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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Comment by Trina Mamoon on November 14, 2020 at 1:37pm

Hello Chaya,

You have come to the right grief site where we give support to each other and help one another to make it through the most difficult of the moments in our journey of grief. 

It's wonderful that you are doing the good works of helping those in need during this pandemic. Not only this helps take your mind off your grief for a little while, but people are getting help in the name of your Bridgett. I am sure she is proud of you. 

The one year mark of the day we lost our precious spouse/partner is one of the most difficult of all marker days that we will ever face. For Joseph's first anniversary of passing, I flew to Ithaca, NY--coincidentally where you have now moved---from Fairbanks, Alaska with Joseph's ashes. He had wanted to return to the place where he was born. With a small group of about 15 family members from both my side and Joseph's side, we buried Joseph's ashes under a big oak tree in Robert Treman State Park, a place where Joseph would visit with his family as a boy. That day, August 4, 2015, surrounded by loving relatives, I "laid" Joseph in his final place of rest. It was a beautiful day and the act of celebrating Joseph's life and laying him to rest in a place where he wanted to return was bitter sweet to put it mildly. Joseph had returned to his birthplace, but not as he had envisioned he would, but in death. He was 49 years old when he lost his battle to lung cancer.

As one of our dear sisters on this site, Marsha, I would suggest releasing a balloon into the sky with a message to your beloved wife on the anniversary. (Marsha has not participated in our conversations in a while, and I am taking the liberty of passing on her wisdom here to you; I am sure she would be alright with my doing so.)

This year for Joseph's anniversary, even after six years, for a month or more before the marker day, I was full of anticipation and anxiety, so I can totally relate to your feeling of anticipation. As you are finding out, grief and tears come and go like waves. Some days the waves are 10-feet high and brutal when it seems our heart will just explode. Other days or moments the grief and tears are muted, in the background as small ripples in the water, only slightly visible. 

I wish you courage, strength, and peace as you walk the journey of grief and loss. As Chicago remarked, grief is not something you get over, it is something you go through. So take one day at a time and go through it as best as you can.

Sending warm wishes and good vibes your way for you to make it through one day at a time.

-- Trina

Comment by Steve G. on November 14, 2020 at 5:53am

The first year is the hardest for all of us, somehow we get through it and life goes on around us.  I was still working then and work was my distraction.  I felt comfortable there among people I had know for years.  It was the trip home each night, our dog Bella kept me busy when home, but still I felt out of place and alone.  Grief is like a rollercoaster of emotions, one day up next day down.  We each find our own way in our own time.  I found that my work friends were far more tolerant and compassionate than anyone in my own family.  Our dog Bella kept me happy just by being there and by taking long walks together each evening.  Dogs are more attentive and aware of human emotions than we give them credit for.  

You are doing what is best for you and in your own time.  Each new day brings something better than the day before, as we cannot change the days past, we can only live in the new day before us.  Be yourself, take care and know you are not alone on this new journey.

Hugs

Steve

Comment by CHAYA SPECTOR on November 13, 2020 at 7:15pm

Thank you Steve G.

Yes... all losses pale compared to losing Bridgett. It took me until I was 45 to meet the woman of my dreams and 25 years  just wasn"t enough time... I didn't see myself alone and in grief  and turning 70!  Luckily 11 years ago Bridgett and I moved  back to Ithaca NY from Oakland. I have good friends here, live in the country  and have great neighbors but i have a hollowness in my heart that stings. I miss her so much, miss our times of doing nothing other than  being in what we called "parallel play mode".  I am surrounded by memories, all good. Her artwork hangs in every room to comfort me.  I am learning that grief comes and goes, or maybe its the tears that come and go..I have found some solace in being part of a community effort to help feed those in need during this time of Covid.. It helps to be doing something but it doesn't take away the  pain of loss.  There are times i find myself not showing my tears , feeling that it might be too much for people, not that I am actually seeing many people, but I do get out and walk with my neighbors.. I don't want to be "that" person who cried all the time or who is "heavy" all the time and yet  at 11 months I do often feel like that person. 

Comment by CHAYA SPECTOR on November 13, 2020 at 7:03pm

THANK YOU Deborah..

Yes, I am glad to have found this site... someplace I can come to when I need that extra sense of belonging and shared experience.  We are all different, have different faith beliefs, but i think that loss and grief  cross those line and allow us to share. I feel myself waiting for Dec 14th, the one year mark... I don't know what I'm waiting for exactly but it feels significant. 

Comment by deborah peck on November 13, 2020 at 12:38pm

Welcome to the group Chaya, although I am sorry you are on here, this is such a welcoming place to be and I have bared my soul here to people that really get it. Its been 3 1/2 years since my Greg passed and 32 years since my 1st husband passed so no you don't ever get over it but you learn to cope with it, some days being harder then others. you have to do whatever feels right to you and not worry about what anyone else thinks. I would've been lost without my family on here and still find it hard to cope sometimes, but I know we all will survive this and be stronger for it

Comment by Steve G. on November 13, 2020 at 8:32am

Hello Chaya,

I too lost my soul mate, love of my life and best friend for 26 years.  This occurred on November 30, 2014.  Like you Mark and I knew that he was slowly dying.  He inherited a family disorder that only attacks males.  It has a name, which escapes me, bottom line it is very similar to Parkinson's.  A very slow but deliberate disease.  His departure from this world left me panicked, horrified, angry and somewhat relieved, which caused a great deal of guilt.  I literally thought I was loosing my mind.  I have had to deal with grief on other levels in my life, but they pale to what I was going through that day as I watched him take his last breath.

This month will be 6 years since that day and I can tell you that my life has been forever changed, I am not the same person I used to be nor should I be.  I can now look back and see nothing but the good memories of our life together.  So, much has changed in my personal life that I sit in awe some days and realize that I still have a purpose in this life.  I can be a changed person and still be the same Steve I have always been.  Oh, I still tear up and still dread the month of November, but as each year passes I am stronger in my resolve to go on living.  I will be 73 next April and I can find simple joy in the sights and sounds around me.  I do not live alone, I was lucky enough to find someone from this very site that needed me as much as I needed him.

Odd how life will sometimes throw you a curve ball and you catch it not knowing what will happen next.  We understand each other's loss and we can openly discuss our feelings.

This was never in my plans, I was ready to end my life until I found this site,

There are so many souls on this site to help and share so that we can all move forward, one day or one minute at a time.

Please continue to share your feeling, no one here has ever been non accepting or critical.  I found angels on this site that helped me beyond my wildest dreams.

Stay with us, 

Sending hugs

Steve

Comment by DJ on November 11, 2020 at 11:57am
Hello Chaya,
Sorry for your loss of Bridgett, but welcome to our group. As Chicago says, none of us want to be here, but you'll find many angels to help you on this journey. I lost my wife to brain cancer in 2014; it hit us without warning in 2013, and in eleven months she was gone. I chat to her every day; the tears flow less often, and I can talk about her without breaking down nowadays. Sometimes the smallest things trigger me - usually, I think, when it surfaces a memory of kindness to my wife. Stay safe.
Comment by Charles E. Nelson on November 10, 2020 at 7:56pm

Hello Chaya,

I am so sorry for the loss of your wife Bridgett that brings you here to this group. I lost my husband Larry in April of 2015 to cancer. We were told in the early Fall of 2014 that he was terminal and he agreed to enter a trial of an immunotherapy drug. We were told he could get possibly an extra 2-5 years if successful - without it 6 months was the prognosis. Without going into details, it didn't work and made him miserable. Those months were such a horrible nightmare for me that I still can't figure out how I got through them.

The approach of the 1 year anniversary of Bridgett's passing will understandably bring up many memories and feelings, not all of them good. I guess all I can say is that what helped me the most was sharing with the understanding and supportive family I found here and leaning on them when I wasn't feeling strong. I was never alone in my loss after finding this place of healing, and i sincerely hope that you will find some strength and comfort here with us as this time when we are all forced into isolation. 

Wishing you peace,

Love, Chuck

Comment by CHAYA SPECTOR on November 10, 2020 at 9:23am

Thanks for the acknowledgment Chicago.. 

Your statement reminds me of a song and you tube I have been using quite frequently..its Willie Nelson singing  "Its not something you get over, it's something you get through". 

I don't expect to ever get over losing Bridgett.. and it feels way to soon to be "getting through" but i do  find ways to find some peace and that's remembering  all the good times.  Bridgett and I had 6 1/2 years of knowing she was dyi ng. On some levels it made it harder, the  knowing and trying to stay in the present so as not to miss what we still had. I feel i am still fighting and trying to stay in the present. To feel her love as it surrounds me in our home, with our animals and our friends..but there are days, moments where I just go into tears and sadness.   this gift of nice weather here in the east coast is helping. 

Comment by Chicago Beard on November 9, 2020 at 4:25pm

Chaya

Welcome to the group no one wants to join but is always grateful when they do. I lost my Rose in 2010. We were married 30 years and three months and I miss her everyday. Grief is something you get through and not over. Do not deny anything you are feeling. It is all legitimate. This is a special group that gives unconditional support and is instrumental in helping me deal with my grief.

 

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