Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on May 30, 2018 at 4:11pm

Sara ....  Grief Counselors, Psychiatrist and Psychologist will have us believe that if we feel we're either seeing our spouse or getting signs from them is just part of grief and nothing more ...  doesn't happen.  Thankfully, I realized 'what did they know' because I've had many signs from my Ernie.  Just hours after his death when I got home a Blue Jay swooped down when I was walking in the garden in shock and dropped one bright blue feather.  I still have that feather, but have not had another.  Then when I had tough days, things would break down and I'd sit and cry out of frustration and I'd talk to Ernie within minutes the phone would ring and it would be someone who could help me.  It is difficult to tell what is a sign from our loved one or is it from them.  That second feather could have been from Ken, but it's difficult to be sure.  Things to look for is realistic dreams, thinking of him in times of stress and out of nowhere someone helps you out, finding coins, feathers dropping before you and sometimes people find butterflies landing close to them are another sign.  I honestly believe our spouses visit us every so often to see how we are doing and when things get tough they give us strength and make things happen to help us out.  If you believe that feather was from Ken then believe!  Let no one tell you it's not possible that our spouses can't visit us because so little is known about what happens after death.  Talk to Ken and keep a journal of things that happen.



Comment by Sara Murphy on May 30, 2018 at 3:43pm

Does anyone else drive themselves crazy wondering what is or is not a sign from our spouse?  I wonder if a song on the radio is a sign or if I see/hear of something that reminds me of something Ken would do if it's a sign.  I've been asking him to send me a clear cut sign that I can't mistake and recently specifically asked for another feather to add to my meager 1 feather collection.  Today at lunch I was walking around our business complex and just before I'm going back into the building, I see this feather in the corner by the lawn.  I can't help but wonder if it's a sign from Ken or just a feather that happened to be there.  I asked Ken about that and told him that I was claiming it as a sign from him.  Thoughts anyone?

Comment by Marsha H on May 29, 2018 at 5:50am

Mary.Jane ...  WOW girl you sure have it bad and I feel for you so you bet prayers are flying your way from me to you!  Take it easy and just try to keep cool.  I don't do well in high heat either.  

Hugs, Prayers


Comment by Mary. Jane on May 28, 2018 at 10:49pm

PS great pic, Deb...Sara,

 it will b ok...pPatricia...just keep the special clothes...that of remind you of him...there s a wonderful feeling when you give your loved nes possessions away to someone who needs them...I wish I had OCD about cleaning, but I don, I spent 2 years doing nothing..I am so terrified about moving...ok bye again.

Comment by Mary. Jane on May 28, 2018 at 10:41pm

Hello everyone. I am sorry I haven’t responded to any posts. My daughter has been here for 6 first I was ok...but yesterday we cleaned out her room.(the guest room) closet, and all the drawers...I had no idea how much stuff I had was much stuff...and the stress kicked me into full blown Epstein Barr Virus...I couldn,t function at up at nine, went back to bed.  At noon, For 4 hours, in that time she had cleaned and sorted almost 300 of Bobs extensive book is almost 10:30 pm, and I am so sick...I am unable to function and help her. Plus it is 90 degrees here.. I just pray tomorrow will be better...and if anyone here wants to kick in a few prayers, I could sure use them. Between the EBV and my crippling arthritis toss in the horrible was like AUGUST here this week...and  I am like jello in a human body. The EBV also ,ales me foggy,emotional and weepy...imagine permanent MONO and u get the idea. Usually I can suck it up...but today I I just couldn,t. Thanks for letting me whine...special thanks to Chuck and Marsha and the rest of you...bye, kids

Comment by Patricia Huett on May 28, 2018 at 10:02am

Good Morning My Friends

Marsha and Deborah, thank you for your input on when I should start cleaning clothing, Marsha you are right Basil would definitely approve of me giving clothing to our nephew.  This man would literally give the shirt off his back to someone in need,  I remember when he was on strike with Greyhound for 4 long years, he took a job driving a dump truck and there was this young kid there that had no money or lunch, Basil noticed this young man when they all where eating lunch that he had nothing to eat.  Basil went to him and said there was too much in his lunch pail and gave him half his lunch.  From then on he would have me make an extra lunch for this young man and he would buy him a pack of cigarettes daily.  Well, Basil brought him and his wife  to the house one evening and introduced them to me.  The wife was like 8  months pregnant and we started talking and she had Nothing for this baby that was on the way very soon.  I had some things stored from my last child and knew I was having no more children, I gave her everything I had, crib, changing table, swing, any thing you can think of.  She was so grateful and it made me feel good to give her these thing. In the meantime Basil was showing off all his guns the young man, he was so proud of this collection.  Fast forward, the young man came back when we where gone and broke into our house and took all Basil's guns and knew he had 2 nice pistols in his briefcase, well he had 3 different briefcases and this guy did not know which one had the guns so he took all them.  I'm sure he just threw away all the contents in the briefcases once he got the pistols and there was so many things in these cases that we could not replace.  He had all the savings bonds that was bought for our children since they were born.  We bought them for the kids on their birthdays and Christmas and so did all the family, but since we had not registered their numbers we could not have them replaced.  Our neighbor told us he saw a little truck and was loaded it up with stuff, why he never call the police I still don't understand.  Basil talked to the young  man's  wife and she told Basil that yes he came home with a bunch of guns and told her Basil had gave them to him.  She helped us and the police find him and prosecute him.

This incident did not wavier Basil's faith in people, he still saw the good and helped everyone he could.  I'm just telling this story because it shows the kind of man he was, forgiving of people's faults and always saw the good in people.

So I know he would not mind at all if I give some of his things to my nephew.  I will kept some that are so meaning to me that remind me of him the most.  My sister-in-law is a seamstress and she told me to get some of his favorite shirts together and she will take them and make me a pillow out of them.  I think this is a wonderful idea because she is so good at things like this.  

 I have to try and figure out what is wrong with my car, had to have it towed home last night.  I was in the car and it was idling all of a sudden it just stopped,  It cranks but will not start.  I think it is a fuel issue and this could not come at the worse time for me.  I just fixed the big mower, the weed eater and a broken window in the big garage door, now the car.  I'm exhausted just fixing everything in this house!!  This is when I miss Basil the most cause he would handle these issues.  It is so hard maintaining this big house and large lawn by myself.  

Thank you all for listening to me ramble again, it just has been a very hard week for me!!!


Comment by Sara Murphy on May 28, 2018 at 7:37am

Good morning friends.  I'm feeling a bit lethargic today.  I should be celebrating my 29th wedding anniversary.  We should have enjoyed a nice long relaxing weekend together.  I don't know if I'll ever get past what we should be doing every day but as we all know, certain dates hurt more.  I wonder if that ever changes?

Comment by Marsha H on May 27, 2018 at 10:50pm

Mary.Jane ...  When we lose our spouses the smallest things just magnify themselves and that's a normal feeling.

There are different stages of grief and you've been through the shock, then recognition of his death and you have had so many changes in your life with packing up and moving.  It's all foreign to you (normal) and things are happening very quickly so of course you are going to feel a sense of loss over your old life with your sweetie.  You are taking a journey and starting a new life and although scary, it will go just fine for you.  You are not going backwards at all!  With all you have done such as giving away things and selling some things that's a big step and now you're moving (a bigger step yet) and I know I'm proud of you so be proud of yourself.  Yes, darlin' you're movin' on up!  

Prayers coming your way


Comment by Marsha H on May 27, 2018 at 10:43pm

Deborah ... what a beautiful picture of the two of you and you must be so proud of your daughter.  By the way, you're a nice look lady.  Coming from another women that's a real compliment.  LOL  Thanks for sharing.

Comment by Marsha H on May 27, 2018 at 10:42pm

Hi Patty ...  I know how you feel about dates and although it's been 7 years since Ernie passed away I look at the children in the family the same way you do and wish he could be here to see them.

Each person is different when giving away their spouses clothing.  It took me about 6 months and then I decided other people needed clothing desperately.  However, I still keep a few of Ernie's favorite things that reminded me so much of him and that appeased me.  I would consider giving some of the clothes to your nephew and I'm sure that Basil would approve.  Keep a few things of Basil's that mean a lot to you such as his bathrobe, perhaps a favorite shirt, t-shirt or sweater.  You'll know.  

I am also cleaning out closets and drawers and have given several bags of even my own clothes away.  Like you, I don't like messes and if I haven't used it in 2 years I give it to charity.  I am in the midst of the master bedroom and cleaning that out.

Good Luck!


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