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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad and even worse days

Started by Patricia Huett. Last reply by Richard Gordon Jun 1. 4 Replies

Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Apr 10. 4 Replies

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Comment by Steve on June 17, 2018 at 9:36pm

Somehow part of the story got lost in copying...it is important to know that our mother died just 5 months after I was born.  I was age 5 yrs when my father wanted me back from my grandparents.  Up until then I assumed that my grandmother and grandfather were my family.  Being taken from them confused me and terrified me as well.  Moving in with my father, stepmother and sister left me feeling alone and wondering if my grandparents did not love me anymore.  My father was very strict and we did not get off to a good start.  I started bed wetting which brought punishment, I refused to eat my vegetables, so my meals were held back from dinner and given to me for breakfast, if I did not eat them I went to school hungry...the list went on and on and even my sister did not like our stepmother so she and I bonded to the same cause...this is when our half sister arrived and the dynamics of the household changed. 

This is where the story starts at the 3 yr mark, I was eight and my sister was 12 when father started looking for a new home for us...

Comment by Steve on June 17, 2018 at 9:24pm

Dear Patricia,

So sorry that your childhood was so awful and scary, abuse of any kind weighs very heavy on young impressionable children. I know because I experienced mental abuse from my biological father and stepmother. A very long story to cover here, but the end result was 3 years of me trying to fit in to the new family and the arrival of a new half sister brought everything to a head. All of this was too much for our stepmother and she gave our father two choices: he could move out and raise my sister and me on his own, or he could stay with her and raise their new born girl. Our father decided to find us a new home, disregarding the obvious option, our grandparents. Instead he took us out of state to his mother, she rejected his idea and he tried to get one of his brother’s to take us. Somehow our grandparents found out and took legal guardianship of us through the courts in Florida.
Had that not happened, I wonder to this day how we would have turned out. Damage still haunted the both of us and yet we still had a stable home to grow up in. Over the years I grew to hate my father and while at the same time hoping he would tell me he loved me, that he was proud of me and so on. It wasn’t till my sister passed away at the age of 50 that he and my stepmother were back in my life again. I could not bring myself to accept them or forgive them, I felt bad for my father because he lost his daughter, still I could not show him any kind of emotion. 4 years later, he and my stepmother died in automobile accident in Alabama where they had retired too. I still felt nothing, I could not grieve for them and I found myself at odds with my half sister. Mark helped me through my sister’s death and he listened to me lament about my father not taking one side or the other, just listening. Two months after Mark passed I was on my way back to Texas as spending time with my Aunt and Uncle who were two very strong influences in my young life. There in the middle of nowhere the grief of loosing my father hit me like a freight train. I had to pull off the road. As I was sitting in my car at a truck stop, a lady tapped on my window asking if I had jumper cables. She and her husband had a dead battery and were on their way home as well. I did not have any and apologized to her for that. She departed and disappeared. As I made my way inside to get something to drink for my dog that was traveling with me, I saw her again. She was asking everyone for help. As I grabbed my water and turned, I say jumper cables on the shelf, so I bought them. I found her and her husband, stopped and introduced myself and offered to help. In talking to them it occurred to me that the next time they stop, they might be faced with the same situation. I told them they should keep the cables for their next stop. Tears welled up in their eyes, they said no because they only had enough money for gas and food till they got home. I insisted and they accepted. As I got back on the road, I realized I was no longer sad and no longer angry with my father. It had to be Mark telling me what to do, it was just his way, he had a very big heart. I changed that day, I was able to forgive my father and more importantly, I was able to forgive myself. This made my grief for Mark all the more special and personal for me. I still have a lot of love in me that still has now where to go, and Mark still helps me by reminding me to look around and see the world that exists around me, meeting people on my path has two options, they needed something from me or I need something from them. Sometimes all it takes is a smile and a hello.
Thanks for listening,

Steve

Comment by Trina Mamoon on June 17, 2018 at 7:29pm

Dear Steve,

What a deeply insightful quote you put here about grief! I think all of us here on this forum can relate to it: grief is love that has nowhere to go. I will always remember this--evert time my eyes tear up, every time there is a hollow feeling in my heart which is several times everyday. Thank you for the post. It helps.

Hugs, Trina

Comment by Trina Mamoon on June 17, 2018 at 7:26pm

Dear Charles,

This is a belated wish for you for what would have been your 35th anniversary with Larry on Friday. It's wonderful beyond words that Larry sent you "Claire de Lune" over the radio as your anniversary gift! I can only imagine what you were feeling...

Sending you much love,

Trina

Comment by Mary. Jane on June 17, 2018 at 12:41pm

Chuck...I am so sorry I didn’t wish you a happy 35th anniversary...to everyone else...your posts were wonderful. Sometimes I just come here and read, but don,t respond. 

Today would have been my 51st wedding anniversary with Bob. I am doing fine! No sadness, or anything bad..just nice memories. 

I think it is cuz I am so greatful not to be as sick as I was the beginning of last week that I am cherishing each “good” day. 

CHUCK..I think about you spending your first summer in Texas..and enduring this heat...it usually does’t start this early and it is life sucking. I can’t wait to get back to cool weather in S.F.!  

When my daughter was here a few weeks ago, we totally purged the house of SOOOO much stuff. At first it was difficult, as Bob spent YEARS going to flea markets, garage sales, thrift shops..I felt as tho I was disrespecting all his hard work. This was his way of providing for our future..we could sell this stuff and be rich. 

We never took into consideration that the market would tank, or that we might not be in good physical shape to haul boxes, have garage sales, etc...but it is just too much for me to deal with. So I am donating most of it. I have reached the point of not caring, and hoping other people will enjoy what I have donated. All these things have become DEAD WEIGHT... and the time I spend on researching this stuff could be used in other ways..like cleaning out cupboards for more crap to toss out. LOL

ok thanks for letting me vent, happy Father’s Day!

Comment by Patricia Huett on June 17, 2018 at 12:01pm

Steve, thank you for your kind words and I swear that is a beautiful quote.. that lump in my throat is so familiar, I spoke at Basil's service and asked my sister to stand with me cause I didn't think I could make it through without totally losing it, but once I started talking about the man I loved I couldn't stop.

Steve,   I'm sorry for your lost of Mark, I can hear the pain.  The people on this site literally saved my life and that is not a lie.  I'm so thankful I found this family.  Nobody judges the way you feel, because we all deal differently.

I was raised in a very violent and abusive household, my father was an alcoholic and did some horrible things.  He liked to pick me out the most because I was oldest of 7 kids.  He would find ways to scare me thinking he was making me strong, but he wasn't making me strong, he was damaging the way I looked at people the rest of my life.  Basil was the only person that truly showed me love for the first time in my life.  He built me up and tore down the walI i had built around me to protect me.  I just crave that love back again.  I am so lost without him telling me how beautiful I am and I can do anything if I try.  He sent me to college and I got my degree and worked for Coca-Cola Corporate out of Atlanta, Ga for 17 years.  I could not have ever thought I would be making decision about launching promotional are and selling them in front of buyers!!! 

I'm just so lost, but I'm going to make it, I know that now

YourbLegacy Sister Patty

Comment by Steve on June 17, 2018 at 8:12am

 Dear Patricia,

I do not post often, however, I do read up on everyone's  post.  I lost my love, Mark, three years and six months ago.  My grief and yours is still as fresh and familiar as the day he died. 

More often than not, I find things I like to share with those in our family here on Legacy.  I found this quote (anonymous author) last evening and it struck home for me and thought I would share.  Take care of yourself today and know that our family here is very caring and very watchful.  I consider everyone on this site to be brothers and sisters.  Here is the quote:

Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.

Your legacy brother,

Steve

Comment by Patricia Huett on June 16, 2018 at 6:07pm

I am speechless as to the concern you all had for meit truly brought me to tears, some of my own family don't even show such compassion toward me.  I'm so thankful I found you all here.  I really didn't think anyone cared that much, I now know you do and promise to let ya'all know that I'm okay.  I do sometimes get wrapped up with work here, but I know I needed to not worry you, cause like me you lost the love of your life.

Question, I'm listening to Garth Brooks song, The Dance,  In  it he says he's glad he didn't know because if he had he would of missed The Dance...I am opposite I wish I'd known when Basil was going to pass, cause every second of every day I would of LOVED STRONGER and made it so unbelievably for him and not take for granted what a beautiful soul the Lord put on Earth for just me to cherish.  He worshipped me and me him and in 34 years we never feel out of Love, like every couple we had out ups and downs but never went to bed angry!!!  So, my question, would you have wanted to know when your loved one was going to pass?  Just courious.....

I know all kinds of trades, my brother-in-law owns his own mechanical shop and I worked for him for a couple years..he taught me alot.  Another brother-in-law owns a removing business, so I know electrical, plumbing, and carpentry!

Good day my fellow mates... Time to mow across the creek with the gazebo.  I might just make a cocktail and sit in the gazebo!!!!

Patty

Comment by Marsha H on June 15, 2018 at 3:47pm

Dear Patty ...  I feel so much better reading your post!  WOW!  You are quite handy fixing your own car.  Don't be afraid to ask a neighbor for help if you get stuck as I've had to do that myself.  I can thank my dad years ago how to do some minor mechanics, but every so often I get stuck and have to ask my neighbor for a little help.  I too find it difficult as it seems we have to pay money for everything.  I'm on a very low budget as well.

The family on Legacy to me is more family than I do have because everyone here knows how each other feels and we can say what we feel without fear of judgement.  Also, if one chick is missing we want to know if they are safe.  YOU ARE FAMILY HERE!  When you are down remember we are all here for you.

Now I have to go out and clean up dog messes!  Ugh.  My neighbor mows my lawn and he's started on his own already.  

Take care my dear friend and hope you have a well deserved peaceful day.  Basil is right there with you so never forget that.

Hugs

Marcy

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on June 15, 2018 at 1:05pm

Dear Patty,

We all feel the same way about you, and thank you for letting us know you are OK - we are indeed an uncommon family here, and one that I am grateful for every day of my life.

Today would be Larry's and my 35th Anniversary - we celebrated this as it was the day we met. We also celebrated the day in August when I proposed to him. Greedy weren't we, wanting 2 anniversaries? At least we had 2 excuses for expensive dinners out in places we normally couldn't afford!

I have been thinking about this all week, and my emotions have been kind of all over the place. Then this morning, as Steve and I were driving to an appointment, "Claire De Lune" started playing on the radio - a piece with very special significance for Larry and myself - and I felt a quiet sense of calm and peace that I know was Larry letting me know that he and Steve's Mark were watching us every day and were going to help keep us safe from harm.

Kudos on your mechanical skills - I can barely pump my own gas , and that only after asking for directions every time. In short, when it comes to cars I have "hopeless" tattooed on my forehead.

Have a peaceful day today dear friend, and feel the hug I'm sending -

Love, Chuck

 

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