to give her a call. I've started to dial her number and then I realize what I'm doing. It's hard I know, but like you said the only comfort we have is knowing one day we all will be with our loved one again. What a day that will be. Until then we just have to take it day by day. As I've been told here before baby steps, one at a time and we'll make it.

Your all in my prayers

Mark  

Comment by cheryl holbrook on November 7, 2013 at 4:11pm

Helen and Mark - Wow thx for me not feeling so all alone , and not just being the holidays. Mike's birthday is the 10th (this Sun), and in Dec 15th we would of celebrated our 34th (like you Mark), then Christmas , my birthday and then New years ... uggggggg. Im so not looking forward to this "season", even though I do have alot to be thankful for, the pain is still like a never ending dull stabbing to the heart.

Janice - Im so sorry your having such a hard time, and know your sure not alone I to feel this way. Hang on to that hope! hugs

Thinking of you all and praying a peaceful rest tonight. Cheryl

Comment by janice foyt on November 7, 2013 at 3:29pm

I am having a terrible week.  I miss my Terry so much.  I am moving around the house but in a fog most of the time.  Not sure if writing will even help, but I am reaching out hoping it will.  Tuesday was my first birthday without my love.  I try to go on day after day, night after night.  I just wish I could be with him every minute and wish God would take me home so we can be together again.  He was my whole life.  No kids for us either.  The only comfort I have right now is knowing I will be in Heaven with him one day.

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on November 7, 2013 at 1:39pm

Mark.   Come on here and post all you want.   It does help a little,   I have much the same scenario in the coming weeks.   Morley would have been 81 on Dec 6th, then our wedding anniversary would have been on the 20th Dec., then Christmas and New Year, then my birthday is on 20th January.   I loathe and  detest every one of those dates.    I just wish I could join my beloved and then we could celebrate being together again and I don't want ever to come back (hope that that particular idea is nonsense but if it is not then I choose not to come back) and Morley can't either because I won't let him.   I refuse to go through this agonising pain of grief again.   It is now three plus years for me and I still long for him and hate the lonliness of this house without him.   If we had had children I am sure it would have been easier to bear, you could share the grief a little,   Still we didn't so there it is.    I am on my own and have to go down to his grave site alone but I think many of us on legacy do that whether or not they have children.   We all were soul mates with our spouses and that is why we found legacy.   Those who were not sole mates don't find it because they aren't looking for it because they don't need it.   Does any of that make sense.   I am rambling just like you Mark.    Hope you find your group helpful.   I have yet to find one.   The only one I went to was around 60 people laughing and joking and I think it had become a social club for most of them.   All I know is that I sat praying for it to end and have not gone back.

Comment by Marsha H on November 7, 2013 at 3:30am

Carol ... Snow tires are on sale at Costco as well.  Hope you get them.  Oh, for sure, you'll need good snow tires to go to Whistler.  Hope you have a fun time.  I haven't been up there in years and hope to get there sometime in the New Year.

Don't forget to let me know how you did at the dentist.  I'll be praying everything goes OK.

Hugs

Marsha

 

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