Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Navigating Widow-hood

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Grief so great it hurts

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Comment by Patricia Huett on May 28, 2018 at 10:02am

Good Morning My Friends

Marsha and Deborah, thank you for your input on when I should start cleaning clothing, Marsha you are right Basil would definitely approve of me giving clothing to our nephew.  This man would literally give the shirt off his back to someone in need,  I remember when he was on strike with Greyhound for 4 long years, he took a job driving a dump truck and there was this young kid there that had no money or lunch, Basil noticed this young man when they all where eating lunch that he had nothing to eat.  Basil went to him and said there was too much in his lunch pail and gave him half his lunch.  From then on he would have me make an extra lunch for this young man and he would buy him a pack of cigarettes daily.  Well, Basil brought him and his wife  to the house one evening and introduced them to me.  The wife was like 8  months pregnant and we started talking and she had Nothing for this baby that was on the way very soon.  I had some things stored from my last child and knew I was having no more children, I gave her everything I had, crib, changing table, swing, any thing you can think of.  She was so grateful and it made me feel good to give her these thing. In the meantime Basil was showing off all his guns the young man, he was so proud of this collection.  Fast forward, the young man came back when we where gone and broke into our house and took all Basil's guns and knew he had 2 nice pistols in his briefcase, well he had 3 different briefcases and this guy did not know which one had the guns so he took all them.  I'm sure he just threw away all the contents in the briefcases once he got the pistols and there was so many things in these cases that we could not replace.  He had all the savings bonds that was bought for our children since they were born.  We bought them for the kids on their birthdays and Christmas and so did all the family, but since we had not registered their numbers we could not have them replaced.  Our neighbor told us he saw a little truck and was loaded it up with stuff, why he never call the police I still don't understand.  Basil talked to the young  man's  wife and she told Basil that yes he came home with a bunch of guns and told her Basil had gave them to him.  She helped us and the police find him and prosecute him.

This incident did not wavier Basil's faith in people, he still saw the good and helped everyone he could.  I'm just telling this story because it shows the kind of man he was, forgiving of people's faults and always saw the good in people.

So I know he would not mind at all if I give some of his things to my nephew.  I will kept some that are so meaning to me that remind me of him the most.  My sister-in-law is a seamstress and she told me to get some of his favorite shirts together and she will take them and make me a pillow out of them.  I think this is a wonderful idea because she is so good at things like this.  

 I have to try and figure out what is wrong with my car, had to have it towed home last night.  I was in the car and it was idling all of a sudden it just stopped,  It cranks but will not start.  I think it is a fuel issue and this could not come at the worse time for me.  I just fixed the big mower, the weed eater and a broken window in the big garage door, now the car.  I'm exhausted just fixing everything in this house!!  This is when I miss Basil the most cause he would handle these issues.  It is so hard maintaining this big house and large lawn by myself.  

Thank you all for listening to me ramble again, it just has been a very hard week for me!!!


Comment by Sara Murphy on May 28, 2018 at 7:37am

Good morning friends.  I'm feeling a bit lethargic today.  I should be celebrating my 29th wedding anniversary.  We should have enjoyed a nice long relaxing weekend together.  I don't know if I'll ever get past what we should be doing every day but as we all know, certain dates hurt more.  I wonder if that ever changes?

Comment by Marsha H on May 27, 2018 at 10:50pm

Mary.Jane ...  When we lose our spouses the smallest things just magnify themselves and that's a normal feeling.

There are different stages of grief and you've been through the shock, then recognition of his death and you have had so many changes in your life with packing up and moving.  It's all foreign to you (normal) and things are happening very quickly so of course you are going to feel a sense of loss over your old life with your sweetie.  You are taking a journey and starting a new life and although scary, it will go just fine for you.  You are not going backwards at all!  With all you have done such as giving away things and selling some things that's a big step and now you're moving (a bigger step yet) and I know I'm proud of you so be proud of yourself.  Yes, darlin' you're movin' on up!  

Prayers coming your way


Comment by Marsha H on May 27, 2018 at 10:43pm

Deborah ... what a beautiful picture of the two of you and you must be so proud of your daughter.  By the way, you're a nice look lady.  Coming from another women that's a real compliment.  LOL  Thanks for sharing.

Comment by Marsha H on May 27, 2018 at 10:42pm

Hi Patty ...  I know how you feel about dates and although it's been 7 years since Ernie passed away I look at the children in the family the same way you do and wish he could be here to see them.

Each person is different when giving away their spouses clothing.  It took me about 6 months and then I decided other people needed clothing desperately.  However, I still keep a few of Ernie's favorite things that reminded me so much of him and that appeased me.  I would consider giving some of the clothes to your nephew and I'm sure that Basil would approve.  Keep a few things of Basil's that mean a lot to you such as his bathrobe, perhaps a favorite shirt, t-shirt or sweater.  You'll know.  

I am also cleaning out closets and drawers and have given several bags of even my own clothes away.  Like you, I don't like messes and if I haven't used it in 2 years I give it to charity.  I am in the midst of the master bedroom and cleaning that out.

Good Luck!

Comment by deborah peck on May 27, 2018 at 2:07pm

I think everyone is different on cleaning their spouses stuff out, Its entirely up to you on if and when you do it so don't let anybody make you feel that there is a right or wrong time, just when you are ready

Comment by Patricia Huett on May 27, 2018 at 12:22pm

Hello to my new beloved family,

I have not been on the site for a minute, dealing with attorneys and financial matters, not fun!!! I had my granddaughters birthday party yesterday at my house. She just turned 8 and it is so hard to believe.  Basil and myself loaded up the Cadillac and made the trip to Bentonville, AR when she was born and now she is 8, time flies. It was very emotional thinking about that trip and seeing this BIG girl in front of me.

I have a question for you all and welcome your feedback.  At what point do you start to clean out the closet and personal items of your loved one.  I have a very serious case of cleaning  OCD and I've redone all the other rooms with new furniture and just painting and things that give the place a different look.  I just get an urge every time I pass his walk-in closet to start cleaning it out, but I don't want ppl or myself feel like I'm trying to erase his memory, because that couldn't be further from the truth. I have a nephew that needs clothes desperately {he just moved here from FL} and doesn't have anything much.  Basil has brand new shorts and clothes that will fit him.  Should I just give them to him and wait on totally cleaning everything else?  I know me once I get into that cleaning of closet I wont quit.  I do know I will never get rid of all his Greyhound things.  He loved driving that big bus and it he was the most polite driver you would meet, he was requested for charters constantly....that southern gentlemen charm!!!

Thanks for listening guys, I'm so THANKFUL I FOUND YOU ALL



Comment by deborah peck on May 27, 2018 at 11:49am

yesterday we did a high school graduation party for my oldest granddaughter Mackenzie, so proud of her, this a pic of me and her

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on May 26, 2018 at 7:33pm

Dear Mary Jane,

I am again playing catch-up here, and your posts about selling on eBay and making donations really got to me. Like Deb said, the surfacing of feelings of loss are understandable with what you are doing regarding packing and deciding what to keep or eliminate in advance of your move.

I went through all this leaving our house last year, and know very well how tiring, as well as emotionally draining it all gets. If Steve hadn't moved to NJ to help me I would probably still be sitting there surrounded by half-packed boxes "stuck" reading old letters and cards, or weeping over photos.

I was forced to make some hard choices and try not to look back wondering if they were the right ones. I know we sacrificed much value-wise in the donations and gifts we made - time was pressing and all we wanted was out by the closing date! I hope you and your daughter continue with the tremendous progress you have made. It sounds very organized and well thought out - kudos to you both!

I brought my entire doll collection with me to TX, and am now selling items through a rented showcase in a local antique mall. It is going well, and the small size of the display keeps it manageable for me, both labor-wise and emotionally. I haven't tried selling on eBay, but your success makes me think I may eventually try it. I will follow your example if I do so and start with just 1 or 2 items. Best of luck and congratulations!

Well, I'll stop here for now and hope to post more to everyone over the weekend - it's terribly hot here and I too find myself easily exhausted by even the least activities!

Be well, and sending prayers and hugs -

Love, Chuck

Comment by Sara Murphy on May 26, 2018 at 10:24am

Debbie.....I'm glad you were able to enjoy yourself.   I know Greg is happy about that too. 


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