Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Navigating Widow-hood

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Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31, 2020. 13 Replies

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Comment by Steve G. on July 13, 2019 at 7:22am

Mary Jane,

Your beliefs are not worrisome or strange, life itself is a complete mystery to me.  My thoughts these days tells me that I have learned a great many lessons and I believe that is why we are who we are.  There are many mysteries in this life if we just take time to notice them, there are more grains of sand on any beach than the mystery's of this world.  Helps me to accept the fact that I do not have "all the answers".  

Once when I was 19 and in the US Navy, my ship pulled into a small town in Italy, San Remo.  As soon as I stepped onto the land, a kind of shock wave went thru me, I felt as if I had been there before, I was familiar with the city and it's streets instantly.  My shipmates with me asked "what's wrong", I said nothing, let's get something to eat.  One asked where, so I said follow me.  We found ourselves in a local restaurant off the beaten path of tourists and had one of the best 6 course meals ever!  In the window was a sign that said Tourist special today (in English) $2.00 American.  Of course my shipmates were surprised and delighted that I found this place and all of them said surely you have been here before.  I kept my secret by saying that my Uncle had been to this same town when he was in the Navy (which was a secret little lie).  I felt at home there and to this day the memories of our 1 week stay there will forever haunt me.  I believed then and now, the memories must have been from a previous life, although it went against all the religious teachings I had as a child.

The most important lesson any one of us can have is learning to Love one another as we love ourselves and to pass it forward.  Who knows, we may be passing someone who just needs someone to smile and say hello.  I believe anything and everything is possible and we make the choices we do to learn from our highs and our lows.

So take heart dear sister, we are never really alone.  I am so happy for your dream and hearing Bob's voice.    



Comment by Mary. Jane on July 12, 2019 at 11:53pm

What a sweet reply, Frances...maybe I will take u up on the game thing when everything quiets down.

Don,t worry about not communicating with your loved you said..u feel him in everything around you. I think it was about 10 months after he died, when I had the first dream with him in it..but he is here...I saw a stunning red dragon fly twice here..I had never seen one that color...and I saw a YELLOW monarch butterfly a few days around me..and he still FINDS things for me..things I misplace...I don,t even bother to look for misplaced items anymore..I just ask Bob where the item is, and it is the next place I look. It happens too frequently to be co-incidental. 

No, it was time for me to move and be with my daughter...I am going to be 73 in September, and who knows how much longer I will live? After Bob died, I sat in his chair for 3 years watching Golden Girl reruns...and I need to start living again. 

Francis..if you feel him...why don,t you ask him if he can visit you in a dream? Can,t hurt. But I also get the feeling those recently passed have some sort of “work” they have to do in heaven before they can visit us. Yes, I know that sounds strange, but I think they have lessons to be learned from the life they just left...and then they can contact us..or not. There is so much we need to know...but  we just have to be patient. Some people never feel their loved ones after they pass, so we are blessed. But I also believe we will see them in our next life..and we have been with the same people for a lot of lives. Yes, I believe in re-incarnation...but I respect the beliefs of all people...and so many believe death is final. I just don,t happen to be one of them...and I find it comforting to think we will be together for many different lives. 

I know Bob was my soul mate. The minute I met him, I felt a shockwave in my heart...and I knew we were meant for each other.   I married him 8 months later...and it lasted 49 years. Ok, my rambling sounds like I have gone over the edge, but I assure you, I do not drink alcohol, or do any drugs...this is just what I choose to believe. 

Comment by Frances C Younger on July 12, 2019 at 11:22pm

How can we help?  Do you like Words with Friends on Facebook, or Scrabble?  When my Mom passed away, my Dad played Scrabble and Poker online every night with online friends.  I am in NC, and not sure of the time difference.       

I do understand how you feel - kind of like when I was in Germany and my stuff was in the US.  I was young and pro active about meeting people.  There in Ca.  I would find the heat hard to deal with.  But I would fill up my tub, and be in it as often as I need it to keep cool!!  I would have cold drinks, books, fans and my computer in my bathroom!!  I felt you were moving too quickly, but we have to make decisions.  I am glad you had a wonderful dream with conversation.  It has been 5 months, and I have not.  Yet, like so many of us, I do feel him here.  Prayers for you.  It is a struggle.

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 12, 2019 at 11:03pm

I forgot to address the realtor issue. My realtor was a ****. Sorry, but she was. The bad part was I really LIKED her..but she lied to me...she didn,t fight for MY SIDE..but caved in at all the BUYERS demands! I thought of firing her, and hiring the buyers realtor. And I am the one that paid everyone’s commission! 

And I am appalled at how much $$$$$$$ everything costs..and everyone has their hand out. I wish I had been able to stay in Oklahoma...and I cannot believe I just typed that. 

One GREAT when I took a nap..Bob was with me, and he TALKED to me! In his voice! It had been so long since I had heard his voice! The dream didn,t make sense, but this is the first time he EVER spoke directly to me!!!  It was wonderful.

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 12, 2019 at 10:55pm

Thanks, Steve..yes moving is a nightmare. Hopefully my stuff will arrive this weekend..I checked my bill of lading, and NO WHERE does it havemy correct phone number or my cell phone number..just my old one! Now I am worried..and the broker in Oklahoma doesn,t work weekends! They do havemy daughters number, but she will be flying back to CA an airplane...and I can live without my stuff..but I only took 3 weeks of medication with me when I flew out..I will be out of my meds on Wednesday! I will have to go to an urgent care Dr here. 

Then I got a note in my mailbox, from a neighbor  asking me to turn off my porch light at night, as it shines right into their bedroom. I dunno why they waited until today to tell me...I am finding it hard to realize that crime is lower here..and the light doesn,t need to b on all night. It just seems it is one thing after another. 

But, like you said..hopefully there will b a happy ending.  Thank you for sharing that story.

Comment by Steve G. on July 12, 2019 at 4:14pm

When we moved to Dallas, we spent 3 weeks in one pf those extended stay places while looking for our home.

Each night was an adventure, a lot of transit and truckers stayed there as well.

We did not go out at night and spent the day looking for a home, plus we were not impressed by our realtor.  Just made everything appear worse.  On the day we found our home, it was the last one on the list and we were ready to fire pir realtor.

We closed in just one week and then the furniture arrrived.  The truck was to big and had to go back and load everything on a smaller truck...and it cost us$$! That we were not want ing to pay, but we did.

Tweeks later the ac compressor died and we were out more money....the list goes on.  Once we stsrted un packing thinhs began to simmer down and now we can look back and laugh...sort of.

Just take each fay as it comes and vent here so we know you are ok.



Comment by deborah peck on July 12, 2019 at 9:54am

also my daughter hated her skylights so she covered them up with sticky shelve paper, hope this helps Mary Jane

Comment by deborah peck on July 12, 2019 at 9:52am

Im so sorry Maty Jane that you are unhappy. hopefully when your things arrive it will start feeling like home. I agree with Marsha go for walks in the evening and reach out to your neighbors, you will get the hang of the tv in no time

Comment by Marsha H on July 12, 2019 at 5:56am

Dear Mary.Jane ...  I am so sorry you are going through this.  Once you get your things from the movers and get familiar items in your new place you will feel much better.  I don't like heat myself and I know what you are going through, but at least I have A/C.  It's no wonder you are depressed doing the big move in the first place and nothing to give you shade in your place and not knowing anyone.  Try getting to know some of your neighbors.  If you can afford it buy a filter to keep the pollen in check inside your home.  

Happy to hear there is nothing seriously wrong with your kitty.  Just tips here:  Put on the radio with music; go out for an evening walk when it's cooler.  You will make new friends for sure my friend.  Just hang on and remember your daughter's husband is there so you aren't totally alone.



Comment by Mary. Jane on July 11, 2019 at 4:29pm

So far I hate here. NOTHING is the same..NOTHING. There is no local TV in this area, so I have to watch ROKU, SLING etc...

Maybe when my stuff gets here, I will feel better..but it is SO HOT and no A/C   just that noisy thing called a swamp cooler...and the sun sets in my living room which has high windows with no shades and the kitchen has a huge skylight the sun burns down thru it every afternoon.....and Rudy had to see a vet yesterday..he was sneezing repeatedly...I was SO SCARED...but it is from the POLLEN that is HORRIBLE here..all these seniors have gardens...and there is a pine tree in back of my house...and I am kinda depressed.ok I am REALLY depressed...Melinda is on a business trip this week..her hubby took us to the vet...

The one GREAT thing? The former owners had a HUGE good washer & I am able to wash the sheets and blankets to get off the damn pollen that comes thru the windows. (and I REALLYlike doing laundry anyway).i walked a few blocks today, and realized I REALLY have to quit smoking..but I am too stressed. And it is going to be al,ost 100 degrees when the moving guys come. Each morning when I wake up, I realize where I am and wonder why bother getting out of bed?


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