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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Sara Murphy on April 7, 2018 at 5:24pm

Mary Jane.....I sold Ken's boat about 9 months after he passed.  He loved his boat and it was so hard watching it drive away.  Now I'm thinking about selling his truck this year.   I think Bob would be okay with you selling some items.  He would want you to be as financially stable as possible.  They may not be worth what he intended them to be but every little bit helps. 

Comment by Marsha H on April 7, 2018 at 4:54pm

Mary Jane ...  It isn't a weird question at all and at some point most of us will have to either give away or sell most of what our dear spouses had.  It's heartbreaking to say the least.  I had to sell Ernie's truck and camper; it hurt because we thought he was coming out of hospital and could make one last, short trip together.  The tears flowed!  Then the worst was selling his beloved ski boat and I took a loss on it.  I cried as the man and his wife drove off with it.  It took a few months for me to realize in the scope of life these are all 'just things.'  They really didn't make our spouse the great people they were, it was their love, personality, encouragement and that's what is most precious.  I have kept a few things of Ernie's just so I don't feel too guilty for selling things of his or giving it to charity.

Don't beat yourself up with guilt and just keep one of his collective items or a few more to put your mind at rest.  

Comment by Mary. Jane on April 7, 2018 at 3:31pm

This is a weird question, but have any of you planned to, or actually sold anything that belonged to your loved one? I am trying to start selling some of Bobs stuff on EBay..now, before you think I am horrible...for years, Bob and I would frequent garage sales, flea markets  and thrift stores..and buy stuff he thought would be worth something someday. In a sense, he thought these items could help us financially in our “golden years”. There was no internet then, only books, and he researched extensively to know what to buy. Unfortunately..although he bought decent items, the market has TANKED. (Just watch Antique Roadshow) and I feel SO BADLY that all of his hard work and knowledge was for barely nothing now...and I feel so GUILTY about trying to sell even one or two items..I can’t seem to even BEGIN to list anything on EBay. I feel as though I am disrespecting all his hard work, and he is looking down at me from Heaven and shaking his head. 

Actually I am torn between guilt and ANGER, because I finally realized he was a hoarder...and most of the stuff he had collected was because “it might be worth something, someday”. Well, someday is now, and he is gone and all I am left with is memories and boxes of useless stuff, which my daughter and I went thru and donated 85% of what was there. What is left is barely worth listing on EBay. Just typing that makes me want to cry...he was so proud of “his finds” and typing this makes me realize if he had lived to see all his hard work was for nothing, it would have broken his heart.  Ironically..stuff is SO expensive now at stores, yet pretty vintage knick knacks are almost worthless. 12 years ago they were selling, but not any more..I guess people are spending $$$ on handbags, & electronics, and groceries. 

Thanks for letting me vent.

Comment by deborah peck on April 3, 2018 at 4:32pm

Mary Jane, I went and it was weird, I felt like a stranger at my own families, felt so weird and couldn't wait to go home. I think the next few months are going to be really hard with May 12th fast approaching the date Greg passed, I know tears are coming a lot again and I am feeling more depressed , hate this whole thing

Comment by Virginia on April 2, 2018 at 6:59pm

Thanks Diane for your response and yes it will always be hard and I wish the best for your mother.

Comment by Diane C on April 2, 2018 at 11:28am

Hi Virginia,

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in being alone.... My husband died 5 years ago (6 in August). We were always the "party" people. Having held all the holiday dinners. My mother has fallen ill recently and was in a nursing home this weekend. So my daughter had me over to her house Saturday to celebrate our Easter dinner. It was odd, and I really appreciated her doing that for me. One less thing to worry about this year. But it was very hard, and the drive home was miserable. I miss my husband every day of my life, but holidays hit me the hardest. I am one tough broad and know I will be okay. But it is the hardest thing I have ever and will ever endure. Nothing will ever change that fact!

Comment by Mary. Jane on April 1, 2018 at 2:58pm

Don’t go!  Seriously, if you don,t want to..decline. I did. Since rain is expected today, my niece changed plans to yesterday...and I decided I DIDN,t want to go, so I DIDN’T. They will understand. You need to put yourself first. Good luck.

Comment by deborah peck on April 1, 2018 at 12:25pm

today is the last holiday I spent with Greg, nt a good day. really wish I didn't have to go to a family Easter today

Comment by Virginia on April 1, 2018 at 9:36am

Hello everyone, I haven't been on in a long time and wanted to stop by today. On April 29th my beloved husband will be gone 9 yrs. and yes it has gotten easier to live my new normal but now I'm having to deal with another new normal. This past Thanksgiving was the first time in 40 plus yrs. that there was no one to cook for or no where to go, now I do have my sister living with me but I can't cook a big holiday meal for two I have no children. Well we wound up going out to eat and how empty that made me feel, now here it is Easter and again no where to go and not cooking my Easter meal so we have decided to stay in and eat leftovers. I never thought that this would happen but when your Nieces and nephews have their own families and go to their in laws and your left out it brings back the pain of your loss.  My husband always loved all the holidays and we always had the family and friends and anyone who was alone here, 15 to 20 people easy, now it's just me and my sister and it is a sad hard time 9 yrs. later.  I hope you all have a blessed Easter hugs to all.

Comment by Mary. Jane on March 31, 2018 at 11:18pm

This has been a very strange week. I have felt WEIRD..and melancholy all week...and afraid and really out of sorts. For some reason,I am really missing Bob...more so than usual..and, yes, Sara and Deborah..none of this seems real. Like it is one horrible nightmare and I am going to wake up and it will all have been a horrible dream..but it’s real. 

No, Christine..we will never be who we were again. The person I was when Bob died, is gone...it’s like I died with him...but our lives DIDN,t end...so we have to forge new lives out of the wreckage we were left with. But, we were also left with HOPE...and we have to hold onto that. I believe we are here for a reason. Yes, many times I think “what’s the point.” of me living..but last week I was Slammed in the temple by a car door...it made a huge welt..and instead of me thinking maybe I will die...exactly the opposite happened...I prayed to live...and I realized I really DO want to live! For at least 10-15 more years! 

 

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