Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on October 14, 2013 at 4:26am

To all ...  I can't complain, had a wonderful time for Thanksgiving dinner at my brother and his wife's.  My nephews girlfriend took a picture of me leaning in the middle between my two huge nephews (in their late 20's) and she thought it was a great picture and I looked at it and was so shocked!  I know I am very thin (lost weight after Ernie passed) and my face looked so thin and I have aged because of it and I feel like a shadow of my former self.  It really upset me as I didn't think I looked that bad, but pictures tell no lies.  I came home very exhausted and had a short nap and had a terrible nightmare that woke me up with a start.  Now I have lost my confidence level of going out as no one is as thin as I am and I feel I just don't fit in.  I eat like a horse and don't know where the calories are going and I'm fighting with my doctor to figure out what is wrong with me.  Seeing him this coming Thursday.

Thanks for listening because my weight loss has really been bothering me.  I'm 5' 6" tall and only 90 lbs.  I should be 128 lbs.  I'm just frustrated.



Comment by Marsha H on October 14, 2013 at 4:20am

Wilela ,,,  I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Well, I am so proud of you as I know life hasn't been easy for you and a turkey dinner is a lot of work.  You would laugh at me my friend because my turkeys never did turn out the same every year ... either too dry or falling apart.  LOL  I did get a brain storm and I used parchment paper to line the cookie sheet and the crescent rolls turned out fantastic and not burned on the bottom as so many people complain about.  My nephew came and picked me up and we had a delicious dinner and some laughs. I brought my camera and my other nephews girlfriend also brought hers so we took some family photos.  It's the first time since Ernie passed and I have to say there is a hole in those pictures without him.  My nephews are huge ... not fat, but tall and look like two bouncers so I look like a 4 year old child next to them ad they tease me about it.  I'm petite and 5' 6" tall and they are well over 6 feet like Ernie was.  When we joke I say to them 'I may be small, but I'm still mighty so watch out!'  This gets them laughing.  They could stick one finger on my forehead and I'd be flailing around like a demented leprechaun. 

I am blessed to be invited to two places so tomorrow going to my girlfriends.  I have to say I'm actually out of my comfort zone going out for big dinners and come home totally exhausted. I like to do dishes after dinner and no one will let me help them.  Blast!  LOL 

Take care my friend.

Love & Hugs


Comment by Carol Kayser on October 14, 2013 at 12:30am
Hi Marsha! Well the turkey was fantastic but big Fail on the gravy! Daughter Stephanie tried to make gravy but couldn't , so ended up apologizing out loud to her dad! But great score on his favorite candied yams! The day went well and I am exhausted!!
Thank you for being proud of me!!
Hope your biscuits were good and dinner went well for you:)
Comment by MikeF on October 13, 2013 at 10:01pm


Take your time with all of the paperwork changes.  From what I have been able to piece together, there is no rush.  If your banking and financial holdings are in joint accounts, you have full access to them with her name still on the account.  The names that are on the deed to the house probably only matter when you are planning on selling (I have read stories about names not being changed for extended periods of time).  If both of your names are on the truck registration, your state may considered it to be joint tenancy (Illinois does).

I have slowly been working on the financial paperwork over the last 9 1/2 months.  Although most of the people in the financial institutions that I have dealt with have been very helpful, it takes time and emotional energy.  In the early stages of grief, you need that energy for far more important things.

Comment by Marsha H on October 13, 2013 at 3:02pm

Marcia Kaul ...  Thank you so much for that information and just hope we have something like that in British Columbia.  I would like part-time work and not full-time.  I could get us to customer service work.

How wonderful of your husband to think of others by donating his brain for Huntington's research.  My husband was also cremated and his wishes were that both our ashes were strewn over his favorite river he grew up by.  I loved that idea.  I have made arrangements for my sister-in-law to do this as I know I can count on her.  I have my husband's ashes in a curio cabinet where I know he is and still part of me in this house, yet others don't notice it. 

I laughed so hard at your husband calling you a 'kaul girl' and what he meant by that.  My last name is 'Maday' (pronounced Mayday) if you can believe that one!  LOL  This should give you a hint that my life is anything, but normal and the name suits me!  LOL  I use to work at a pipeline company and couldn't use my last name because their red alert was 'MAY DAY.'  Only 'I' could have a surname such as this working in that industry.  LOL

I wish you all the best Marcia and hope you have a wonderful weekend.  It's sunny and cold outside (love it) and just baking some crescent rolls and hope I don't burn them!  LOL  I haven't baked for a long while since my husband passed.  Going out for dinner to my brothers today. 



Comment by Marsha H on October 13, 2013 at 2:46pm

Wilela ...  I'm proud of you for having your Thanksgiving dinner.  I know I couldn't pull it off right now.  More than two people in my house and I'm a basket case!  I am going to my brothers today for dinner and tomorrow to my girlfriends.  I know it's not easy cooking now that our spouses have gone and Ernie use to help me as well.  He was so bad at picking away at the turkey and stuffing after I took it out of the oven and I miss that. 

I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving my dear friend.

Love & Hugs


Comment by Marsha H on October 13, 2013 at 2:44pm

Helen ...  Believe it or not we know how you feel.  Sometimes life just knocks us for a loop, but then another day we can feel driven and full of energy.  Take time out to rest and PLEASE get out and start walking.  When I feel depressed or very alone I go out for walks and it clears the mind.  Know we are always here for you and you know I'm there for you 100% so email me anytime.

Love & Hugs


Comment by Marsha H on October 13, 2013 at 2:42pm

Carol ...  I'm soooo proud of you for cooking Thanksgiving dinner!  Heck, I'm just baking crescent rolls to take to my brothers and I'm terrified I'm going to burn them.  LOL  I couldn't handle even a group of people here for a visit.  I do hope that changes.  I miss having Ernie around as he'd always help me and after I took the turkey out of the oven he'd try sneak pieces of it and I would laugh, but give him heck for it.  He was a turkey man!  LOL

Bless you and your family for the blessings we do have this Thanksgiving.

Love & Hugs


Comment by Marsha H on October 13, 2013 at 2:38pm

Wilela & my Canadian friends ...  HAPPY THANKSGIVING.  I know the word THANKSGIVING may mean little to some of us because we miss our spouses so much, but it's wonderful to read the posts and know that we are all striving to do a little something or a lot of things for Thanksgiving in memory of our spouses.  Yes, we miss them, but I do believe with all my heart they are with us.

Wilela, what a wonderful idea of having that candle with your sweetheart's picture on it.  I wish I had come up with that idea.

Love & Hugs to all


Comment by Marsha H on October 13, 2013 at 2:34pm

Barbara ... One thing grief is ... heart-breaking and can blind-side anyone of us.  We have our good and bad days and everything you are feeling is very normal.  You may feel afraid, spaced out, foggy-headed, napping during the day, sleeping too much or not enough, crying off and on, some small thing may just set you off into crying (reminding you of your beloved husband), feelings of disorientation or, when out with a group a people feeling like your body is there, but your mind and spirit isn't.  Feeling nothing will fill the hole in heart.  Eating too much or not enough or it zig zags up and down.  Being able to take care of bills, etc., on a given day, but perhaps not another day.  Confusion, not wanting to see people or talk or sometimes talking on the phone or the need to get out and mingle with others (strangers in a store) and I've done that.  I need to feel life if still around me.  Sometimes it's difficult to commit to certain events because you just don't know how you will feel on that given day (I'm still like that, but push myself.)

This forum is fantastic Barbara for letting us know how others feel and that we are not going crazy or giving up.  It has saved me many times and I consider all of you angels that keep me pointed in the right direction.  If you noticed a post from our dear Faith she has been kind enough to let us know she is finally healing over her loss to try and work into the future.  She gave us hope!

I loved the story of you telling me about your husband's accent  Yes, it was difficult, yet wonderful to see my handsome husband having such a good time and hearing his voice, but it brought me to my knees at the same time.  It also validated to me that I loved and respected him and when he was happy so was I.  I wish all of you could see the DVD.  I won't watch it for awhile, but it's there.  Perhaps in the future you'll find something with your husband's voice on it; a relative may have a video of some special occasion.  I didn't know I had this video I had made into a DVD. I'd forgotten all about it. 

I wish you a wonderful weekend my friend and I'll be on the forum during the weekend.  Know you are stronger than you think and that as time goes by you will get stronger.

Big hugs



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