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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1320
Latest Conversations: 6 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

A family of one

Started by Sandfly. Last reply by Sara Murphy on Friday. 5 Replies

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by Marsha H on Friday. 11 Replies

Struggling with reality

Started by Corey. Last reply by Brad Block Apr 30. 6 Replies

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Comment by Deb S 6 hours ago

Sara, Thank you dear friend for joining me tonight for a toast. There is a huge void which likely will never be filled in the same way. Yet, I continue to hope that a peace will descend upon us that makes the rest of our life worthwhile and purposeful.

I feel Bob's presence. I hold his hand every night and sleep back to back with him. I feel him next to me. Nevertheless, I wake up and immediately realize that he is not really physically by my side. Every morning starts with a huge reality check.

Thanks for sharing your strength. I feel stronger and for that I am most appreciative.  Debbie

Comment by Sara Murphy 10 hours ago

Steve.....Thanks for posting that song.  Danny Gokey himself is a widower so he speaks from experience and that certainly comes through in his song.

Comment by Sara Murphy 10 hours ago

Debbie....It' good to hear from you.  Your strength has been an inspiration on my toughest days.  That void left when our spouses were called Home, it just can't be filled.  Some days more than others, the grief comes roaring back strongly.  I hope you'll let us be your strength on those days.

I will join you in your toast tonight.

Hugs,

Sara

Comment by Deb S 13 hours ago

Chuck, Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. You always remain in mine and I hope that you are doing well. Thanks too for your wish of peace for today. I do feel more at peace now than when I first posted. I am going to go into my garden and play in the dirt. This is always good for my soul.

Please join me with a cold beverage later this evening. I invite each of my friends here to join me for a toast to our lost loved ones. We may not be able to physically sit on the porch together but we can join each other in a virtual toast.  "See" you later!  Debbie

Comment by Deb S 14 hours ago

Mary Jane, Thank you for your sweet reply. It has helped me to read your thoughts.

My husband passed away on July 22, 2015. He was interred at Arlington National Cemetery on July 25, 2016.

In many ways I have felt like I remain frozen. My husband and I lived Type AAA lives. We worked hard and played hard. In comparison to my life with my husband, I feel like I too am at a standstill.

My husband was 16 years older than me. He passed away just two weeks after celebrating his 75th birthday. I was 58. I'm now 60. Recently, I have been doing a lot of soul searching.

I tend to compartmentalize and deal with one thing at a time. I get those things done and then try to move on. It is true that I have dealt with my major stressors. Still, I have a lot left to accomplish.

Perhaps we can jump in and move forward together. What do you think?  May your day be a bit better than yesterday.  Deb

Comment by Deb S 14 hours ago

Steve, Thank you for sharing  the words of this amazing song. Reading the words has helped me today. I've read it 3 times and plan to post it where I can read it often.

There are days when it feels as if my heart is so numb that I do not recognize that it continues to beat in spite of my grief. The words of the song "See You Again" often play in the background of my mind. It begins "It's been a long day without you my friend and I'll tell you all about it when I see you again . . ." The song implores us to "Carry On".

I can Carry On today and Tell My Heart to Beat Again. Thank you, dear friend, for this important reminder.  Debbie

Comment by Steve 15 hours ago

Dear Friends, I found this song last year and was struck by its simple message, may it bring to you what it has brought to me.

You're shattered
Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It's alright now
Love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
'Cause your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
'Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven's working
Everything for your good

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
Beat again

Oh, so tell your heart to beat again

by Danny Gokey

Comment by Mary. Jane 15 hours ago
Dear Deb
Thank you for posting this. I want to be like you...you have DONE all these things...which I see as major accomplishments. I wish I could be like you..but I am frozen, and my days go by with me doing absolutely nothing at all, even tho I have a million things I need to do, but am unable to. I don,t remember how long since your husband died, but I cried after I read your post. Do not worry about fearing more grief, as life seems to have a way of throwing more at us, and I know you will keep busy. Maybe this is Gods way of giving you some time to let yourself think and relax, even tho it brings the pain to the forefront. You have done/are doing what I am too frozen to do...like the financial thing...I really need to contact and change the phone and satellite companies, find an electrician, get someone to cut back trees and the like, and that is just the immediate tasks...my house is filled with stuff I need to sell or give away..and just thinking about all of it freezes me, instead of motivating me. Maybe we need days where the pain of missing our loved ones is so strong we think we can,t go on...days where we cry and let the pain in...instead of burying it inside, maybe we need to acknowledge our grief...if only for a short time, so it doesn,t build up and consume us? I don,t know..but I DO know that reading your post will help me get through another day. Maybe all of us should embrace this MEMORIAL day, and let the memories in, no matter how much they hurt us. In an odd sense, we are the fortunate ones..because we had love. Wonderful love, with wonderful memories...and there are so many people who never find that sort of love at all. We are the ones left behind, to deal with the pain...and remember the love. God bless you, Deb, and everyone else here on this Memorial Day.
Comment by Charles E. Nelson 16 hours ago

Dear Debbie,

My friend, you have been much on my mind, and my heart goes out to you, and to us all today, as we all join in remembering our lost spouses, family, and friends who so bravely served their country in whatever capacity. Your beloved Bob was awarded a great honor for his accomplishments, and I know how very proud of him you and your family are.

Some here may still be in service, or have served in the past - to you especially I offer my gratitude and prayers for your safety, health, and that you feel the love and respect  all of us here have for you, and for your loved ones.

Both my father and brother served - Dad in the Army, Bill in the Air Force. Today I think especially of my father, who witnessed some of the worst atrocities committed in WW2, and yet somehow raised me not to be filled with hate and vengeance toward other peoples and nations. Instead, he taught me that the evils of war, and those of hatred and bigotry, are best fought through educating oneself to their causes, thus hopefully using what talents and abilities we possess to prevent useless wasteful conflicts through understanding and respecting mankind's differences - not through destroying all who are foreign to our way of life.

Wishing peace to you today, dear Debbie, and to all my most treasured family here - we together set an example for the world. We are all different, but it is our shared experience and humanity that we lift up and celebrate, and in so doing, offer each other, ourselves, and maybe the world a bit of healing.

Love to all,

Chuck

Comment by Deb S 16 hours ago

Good morning dear friends, I haven't posted for a while. It isn't that I do not think of each of you daily because you are all on my mind and in my thoughts and prayers. It is because words escape me.

It is Memorial Day. Although my husband did not pass away serving our country, he was an Army JAG officer who spent a year in Vietnam and is buried at Arlington National Cemetery. Today is no different than any other day. It is a day like all others when the silence surrounding his absence is staggeringly loud. I miss him every moment of every day. I miss him all of the time.

I try to envision a sweet future. I try to embrace life and enjoy the moments that God has chosen to bless me with. I try to appreciate life. There are days, like today, that I do not do as well with this endeavor as other days.

A few weeks ago I settled on the sale of my final rental property. My time and attention have been focused on getting through the next steps to financially simplify my life. Those steps are basically complete. The last remaining items feel more like everyday tasks and not major undertakings. Finalizing these tasks has had an unexpected effect as it has brought the real grief back into the forefront. It is as if I was able to delay some of the impact of the grief while I was busy getting stuff done.

I am not sharing this to garner sympathy. I am sharing in case others are sometimes in this boat. I have plans. I've invited my children and their significant others to join me for a week vacation at the beach. I invited my sister and some other relatives to join us. I am actively working to improve my house - to simplify, to minimalize, to enjoy my garden. I am still not looking far into the future. It is still too raw to imagine a future without my husband physically by my side.

May each of you have a blessed day. I hope it is tolerable and pray that it is better than yesterday.  Debbie

 

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