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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Diane C on October 18, 2013 at 6:36pm

Marsha,

I am so happy that the lady you met this summer has found you again. It sounds like she really needs an understanding friend right now. Bless you for opening up to her and taking her in as a friend. You are so good at that. Being a good friend to others. I would have never made it through my dark days without you in my corner and all the others on this site.

I wish you luck with the Celexa and I am glad to hear that your girlfriend will be there if you need her. I know you have had some bad reactions to other medications, but I hope and pray that this one works for you as well as the last one did. My doctor just retired in Sept. so I full know what your are  going to be going through with your doctor soon. Take care Marsha, you are always in my thoughts and prayers!! Love and Hugs to you!

Comment by Diane C on October 18, 2013 at 6:30pm

Hi Robin,

That was a huge change for you to experience. For the longest time I could not even say my husbands name without breaking down and bawling. You will find that things become easier for you as time goes on. All of a sudden  you will realize, wow, I just got through this or that a little easier than the last time. We will all still have our moments of crying and break downs, but it does ease somewhat. I remember the first time I called my bereavement counselor and I am sure she had no idea what I was saying I was sobbing so hard. I had to try to calm down and then call her back. That is what life is like for me now. When something is so difficult to deal with, I just give it time and try it again. Sooner or later, I can conquer the situation. I know you are trying to be strong for your in-laws and I applaud you for doing it. It has only been 3 months for you, so just be patient with yourself. Hang in there, you are doing good. Hugs to you!

Comment by Marsha H on October 18, 2013 at 4:51pm

Charley ...  I'm so sorry you are going through this, but it's not uncommon.  Immediate families can be divided with the loss of one's spouse to long-time friends simply disappearing.  Sometimes it's caused by burying one's head in the sand and not facing the person grieving and sometimes they are grieving as well.  You have to understand your step-daughter is grieving in her own way and along with grief (as I am sure you know) comes depression, sadness, guilt, 'what ifs' or 'should haves', remorse and on and on the list goes. It's the process of grief.  I was so into my own grief when my husband passed of pancreatic cancer in 2011 that I couldn't see at first that family on both sides and friends were also grieving in their own way.  Some simply couldn't face me without seeing my husband next to me and I have to accept that.

I don't know if you are phoning your step-daughter, emailing or texting her, but give her a little more time.  She is grieving as well.  You could send her a nice card with a note in it expressing how you realize she is grieving for her mother as well and understand and you miss her mother as well, but will be there for her and want to keep up the relationship with her and your granddaughter.  It's sure worth a try.

I know it's cruel, but often when a mother/father remarries and there are step-children involved and one spouse passes away the children of the deceased often feel that's the end of that part of the family and leave the step-father/mother out of the picture.  You do have a right to see your granddaughter.  So give the card and note a try.  Good luck.

Marsha

Comment by DesertDove on October 18, 2013 at 4:46pm

Charley

  Sorry to hear you are going thru this.  It sucks, but things like that happen all the time.   Is your Granddaughter yours biologically?  if not,  that might be a difficult issue,  but it can depend on alot of things.  Does your Step Daughter blame you in some way for her Mother's passing?  or any kind of reason like that?  It sounds like there is not a good communication line open btwn you both,  Is that correct? I know just trying to talk to the other person can be so hard even when its a Sister, as I have gone thru.  Maybe you could get a Mediator??  or a Church Pastor  to help with this Dilemma   Or how about a Social Worker from the Hospital, I now know  they are suppossed to be helpful   How old is your granddaughter??  is he/she old enough for Phone Calls or text messages?   All these things would be taken in account as to how to handle the situation.....

Comment by Charley Solyom on October 18, 2013 at 2:26pm

So what do you do when your step-daughter wants no part of you when mom dies. She is so self-centered and only thinks of herself. I want to continue to see my granddaughter but she won't reply. Hope you are all staying strong...we have to, don't we.

Comment by Marsha H on October 18, 2013 at 2:09pm

Robin ...  Thanks for understanding re the doctors.  I'm in British Columbia, Canada and my doctor is semi-retired, but said he and his partner are looking for a young GP to take over the practice and many new GPs are coming out of med school.  What hurt me the most was that my GP use to be so caring, but now it appears he's rushing just to get out the door (my appointment was at noon and he didn't have anymore patients.)  A hand on my shoulder and some encouraging words he once use to give me would have been nice.  He did talk to me and was pleasant, but that was it.  When doubt, either write out a prescription or send the patient for blood tests!  Back to square one!

I am so sorry your anniversary is coming up and I know exactly how you feel.  It's wonderful of you to take your mother on vacation and I think it will do the both of you the world of good.  You both have something in common.  You have a wonderful time and rest and just enjoy the sun and relax.  I'll be thinking of you.

It was strange how I met this lady and she looked as lost and sad as I did.  I do believe miracles happen all the time.  She still has her spouse, but I do understand when a child has passed away (no matter what their age) it's horrific and both parents generally hold in their emotions from someone and the mother always seems to have the worst grieving.  I know because my mother-in-law had a son that passed away at 25 and even though she had three other sons and a daughter you just can't replace or get over the one child you lost. 

My father passed away in 1973, my in-laws in the mid-90's and my mother in 2004 so now I live in the area where they all lived and since my husband has passed away I feel so alone because I'm the only survivor within the area I live.  Not a nice feeling.  I am lucky I have one great girlfriend and my small immediate family is good to me (I have no children.)  I try to take each blessing as best I can. 

I wish you a peaceful and great weekend Robin.  Look forward to that holiday!

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on October 18, 2013 at 1:58pm

Hi Wilela ... Thank you!  Yes, it is nice to meet this new friend.  She looks lost as well so I hope we can help each other.  She looked as lonely as I did walking along the dyke.  Generally I have my girlfriend go for walks with me, but she had to pick up her grandson from school.

I will have no alternative, but to try out the antidepressants, but Wilela, so many medications can react on me and I was even terrified to try them when Ernie was here.  My girlfriend told me that she'd be around when I start them.  Still, the feeling of an antidepressant side effect is terrifying and like one bad visit to a dentist you never forget.  Even my doctor told me yesterday that I have a unique system (body chemistry) and I don't know if that's true or he's too lazy to figure things out.  I am so tired of doctors, blood tests, etc.  It brings back so many memories of Ernie. 

Thanks for your encouraging words and concern as always my friend.

It's foggy here today, but it will eventually burn off and I hope in time to take the dogs for a walk.

I hope you have a good weekend Wilela.  You deserve it!

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Carol Kayser on October 18, 2013 at 12:40pm

Hello Robin.  I am far behind on posts but I just read your plans for taking your mom on vacation in November,  that is a wonderful and sweet gesture.  I hope you have a lovely time and come back renewed.  You and your mom have been through so much, you deserve to have a nice break away.

 

Hugs,

Carol

Comment by Barbara Sullivan on October 18, 2013 at 8:47am

Dear Robin -- How wonderful that you can give your Mom the vacation in November, with you.  We all know how important it is to do things with our loved ones while we still have them -- and I think it is very thoughtful of you to want to share this time with her, even though it was meant to be your anniversary trip with your husband.

May you share good memories and good times and return refreshed and un-stressed.  

Comment by Marsha H on October 17, 2013 at 11:12pm

Just wanted to share with you on a blessing I got today.  As some of us know when our spouses pass away some friends seem disappear for whatever reason and it is a shock (at least to me) and can be lonely.  I have made a couple of new friends, but today was such a beautiful crisp, sunny day and I took my dogs for a walk on the dyke.  Ahead of me was a lady coming towards me and when she got up to me she smiled and told me we'd met during the summer and she had been trying to find me ever since.  She is the nicest lady and my age; still has her spouse, but was sad to hear that her 53 year old son passed away from a sudden heart attack (she has 2 other sons) but she's grieving and finding it difficult.  We hit it right off and I gave her a ride home so we'll be getting together soon.  It made me feel a little more like my life is taking shape in some small way.

Also saw my doctor today about the great weight loss I had and when I weight myself on my scales I'm 94 lbs, but he said I was 98 lbs today. I asked if I could have a radioactive dye thyroid test as the blood work-up for it is not 100%, but he said he didn't want to do that and he didn't answer me when I asked why so off for another blasted blood test.  Is anyone listening?  LOL   He wants me to go on Celexa an antidepressant that will put weight on me, but I find that's just a Band-Aid.  At my age I'm trying to stay away from as many medications as possible, but at the end of my rope so will have to bite the bullet.

 

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