Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.
Latest Conversations: Nov 8
This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.
Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21.
Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24.
Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22.
I so agree with you in hoping that everything we share here gives hope and encouragement to anyone reaching for some understanding of their pain and loneliness upon losing their beloved - whether spouse, partner, or friend. I concur too with your belief that we can learn from our losses - about ourselves, about those left still around us, and especially about love.
I was in the hospital when my husband Larry passed, and sometime within the first 48 hours I was asked a question by a nurse. The entire hospital staff was aware of what had transpired, and I honestly felt like I was surrounded by angels every minute. Voices were filled with concern and quiet respect, from the housekeepers to the kitchen service. The question was asked by one particularly kind nurse who had been taking care of Larry as well as myself during her rotations to different floors and departments. She asked if I was mad at God, because she would understand if I felt that way. I remember pausing before answering her to actually search my heart. Finally I looked her in the eye and quietly said "No, I'm not mad at God. I just ask Him to give me the strength to get through this, because I know I can't do it without help."
That's the way I still feel, and in finding Legacy and this loving family, He certainly did direct me where my request was answered favorably.
Peace to you tonight Diamond, and thank you for sharing your uplifting thoughts -
Stephanie, sadly, I can top this. A very close friends husband has a doctorate in research, and about 7 years ago, he was working for a research Corp that had been developing a specific drug that targeted a certain type of cancer..(I don,t know what specific type cancer it was.) he was there for about ten years..researching and testing, developing, etc...and the results were wonderful. After around 10 years, in a blind study, 90% or more of the patients who were given this drug were cancer free, or on the way to being so. It was wonderful! It was a miracle! The drug was proven to work, there was joy among the Drs...they were done with the research, it was submitted to the FDA, they were just waiting on the FDAs approval to release this medicine. Joy abounded. Bob and I even bought stock in the company..this was a sure thing...sick people who once had no hope got well! What could go wrong???
Unbelievably, the FDA. DENYED the patent..and scrapped the tests. The reason? It was such a rare type of cancer, this drug cured, the FDA deemed it NOT PROFITABLE to grant whatever they grant to drug companies. The company, the drs the patients were absolutely STUNNED! They tried to fight it, but Big Pharma won. The company dissolved, the formerly elated research team went their separate ways, and I have no idea what happened after that. The drug wasn,t developed for the market. The ONLY joy that came from this miracle was the test patients were cancer free.it still shocks me to even write about it here. It was a HUGE wake up call for so many people..it is all about $$$$$$$$, not curing cancer.
Andnow, also, the drugs that DO make it to the market and get FDA approval have vague test results. They used to test drugs on people, or prisoners that volunteered..but now, not so much. Big Pharma figures if a few thousand people die from New marketed drugs, it is considered collateral damage..and the money they are making off the patients who take these drugs is worth people who are dying anyway, die sooner from side effects of these new drugs.
“Oh well” just listen to the meds advertised on TV (which is illegal in a majority of other countries..but not HERE! Push this drugs...get that money..that is all they think of. It was a HUGE wake up call for a lot of people involved in caring for these sick people, and for friends, and investors like Bob and I we never viewed the world quite the same again. Our disalusionment and disappointment for our tiny INvolment in a cure for cancer was palatable, and heart breaking..that money trumped life.
As for my friend the research Dr...he found another job..researching skin creams for a cosmetic company..but it was not what he went to school for..and something died in him after this. He wanted to “make a difference “ all his life, and this kicked him in the teeth. This is what our world has become.
Diamond, I agree with you, that was well said...but since I lost my husband, I seem to be obsessed with trying to SAVE everyone else from dying...my family,friends, even my CAT. Realistically, I know people die...and the older I get, I understand that it is the “circle of life”, but that doesn,t help my fears. if I don,t hear from my daughter all day, my brain goes to the worst case scenario...and my cat, who is my baby, is an older kitty..and I want him to live at least 20 years...yeah, I know..he could die at anytime..so I pray he doesn,t die instantly, as that would send me over the edge.
Am I the only one who feels this way? I want to gather everyone I know, and be able to protect them from dying. And that is a huge cause of my daily fear and stress, as it is a impossible mission, and only God can do that.
I just wanted to post a link to an interesting article from NPR:
Peace to my grief brothers and sisters
Thank you Deb and Chuck. I feel so much better since I read your posts.
Chuck, now they MAKE the driver stay for the entire procedure...just think..I bet YOU helped change that rules, so it will never happen to another person! I think they call it the CEN rule! Actually, wouldn,t that be cool if your experience helped change things?
i know this isn,t the place for this, but kids, be wary of an email from APPLE with a receipt for something expensive you bought from the Apple store..my first inclination was to click on the password link after clicking to their home page..which is a VERY good copy..but luckily my brain kicked in and I DIDN,t. I rarely get phishing emails..but I reported it. And, no, I wasn,t really charged almost $500 for a drone lol.
yes, Chuck and Deb..these surprise unexpected waves of grief from out of no where really suck..just when we think we r dealing with it, something comes and kicks us in the gut, rendering us helpless...but we get through it..thanks to THIS PLACE.
I have to start monitoring my food on Friday, so Thursday when I go to the market to get fun items like broth and GatorAide I plan to buy myself a mini cake from their bakery and eat the entire thing. LOL. The darn procedure isn,t scheduled till 1 PM!!!!! And I cannot take my arthritis meds that morning! So I hope I can WALK lol. I plan to try and sleep very late that morning. Lol. Can,t even have COFFEE! only my BP meds. Guess they don’t want me to have a stroke which is very generous of them. Lol (yes, I know the dangers of taking most of my med, then topping them off by putting me out.
Ok kids, bye for now...
ohh btw, Chuck...I think most of his paints have dried out, and I do a bit of artwork so I am keeping the brushes...but I had NO IDEA what to do with his Matt Cutter a huge, possibly dangerous object which I do not know how to operate.. but a few weeks ago, a high school art teacher in a poor school, came to my door, running for office here..making sure she was a Democrat, I asked if she could use it, she was delighted. I gave it to her! Yay! What r the chances of an needy art teacher arriving at my door ? Kismet. And, yes, I voted for her today! Byeeeee
How true are your words - I seem to be reminded when I least expect it that my life is not "normal" since losing Larry, and it is hard to verbalize that to people who either haven't had such a loss, or know me only recently as someone with Steve and who should be happy-go-lucky.
Yesterday I learned of the passing of an old friend's husband, and ti quite shook me up - more so than I ever would have expected it to do. I had been in their wedding, and although Larry and I hadn't seen them for quite a while, the news suddenly brought out a wave of memories and emotions for which I wasn't prepared, and which seem to be multiplying as I learn of the sad details of his passing. My friend and their children are right now being overwhelmed with all the terrible feelings of guilt, anxiety, and uncertainty that we all recognize here as accompanying fresh relentless grief. I am trying to make myself as available to her as I can from a distance, and over the next few days I pray that maybe my being brought back so abruptly to my own grieving I will find more clearly the words to help her through this dark time.
I must say, being three years along in my journey without Larry I thought I had a rather better grip on my grieving than this, but apparently one can still be ambushed when we aren't looking.
Wishing you and everyone here peace today, and thanks for listening -
Dear Mary Jane,
I just read your post from yesterday, and want to reply. First, I thought if you have a high school or college near you, you can call them and ask if they accept donations of art supplies for students - I gave mine to a friend's daughter who was studying art before my move from NJ, and it was much appreciated.
About having to scramble to get a ride for your medical appointment, let me share this with you. I was scheduled quite early for a procedure that required me to appear at the hospital by 6 AM on a weekday. After days of searching for a ride, a friend said her brother, who lived close to me and worked close to the hospital, said he would be glad to take me. We knew each other, so I accepted, and he showed up promptly and was pleasant and sympathetic to my loss of Larry. He gave me his cell number to have the recovery room call and arrange for him to pick me up later that morning.
Hours later, as I was coming out of anesthesia and sitting up, a nurse asked for another number as they couldn't reach him. I had only the one, so gave them his wife's name and said to call the place of business and have them call her, so she could call him.
It seems he worked in a lab and turned off his phone when working, so his wife called his assistant and had her interrupt him telling him to get me. I waited for hours in a chair in the recovery room, nurses passing by whispering to each other and occasionally asking if there wasn't someone else I could have them call. I just looked at them blankly and kept saying that no, I was all alone.
So my friend, I know well the feeling you describe of feeling isolated and all by yourself. It's a pretty awful feeling to be sure, and I'm so sorry you are dealing with it right now. All I can offer is the dubious comfort of knowing that you are not alone in feeling all alone.
As you recognize, your world has and will continue to change. This is unavoidable as much as we wish it were not so. All we can do is our best - no one - not even ourselves - can ask more of us than that.
Wishing you a peaceful day and hang in there - it won't be easy to believe this now, but there will be a day ahead when all this moving stress will be behind you and while it will feel strange and even empty at times, it will also be a tremendous relief - please believe me.I know whereof I speak.
dear Stephanie, it takes a long time to feel normal again, if that is even the right word. Its been 1 year this May for me and its still not sunk in yet, or maybe I wont let it, sometimes I feel like I have a grip on the reality of it but then I find myself pretending he is still coming back,I was 60 when my husband passed but a friend told me to go to the social security office to see if I could qualify for early retirement being 60 or over and yes I did to my surprise but be careful because staying at home is really hard all the time and am now looking for a part time job to get me out of the house more. My mom passed too after doing chemo and radiation, something I wish she hadn't done so maybe she could've enjoyed what time she had left more, everyone wants more time but sometimes that isn't whats best for them or us but as thye say hindsight is 20/20
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