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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1371
Latest Conversations: Nov 8

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on October 15, 2013 at 2:52pm

Chicago Beard ....  I can feel your we eyes scanning the posts!  LOL  Bless your heart!  I have never forgotten you were the first one to welcome to this forum and I can't thank you enough.  It has saved my life literally when I've felt like giving up because of people like you.

Big hugs

Marcy

Comment by Marsha H on October 15, 2013 at 2:50pm

Dear Barbara ...  I know you must miss your children a great deal since they live in Canada (I live just outside of Vancouver, B.C.) and we have already celebrated ours.  My husband would help out as well and now I just don't have the energy or my mind wrapped around big dinners any longer.  I am aiming towards a week before Christmas to try a buffet instead for family and a few friends. 

You are so brave Barbara and very kind during your own grief to think of your sister and what she is going through and this is a huge emotional time for you. It seems for many of us since our spouses passed away that we are faced with other tragedies in our lives and I can't understand why as grieving takes up so much energy. I am so sorry you are having to deal with the grieving of your husband and now, believe it or not, grieving for your sister already and I know like most of us would feel it's difficult to know we don't have control over making those we love get better.  May I make a suggestion by saying that there are many caterers out there that actually cook turkeys and deliver them it to your home and that would be a big help and give your more time to talk with your sister instead of feeling exhausted. It's more important you visit and talk over things than the actual meal.

It is so kind of you that you are taking your sister to the Oncologist and I know just how difficult it can be for you after going through a difficult time with your husband as it opens old wounds.  Not long after my husband passed away I had to go to the same hospital, many of the same areas of the hospital my husband was in for surgery and I was terrified and didn't want to be reminded of the pain, but, suddenly the day I went I was as calm as could be and matter of fact.  I know you will do just fine being there for your sister and bless you for being there for her.

Barbara, I have asked the same question as to why my family is going through so much so soon after my husband's death and I know I can be strong.  My brother has been diagnosed with prostate cancer and it's made more complicated because he's diabetic and also is on blood thinners and could have a danger of a blood clot so he is seeing an Oncologist to try a different method 'Radiation seeds.'  He is my only sibling and he's 6 1/2 years young than myself.  I often wonder why God puts these obstacles in our way and try to find the reason without much success.  I know these things can make us stronger, but we do need a break every so often.

I can't begin to imagine how you must have felt regarding your sister's conversation about what she wanted for her son, but she does sound like a realist and had planned well for what lays ahead for her.  I know you must feel you are going through another nightmare of worry and mixed emotions. You have a great attitude Barbara that Chris would want you to do what you do best ...  being kind, being strong and being there for those that need you.  That's how I try to live my life. 

You certainly have my prayers and I always believe in miracles.

Take care Barbara and don't forget to rest yourself when you  have the chance.

Big hugs (because you need it)

Marsha

 

 

 

 

 

Comment by Chicago Beard on October 15, 2013 at 2:05pm

Even though I do not comment near as often as I used to I too start my day to read what folks are posting. Sometimes, like today, I am moved to make a comment but rest assured I am with you all every day even if it is only as an observer. This site did more too help me with my grief than anything else I involved myself with. 

Comment by Barbara Sullivan on October 15, 2013 at 6:26am

Thanks to Robin and Diane C for your prayers -- and to Anna May for friendship and the uplifting verses.  I try to start my day, each morning, by coming here to this forum -- I am so grateful for the sharing of  those who have made it through their holidays, anniversaries and milestones -- it lets me know what I may expect, it helps me feel "normal", and it encourages me to face the days ahead.  

Missing Chris so much and so fearful for the future --

Barbara

Comment by Marsha H on October 15, 2013 at 5:54am

Diane C ...  Thanks so much and I'm proud of those who have either gone out for dinner or the BIG ONE ... cooking it.  Even when my husband was alive I wasn't all that great when it came t cooking turkeys ... either over-done or waiting for what seemed an eternity for it to be done.  Never the same twice and I'm considered a good cook.  LOL 

Yes, we do reminisce over our spouses not being with us, but I have to say after 2 1/2 years it has been a bit easier for me, but very lonely and of course I know he's with me in spirit, but there is still that hole when it comes to seating at the dinner table that gets me.  If this keeps up I'm going to have to get one of those male blow-up dolls to sit at a chair!

You bet that parchment paper works like a dream!  You can generally get it of course in the bakery department by the wax paper, tin foil, etc., and if not there look further down the baking aisle.  It's wonderful for making buttery cookies as well.  REMEMBER, put the cookie sheet on the middle rack as well. 

I pray and hope things are going easier for you my dear friend.

Love & Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on October 15, 2013 at 5:49am

Robin ...   You are very welcome and that's what we're all here for as we all have that one bond ... missing our spouses.  I think your idea of waiting until your husband's headstone is in place is a better idea.  You have not let your husband down one bit by not visiting his gravesite. Most of us believe their spirit has left the body and some of us believe their spirit is around us protecting and guiding us.  When the time is right you will know. 

It is true the anniversary will be tough on you, but something some of us do is buy a nice big helium balloon, write a message on it to him and let it fly to the skies.  I did this on our wedding anniversary August 12, 2013.  I'd like to think my husband was there to catch the balloon.

All special occasions and holidays are difficult and as time goes by it will be less traumatic.  I still can't have big dinners at my home and can only handle about 3 - 4 people at a time and it's been 2 1/2 years since my husband passed away.  I simply don't have the energy.  Your mom will be fine and just plan something nice to look forward to for the two of you. 

We're always here for you hon.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on October 15, 2013 at 5:42am

Stacey ... It's so good to hear from you and I'm so very happy things are coming together for you and your little guy.  Also glad to hear you both enjoy the support group as they can be very helpful.  Good luck on finding your car Stacey as it's a real necessity for many.

Please keep us posted and thanks for noticing Carol and I had a good day.  We made it! 

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by stacey on October 14, 2013 at 9:33pm

Hi all. Happy Thanksgiving to those celebrating today. I had my first group meeting today with that new support group. Its was really kind of helpful to find people around me going thought the same thing. My son loved it also I may have found another babysitter for him. I think it will be beneficial to both of us. Also still working on my car I'm going car shopping again tomorrow. Marsha and Carol I'm glad to had a good day.

Comment by Diane C on October 14, 2013 at 6:00pm

Barbara,

You are being such a rock for your sister. I don't know where you get your strength from, but you are a great example for the rest of us. Some of us are just dealt a much tougher hand than others.  You are handling this situation with great courage. I will keep your sister in my prayers for her visit with the oncologist next week.

Hugs to you!

Comment by Diane C on October 14, 2013 at 5:43pm

Hi Robin, I would also like to welcome you to our forum. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your dad and your husband. You have really been through a lot in such a short period of time. You have found a great group with some wonderful people. We are all one big family and someone is always here for you, when you need someone. Some of us come and go, but most of us read all posts every day, and try to comment when we feel we have an answer you need or just to be there when you need someone to chat with. Feel free to vent or ask any questions you may have. We have all been in your shoes, although we are all in different stages of our grief. I lost my husband a year ago (8-1-12) to pancreatic cancer.

Hugs...

 

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