Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on January 10, 2020 at 2:09pm really don’t have to attend the wake. Under the circumstances, this being a difficult day anyway..I am sure your co-worker will understand. She might not even notice your absence...If she doesn,t understand NOW, she will later, as the shock of loosing her mother wears off...and she will accept this was possibly the VERY WORSE day for you to attend.  Unless she is a close friend, and  your dynamics are complicated. If you are NOT close, do what YOU feel is best for YOU! I wish u an easy choice, but I urge you to do whatever u decide, do it for YOU! You need to start putting  YOUR needs first! I wish u well.

Comment by Sara Murphy on January 10, 2020 at 1:50pm
The universe is toying with me now. Not only did I have a meeting moved to Monday, but now have to attend a wake on Monday for a co-worker who lost her mother yesterday. I really will have to put the date out of my mind to get through that one.
Comment by Mary. Jane on January 10, 2020 at 12:00pm

Steve, if you like to read, A Dogs Purpose, is only ONE book about that dog...there are two more, and I think they’ve made another movie from one of the other books, A Dogs Journey..they're easy to read, and well worth it. I read the first one, loved it, saw the movie, they did a very good job re-creating the book..I have NOT read the second, tho I HAVE it, cuz I don,t have my reading FOCUS back yet.

Marsha..I didn,t realize you WROTE that poem. Beautiful.

I know CATS are usually seen as aloof and selfish, but before Bob died, Rudy was a wonderful, but ordinary kitty...when Bob came home in hospice for what was supposed to be a few months, Rudy jumped up on his wheeled bed, kinda sniffed him, then jumped off. That was the last time he hopped up..and Bob died 2 days was as if Rudy KNEW Bob would choose to die earlier..he never went to his bed again.

Before that, Rudy was just an ordinary kitty..but the evening Bob died..he jumped onto the bed with me..and has been sleeping with me every evening, and also during my afternoon naps.I never coached him, he did it of his own volition..and still does. He has become my therapy constant companion..spending EIGHT days with us in October, in various hotels when we were evacuated due to the FIRES in Northern California, and I took him with me on a 4 day trip to a wedding the end of December...I knew he would be ok, as he had traveled by air to CA to his new home in July, staying at hotels when I had to leave my house in OK, but couldn,t occupy my new home in CA. (cuz my REALTOR really F***ed up the day I had to be OUT of my house..long story, be VERY careful finding a GOOD realtor) but I digress..

So he is an EXCELLENT traveler, with his own LUGGAGE, and portable housing! And he is Spectacular dealing with all the strangeness, and smells that linger in hotel rooms. He is my constant companion...very unique for a CAT! 

Comment by Steve G. on January 10, 2020 at 8:22am

Most of us who have or have had that one special pet that teaches us patience and unconditional love are the most precious gift one can receive.  I saw a post recently on FB that showed a picture of a cat and a dog with the caption below "Let's send them to earth as angles without wings".

It struck a cord within me and who knows, maybe they really are.

Chuck and I found a movie from 2017 titled "A Dog's Purpose".  I highly recommend this film to everyone, it will make you laugh, cry and leave you with a very feel good ending.

Hugs to all


P.S. I am being good and healing is slow, my patience suffers as to the limitations I have, however, say the Dr yesterday, everything looks good, my appetite has returned and my Charlie is taking very good care of me.  5 more weeks of healing then back to the DR.

Comment by Marsha H on January 10, 2020 at 3:35am

Steve G ...  When I read again the story of Belle I cried all over again.  It is so sad.  My 16 year old Tootsie was more Ernie's dog than mine and yet she was there to comfort me once he passed, but often I would find her looking out the window as if she expected him.  I feel animals can sense when our loved ones are near.  I was so proud of her for sticking throughout my grief and now it was her time to go.  I did get her into the vets as she was in pain and immediately he gave her a shot to make her drowsy and I had as much time as I needed to be with her.  It must have been 40 minutes as I cuddled her in my arms and told her how much I loved her and thanked her for being there for me, but now she was free to go see her 'poppy.'  I know Ernie would be waiting for her.

Thank you again Steve for repeating that story.



Comment by Marsha H on January 10, 2020 at 3:31am

Sara ... I am so happy you got some peace from  my poem.  As I said to Diane C, wrote that long before Ernie passed away and it's as if the words were from a higher power and I had to write it down.  I believe with all my heart our spouses are with us and each step forward we make I am sure they are smiling at us.  You will do just fine at work.  What I have taught myself is the fact there is always an exit and by that I mean if you should get teary-eyed you can always go to the washroom and calm yourself, but trust us when we say it will get easier for you.



Comment by Marsha H on January 10, 2020 at 3:28am

Diane C ...  Always wonderful to see you post and both of us have had the loss for 9 years.  Thank you so much for the lovely compliment regarding my poem.  I have no idea why I wrote it as it was long before Ernie passed away, but I was just sitting one evening and it came to me as if the words were meant to be written down from a high power.  Strange how wonderful things can happen to us when we least expect it.  I am so proud of you for getting on with your life and I know just how tough it can be, but each year does get a little better.  I hope I don't turn into a cranky old lady.  LOL 



Comment by Mary. Jane on January 9, 2020 at 6:40pm

Thank you so much, Steve. I am sorry if it brought back sad memories, but THAT story, more than anything I have ever read or heard about a life “after” broke down any doubts  I ever had about seeing our loved ones, and even pets as we cross over. To me, Her JOY in seeing Mark, who was WAITING for her...and the fact that YOU were privileged to witness something that we here on earth, rarely see, is a true blessing. 

People can ramble on and on about what they THINK or FEEL about what happens after...and religions  try to indoctrinate us, by ideas sanctioned without proof...but animals  cannot lie, or make things their actions....she  just expressed  love and JOY at the moment she entered her new life, at finding someone she loves waiting for her. I think that was a gift from God, for YOU...a glimpse into knowing Mark was happy, and and Bella would be too...thank you so much for sharing that gift with us again. 

Comment by Steve G. on January 9, 2020 at 4:53pm

Mary Jane,

I posted that story last May in response to a post who  had lost their dog below is a portion of that post:

" I know your loss all to well, reading your post brought all my memories of that one evening when I lost my Bella. It was late in the evening when I noticed that she had not eaten or taken water during the day while I was at work. When I got home she got up and wanted to go out, so we did, but she turned around and headed back for the apartment. She laid down looking up at me and wagging her tale. I went for treats and she ate one and left the other one. It was later on that evening while watching TV she tried to get up and could not. I thought about calling for help to get her into the car and as I was passing that thought through my head, I noticed that she was starring out the glass doors to our little walled in patio wagging her tail all the while. She suddenly sat up using her front legs and started winning wagging her tail faster, looking out at the dark patio and then back at me. I knew at that moment she was waiting on me to do or say something. I opened the doors and she just tilted her head at me and laid back down. I went over to her and sat down, she put her big paw in my hand and looked at me. So, I laid down beside her on the floor petting her head and telling her it was ok, she could leave me now and join Mark. I fell asleep on the floor only to wake up and discover that she had passed on, she and Mark were together again."



Comment by Sara Murphy on January 9, 2020 at 12:01pm
Thanks Diane. I just saw your comment. What I love about this site is the understanding everyone has. The first couple years I would go through all the sympathy cards and notes I received but like you, I don't want to keep putting myself through that. I know my friends/family wouldn't understand the way my Legacy family does. They don't realize it's a big step to work Monday and have it be like any other Monday. Knowing that you felt the same is helpful.

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