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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Sara Murphy on July 26, 2018 at 7:57am

Steve,  I'm so glad you and Chuck enjoyed your night out.  I'm trying to envision you bopping in your chair to the music.  It's nice that you allowed music back into your life.  Mark wouldn't want it any other way.  He and Larry were probably bopping along right beside you and Chuck.

Comment by Mary Nola on July 25, 2018 at 7:34am

Yes

Comment by Steve G. on July 25, 2018 at 7:29am

From Learning in Life;  Finding old music you used to love is like getting back in touch with an old friend.

I love this quote, there was a time after Mark's passing that I banished music from my life.  Mark loved music and we had it everywhere and on all our electronics, and yes we both had the same tastes.

Now when I hear these songs I cannot sit still, I do not get up and dance, but I am sitting there bouncing along (even if only in my mind).  Those songs take me away from whatever mood I happen to be in and makes it better.  Such was the occasion this past Sunday when Chuck and I went with friends to see a live performance of "Pricilla Queen of the Desert".  OMG I could not sit still, the play lasted 3 hours with a 20 minute intermission, time flew by, I laughed out loud for real and enjoyed all the songs I remembered from that time.

Some of the songs I knew Mark was sitting there bouncing along with me with Bella our dog looking at us as if we were truly crazy....love memories like those, helps with coping...

Sara...I too would be going to work, I hated it when I was sick and alone.  The second day after Mark passed I showed up at work, I told my boss I was going crazy sitting at home.  He made sure that everyone was prepared and everyone at work helped me more than they will ever know.  Keeping busy was my medicine and everyone understood.  My boss did restrict my hours, for my own good and I called out every other day or so due to being exhausted.  So I do understand your need to return to work, if nothing more as a distraction - that was how I viewed it for me.  Sending you hugs and keeping you in my prayers as always...

your brother

Steve

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 24, 2018 at 9:17pm

I DIDN,t know that movie was a play..or musical. I loved that movie, but always got it mixed up with To WONG FOO..etc.

Gee, I should watch it on Netflix..cuz it used to be on all the time..but TV really sucks lately. 

Thats Terrance Stamp, right? Omg I feel about 300 years old lol.

thank you for sharing,Chuck..even tho I might have heard any stories before, I always find comfort in the retelling of them.

Comment by Sara Murphy on July 24, 2018 at 9:12pm

Chuck.....You really do have a way of writing.  The rabbit hole is a good analogy but I can't go down it (much as I might like to some days).  When I finally reunite with Ken, I want him to be proud.  He had such a zest for life, I need to honor that as much as possible. 

It's funny how sometimes you don't realize you've made an impression.  I guess I never realized that our unconditional love was coming through on these pages.  I feel the same of all the folks here.  Everyone has such a deep unconditional love and it is clear in everyone's writing.  This is why we all understand each other. 

Much love right back at you.

Sara

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 24, 2018 at 9:08pm

SARA?..really? Take some time off...unless you are the type of person who’s work is cathartic...please take care of yourself.

Comment by Sara Murphy on July 24, 2018 at 8:53pm

Mary Jane.....Yes, this was unexpected.  Only now do I realize I hadn't felt quite right but also didn't realize there was a real reason for it.  I do feel better now, only incisional discomfort.  I'm actually going into work tomorrow for 1/2 day.

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on July 24, 2018 at 7:59pm

Dear Mary Jane,

Your time at the movie, and the earlier discovery of the drawing you had made of Bob, really hit me. We really do all go through the same things despite the distances and circumstances that are between us.

Sunday, Steve and I joined two friends to see a stage production of "Pricilla, Queen Of The Desert". Those familiar with the play or movie will understand that this is a comedy but with some very human elements woven into the story. Early on, there is a funeral scene that ends up being a campy production number done to the song "Don't Leave Me This Way", in which the grieving widow/husband attempts to keep the attention focused on her in black mourning garb, and the audience roared. I laughed politely a few times, but inside I was a million miles away - you know where I was.

Later in the play, there was a touching rendition of Cindy Lauper's "True Colors", and that is when I almost had to get up and leave. Only some very precarious stairs down to the lobby and a narrow dark passage prevented me.

I will never hear that song without thinking of Larry, and how much he loved that song. I wonder if I will ever get used to this vulnerability to outside stimuli bringing on such sudden feelings of pining for a man...a time...a place that exist now only in my memory - and my heart.

Be well, my friend -

Love, Chuck

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on July 24, 2018 at 7:12pm

Dear Sara,

My friend, you have had more on your plate than anyone deserves all at one time, and I am so sorry for the timing of everything. Feeling not only overwhelmed but as though you've gone down the rabbit hole is perfectly understandable, and I do indeed know what you are saying about Ken not being there with you. I felt exactly the same. The care and concern of people around us is of course appreciated and welcome, but our true source of strength isn't here to grab onto and cling to for comfort and tenderness.

That said, I will tell you something to which I may have already alluded in the past, so please excuse me if I repeat myself. Those many days and nights, spent alone watching the hours pass as if from some distant desolate place in the universe, I felt loneliness, despair, and hopelessness that surrounded me in cocoon of isolation and what I truly suspected was a form of madness. It was at those very times, sitting staring at Larry's photo across the room, listening repeatedly to the same CD's he favored while silently (or sometimes not so silently) weeping, that I felt Larry come close to me, filling me physically and emotionally with a source of strength and hope that I had only  know for 32 years when he held me in his arms.

That, my sweet friend, is how I did it, and I promise you that it will be the same for you, because you have taught us all something about Ken. By sharing your unbounded love for him since coming to our family, you have shown that only a man who had the same true devotion for you could inspire such deep feelings. We here are all familiar with that incomparable unconditional love. So I know that ken is and will continue to be near to you every minute through your healing, both from your surgery and your terrible loss of your father.

I pray that you will feel his presence, and also all the love pouring out to you from your family here.God bless you.

Again I send you many big hugs and much love from your old friend Chuck

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 24, 2018 at 4:43pm

Thank you, Deb

Sara..omg...was this an unexpected gall bladder surgery? On top of everything else? I am so sorry. In 2003 I had an unexpected emergency gall bladder surgery...and although they jerked me around for 2-3 days as they DIDN,t have anyone to do a sonogram, and they weren’t sure it was my gall bladder, by the time they finally decided to operate..I almost died. Spent 5 days in the hospital with what is usually an elective in and out surgery...makes one afraid of.the competentsie of some Doctors. .BOb was scared so badly, as his favorite artist, Andy Warhol, nearly died from gall bladder surgery...

i hope you are feeling better soon...take it really easy..don,t lift anything and REST!!  You have had enough to deal with in a very short time, and you deserve a huge break..

On a good note..if you have had ongoing stomach pain or problems..(I had for YEARS b4 my surgery) you will feel like a new person, and the healing time is pretty fast..and there is no scaring of your abdomen! 

 

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