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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Thomas L. Trolia yesterday. 8 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 16. 4 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on October 12, 2013 at 1:26am

Mark...  I am so sorry you are having a bad day of it, but it's very normal and we've all been through it and some still go through it.

I felt the same way you did when I had to pick up my husband's death certificate; take his name of vehicles, accounts, etc., as if they were saying (just what you said) they were erasing the fact he never existed, but in my heart your spouse can never be erased.  It is up to us to keep their memories alive.  I too would break-down crying going through all the legalities and just when I felt I was getting over that a form would come from the government and I still get bills in his name even though I typed out letters to all institutions I deal with. I just leave his name there and don't correct them.  It is heart-breaking and you have every right to feel this way and sometimes it makes you blasted angry that others are so willing to move on because they think it's life.  Their day will come!

Your grief is so very raw Mark so don't have big expectations regarding your grieving and hopefully you join a group for grief counseling or get one-on-one help from a counselor. 

Put your foot down with family and friends!  If anything one of them should be there with you to help you think through the process of all the red tape.  Thankfully I had a girlfriend with me as my mind was in a fog.  Don't EVER let anyone tell you how you should grieve or for how long you should grieve.

You are just going into grieving so how can anyone expect you to move on when, as you say so correctly at this time there is nothing to move on to.  We all go through those special events in our lives and it hurts and the memories come flooding back, but, for most of us it does get a little easier the 2nd and 3rd year although we still shed tears.

I have to hunt for it in my posts here, but going to leave you a link regarding grieving and I hope you will PRINT IT OUT to each member of your family and loyal friends.  I did this so now they have no excuse as to how the grieving process effects people like us and, they also learn how to deal with us (the grievers.)  For those friends who did not bother to read it I basically kicked them to the curb and move forward and gave that extra love and appreciation to those that stood by me.

I hope you do post a lot Mark as we are all here for you and what you are going through is normal!  We all take it one day at a time so if you feel extremely low remember us and millions of other people who have had their spouses pass away You're going to make it even though you don't think so right now.  Lean on us!

Big hug (because you need it!)

Marsha

Comment by Carol Kayser on October 12, 2013 at 1:17am
Hello Mark. Sorry you had such a bad day. These things are so hard I know. When I had to do those things, make those changes it just broke my heart. I would honestly not let anyone push you into doing those things. 3 weeks is no time at all. People need to respect the grieving and be supportive.
You are right Mark, baby steps.

God bless,
Carol
Comment by Mark Jackson on October 12, 2013 at 12:42am

Well today was not a good day. I had to go pick up the death certificate for my wife. I thought I'd be OK but I had to read it to check for errors and I just lost it. Now people are telling I have to take her name off of the deed to the house, off the registration for the trucks and everything else. I fell like there trying to erase her. Like she didn't even exist. I don't think I can or want to. I'm just so tired of all this. I think I'm doing better and then something comes up and I go back wards. Most of my family and friends don't understand. They say it's been 3 weeks and I know I have to take care of this so I should buck up and just do it. Get it over with and move on. They don't understand there's nothing to move on to or for. I'm not looking forward to the next 3 mouths. My Birthday, Christmas, anniversary, and then Cathy's birthday. If everybody fells like they do now I don't know how I'm going to make though all of it. I'll just have to take it one day at a time. I'll be writing a lot. Thank you all for let me vent. God bless.

Comment by Frank Andrews on October 11, 2013 at 7:20pm

Wilela,

  I hope you are feeling better by now and you are so right on in your post. We lost half of ourselves and nothing in life seems the same anymore. The life we took for granted and all of the little things we shared and enjoyed are forever gone. The reality of it now is tolerable on some days....unbearable on others.  Hugs.

Comment by Marsha H on October 11, 2013 at 2:39pm

Mac ... You're not a dummy.  It takes time for us grievers to know what is or isn't available to us.  I am so excited for you!  I knew there was some way you could get around. 

I know you love to see your grandchildren, but try not to make yourself so available.  My girlfriend has 4 grandchildren and she finally put her foot down ... last minute babysitting, but her daughter doesn't much bother with her otherwise.  I remember when my parents and Ernie's parents were ill we were always available to them and we spent a great deal of time with them so this generation is simply selfish.  I do not like the term 'I'm too busy' at all!  Who wasn't busy when looking after aging parents, but we got through it.  It's called love and respect!  Sorry for venting, but I don't like to see you hurt. 

Ernie's aunt is very old and can't get around yet I find the time to go and get her little dog when I have my groomer come to groom my dogs.  I make the time!  She is so grateful she is reduced to tears and I feel so badly about it.  Humans have to slow down (and they can) to help each other and especially immediate family.

It's our Canadian Thanksgiving here on Monday, but most people are celebrating it either on the Saturday or Sunday.  I am fortunate to be going to my brothers on the Sunday and then my girlfriend invited me to her place on the Monday. I really detest long weekends and worry that I will be stuck home alone. 

Hey, Mac, are you peeling rubber and doing wheelies?  LOL  It must be great to be able to go and see your babe and all those prayers you received are working miracles.  Don't worry about winter, something else will come up to help you get to see your babe.  It's cold here as well and it's suppose to be sunny today, but so far clouds.  Hope the sun comes out tomorrow and throughout the weekend as promised.

Love & Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on October 11, 2013 at 2:29pm

Wilela ...  Of course you have my prayers always!  I know how you feel and what I do to help Is talk out loud to my sweetie about problems or just my day.  I don't care if people think I'm crazy because I feel he's still around me. 

I too am struggling being alone and trying to find out where I fit into this world, but when I feel like giving up something gives me strength and sometimes I feel a little joy amongst the heartache.  Somebody up there loves us and I like to believe Ernie would want me to have a good life and giving me strength to do so.  Life is so full of miracles!

You are stronger than you think my dear friend and remember, all of us have our good and bad days, but they do get better. 

Love & Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Carol Kayser on October 11, 2013 at 12:35pm

Dear Wilela, I wanted to reply to your post yesterday but I was out last evening.  I just had the passing of the 3rd anniversary of my sweetheart and as Chicago Beard says it feels easier, not so raw, and I did go through that day with our daughters and granddaughter and actually it was bittersweet and low key.  However, wham!!! two weeks later an entirely different story on his birthday.  I was hysterical and sad and bereft.  So on the journey there are spaces where we can breath and other places where we are short of breath from the climb.

I totally agree with you that I find myself missing my darling more and more each passing day, and yes it is most definitely possible.  And as for you, here we are at Canadian Thanksgiving, and "who makes the gravy now"..I have a picture of my darling at the stove, he's turning around with a big smile as he makes the gravy for the turkey, that's what I miss, those times that were so precious to us as a family. 

We will keep each other in our thoughts Wilela.

Big hugs,

Carol

Comment by Carol Kayser on October 11, 2013 at 12:00pm

Good morning Mac:)  that is so awesome about your scooter.  So you rode the scooter onto the bus or public transit?  The fact you could go to see your babe must have made you so happy!  I am really pleased that you figured that out.  It gets you out of the house - that is huge!

I am also glad you get to see your 2 grandchildren - that is extra special.

 

Bigs Hugs,

Carol

Comment by Mac on October 11, 2013 at 9:15am

Comment by Mac on October 11, 2013 at 9:15am

Hi Wilela, this month will be our 4th year of being apart and as Helen says it sure is not any easier and Chicago Bear hit it right, we are climbing this hughe mountain and all of a sudden this big bolder comes out of nowhere and slames the heck out of you and brings you back to the real world. I still have days where it is just not real and this dream is going to end soon. I am thinking of you and pray you have alot of people around you sometimes that does help. crying helps too just let it all out.
Saying a prayer for you.
Mac

 

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