Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Diane C on October 14, 2013 at 5:32pm

Congrats Marcia Kaul on your new job. I am sure you will do a great job.

Comment by Diane C on October 14, 2013 at 5:32pm

I am so proud of all of you who managed to get through your Thanksgiving dinners, whether you cooked or went to dinner at someone else's house. You have all given me strength to do the same in November. Such touching stories about the memories you all have from the many years of spending this holiday with your loved ones. My husband helped wherever he could, but he was not a cook. But he was a great sous chef. (not sure how to spell that) And, he always did all the dishes!!

I like the idea of reminiscing with the pictures - Carol

The beautiful candle - Wilela

And Marsha, I can not wait to try the parchment paper for the crescent rolls. Mine always burn.

I thank you all again for the encouragement you gave me and for the strength it took you all to get through the day(s).

Love and Hugs!!!


Comment by Barbara Sullivan on October 14, 2013 at 8:13am

Chris' four children are all Canadians -- and I know they are celebrating their Thanksgiving holiday and thinking of their Dad -- though it has been many years since he spent Thanksgiving with them.  On occasion, they came to us here in the States for Thanksgiving, and that made him very happy.  Next month we will celebrate Thanksgiving, here, and I haven't made any plans, yet.  Chris and I always had my family for Thanksgiving -- he and I would cook together -- set the tables up with the good china and silverware -- bring in the extra chairs and count and re-count the place-settings.

 I don't know what will happen this year -- a couple of the grandchildren have already asked and I just say, "I don't know".  I am sure we should do something -- thinking of my sister and her son and knowing that this may be the last time I will have the chance to do a family Thanksgiving that includes her --  

Sis has asked me to go with her to see her oncologist next week -- and, of course, I said I would -- but I know it will bring back hard memories of doing the same with Chris -- still, she doesn't have anyone else to be with her and I cannot let her go through this alone.

I don't know why God has chosen this family -- me -- to go through this -- it seems so harsh to put us through this again so soon after losing my beloved Chris.  

Sis came for dinner last night and I was happy to cook for her and my daughter, but she didn't eat very much.  She talked to me about what she wants for her son, after she is gone -- so hard to hear her talk about this, but I know it must be even harder for her to think about it.

I have decided that I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other, doing what I can, and remembering that this is what Chris would want me to do, too.  Pray for us, please.


Comment by Marsha H on October 14, 2013 at 4:48am

Hi Carol ...  Well I am proud of you!  I'm so happy your Thanksgiving dinner went well and I bet you are exhausted.  Heck, I only had to go to the dinner and I was exhausted!  LOL  Tell your daughter she isn't the only one who failed the gravy test.  My sister-in-law is a great cook, but messed up on the gravy (after years of cooking) and here's a good tip ... keep packages of Club House Turkey Gravy handy.  It is actually real gravy dehydrated and you use water.  I've used the juices from the turkey along with water and it's delicious. 

Now how sad is this ... I haven't baked or made a big dinner since Ernie passed so I had to be sure those crescent rolls turned out perfect and I got a brainstorm!  I lined parchment paper on a cookie sheet and put the rack in the oven in the middle and baked 17 minutes at 375 degrees and they turned out perfect without being burned on the bottom. I was proud of myself.  We had a great time and my one nephew's girlfriend brought her camera and I brought mine.  I am a big believer in pictures as they are reminders of happier times.  Still, there was a big hole where Ernie should be, but I managed to take it in my stride.




Comment by Marsha H on October 14, 2013 at 4:37am

Robin M ...  Please accept my condolences on the loss of your father and husband.  That has to be so difficult for you as I know the heartache of losing my husband in April 2011. I can't imagine also losing a parent so close in time.  My father passed away in 1973 and my mother in 2004.  I miss them, but the grieving wasn't as difficult as what you are going through.

This forum is a wonderful place to come and I call the members 'my angels' as they are there to pick each other up and of course you are now part of our extended family.  You can discuss all your feelings on here without being judged.  I don't know how I would have gotten through some very bad times without my extended family on here. It makes us feel we are not alone and we are not!

I have been in the same boat as you where friends don't know how to take the pain from our hearts and we end up consoling them.  What I did was search on the Internet and find a good article for family and friend's guidelines as to how to react to the person grieving and what they are going through as well as letting the griever know the process of grieving and I emailed the link to all my friends and also printed it out for others. 

It's OK to help out certain friends with personal problems of their own because it makes us feel needed, but, it isn't healthy to be consoling them over your grieving process.  You need their strength to lean on. 

So here you are and welcome.  I'm just sorry this is one forum you have to be on, but we're all here for you Robin.


Comment by Marsha H on October 14, 2013 at 4:26am

To all ...  I can't complain, had a wonderful time for Thanksgiving dinner at my brother and his wife's.  My nephews girlfriend took a picture of me leaning in the middle between my two huge nephews (in their late 20's) and she thought it was a great picture and I looked at it and was so shocked!  I know I am very thin (lost weight after Ernie passed) and my face looked so thin and I have aged because of it and I feel like a shadow of my former self.  It really upset me as I didn't think I looked that bad, but pictures tell no lies.  I came home very exhausted and had a short nap and had a terrible nightmare that woke me up with a start.  Now I have lost my confidence level of going out as no one is as thin as I am and I feel I just don't fit in.  I eat like a horse and don't know where the calories are going and I'm fighting with my doctor to figure out what is wrong with me.  Seeing him this coming Thursday.

Thanks for listening because my weight loss has really been bothering me.  I'm 5' 6" tall and only 90 lbs.  I should be 128 lbs.  I'm just frustrated.



Comment by Marsha H on October 14, 2013 at 4:20am

Wilela ,,,  I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Well, I am so proud of you as I know life hasn't been easy for you and a turkey dinner is a lot of work.  You would laugh at me my friend because my turkeys never did turn out the same every year ... either too dry or falling apart.  LOL  I did get a brain storm and I used parchment paper to line the cookie sheet and the crescent rolls turned out fantastic and not burned on the bottom as so many people complain about.  My nephew came and picked me up and we had a delicious dinner and some laughs. I brought my camera and my other nephews girlfriend also brought hers so we took some family photos.  It's the first time since Ernie passed and I have to say there is a hole in those pictures without him.  My nephews are huge ... not fat, but tall and look like two bouncers so I look like a 4 year old child next to them ad they tease me about it.  I'm petite and 5' 6" tall and they are well over 6 feet like Ernie was.  When we joke I say to them 'I may be small, but I'm still mighty so watch out!'  This gets them laughing.  They could stick one finger on my forehead and I'd be flailing around like a demented leprechaun. 

I am blessed to be invited to two places so tomorrow going to my girlfriends.  I have to say I'm actually out of my comfort zone going out for big dinners and come home totally exhausted. I like to do dishes after dinner and no one will let me help them.  Blast!  LOL 

Take care my friend.

Love & Hugs


Comment by Carol Kayser on October 14, 2013 at 12:30am
Hi Marsha! Well the turkey was fantastic but big Fail on the gravy! Daughter Stephanie tried to make gravy but couldn't , so ended up apologizing out loud to her dad! But great score on his favorite candied yams! The day went well and I am exhausted!!
Thank you for being proud of me!!
Hope your biscuits were good and dinner went well for you:)
Comment by MikeF on October 13, 2013 at 10:01pm


Take your time with all of the paperwork changes.  From what I have been able to piece together, there is no rush.  If your banking and financial holdings are in joint accounts, you have full access to them with her name still on the account.  The names that are on the deed to the house probably only matter when you are planning on selling (I have read stories about names not being changed for extended periods of time).  If both of your names are on the truck registration, your state may considered it to be joint tenancy (Illinois does).

I have slowly been working on the financial paperwork over the last 9 1/2 months.  Although most of the people in the financial institutions that I have dealt with have been very helpful, it takes time and emotional energy.  In the early stages of grief, you need that energy for far more important things.

Comment by Marsha H on October 13, 2013 at 3:02pm

Marcia Kaul ...  Thank you so much for that information and just hope we have something like that in British Columbia.  I would like part-time work and not full-time.  I could get us to customer service work.

How wonderful of your husband to think of others by donating his brain for Huntington's research.  My husband was also cremated and his wishes were that both our ashes were strewn over his favorite river he grew up by.  I loved that idea.  I have made arrangements for my sister-in-law to do this as I know I can count on her.  I have my husband's ashes in a curio cabinet where I know he is and still part of me in this house, yet others don't notice it. 

I laughed so hard at your husband calling you a 'kaul girl' and what he meant by that.  My last name is 'Maday' (pronounced Mayday) if you can believe that one!  LOL  This should give you a hint that my life is anything, but normal and the name suits me!  LOL  I use to work at a pipeline company and couldn't use my last name because their red alert was 'MAY DAY.'  Only 'I' could have a surname such as this working in that industry.  LOL

I wish you all the best Marcia and hope you have a wonderful weekend.  It's sunny and cold outside (love it) and just baking some crescent rolls and hope I don't burn them!  LOL  I haven't baked for a long while since my husband passed.  Going out for dinner to my brothers today. 




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