Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Comment by Mary. Jane on December 27, 2018 at 1:42pm

Thank you, Chuck. Your words mean a lot to me. 

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on December 27, 2018 at 11:49am

Dear Mary Jane,

First, you never have to apologize for being negative to us, because this is the family where we can be openly and honestly candid about what we are truly feeling without having to worry about offending anyone. We all have some horribly depressing and morbid thoughts and feelings sometimes, and keeping them completely to ourselves doesn't seem the most healthy thing to me. So I am glad you share your experiences with us, and that is true for all of us here.

Yes indeed I have had similar separation dreams after Larry's passing, and one leapt to mind. It must have been within the first 6 months that I dreamed I was at an outdoor antique festival / renaissance fair and was wandering alone along a canal when I saw Larry on the other side walking with our friend Peggy. They were talking and laughing and couldn't hear me when I called and called to them. I couldn't see any bridge or path that would let me cross, and then they were gone in the throng and I was crying because I was lost and alone.

It wasn't hard to understand the meaning when I woke, but what really upset me was that Peggy was with him. You see, we three had always been like family since the day she introduced Larry and I. During the last month of Larry's life, when I was hospitalized and often barely aware of my surroundings, it was Peggy who spent much time with Larry and she was the one with him the night he passed just 3 floors below me in the same hospital.

I suppose I somehow resented the fact that after Larry was gone, Peggy seemed to only due whatever was necessary to get our house sold and me "put" somewhere where she wouldn't have to take care of me anymore. She did so much to get me on Social Security and even seeing to it that I was able to drive myself to stores and doctors - then she pretty much vanished from my life just 6 months after Larry passed.

I think of that dream sometimes, and wonder what is happening with Peggy - but i won't try to contact her anymore. My last attempt by text went ignored, so I take it she wants to let things lie as they are.

Other dreams of seeing Larry but not being able to reach him or get his attention have occurred, but not for awhile now. I actually wish they would come more, because I so need to see his face sometimes and photos as we all know just aren't enough. Nothing will ever be enough of course, but somehow dream visits seem to help. Are you listening Larry?

Mary Jane, take care of yourself and your sweet kitty, and you are so right about what you said to all in fresh and constant pain from raw grief. Your words help us all, and for that I thank you - so keep posting because all your sharing helps - positive & negative.

Love, Chuck 

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 27, 2018 at 10:48am

I have a question for all of you. Do you ever have the “SEARCHING” dream? It can come in many different scenarios..but it is basically the same dream. You are in a situation, where you are either with your partner, (who has passed in real life...) but is with you in the beginning of the dream, or you can see   Him/her and cannot GET to him/ matter how hard you try.

The first scenario is are with your partner, and maybe some other people, but you leave for just a minute..and when you try to return, to the room, or building or area, it is gone..changed, or vanished in some way..and no matter how hard you try to find the place where you last were with them, you can,t. 

Last nite I dreamt Bob, Melinda and I were staying at a resort..each room was a separate cabin..we were in cabin 421...and I left the cabin for a second...and when I tried to return, everything was different..the layout of the cabins, the room matter how hard I tried, or INSISTED to the owners the cabin HAD been there...I couldn,t find Bob or the place we were staying. Everything LOOKED the same...but wrong...I awoke in the middle of this chaos, unsuccessful in my search. I had this overwhelming, crushing loss...usually it’s not this bad...the dream...but this time I was totally devastated. I am guessing this is a common dream after such a I have experienced this dream numerous times, n different settings..and it is so painful and frustrating..because he is gone, and my life will never again be as it was.

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 25, 2018 at 6:27pm

Omg...could I BE any more negative? Sorry everyone, I am getting over it.

MARSHA, I watched your video..and I sometimes  find things like that kinda cheesy..but THIS one is SPECTACULAR!!! One of the loveliest nature videos I have ever seen. THankyou so much for sharing it. I actually shared it on my Facebook page, which I rarely ever do...honestly, that brightened up my entire day...I hope everyone here had as nice of holiday as possible. 

For those of you who are in severe pain this year, I promise you will get better. IT never gets better, cuz it is what it is...but YOU start to heal, and the pain does lessen, and YOU get better. I know it doesn,t seem like it, and the loss will always be agonizing, but  I read the entry from last year, that I wrote in my journal..and I am in a much different place this year. Surprisingly, I am ANGRIER! I don,t know why.maybe that is part of the I apologize for all my negative posts. We just have to stumble through each day as best we can. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 25, 2018 at 2:51pm

Merry Christmas everyone. Had a horrible, terrifying Christmas Eve, but all turned out fine. Except my emotions from last night left me exhausted and immobile today. So I DIDN,t go to dinner with my niece and her family...don,t was nothing to anyone else, but it was almost my second worse fear almost coming true...I spent 40 minutes walking up and down my street searching for my indoor only kitty, who I was sure had gotten out the wide open front door. He was supposed to b in the garage...but he didn,t come, when called, I couldn,t find him anywhere, and the front door and the screen had been WIDE open for a neighbor to come pick up 3 bikes for her kids she was hiding in my house...I searched every house porch, bushes...calling his name...I finally gave up, went inside to post on lost pet site, but I called my neighbor..she came right over, went into the garage where I knew he should have been...and when she called his name, he crawled down from the top of the top garage door...he is white, and so is the wall, so I never saw him, and the little sh*t never came when I called him.

sorry to dump all this I wasn,t going to..but the words just poured out when I started writing. The day before yesterday, I had to take him to an Emergency vet for an anal gland my relief of finding him was an emotional breakdown, which is still with me. 

FEAR EATS THE SOUL...Bob had that printed out and stuck it to the refrigerator..and it is so true. I cannot be this person any more.  i need strength and clarity and the will to get moving, but I cannot seem to find it. 

Comment by Marsha H on December 25, 2018 at 6:01am

Dearest Trina ...

I am so happy that this lovely song along with the scenery up-lifted your spirits and brought back wonderful memories of you, Joseph and friends.  I know it's bittersweet, but we so lucky to have had those memories.  Ernie and I would have a pre-Christmas buffet with all our friends and we so enjoyed it and apparently so did they.  Tonight was Christmas Eve and it was just the dogs and myself, but they get their goodies from Santa too.  LOL  Still, how I missed Ernie and that would have been the greatest gift of all having him here, but, we move on and carve out another lifestyle for ourselves and soon the few tears dried up and I got on with it.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas surrounded by those that love you.  I'd give you a huge hug if I was there!

Much love


Comment by Trina Mamoon on December 25, 2018 at 5:10am

Dear Marsha,

Merry Christmas to you!

Thank you for sharing this beautiful rendition of "Silent Night" with the even more beautiful video that accompanies it. 

Winter Solstice, or December 21st, is our anniversary and it was another tough day to go through. Joseph and I would always host a holiday party in mid December which was in part to celebrate our anniversary as well as an all faith holiday celebration. And he and other friends would sing Christmas carols. It was so much fun and so uplifting! So thank you again for thinking of us here and for posting this video to cheer us up. It cheered me up as it brought back all the good memories from that long lost past life.

Wishing all of you here celebrating a very Merry Christmas! May it be a peaceful time for us, and let us be able to get through the holidays without too much of a heartache. 

Comment by Marsha H on December 25, 2018 at 4:26am

My dear friends ...

I thought this was so beautiful I wanted to share.  If you are not of this faith the scenery is so beautiful and it brings to mind that creatures great and small didn't just happen on earth; each one so unique, so my dear angels remember, one day you will know love and peace once again.  

Merry Christmas & the very best in 2019.



Comment by Marsha H on December 24, 2018 at 4:02pm

Dear Diane ...

I am so sorry to hear about your mom and uncle.  It isn't easy.  I agree with Mary that my biggest fear is ending up  in a nursing home as well.  I've told my brother if this thought ever enters his head I'll meet him at the door with a shot gun and rock salt!  LOL  I mean it, I live in my home, I'll die in my home!  It seems this year has not been kind to many of us and I actually found this year weird along with weird weather.  Since Ernie passed away the first year was the hardest and then I began to get in the spirit more as time went on, but this year so many changes in my life with dear friends in hospital being extremely ill, changes in my life pattern and it seems I can't keep up, so sometimes I just sit on the sofa and tune the world out.  They say 'this to shall pass' so hoping 2019 is a whole lot better for all of us. 

It's always great to hear from you my dear friend and I'll be thinking of you.

Much love


Comment by Marsha H on December 24, 2018 at 3:55pm

I've been busy, but also so many people are coming down with this blasted flu and arrangements over the holidays are all over the place and changed.  This Christmas seems so odd to me and I am trying to hang on to the spirit of it.  Exhausting!  LOL


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