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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25. 4 Replies

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25. 27 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H 8 hours ago

Dear  Christine ...  You have had incredible sorrow in your past life and I'm so proud that you managed to stand up for yourself because so few women do.  It must have been difficult to be caregiver to your abuser, but you have a great heart and saw it to the end.  I too have a brother 6 years younger than me and he was my parents favorite.  I also understand that family and friends seem to get on with their own lives and some disappear; expecting us to get on with our own lives even though we are broken-hearted and grief has no timeline. 

If you feel your therapist isn't helping you can go to grief counseling at some churches (free of charge) or Hospice Centers where there are members there you can relate to.  You also have Legacy and we're here for you too.

I too married quickly to get out of the house and my ex was verbally abusive so I divorced him and that's when I met my beloved Ernie and like you with your loving spouse I felt safe and never knew that I could love someone so deeply and feel so safe so it seemed to me so unfair when I met my one and only that he had to pass away.  I asked all the questions most do, 'why didn't I go with him; what was the point of being here' to 'why did this happen?'  It all seemed so unfair.

I too had lost my faith, but when I got over the initial shock of Ernie's passing I realized I had to go on in his memory; carry the torch so to speak.  He taught me so many wonderful things to pass onto others and I looked back at what I had been when I was much younger and before I first got married and found 'me.'  Ernie fell in love with 'me' and so now I've reverted back to day one to find 'me.'  We are of use and we can find something useful in our lives.  I volunteer for a dog shelter to adopt dogs out and go every Sunday and not only did it give me some peace of mind, but it put life into some sort of perspective for me.  I have joined a Bible Study Group with wonderful people, but my faith is not 100% yet.  Although I detest it when people say 'I'm strong' I surprised myself going through almost 7 years of the loss of my Ernie and I found I was strong because I reached out to others to try and help them get through grief or other issues in their lives.  I've met a few new friend, but I won't lie, I still can feel lonely, but then get up and get busy.  You are in raw grief and still on this journey of grief which we all have to go through, but hon, you are going to make it (don't think for one minute I didn't have pills I could have used to end it all) but, for some reason I didn't and glad I didn't.  We are all here to help you through the rough spots and to let you know we are all going through many different emotions.  You're going to make it and I promise you will find a reason for living.  Your wonderful husband would never want you to give up because there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Lean on us!

Big hugs

Marsha 

Comment by David Heggi 10 hours ago

Dear Christine,

Not only do you have this indescribable grief to bear, you have a lot of baggage from a lifetime of abuse and hurt.  Give yourself a break.

I also lost the love of my life recently and am feeling the same way you are right now - it's a nightmare that you cannot wake from, so we sleep as much as we can to avoid the reality.

God's promises and the words of well-meaning relatives and friends  are a lot of bull - these people quickly become unavailable - no one can understand this pain.

I can't imagine living the rest of my life this way.  I don't want to be here either; I wished that I had gone with my beloved - what is my purpose to be left behind?  I too believe that a person can die of a broken heart.

Yet even after only 2 and 1/2 months when I look back to the initial shock and horror, there has been a little relief, a slight soothing of the raw-edged tear of my heart,

Although I cannot bear witness to what others have testified in their process of healing, I can feel a little of it settling, and sometimes a faint flicker of hope. It vanishes as quickly as it comes, but it is still there.

Please Christine, know that you are not alone.  There are so many of us out here.

I will be thinking of you,

Your friend David H. 

Comment by Christine Blaire 14 hours ago

I am crying all the time and lost 35 lbs since Aug. 25 when he was diagnosed. I think I've gone thru more tissues this month than my whole life. I see the therapist on Monday morning but don't feel it will help. The reason I said that I couldn't do anything till March because my life insurance won't pay till then because my cremation will be paid for and lot rent here will be paid till all can be settled. Oh I have family and friend support but they have their own lives. All I see ahead is a miserable existence. Oh I know...it's what you make of it. So many people have told me that I'm a strong woman. I'm not...I was strong for him. Had a mother who was German and openly favored my brother. I was close to him being six years older knew it wasn't his fault. Wanted to be a nurse, even took and passed all the exams to only be told that education is wasted on a girl. They could afford it too. At that time I was dating a man who got transformed to Indiana. He was lonely and I wanted out of that house so we married. We were friends, never really loving him. It ended one son and nine years later. Met the second husband. First time he hit me our daughter was about a month old. Physical abuse till I took the gun my brother committed suicide with and shot at him. The verbal abuse was indescribable. He was a man capable of evil things that he made sure I knew about so I wouldn't leave. In 2001 he raped me. I took care of him when he was sick but he never touched me again. After he died in 2007 I didn't want to date because I was afraid I'd find someone worse. Well I didn't. I can't explain how much I love him because there are no words. My :-P is really bad and I don't take one of the two pills I'm supposed to take. Doing research I found out that lisinopril which is used for hi :-P will lower your heart rate till it stops if you take enough. So I'm stock piling. Unfortunately women in my family live long lives. I told the therapist that I will not live another twenty some years without him. I never knew love like that existed, that it was in movies and books. I also know that I was fortunate to find that kind of love cause not everyone does. I think that because of that it's why I know I won't be here long. If I get sick...whatever will be will be. I told the therapist that too. Yes a lot of good memories but then I come back to reality.  I know...time heals...you make o new normal and all that but why? Why do we have to go when we are so unhappy? Why go on of no use to yourself or anyone else? I don't believe that's what God wants. Aren't we supposed to embrace life and take joy in all God's wonders? I have a hard time believing that he wants us to be in so much pain, that's why he takes those who are sick. Doesn't he mean for us to be happy and enjoy the life he has given us? When that joy is gone and we enjoy nothing in this life we should be able to end it in peace. Right now I'm just going thru the motions . I understand what dying of a broken heart means. 

Comment by Marsha H on Thursday

Dear Christine ...  I am so thrilled you are not only seeing a therapist, but intend on staying on this website.  There generally is someone on to answer your post even if it's the wee hours of the morning.  I live just outside of Vancouver, B.C., Canada and our time differences allow me to check the board when most others are busy or sleeping for the night.

If you feel your therapist for some reason isn't getting the message of how you feel then join a group.  I was in group therapy at a church and it felt better to be around those that were grieving such as I was.

I forgot to tell you I had a 'Celebration of Life' for Ernie and I have his ashes in my curio cabinet and when it's my time our ashes will be thrown to the river he loved best.  Just like you, there was a time I wished it was all over and I was with him once again.  The reason you feel strange looking at your husbands urn is because we've been with them physically and it's a cold reality to see just an urn or a box of ashes that we know was once them.  However, as Mary Jane said so well in her post (I have experienced it myself) your husband's spirit is near you and giving you strength.  I have had many experiences and even years after Ernie's death.  So my dear friend just remember, your husband is right there even though you can't see him.  Sometimes we get a peaceful feeling inside, a feeling someone is there, signs of feathers, coins, even dreams and that's your husband.  Therapists or grief counselors may try to make you believe this is NOT true, but it is and no one knows what happens after death so take comfort that many of us have had experiences of our loved one close by.  When you feel up to it I'm sure some of us will share what we experienced.

Know right now that you are not alone and we're right here for you and when you're down we'll pick you up and believe it or not you will surprise yourself by comforting others on this site.  It just gets better and better after that so hang on tight and trust in us.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Kaela Roster Federle on Thursday

Hi Christine,

I am so glad you came here. It has helped me so much over these past 7 months. I have been where you are...in a fog, wanting to die, feeling like you will die. But I promise you you will heal with time and with support. I am so glad you are seeing a therapist and be open with her about your feelings and she can get you even more support.

In telling you a little bit about my story, my husband and I were together for 10 years. In July of 2015 we were married finally. In March of 2017, we were on a weekend vacation in Carmel and I came to sleep out in the living room because he was snoring. I came back in the bedroom in the morning to find him face down on the bed, passed away. I did everything I could, CPR, calling 911, etc. but it was too late. He was only 31. I am 30. Undiagnosed heart condition which caused his heart to just give out. We were just starting a new chapter of our lives together and he was taken from me. We were supposed to grow old together, now I am a 30-year-old widow. I can tell you it still hurts so much and I am still pretty out of it but I am definitely better than I was during the first few weeks and few months. They tell us in grief counseling to not make any important decisions for 2 years. Of course you want to die right now. Please please give yourself time to heal. 

- Kaela

Comment by Christine Blaire on Thursday

Thank you Debbie and Marsha. I intend to be on this site because it seems you all can understand these awful emotions. I did start to see a therapist so will see how that works out. It's hard to explain the pain you feel to people who have never gone thru this. Our urn came today...it's beautiful but hard to explain how I feel. It's a companion urn and I just want to be in it with him. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on Thursday
Dear Christine:
DON’T DO IT!! I MEAN THAT!!
Are you saying he’s only been gone for a little over TWO WEEKS??? Oh honey....you did the right thing in coming here.
Of COURSE you feel like your life is over, and you want to die! You are still in shock. You say time heals...that IS a bunch of crap when someone you love dies. BUT time DOES change things...and for the better. I know it doesn,t seem like it now, but I promise you, in its own weird way, it DOES get better. Like you, as I type this, I am sitting next to Bobs ashes...he died 21 months ago, after 49 years of marriage. He was only sick for four months...and your age has nothing to do with anything. I am 71, and alone...I have thought of suicide a multitude of times..but I have finally reasoned, that there must be a purpose for me being here, otherwise I would have died too. There is a flame in the heart of every one of us...sometimes it glows brighter, sometimes it is dim and nearly gone...just a spark...but it is there. I can feel it when I get really depressed...or sick, and don,t care if I die..that is when I can feel it..the will to live. And I know you feel it too. Otherwise you wouldn,t care when your insurance kicked in. Go with that. I cannot promise it will get better. He is gone, and nothing can change that..but YOU will get better..you might not recognize it, but you will slowly begin to feel things again..
For now...sleep all day if that’s what you want to do.
Something that really helps me, besides coming here, is I TALK to BOb...all day long! I imagine him kinda floating around me all day,so I talk to him. Many times he finds items for me that I have lost..yes, it is true...so why not talk to your husband? It brings me comfort, and Helps me keep in some sort of contact. I even tell him when I remember something crummy he did...and how angry he made me at times.
Ok, I have rattled on long enough..my name is Mary Jane, it is nice to meet you...and we will be with you during this painful journey.
Comment by Marsha H on Thursday

Dear Christine ...  My deepest condolences to you on the loss of your husband.  I too was married to an abusive man and eventually met my 'soul mate' and we were married almost 40 years.  He passed April 27, 2011 from pancreatic/liver cancer.  My husband was a tall man and about 225 lbs., and he always made me feel safe.  We got along so well together and even our friends would comment on how a room lit up when we walked in.  I couldn't believe the love of my life was gone and why him?  Why after we found each other that he had to leave me?  I went through all sorts of emotions such as 'if you choose you should be able to go with your spouse' and I felt I was in a living hell.  His parents were gone, so were mine and unfortunately, we were unable to have children.  I only have a small immediate family and when I went to grief counseling they warned all members that soon so-called loyal long-term friends would almost disappear as they got on with their own lives.  I felt so very alone and I will admit I can still feel that way.  It took me awhile to even bother to open the curtains, answer the phone and I just existed.  A couple of my girlfriends would come by for a visit, but I was in a fog and I just didn't want to 'be here.'  I'd sleep late so I wouldn't have to face more hours of the day and early evening without my the love of my life.  Eventually, I came to the realization that my Ernie wouldn't want me to go through life this way and I believed that one day we would be reunited.  When married we learned wise things from each other and I decided I had to stay alive to pass those wise things off Ernie left to me (a true gift.)  Whether you believe or not hon, you can move on in life and carry the torch for your spouse as he sounds like he was such a wonderful man.  May I suggest you go to either group grief counseling or if you feel more comfortable go to a one-on-one psychologist to discuss how you feel and it really does help.  It makes you feel as if you are not alone.  Also this site was a lifesaver for me as I was in the same spot you are in now not wanting to move on, but this site and the members were so welcoming and keep me going and if I did fall down every so often they were angels and picked me up.

I hope you will give this site a try and let us help you.  We'll be here for you and we never judge anyone when they post.

A big hug to you

Marsha 

Comment by deborah peck on Thursday

dear Christine, I'm sorry your in so much pain, I know exactly how you feel, on not wanting to be here, ita very hard to go on after losing a spouse, I too lost 2 husbands, one when I was 32 and then my husband Greg who passed in May, its very difficult to get thru and to think of going the rest of your life without your spouse but you and I both know we can do it because we already have, and we know time does not heal anything, we just learn to go on. Suicide is not the answer, my dad commited suicide and I know the pain it leaves to deal with for family and friends, its not the right thing to do to everyone else. Its still so new for you (me too) and the approaching Holidays make it that much worse but get thru it we will, Concentrate on day by day instead of the future right now, its too painful to even think of the future. Don't give up, you can and will get thru this and we are all here to help you so keep reaching out and we will do it together one day at a time  Debby P

Comment by Christine Blaire on Thursday

My husband and I met late in life...he divorced...me widowed . He was a very abusive man and by time he passed I had no feelings left for him. Four years later I met my soul mate, the love of my life. In the five and a half years we were together we never had a cross word,held hands all the time and loved each other more than words can say. He had a Dr. Who did not listen to his complaints so we switched drs. August 25 he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Infection set in and he passed  Nov. 1. As I write this his ashes are sitting in front of me. I don't want to be here at the end he promised to wait for me. I feel like a robot. My life insurance won't pay for suicide till March. My brother who was very ill committed suicide 30 years ago. I am 66 and I will NOT live another twenty something years without him.if we are hurting so bad and hate waking up in the morning why can't we just go? I know....time heals and all that crap but I don't believe it and know it doesn't apply to me.

 

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