Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Terry Kent Mar 7, 2022. 6 Replies


Started by Julie. Last reply by DJ Dec 6, 2020. 1 Reply

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31, 2020. 13 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on June 3, 2019 at 5:09am

Trina ...  I always look forward to seeing you post!  Miss you!

You are also right about cancer and more and more people who have the type of cancer which has little cure are opting out on Chemo or Radiation.  It is a nasty disease and takes so many lives.  

Smart that you left a living Will.  You bet cancer is a million dollar business and if you mention anything to your doctor or get angry about it they either stay quiet or like what Mary.Jane said they can get uppity, but they know more than they are saying.  I know, my family doctor that retired we had many conversations about this very thing.

I too talk to Ernie every day and sometimes I can feel him around me.  I think we'd be in shock if they actually answered us!

I hope you are doing much better my dear friend.



Comment by Trina Mamoon on June 3, 2019 at 12:40am

Mary Jane and Marsha,

What you say about cancer is so true. When I was growing up, cancer was very rare, but these days it is rampant. People get it all the time and especially younger people as well. Joseph died of lung cancer, so he and I were like you two with your spouses who had to endure the horror that cancer wreaks. I am very sorry that we had to face the terrifying feeling, the disbelief and the feeing utter of helplessness and despair cancer brings.

I, too, left it in my Living Will, that if I were diagnosed with cancer, no chemo, no radiation, just relief from pain. Cancer is a billion dollar business, and I don't want to give more business to the cancer industry.  

And Mary Jane, thanks for sharing here that you talk to your husband all the time. Now I know that I am not crazy, and that  I am not the only one who has daily conversations with my deceased husband. For me, I talk to Joseph all the time just like I did when he was alive. Only difference, I answer back to myself for him! LOL!

Be well, all of you here, our family in grief. Only we know what it takes to go on living and survive day after day after the love of our life is gone. So much pain, so much wearing a mask of normalcy, so much of always trying to seem "normal" to the world. It's all so exhausting... 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on June 3, 2019 at 12:25am

Chicago B, I wanted to chime in and say I fully empathize with you as you silently marked your 39th anniversary. The birthdays and the anniversaries are the hardest to face and endure. For many of us on this site everyday is a struggle (it is still for me almost five years after my beloved's death) but the anniversaries and the birthdays are the marker days that cause us the most pain. Thinking of you on your tough day and sending healing vibes to you.

Comment by Marsha H on June 2, 2019 at 12:47am

Mary.Jane ...  I have to say I agree on what you said.  I already have it in my Will, no Chemo or radiation and just pain relief, but also Euthanasia is legal in Canada (a few creases in it, but it's here) and I have that in my Will as well.  I don't want to be in palliative care.   There is an outbreak of cancer we are seeing and I have no idea where it's coming from.  You are right, back in the day you hardly heard on cancer and heart disease was the at the forefront. 

Morbid subject so I'll stop posting.  I just wanted to answer your post because I was so angry Ernie passed from pancreatic cancer.  

Comment by Mary. Jane on June 1, 2019 at 10:21pm

Ok,I am sorry,.but I have to say a few words about the cancer “industry”. I will keep it light, but I have decided if I were to ever get cancer, I will have palitive  care only. Bob had 4 months from diagnosis to death...but every day was spent in some fruitless effort to “stop” something that wasn,t going to stop. The first 2 months before it progressed we could have spent time enjoying life, not schleping into a cancer center every day getting false hopes and treatments that never worked. There was a bell at the center that was supposedly rung every time someone was “cured” which I never heard ring. I don,t have a filter on my words, and one day, disgusted at any sign of ANY progress, after so many things tried, or light at the end of the tunnel, I actually said to one of Bobs Drs “you don,t want a cure for cancer! It is a 3 billion $ a year business.” To my SHOCK, the Drs actually got red in the face, and shouted back “Yes we do!” Like little kids in a playground. If I was to be diagnosed with this disease, I would go on a wonderful vacation, with people I love, before it gets least I would have great memories, and know I chose to die on MY terms.

I truly believe that some day people will discover  Cancer is man made, and given to people. Something in our food, or soil, or something is very wrong...when I was a kid, in the 50’s and 60’s  it was VERY rare to know someone who had cancer. What changed? Now they even have GREETING CARDS for cancer! 

I am almost 73, and have maybe 10 good years left...and I think that something  is very very wrong with this world...and we are helpless to stop it. Ok I will get off the soapbox now. Thanks for letting me vent. I wish all of you who had to endure months of false hope some comfort...

yes, I have more to say..on a different subject..about how I feel that even tho our loved ones are gone, I feel they are still here with us...and that belief helps me get through the day...because I KNOW Bob is still here with me...I can feel him all through my day..and I embrace that feeling, and it comforts me...but that is for another day...I have taken up too much posting space.  

I wish all of you a gentle Sunday tomorrow..and remember, LOVE NEVER can,t because love is the essence of the human existence. Goodnight,my friends.

Comment by Mary. Jane on June 1, 2019 at 9:50pm is always nice to hear from you..and anniversary’s are some of  the hardest days to get through. Just when you think you are getting through the pain, a date on the calendar stops you in your tracks, and you remember the heart breaking loss, and your heart breaks all over again. Bob died of cancer, too, Chicago..and I keep mulling it over what a waste of time the first few months were, when he wasn,t that sick...time that could have been spent anywhere other than the cancer center...but if I start ranting about cancer, and my opinion of that medical field, I will never stop. 

i thank God/and the universe, every time I come here..for all of everyone’s  support and caring and understanding...especially from those  people who think we should be “over it”  by now. There is no “over it”..there is just “getting through it”. And, somehow we by day,minute by minute. 

For those here who are new to this pain and loss...the better moments DO come...time is both your friend, and your enemy. 

I wish you all peace and good moments. They will come..I promise.

Comment by Marsha H on June 1, 2019 at 8:47pm

Chicago Beard ...  So good to hear from you.  I know exactly how you feel because I can go through that too when I see something that reminds me of Ernie.

Please try to remember the great memories you had and that one day you'll be joined together again.



Comment by Mary. Jane on June 1, 2019 at 8:47pm

Debbie R. I am so sorry. I cannot imagine how horrible that was and will always be, instantly loosing Tommy like that. God bless you, and give you better days...a year is a very short time, and I wish I had words that could give some comfort to you, but I don,t think there are any. 

Comment by Debbie R on June 1, 2019 at 4:37pm

Just wanted you all to know that I found a wonderful book yesterday called Living When a Loved One Dies by Earl Grollman.  I can't begin to tell you how much his words have helped me in the last 2 days.  Truly  inspirational and no=nonsense approach to help us handle our losses.  May not be for everyone but certainly spoke to me at the one-year mark.


Comment by Debbie R on June 1, 2019 at 4:29pm

a year ago tonight, at this very moment, I called my  tommy.  he didn't answer. 

I found him, gone forever.

that said, to all of you suffering through floods, tornadoes and devastation in your hometowns, know that while I grieve the loss of my best friend I keep you all in my prayers as you deal with the aftermath of nature's devastation.  I can't even imagine what you've all been through and Deb P, I pray you're in CA safe and sound.

Hugs to all, no matter what you're dealing with. 

Love, deb  xoxo


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