Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Thomas L. Trolia 1 hour ago. 8 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 16. 4 Replies

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Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on October 5, 2013 at 2:41pm

Barbara   I have had no communication from my family (a sister and 2 nieces) for two years.   My sister has always  been snippy with me and had been very critical of everything I did in Morley's memory.   I mentioned to my niece who had helped me repatriate Morley's body from Yorkshire that there were things |I knew about her father that I could really hurt my sister with but I don;t choose to gratuitously hurt anyone.   I thought is was a confidential chat and any way all I knew was that when my brother in law left my sister for another woman I had really gone to town on him and he went back to my sister but I had always wanted my sister to think he had gone back of his own accord.   Big mistake, they all now thing I know about more stuff (I presume anyway although I really don't have anything nasty to say about any of them, I thought we were a loving family albeit I sometimes had to bite my tongue when my sister came out with one of her nasty comments) and no one now talks to me.   I would have thought they would have thanked me for getting him to go back but no.    I am so very hurt as I have been very much a loving aunt and supported them (made their* clothes took them to the panto etc, they are now 61 and 58) all their lives and indeed my husband and I took my sister on holiday with us for 16 years after her husband died.   Whatever they now choose to believe they have cut me off completely.   My friends think that as my husband and I are no longer around to take the onus for their Mother off them, they will have to (at some time) pick up the slack (my sister is 10 years older than me) and that I would be an additional burden they don't want so all I did for them all their lives and for their Mother means nothing and I have to accept that the happy family unit I though I had disappeared with Morley.s death.   He was obviously the glue that stuck us together.   I tried apologising but to no avail and I no longer have any idea what else I have done that has so upset them that they no longer wish to know me.   It hurts  like hell and has I feel given me a second thing to grieve over, the loss of family. So you see Barbara, you are not alone in finding out that when the chips are down the people that you thought would really be there for you disappear in the mist.,

Comment by Marsha H on October 5, 2013 at 2:25pm

Hi Jan .... It's wonderful to see you post and glad you enjoyed the link.  No, you are not losing your mind!  I find it difficult to attend family functions as well, but I do force myself to go and sometimes I'm exhausted. Thankfully there isn't too many functions to go to.  I like one-on-one more than a group of people as I can't concentrate and, of course with grieving what do any of us have to say about what has happened in our day or week.  I use to be so extroverted and now I sometimes just sit quietly and go into my own little world.  I feel this is part of the grieving process and in due time we'll be more open, but until then others in the family or friends have the capacity to understand.  I would print out the information on that link for family and ask them to please read it (knowledge is powerful) so they can better understand how you feel.  Like you at family dinners I look at the empty chair that Ernie sat in and the heartache returns.  6 Months is so raw into grief and unfortunately for many of us we have to educate our family and friends as to how we feel.  Those that don't want to read anything we give them or listen to us I put on the back burner. 

Your family is trying to help you the best they know how by photo shopping your husband into the family picture.  They just don't get it!  This is why it's important for you to print off copies from that link I sent and educate your family on the process of grieving. I did that the first year Ernie passed away and now if I get the odd remark I 'should be over it' I ask if they even bothered to read the information and that shut them up.

Today my brother is picking me up as they are having a family b/d dinner for my nephew's 30th b/d and I feel like going like having a boil on my butt, but I'm forcing myself to go.  Then there is a 50th b/d party for a friend of mine and, like you, I'm just not in a party mood, but will attend and leave when I feel like it.

I use to love photography and took photos of family and friends on every occasion, but now, nothing because Ernie isn't here and it doesn't seem complete to me.  You are very sane my friend and I hope you print out that information from the link and start educating your family and a few friends.

Wish I could give you a big hug personally.



Comment by Jan on October 5, 2013 at 11:08am
Marsha thanks for the link. I guess I'm not losing my mind. It's been 6 months for me and I can't bring myself to attend family functions without my husband there. I can't get my family to understand even though I tell them it hurts my heart and I just can't do it. I did try a couple of months after my husband passed to sit down to a family get together meal and it was so hard for me that I never accepted another invitation. I see my family all the time as we live in the same town. I don't mind stopping by but attending parties....I'm not in the party mood. I just can't get them to understand I guess they feel 6 months has passed and I should be all better. We have a new baby in the family and they want to update our family picture for our mother. The thought of seeing a picture without my husband in it is too much for me right now. They even brought up photo shopping him in. I just think that's wierd.
Comment by Marsha H on October 5, 2013 at 6:01am

Good morning all ... I came across this great website about grieving and the stages of grieving so hope it helps all and especially the new members who have joined.

Comment by Marsha H on October 5, 2013 at 5:59am

Barbara ...  oddly enough many times some of us experience the worst from family when we automatically think we should be supported by them and not feel as if we are getting ourselves into trouble.  You did nothing wrong and make it good and clear to your family that you have just lost your spouse and in normal grieving and if they can't say something nice at all then tell them not to say anything.  Don't be afraid to stand up for the rights you have to grieve at your own pace.  If you aren't getting it from your family then find a trust friend you can talk to and also please seek grief counseling.  Hospices provide this service as well as Mental Health.  You can either be with a group of people who have had their spouses pass away or seek psychological grief counseling.

Hang in there hon and we're here for you.  Some of us have been where you are right now with family.

Big Hug (because you need it)


Comment by Marsha H on October 5, 2013 at 3:29am

Carol ... miss you to girl.  Sorry to hear about your laptop going on the fritz.  I never bother using mine as I get a backache from it.

Love the weather!  Suppose to be nice all weekend so here is hoping.  Took the dogs for a walk with my girlfriend and it was nice to feel the sun on our faces and the dogs had a blast.  Had my girlfriend and sister-in-law over Friday night, then Saturday going to my brother's to celebrate my nephews 30th b/d (makes me feel so old! LOL) 

Hope you have a great weekend to Carol.



Comment by DesertDove on October 4, 2013 at 2:35pm


I sent u my email also.  Would appreciate the communication if u r up to it.    Try to have a good day..... take care

Comment by Carol Kayser on October 4, 2013 at 2:07pm

Hi Marsha:) Miss you lady! So glad the weather is better for us. I hope you enjoy your busy weekend, so many plans for you.

I will be in touch - my laptop hasn't been working and my other computer works now but not my keyboard! Off to Best Buy I guess, LOL...


Comment by Carol Kayser on October 4, 2013 at 2:02pm

Dear Mac. I really do empathize with you - I had a real struggle with my husband's birthday (September 15th) as his 3rd anniversary was just before that (August 31st). I actually went to my family doctor because I wanted to share with him that I had this 'meltdown' over his birthday (lonliness, sadness). He assured me that it was very normal, and that it continues to be part of the process. I wasn't prepared though for the reaction over the birthday because for the 3rd anniversary I was not so upset, kind of calmer I guess. This is the tsunami of grief we all go through.

Thing of you Mac - and don't you have grandchildren? love to hear about them. I really don't know what I would do without my little Abigail, she is my joy now.


Comment by Carol Kayser on October 4, 2013 at 1:54pm

Dear Diane C. So glad to hear your house/roof is being repaired! These things take their own time don't they, but once done you will be so glad. Very proud of you for going through all that. So nice to hear from you too!



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