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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1376
Latest Conversations: on Monday

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on December 3, 2013 at 8:16am

Welcome Susan - it is an odd choice of words because no one really wants to be here because it means they have lost their soul mate.    This forum saved me and you can vent anything you want and not be judged and always find a willing ear.   I am so sorry fort your loss - at the moment you will still be in the fog which lasted about a year in my case but eventually you have to face the future without them and come on here and vent all you need to.   This is a loving group and we have all walked in your shoes so we know that your heart is broken and unless someone loses a spouse they can never understand.   We do,   Bless you.   I am not particularly religious but it still seems the right thing to say.

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on December 3, 2013 at 8:09am

Dear Christy and Robert     I am so sorry for your losses and I welcome you on to this forum that no one really wants to be on because it means they have lost the most precious person in the World.   Come on here as often as you need to.   We (my husband Morley and I) had no children so I have no family support but the members on this forum saved my sanity.   I came perilously close to suicide as I no longer wish to live without him but was saved by things on this forum.   I still am heart broken and it is nearly 4 years for me.   I reckon now I am never going to get any better than I am so I exist I don't live.    I miss him even more now it has been such a long time.   There are some very insensitive people out there most of whom have never lost a spouse so have never walked in our shoes and you will get comments like "pull yourself together" (I got that one three weeks into my loss) and "it has been a year now, get on with your life."   I am 74 and my husband and I| did everything together so what life am I supposed to find to get on with.   Ignore them, they are ignorant people and will never understand until it happens to them (sometimes not even then if they did not have happy marriages).   I reckon those of us who FIND legacy were all soul mates so come on here and vent anything - no one will criticise and there will always be someone willing to listen.    I am so sorry you find yourself here but if you have lost someone then this is the place to be.

Comment by Marsha H on December 3, 2013 at 5:29am

Dear Christy ...  My condolences go out to you regarding the loss of your husband. I am sad you even have to be on this forum, but want to welcome you as the members of this forum are fantastic people and we all seem to go through the same emotional upheaval of grief and no, you are not crazy, you are normal and no one handed us an instruction book on how to grieve for the loss of our spouse because we never thought that day would come so quickly.  Say what is in your heart hon and you will never be judged. We learn from each other.  When one of us falls the other members come together like angels and give comfort and reaffirm your deepest fears. We learn much from each other. 

My husband passed away in April 2011 of pancreatic/liver cancer and I know exactly how you feel (it's a nightmare I want to wake up from) and I even went so far as thinking my husband, my best friend and lover was playing a joke on me.  We weren't able to have children and I only have a very small immediate family.  My first year I was in a fog-like state and found well-meaning old friends with promising to be there for me were quickly disappearing and getting on with their own lives.  It hurt!  I was no longer 'a couple.'  A few loyal friends remained and I am making new friends this 2nd year.

Even now there are times I can feel lost as if I've been put onto a another planet and everything seems so surreal to me.  I still can have my cries, but they are now farther apart.  I can get edgy, frustrated and angry sometimes.  It's all normal so don't worry, you're not crazy.  You have your handsome little son there and he'll help keep you afloat.  Remember, he is part of you husband as well.  If you have to cry have 'shower cries' like some members do especially if children are around. 

Please just post any fears you may have or what you are feeling in your heart at the moment and we'll be there for you.

Hugs (because you need it.

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on December 3, 2013 at 5:17am

Robert ... My condolences go out to you and sorry you have to join us, but welcome as you have come to a wonderful place of warm, open friends who understand how you feel.  We all learn from each other.

My husband passed away April 2011 from pancreatic/liver cancer and my first year I was in a fog-like state and felt my heart had been ripped out of my chest.  We'd known each other 45 years and married almost 40 years (no children) and I too am shocked at all the friends that said they would be here for me and have disappeared and I have one 2 - 3 loyal ones that have stuck by me, but also many friends off this forum that have kept me glued together and made me realize my feelings are normal.  Miracles happen hon and the most unlikely people you would never guess would be there for you start to turn up.  In my 2nd year of grieving reality strikes and we can go from longing for our best friend and lover to feeling angry at them (even though it's not their fault) to crying and feeling exhausted.  I have my good/bad days, but keep moving even if I feel I'm only existing, but surprise myself at the strength I have, volunteering (giving back to others and taking my mind off myself) and I'm not crying as often as I did, but with every breath I take I miss my sweetheart.  Also, new friends have come into my life as time moves on so all is not lost. 

May I suggest you seek one-on-one grief counseling and you can go to your local Mental Health and they'll help you find someone suitable.  I had gone to grief counseling and found the same mixture you did so I went to a psychologist instead.  In the end, I found that the few loyal friends I had actually helped me the most and of course my two loyal dogs who keep me getting out on walks where I meet more people.

You'll get better, but each person grieves at their own pace so post here and say anything that is on your mind and you will never be judged.  Most of us have been there and know the trials and tribulations the road of grief can take us.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on December 3, 2013 at 5:04am

Susan ...  My deepest condolences on the loss of your beloved husband.  Welcome to this forum although I feel badly you have to be here like the rest of us. You have come to an excellent form where the members are loving, caring and understand your pain.  We can say anything in our hearts on here and not be judged. We consider ourselves extended families and I truly feel those of us who are members were led here possibly by our deceased spouses.  We are here to help others cope and to get coping skills ourselves and learning to hang onto to each other through this strange journey of grief. 

My husband passed away in April 2011 of pancreatic/liver cancer at the age of 65.  We knew each other 45 years and were married almost 40 years, unfortunately, had no children and I only have a small immediate family which is my brother, his wife and my two nephews.  I was in shock in my second year to find so many friends my husband and I knew for 20 - 40 years just simply disappear and get on with their own lives, but never considered me as still being me and keeping in touch.  I can't say it didn't hurt my heart, but I move on and make new friends and now starting to volunteer and trying my best to join the human race once again.  I still have my cries and I still miss my love very much, but, I keep thinking that I'm here and have to learn to cope and make myself useful until I see him once again and that keeps me going.

I too have two little dogs .. a female Bishon Tootsie and a male Booker T and they have been my saviors as well and get me out walking whether I like it or not or lick away my tears and sometimes cuddle up with me on the couch.  I am so happy you did get a dog as we do a warm being around the house after our loss.

Comment by Barbara Sullivan on December 3, 2013 at 12:06am

Welcome Susan, Christy and Robert -- My husband passed away in April this year.  Until I found this Legacy site, I guess I thought I was losing my mind.  People here have helped me understand that what I am experiencing is the "new normal" for me and that we all grieve in our own way -- there is no right or wrong -- and we all just try to get through one day at a time.  

There are some brave, kind souls, here.  People who are willing to share their deepest pain to help others.  Or, to put theirs aside, for a moment, in order to share yours, and let you know that they understand.

Please, check in at this site, often -- come when you are crying, come when you feel alone, come when you have a question, just come and share your daily thoughts and activities -- it will help.

Sending hugs, love and prayers to all.

Barb

Comment by Carol Kayser on December 2, 2013 at 11:43pm

I watched a show on CNN last night.  It was a show about to Heaven and back.  I had just finished watching CNN Heroes, where I was crying my eyes out, again because I am so emotional since I lost my darling.  I cry at the drop of a hat!  Anyway, this was a story about 3 people, 2 adults and a teen.   2 adults survived their journey and 1, the teen didn't.  The common thread running through the stories was the sheer overwhelming beauty and peace and spiritual love they described and received when they briefly left their bodies.  They looked down on themselves and could see people doing CPR but they were at such peace that leaving their body didn't seem to bother them.  The youngest boy had a heart defect and he actually died 4 times, when his heart stopped.  Each time he would say to his mom he saw a beautiful white light.  He would write out facecards and hold them up and express how wonderful it was and how peaceful and he wasn't afraid.  The ladies in the story talked about being surrounded by beauty and love.  Well again, the emotionality of the stories was pretty overwhelming but I had peace, peace because this is exactly how my husband described it, as he was dying.  It was the belief that there is the other side of love and no pain and acceptance and unconditional love.

So on the day he said to me 'honey I can't do this anymore' I understood, though it tore my heart out.  I know he is at peace now.

 

Thanks,

Carol

Comment by Carol Kayser on December 2, 2013 at 11:28pm

Dear Susan, Christy and Robert, I also welcome you here to a safe place where you can share your feelings and not be judged.  It's a comforting feeling to know others feel similar feelings from the loss of a spouse.  We are all grieving in our own ways and stages.  Strangely things that wouldn't have bothered me before I lost my husband now bring me to tears.  As with Diane, I miss my husband more and more each day. 

Susan - very sorry for your loss.  I used to say I was alone adrift in a lifeboat so I understand that comparison.   Slowly I've been able to get back to shore, 3 years later but it takes time, only time.  I couldn't cope for the longest time, and now I can say I am.  So baby steps on the journey.  Come back often to talk and we will offer support.

Christy, you are so young to have lost your husband, so very sorry.  Not that a loss at any age isn't a tragedy in itself but to be so young and with a young child.  It is beautiful that your son sings sometimes at his graveside, I find that very touching.  I have a granddaughter 2 1/2 and she asks me if she can sing to me, my heart practically burts out of my chest with love.  So I think your husband is singing right along with him.

Robert - so very sorry for the loss of your husband.  It is very hard to feel so lonely.  You can share here and get virtual hugs.  I hope you will reach out in your community so you don't feel so alone. 

 

Hugs,

Carol

 

 

Comment by Diane C on December 2, 2013 at 7:32pm

I would like to welcome Susan, Christy and Robert to this site. We are a mix of wonderful, caring people. We are in every stage of this journey called grief. Unfortunately we all happen upon this site for the same sad reason. I lost my wonderful husband of 25 years, 16 months ago to pancreatic cancer. He was diagnosed in July of 2011 and passed away on 8-1-12, our 25th wedding anniversary. I miss him more and more. It seems that lately, probably in anticipation of the holidays, it has gotten worse for me. I was preoccupied most of this summer with some other issues, and now I am back to mostly grieving. Not sure if I am making up for lost time or what. Again, welcome and feel free to say what is on your mind.

Diane

Comment by Robert Stewart on December 2, 2013 at 6:44pm

Tomorrow marks 2 months since I lost my husband of 24yrs. My heart aches. I am so lonely, my friends have all gone back to their lives Which I understand, but at the same time, pisses me off because now is when I need them the most. I've tried finding local grief groups but they seem to only meet once a month. I feel an emptiness that cannot be filled.

 

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