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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Comment by Mary on October 5, 2010 at 1:13pm
Marvin and other new members,
I too, like Nancy, can attest that things do get better with time. I am coming up on the eight month mark. At times I have wondered how I can have these better days, while my husband isn't with me. Yet at the same time I welcome the better days. We all have meltdowns even yet, and the missing will never be gone, but we do move forward.
I miss my husband, then I read about the woman who lost her husband and two children in the same accident. I love my husband and think of the person who never finds love at all. I am lonesome for him, and think of the person, maybe in a nursing home, who never has a visitor.
Kind of puts it in perspective for me. And I am thankful for the time I had and the wonderful husband I had. Give your self time, it is not easy, but it will get better. Hugs to you all.
Comment by Mary on October 5, 2010 at 1:03pm
I am glad you had a safe trip Randolph. And good for you and Barb getting to meet face to face. After all the months of sharing these feeling of loss and heartbreak, we certainly have developed a closeness and bond with each other. Hugs
Comment by Randolph L. Schrader on October 5, 2010 at 12:52pm
Nancy, I had a safe trip from Indiana to Wisconsin and I did get to see Barb from our site in person. It was later that night than I had intended it to be but I got it done.I am glad you got the chance to meet one of the members also. A wonderful opportunity and chance that many of us cant do.Yes, its great. Hugs to you. Hugs are good.
Comment by Nancy Satterthwaite on October 5, 2010 at 12:07pm
Marvin,

I know the feeling when I found my first moment of joy, maybe a little laugh, or a smile on my face. I remember thinking, how do I deserve this happiness, my husband just died. Then I realized it was important to seek out little things that made me feel good. I didn't ask for this horrible loss, and I needed to do what was necessary to make it through the pain. I tried to experience some things that I never had done before, a new routine, that way, there wasn't a memory there for me to feel sad. For instance, one day I went to the park and just swung on the swings for 15 minutes, alone. Haven't done that since I was a little girl. I believe God will create something new in our life even as we walk through our grief. At first I never thought I would feel joy again, it almost seemed wrong for me to laugh, have fun, etc., I think some people feel they need to suffer in order to prove how much they loved their spouse. I don't believe that happiness is a betrayal of love. We all have reasons for living, I have children and grandchildren, who need me, and don't want me to be sad. I have a reason to continue to live with a future worth enduring. I want to work towards a renewed sense of purpose and pleasure in life. Not there yet, but working on it...I guess what I am saying is this; If I have any guilt from what I should have done, or could have done for my husband, I have learned a vital lesson to love those who are currently in my life, and not take them for granted and the love that surrounds me now. If heaven is what I think it is, my husband is looking down on me and saying, " I knew you could make it on your own, I am proud of you." At least it gives me comfort in believing that. It does get better Marvin, never the same, but it does get better.
Nancy
Comment by Marvin D. Hall on October 4, 2010 at 10:12pm
Debbie, I'm having a hard time with it still but, what struck me was the fact our 23 y.o.a niece understood what I was feeling, when other people are saying you can't feel guilty. Then I tell them I can't help but feel guilty. Because, Donna was mainly stuck at home, as was I before she passed. I hope it will pass, and it probably will with time, but I think even then I'll still have those lingering feelings of guilt whenever I'm doing something and think " Wow Donna would have loved this!"
Comment by Marvin D. Hall on October 4, 2010 at 10:12pm
Debbie, I'm having a hard time with it still but, what struck me was the fact our 23 y.o.a niece understood what I was feeling, when other people are saying you can't feel guilty. Then I tell them I can't help but feel guilty. Because, Donna was mainly stuck at home, as was I before she passed. I hope it will pass, and it probably will with time, but I think even then I'll still have those lingering feelings of guilt whenever I'm doing something and think " Wow Donna would have loved this!"
Comment by Debbie Treadway on October 4, 2010 at 9:30pm
Marvin, that is the same way I feel. Every time I do something that is fun I then feel guilty that I am enjoying life without Waymon. I know that he would not want that but I just can't seem to work past it at this time.
Comment by Marvin D. Hall on October 4, 2010 at 8:54pm
Kay, sorry for your loss, and thank you for your kind words. I am trying, I'm working so hard to stay positive and as up beat as possible. It is when i am having a good time somewhere or when I'm with Donnas or my family or When her neice and her Husband took me to a Braves game trying to make me feel good about myself, halfway thru I catch myself and say wait a minute you should'nt be having such a good time without Donna. I am trying hard to stop that, its just really hard not to think of how much she would have loved being there with me experiencing the same things with me. Her neice told me when she saw me tearing up that it was ok, Aunt Donna was here with us. I thought wow, this kid gets it!
Comment by Marvin D. Hall on October 4, 2010 at 8:54pm
Kay, sorry for your loss, and thank you for your kind words. I am trying, I'm working so hard to stay positive and as up beat as possible. It is when i am having a good time somewhere or when I'm with Donnas or my family or When her neice and her Husband took me to a Braves game trying to make me feel good about myself, halfway thru I catch myself and say wait a minute you should'nt be having such a good time without Donna. I am trying hard to stop that, its just really hard not to think of how much she would have loved being there with me experiencing the same things with me. Her neice told me when she saw me tearing up that it was ok, Aunt Donna was here with us. I thought wow, this kid gets it!
Comment by Debbie Treadway on October 4, 2010 at 8:15pm
Kay, we can all benefit from your words to Marvin. Mine has been gone for 6 weeks today. I am trying very hard to have more good times than bad but it is very difficult at times. Your words of encouragement are appreciated.
 

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