Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by deborah peck on August 14, 2018 at 4:37pm

Mary Jane, I truly pray you recover your health soon, sounds like this trip took it all out of you but I think you are exhausted from everything going on before your trip too, I know I would be

Comment by deborah peck on August 14, 2018 at 4:34pm

Today has been a kind of a rough day, it was 30 years ago today that my first husband passed suddenly, went to bed together and I woke up about 4 am and found he had passed away in his sleep, had heart failure that wasn't detected,so Mary Jane I know it doesn't get better that it just changes and we don't get over it but I want to even though I know its not possible, my girls lost their dad 30 years ago, he wasn't here to see them thru all of their failures and accomplishments and then they lost the dad that raised them, life just doesn't seem fair, I just wish for all of us we could fast forward to a point in our lives when it will all be easier to handle. I will quit whinning now.

Comment by deborah peck on August 14, 2018 at 4:27pm

Mary Jane, thank you for what you said about my card, I use a die cutting machine to cut out pieces then I design them myself and make all the flowers, its so much fun

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 13, 2018 at 6:07pm

Sara..thank you. I remember that song...(it was Helen Reddy who sang it, and it was an anthem for women who were tired of taking the macho crap men dished out. LOL)

Sadly, I realized I don,t have the energy to roar..or do anything else...that trip really took a lot out of me...and I don,t know why. I have been taking long naps...and besides unpack and do laundry, have been pretty sedentary. I think it is just the fear, and it seems impossible to achieve. I just want to curl in a ball and wake up months from now, and have been magically transported to a new home.

but, there is one good thing...when I was in CA,I noticed my pain level was better...must be the humidity in Oklahoma..cuz now I hurt much worse..ok, I am done whining. Lol. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 13, 2018 at 5:57pm

Deb, I forgot to tell you how beautiful your cards are. Seriously! Do. You ever sell them? Do you use.  a template or just grab scissors and go? I would buy them! They are special...I have never seen any cards so lovely.

ok, now for your 15 month comment. When I read that I wanted to grow wings and fly over and give you a “mom” hug. Deb, we will NEVER “get over it”. Ever. IT, N EVER gets better...but WE change a bit...we are given moments of happiness in our ravaged lives that we feel too guilty to enjoy or even realize. We are all damaged..and always will be. It doesn,t get BETTER but it gets DIFFERENT. We will never “get over it” nor, should we..but we change and hopefully are able to face and accept the pain differently. After Bob died, I spent 18 months in complete denial. I honestly thought he was just on some long vacation, and would waltz back into the house. It was nice, not believing, but it just delayed my grief. I wish that hadn’t happened, as it set me back and I lost time I should have used to accept things. 

I have noticed on TV shows, that have written scripts where someone has died, ONE YEAR seems to be the cutoff point, where everything is better, and the bereaved should be starting their lives  over again. What a load of CRAP! Who is writing this garbage?? There was even a part of me that thought I would be better in a year...cuz that is what I saw on TV. I am so ashamed to admit this, but years ago a friends baby died a crib was the saddest thing, and as her grief DIDN,t subside after a year or two, myself and some of our other friends began to avoid her, thinking she should be over it. I had no idea. I do now.

So please stop beating yourself up...don,t feel guilty when you have happy times, and good moments. There IS NO time limit..I think the universe gives us moments of joy,to help us remember what it feels like..and try to heal a bit. I also think the universe gave all of us THIS PLACE, because it has been a life saver. And hopefully, we will think positively and not feel guilty about enjoying what we can,

Comment by deborah peck on August 13, 2018 at 11:12am

Good to know that so many feel the same way I do but so sad too. I really try to pump myself to move one and "get over" this but don't think its happening anytime soon, I realize its only been 15 months but I want too feel good again and not sad all the time. I posted a picture of a card I made a few days ago, I was trying to show that is when Iam happy, I can make cards and totally get out of my head for awhile and its great till reality hits once again, I know that this grieving takes time but how much time? I don't remember it being like this the first time I did this but my brother tells me I was the same but maybe the difference was I had 3 little girls to raise and make a life for, I don't know but this totally SUCKS

Comment by Sara Murphy on August 12, 2018 at 8:57pm

Mary Jane.......I'm thinking of another song from Linda Rhondstat---I Am Woman.  I can't say I know the lyrics but I believe there's a line that says "I am woman, hear me roar".  You got this Mary Jane.  You're going to find the strength and make a successful move to Ca.   Your angel is working behind the scene to help you.

Comment by Sara Murphy on August 12, 2018 at 8:53pm

Debbie......I  just read your post about feeling guilty when you have a good time and I know what you mean.  In fact, I was going to ask myself if anyone felt this way.  Last night I went with friends to the concert at Fenway Park and felt so guilty for having a good time.  It was a concert I know Ken would have loved and I didn't feel quite right being there when he couldn't.  I got to bed at 12:30 but couldn't get to sleep for a few hours because I couldn't shut my brain off.  I do wonder if I'll always feel so guilty for living.

Comment by Linda Price on August 12, 2018 at 1:53pm

Comment by Linda Price 

Mary Jane, I have been having the same thoughts as yourself lately. My husband  had a long term illness and passed away June 20 this year. Sometimes I would feel trapped and isolated due to me caring for him. I felt guilty having those thoughts. I had a very loving husband who told me not to stay home a lot but to volunteer and have fun with friends. I am not sleeping well either I wake thinking what I have to do or being with him his last hours. I have rejoined a Senior club and begun easy exercises. I am feeling better. I can’t stay home eating and watching tv. Thinking of painting again even though it has been years. At church there is an unofficial group of older widows. We support and encourage each other to be active. I hope you will be feeling stronger soon. Life is beautiful....a new chapter for us, pages may be slow in coming. God Bless you.

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 11, 2018 at 7:09pm

Absolutely. I think it might be a combination of GUILT, and loneliness..and, yes, once my mind starts racing when I try to sleep..sometimes I have to take a light sedative to stop it. Or, I TALK to Bob...tell him about what I did that night, (even tho I know he already knows cuz I figure he was with me the entire time)

Also, doing all those things at once is enough to make anyone’s mind race...good food, good movie plot, etc..laughter...your mind was racing all night, you just DIDN,t dwell on it, till you tried to sleep...and then your thoughts naturally went and relived the painful memories that we all don,t want to think about. Sometimes when my mind goes there, I talk to BOb, instead of reliving it, and tell him how much I miss him...sometimes it works, sometimes not...

I think the worse thing is the loss and loneliness we feel without them. I don,t go out much, but I do play Bunco every month..and when Bob was alive, when I got home, and opened the door,he would be sitting in his red chair, and he would give me a big smile, and ask if I had a good time...we,d laugh and talk and then he got sick..and wasn,t there anymore. Going home to the empty house was/is so hard...for months after he died, I would ask whomever drove me home, if they would walk up to the door with me. I lied, and said I was afraid of intruders..but it was really to avoid the empty house, and not hearing his voice welcoming me helped. Once I opened the front door and looked at his empty chair, I would b ok...not better, but that moment would be ok then. 

Don,t feel guilty for enjoying life. For whatever reason, we are the ones left, to carry on and create a new life. But I truly believe Bob is here with I talk to him all day. I also ask him to find stuff for me..and most times he does. Have you tried asking Greg where that hoodie is? I know I sound like I have gone round the bend..but it can,t hurt to ask Greg...maybe you will suddenly remember where it might be! That will be Greg, telling you. 


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