Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on April 26, 2018 at 3:31pm

Mary Jane ...  I have noticed this site has been very quiet as well and that's rather sad.  It appears some members feel Facebook is the best way to go.  I guess I'm a creature of habit because Legacy saved my life many times over.

It's not strange at all to feel stressful when things don't go right no matter how small the problem is.  When we had our spouses around they could fix the things we now have to try and fix or, we have to hire someone which can be costly.  I get stressed out when my routine is rocked unexpectedly and I think it's normal.  I have had a lot of sad things going on in my life and just yesterday realized I hadn't turned in my personal income tax and I've never done that, but hurried through it and got it to my CGA.  Whew!  All of us have a lot on our minds and especially for widows we have to be so careful we aren't taken advantage of by companies offering this or that or if we have to call a repair man in.  Google and reviews have been my best friend for the last 5 years.  This way I feel I'm getting the best cost for what I need done, but when it is done I realize just how complicated my life has gotten and I'm exhausted over it.

You made the right decision by using the antenna and accepting that.  I try my best to look for the easier way out and live a less complicated life.  I am proud of you and you're doing much better than you think.

Just a bit of information, but it's becoming much more popular here in Canada, where some people are getting away from Facebook and other sites similar, not texting anymore and realizing just what life they are missing and amazed that their life has become much less problematic.  Call me old fashion, but like Chuck, I often stick to the old fashion ways although I can keep up with technology if I want to, but resist it as much as possible.

I hope today is a much better day for you.

Comment by Marsha H on April 26, 2018 at 3:20pm

Dear Deb ...  By no means do any of us think for a minute you are ever talking craziness.  Those who still check into Legacy are here for you and we do understand how you feel.

April 27th will be the 7th Anniversary of Ernie's passing.  At times it feels like those years have crawled by and other times I feel they have gone by so quickly.  Although I have my own life to a degree I don't feel fulfilled at all and I often wonder why the heck I'm still here.  I'm retired, no children, two dogs (my angels keep me going) and I am proud of myself for doing the best I can over those 7 years, but have to admit I feel disappointed I haven't fulfilled what I had hoped in these 7 years.  Now I have an attitude of 'whatever' and just try to keep busy.  I miss Ernie now as much as I missed him the day he passed away.  It may sound crazy, but on the day of the anniversary of his death I take time out in the privacy of my home and just talk to him as if he were here.  May I suggest Deborah one thing you could do is buy a helium balloon and write love messages on it and take the balloon to a favorite place you and your husband had and let it fly to the heavens.  It helps!  I have done that for all those years myself.

Please feel free to come back here as someone will be hear to listen to you.  I don't care for Facebook either and find Legacy a safer haven.

Comment by deborah peck on April 26, 2018 at 10:05am

I too check on here daily to see if anyone has posted anything, Ive been in a bad place with May coming up and I too don't want to upset anyone by posting my craziness, but I do like reading other post and trying to help. I looked into this on Facebook and just don't care for it, this seems more personal to me

Comment by deborah peck on April 26, 2018 at 10:02am

Mary Jane, I think any little worry is turned totally out of control in our minds right now, I have to talk myself "down" from the crazy worries in my head sometimes, it just gets overwhelming sometimes.

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on April 26, 2018 at 8:25am

Dear Mary Jane,

It is so understandable that disruptions to your routine would send you on an emotional spiral - I share that with you, and still don't like "surprises" of good or bad things that were unexpected. Maybe this is some rebelling against not having control over Larry's illness and passing, although I have always been a bit reliant on following routines to keep me calm. I'm sure there's a diagnosis for this, but can't be bothered with all that at this point in my life. I just let people around me roll their eyes and shake their heads when I insist upon doing things the way I have always done them, even when modern technologies and advanced products make my ways look like some museum display of how people lived in "the old days"!

I know all this makes your sickness level rise, and I am so sorry for that. I know you will get through this, and I believe that Bob, like all of us here, is proud of every triumph you have over these set backs. They are not small, of silly, and I'm glad you continue to speak of them here with this family - this is the place for us all where such matters are understood well, and where you don't need to worry about bumming anyone out - we're all in the same boat on that account.

God bless, and be well -

Love, Chuck 

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on April 26, 2018 at 8:11am

Dear Sara,

I am sorry to hear of your father's declining health. That, and taking your sister to the hospital can indeed create a huge amount of stress. I do hope your sister will be alright, and will pray for her and your father. i understand your feelings about hospitals - since last month we have had several  occasions to visit hospitals or medical complexes, with another visit tomorrow. like you, I wish I never had to be in that environment because of the memories it stirs of Larry's treatments, as well as my own hospitalizations at the same time back in 2015. 

I know that God has a reason for you being here, and your assisting your family with their health issues is undoubtedly a part of that. I feel confident that, being the compassionate soul I know you to be, you touch many lives with a positive and healing effect in your daily life, never knowing the ways God has worked through you. I guess if that is our reason for remaining behind, well we could do a lot worse, right?

God bless you, and be well -

Love, Chuck

Comment by Sara Murphy on April 25, 2018 at 9:45pm

Mary Jane....I too worry about all the house stuff that I never thought twice about.   It's not stupid for you to stress about your direct tv box dying.  For me, I don't have children so I have somewhat of a mental list of who I would call for help with car issues, electronic issues, plumbing etc.  This was all Ken's domain and now I have to deal with everything and it's stressful. 

Currently my stress is related to my father's health declining.  He was in the hospital last weekend then on Monday night/Tues morning at 3am, I had to take one of my sisters to the hospital.  I really never wanted to step foot in a hospital again after all Ken and I had been through but at least I didn't have to go to Mass General.  That would be tough.

Wishing you all a peaceful night.


Comment by Sara Murphy on April 25, 2018 at 9:32pm

Chuck...Good to hear from you.  Diane is right, your church story is inspirational.  I spend a lot of time these days wondering what I'm still doing here, what my purpose is.  Your story helps me have faith that God does have a purpose for me, he just hasn't shown it to me yet but will in due time.  I'm glad you recognized that you needed to be in church on that day.  Not only did you help a new member but he helped you through a tough day, possibly without even knowing it. 

Please pass along my belated birthday wishes to Steve.



Comment by Mary. Jane on April 25, 2018 at 3:50pm

I also tend to worry when this ste is quiet. LOL. Especially if I am having a sad day, and it is quiet here..I figure others are having good days, and I don,t want to bum anyone out. Lol

i have been quiet lately, but not from sadness..I have had a lot of silly stress issues..which have disrupted my life, which caused my Epstein Barr to REALLY kick in. Any small disruption sends me from 0-5000 in seconds on the fear-meter, which ends up making me really sick. This last week has been one of the worst ever..over something a stupid as my master bedroom Direct TV box dying. For good. Ironically, I had been wanting to “cut the cable” and this was my I hooked up a regular antenna and have been using it since..and I am not happy...because since Bob died, ANY unexpected, lengthy change in my normal routine sends me over the edge.  Is anyone else like this?  I do ok with PLANNED disruptions, like vacations, but unplanned major (to me) things I fall apart.

Comment by Diane C on April 25, 2018 at 11:18am

Hi Chuck,

Nice to hear from you as always. Glad to hear you made it through the anniversary. That is always so hard, but you did it!!! Your church story was very inspirational. So glad you decided to go and what a nice surprise for the new gentleman at church. What a blessing to have you and Steve in his path! I am working on my 6th year here. Hard to believe Rich has been gone 6 years on Aug. 1st. I do not use Facebook either, so I will not be active on that site. This is my home and has been since the day I joined in 2012. I don't often post much, but I read it every day. If I feel I can help someone I jump in. With the knowledge that some of us "oldies" are staying put, I will keep checking in, and adding my two cents worth occasionally.

Please give Steve a belated Happy Birthday hug from me.




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