Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1370
Latest Conversations: 20 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele yesterday. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Carol Kayser on October 7, 2013 at 2:43pm

Hello Marsha.  Isn't it just so hard, watching all of these people loving/hugging/laughing/sharing their lives.  Yes, I am with you, I feel very left out also, the pain just deepens when we see couples because it brings every emotion to the surface.  I think this is when our loss hits us the most.  We are with a group of people and we just feel like we are stranded alone on an island.  It's witnessing an intimacy that we no longer have and that is beyond hard.


Big hugs,



Comment by Marsha H on October 7, 2013 at 2:24pm

To all ...   I was invited to my brother's home for a delicious dinner celebrating my nephew's b/d and as most of know sometimes we just seem to go through the motions and try our best to fit in, but often I feel I'm an outsider looking in and just paste a smile on my face.  It was when my brother and his wife hugged each other and then my nephew hugged his girlfriend that I almost lost it and I felt like an empty shell that I couldn't reach out and hug my sweetheart that I am so use to having close to me.  It's a strange feeling and leaves one feeling very alone and unloved.  Some people can tell you they love you be it family or a friend, but the love our spouses had for us was much stronger.  I wonder if I will ever know happiness.

Then I took the dogs for a walk and as if God was playing cat and mouse with my emotions I saw several couples of all ages holding hands which my husband and I always use to do.  Thankfully I had my sunglasses on because I was tearing up.  I felt as if someone had reached in and pulled my heart out of my chest.

I would give all I owned (just like all of you) to be with my husband, but, it will never be and I now realize in this second year of grieving it Is the sheer loneliness we feel and the prospect of ever having a fulfilled future ahead of us.  The human touch is something we all need.

Just venting.

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on October 7, 2013 at 2:18pm

Thanks Jane   I have no idea what the response from the students will be long term.    I felt it was like pulling teeth to get any questions from them.   I did take Morley's picture and showed it to them but you know Jane the young think  they have a monopoly on love and they were looking at this old, white haired woman and thinking (i am sure what can she know about love)..   Little do they know but I have I put them right that when it is the right one then the love just grows deeper and stronger the longer you are together and when one of you is taken,the devastation that is left behind for the other just wants to die also because there is no life without your soul mate.   I hope I managed to convey just a little bit of that in spite of my white hair.   Thanks again for the support

Comment by Marsha H on October 7, 2013 at 2:18pm

Barbara ...  You are welcome and I hope you print out that information re the link and give a copy to family and friends.  They need to be educated about grief and that you are going through your grief in a normal way.  I hope you are having a better day and pray you get stronger as the days go by.  Until then lean on us!



Comment by Marsha H on October 7, 2013 at 2:16pm

Jane P ...  Loved your post with the profound words.  I printed it out.  How true those words are. Miracles and kindness come to us in very strange ways.

Love & Hugs


Comment by Marsha H on October 7, 2013 at 2:15pm

Mark ...  Work is the best healer for you and you'll do just fine and I'm sure coworkers will let you lean on them a little.  I know just how difficult it is to lose your spouse and try to move forward alone in your life.  I am retired and wish I could go to work to at least pass 8 hours or more a day rather than to be home thinking of where I can go to get away from the house. 

You will always miss your wife, but work is the key to healing.  Please let us know how your day went at work.  Hang in there.


Comment by Marsha H on October 7, 2013 at 2:10pm

Marcia ....  I am very sorry your husband has passed away and although sad you have to come to a grief forum I am happy to see you here as the members are like family and we are all going through the same thing.  You can vent without being judged.

My husband passed away in April 2011 of pancreatic cancer.  I am still not over grief, but do feel in small ways I am a little better than the first year.  I think the biggest shock to me was all our long-time friends disappeared and only a very few were there for me and it made me feel as if I didn't count at all.  We had no children and I only have a very small immediate family with one brother. 

The feeling for many of us of not wanting to wake up mornings to yet face another day is very common for many of us.  I am 71 years old, but don't act or look it, but, still a double whammy of being a senior, no one will hire you because of age and I don't feel useful.  I'm trying volunteering, but that only takes up a bit of your time.  Grieving is difficult as we all know and it's the journey to find out where we fit into this world. 

As much as I miss my husband, I believe it's important to take all the love, kindness and wisdom we learned from them and pass it forward to others.  I also believe that our spouse is around us in spirit and when our time comes they'll be there to greet us.

Please lean on us and know that you are not alone with your grief and we do understand because we all experience almost all the same feelings.

Big Hugs (because you need one)


Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on October 7, 2013 at 1:11pm

Marcia   I am so sorry for your loss.   It is 3 and a half years for me now and I feel just like you - wish I wouldn't wake up.   My husband died very suddenly of an aortic aneurysm whilst we were on holiday and I have not come to terms with his death at all.   I think I was starting to but then a row blew up in my family (we had no children, one a sister and two nieces of my side),   My sister and I have never really got one she is 10 years older but my husband was determined we would be one big happy family so for 16 years we took her on holiday with us.   After his death, she criticised everything I did for him, the memorial service was too big (did she think I paid all those people to come), the tea too lavish, where I put his stone was in the wrong place and I am afraid being in the first 3 months of grief, she got it back for the first time and this time my husband (Morley) was not there to keep the peace.   Since then she and  my nieces have not been in contact.   They are 61 and 58 now and all their lives I did everything I could for them. made their clothes, took them to the panto, everything a loving aunt could do, I did and then my husband sand I took my sister on holiday with us for 16 years taking the onus off the girls.    It hurts my soul they are treating me like this.   I know my husband was the glue that stuck us together but I feel I have now have two things to grieve about and just cannot cope with that.   I long for my husband so much, I (like you) just want it all to be over and I hope he is waiting for me and we'll be together forever.   I am not very religious but think that there has to be something after this and if there is I know Morley will be right there with his hand held out to take me across the divide.   I bet that is what you hope for too.   I feel your pain as it is the same as mine

Comment by Marcia Kaul on October 7, 2013 at 12:49pm

My husband passed after a long illness nearly two years ago.  It's pathetic but I just wish I wouldn't wake up in the morning.  I've accepted that he is gone, it's just so hard to accept that I'm still here. 

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on October 7, 2013 at 12:40pm

Stacey   I hope your one year anniversary wasn't as painful as you have dreaded.   I have had three of them now and have to say, they don't really get any easier.   The first time a friend came with me but for the last two I was on my own.   I still cannot believe he is dead and all the love in the World cannot bring him back.   I would give everything I own if that could happen but know it won't.   Why oh Why couldn't we have gone together.   The pain of being left with not a soul in the World to call your own is the worst pain ever.   I never felt the need for anyone else whilst Morley was here but now feel so very vulnerable.   I hope the day passed off for you.   That is the first one over Stacey and I hope life improves for you now.   You sound quite young and deserve to have happiness in your life.   I had it in spades with Morley and wish everyone on legacy can somehow find some of that happiness again.   Just think Stacey, the day you dreaded is over now.   A hug for you because you really need it just now.


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