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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on February 6, 2018 at 4:22pm

Dear Mary.Jane ...  You never whine!  Never think that.  This is simply a place we can air out how we feel on any given day.  

Oh yes, who would ever guess a high light bulb would cause us to cry.  Now I am trying to clean the blinds over my kitchen sink and it's tricky, but since I don't have any little elves around here I have to give it a go.  That is going to be one ugly sight!  LOL

I am so proud of you that you poured the Bourbon down the drain.  You are right that alcohol only makes you feel a little better for a short time, but drains the life out of you.  Trust me when I say I wish at times I could have one day out of a month I could have a couple of drinks and just let time go by as I lay in a stupor of peace, but I don't drink much at all.  My body won't take it like it did when I was younger.  I may have 4 White Russians in a year.  I do smoke and since Ernie passed I smoke far too much, but with the winter months it's difficult to keep busy so I won't smoke so waiting for spring so I can get out get busy in the gardens, go for leisurely walks with the dogs on the dyke and hopefully quit smoking entirely.  We all have a habit of some sort whether it's alcohol, smoking, medications, over-eating, etc.  We are trying to appease ourselves.  

What you are going through with going through papers of Bob's, cards he's given you, finding photos or even just going through his clothing is traumatic for any of us.  I have since given away most of Ernie's clothing, but did keep a couple of things of his just to remind myself he was here for real.  Sometimes with all we go through it feels like a dream and they were never here.  Doesn't make sense I know, but that's the way of it for some of us.

When Ernie first passed away my brain made me believe he would be coming home walking up the driveway swinging his lunch pack with a big smile on his face and each day I honestly expected him to walk in that door.  Then it went from that to, 'oh, he's with a friend and they've gone fishing for a few days.'  It's very normal to feel this way and it's the brain's way of coping with things.  Now I know he is not coming back and I am in a new routine now.

Take your time going through things and if you are unsure of what to get rid of or what to keep then just keep it and decide later when you move to California.

Comment by Marsha H on February 6, 2018 at 4:09pm

Dear Deborah ...  Those special occasions hurt us all.  Valentine's Day (day of love) hits me hard, but I do buy Ernie a card and get a helium balloon; write love notes on it and go to our favorite place and let the balloon fly to the heavens.  I imagine Ernie with his hands held out to catch that balloon.  Crazy as it may seem it brings me peace.  I have been doing this for 7 years now.  I suppose it's just to let him know I still love him and haven't forgotten him.

I am so happy you are going to the cabin as you feel close to be close to your spouse.  It can be peaceful and a time for reflection on your part.  I wish you only the very best full of peace and between the tears memories that bring you joy and some happiness.

I wish everyone a good day with peace and love in your hearts.  Be kind to yourself because we certainly have earned it.

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on February 6, 2018 at 4:02pm

Dear David ....  I know how lonely it can feel without our spouses and I still have my bad days, but not as many.  Whether the word 'time' helps people or makes them angry time does help us cope better, but time never stops the heartache we feel after losing a loved one, but intensity isn't as bad.

When you feel up to it just sit and think about this:  Before you met David there were millions of people around and you probably met a 100 or more people up to then and suddenly you met David.  Just chance?  I think not.  I believe there is that special person we are meant to meet.  We all were so lucky we did meet that special someone to share our life with.  We cried together, had fun, laughter, shared old memories, shared our hopes and dreams with them and they to us, made many memories together and learned from each other.  Even the occasional argument could never hinder the relationships we had with that special love of our life.  So, that being said when it took us that long for two people to meet and know they were the right person for us I do not believe it ends there.  Love is a mighty thing, it's in our heart and soul for each other and although we will never forget them they are there helping us through the worst of grief and watching over us periodically.  I also believe we will meet with them again and a further question comes up, 'did we know them before?'  When I met Ernie, I honestly felt that we'd known each other before and picking up where we left off.  I know that such a love doesn't dissipate after our spouse passes away and part of them will always stay with us.  As cruel as grief is it is a time for learning and to move ahead.  

I realized after 3 - 4 years that I had to reach back before I met Ernie as to what type of person I was, the person he fell in love with and realized that person is still within 'me.'  All the things he loved about me I still have and I just need to try to fulfill that as best I can and move on carrying the torch for him and not letting family or friends forget him until Ernie and I meet again.  I hope you do come to this realization when it's in your time frame.  

Comment by David Heggi on February 6, 2018 at 11:18am

Dear Christine,

I'm glad you found a grief recovery group that you are comfortable with.  It's so good you have your daughter. Of course she isn't happy

with your decision to not have a more aggressive treatment - she loves you.  As much as family and friends care, we sometimes just need to be left alone in our own space,

I have a long history with the panic disorder;  it can be treated and

episodes will lessen and become less severe.

I cannot help you with the crying: I sob like a baby every day too.

Yes, this site is a lifesaver.  I don't know what I would've done

w/o all of you.

Try to have a good day, Christine

Your friend,

David

Comment by deborah peck on February 6, 2018 at 10:30am

Dear David and Marsha, I'm sorry you are having a hard time, Marsha, the dates are the worse, wish we could just sleep thru them, I know I'm dreading Valentines day, ughh. In may it will be 1 year, still have a hard time coming to grips with him being gone. I'm going to the mountains over that week as we always went to a cabin there and I feel like its our place and feel like I will really connect with him there.its crazy to think a year is coming up so Marsha I cant imagine 2 years even though I know we will all get to a better place in our minds eventually its Hell right now. I hope everyone is in a good place today and has a nice day. Debbie

Comment by Christine Blaire on February 5, 2018 at 9:29pm

Dear Mark, Mary Jane....there is a grief recovery program at a local funeral home that's a ten week course and religious in nature. I went to the first one and will go to the third one tomorrow night. Missed the second as that was the day of my surgery. They are so kind,they blessed me and said a prayer. I'm going to continue with this I felt very comfortable. It will be a week tomorrow post surgery. I'm very bruised and where the lymph nodes were removed hurts the most. It all looks good( haha) as far as infection,etc. I get tired easily which is not typical. I've even taken a couple naps over the past week. The ice packs are great and I'm careful with the pain meds. My daughter has been staying with me,bless her. She isn't happy with my decision not to do radiation but understands it. Without it it's 50-50 . I don't care. I'm glad and blessed that she is here but will be glad when Friday comes and the surgeon says I'm ok to be alone. It doesn't seem to make any sense,I want the company but want to be alone to. Pretty stupid. Still crying and having panic attacks. I have come to believe they will never go away and I'm ok with that. This site helps so much. All of you here understand more than anyone else. Bless you all.

Comment by David Heggi on February 5, 2018 at 6:10pm

Dear Marsha,

you are so kind to share those thoughts with me.  I wake up feeling David's presence, and then all too soon realize that I am alone - how can our loved ones not be here to rally us; we shared our earthly journeys together as one. yet, still I have to wonder if that's not true.

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 5, 2018 at 6:02pm

HAHAHAHA...Marsha...thank u for your post about lightbulbs...that was the second highlight of my day. I do the same thing when one goes out. Seriously, I cry. Also, that is good to know about the death certificate thing. Takes away a lot of concerns.

But the real highlight of my day was about an hour ago...when I dumped over a half a liter of Wellers Green bourbon down the sink. I was sober for 37 years until about a year ago...I thought I was handling it just fine...yeah, right. No more temporary buzz to make me feel better. I finally figured it was more trouble in the long run...being a drunk is ALOT of work, and pain, just for a few quick buzzes that only last minutes..while the rest of the time I get to lie, hide, vomit and still don,t have Bob back. 

It will b 2 years since Bob died in a few weeks..and I am not handling it very well. I have been going through all our files, papers, photo..trying to get ready to move back to California..but there is so much STUFF! And each thing comes with a memory. Last year I was fine during this time, as I was living in LaLa Land..actually believing that Bob hadnt really died...combine that with the fact that I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE A CAR...and that is my life. Thanks for letting me whine. 

Comment by Marsha H on February 5, 2018 at 5:04pm

Mary.Jane ...  Sorry to interrupt your post to Mark.  When you sign up for these programs I at least had to provide a copy of Ernie's Death Certificate.  I found the program for grief at the church extremely safe.  If in doubt phone the church and ask to talk to someone there and how they verify who is really in grief and how do they know for sure each person  is.  I understand your fears living alone, but if you need to feel safe for a bit until you get use to things don't go home right away.  Go to your friends for a bit or out for a coffee.  

I hope you do phone so that the person holding the grief program can help you with your concerns.  I never had any problems going to the church for grief counseling.  If it's not for you then you can go to a one-on-one grief session.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on February 5, 2018 at 4:59pm

Dear David ...  I cry when I hear that song too, but it makes me realize our beloved spouses are near us and walk beside us when we are at our lowest or feel we can't go on.  I want to give you an example:

Going into my first year of grief and slightly realization gripping me I felt so low, lonely and depressed and nothing I did seemed to work  out.  Even a light bulb going out that was to hard for me to reach would make me burst into tears and then I realized every time I felt this low about something the phone would ring within minutes and one of Ernie's friends would call and ask if there was anything they could do.  This was not random and it happened many times.  I could also feel Ernie around me and when I was in a tough spot I know he was there for me.  How lucky we are that God is on one side of us and our loved one on the other side giving us strength and going on into the future.  

I also love 'The Wind Beneath my Wings' and 'The Rose' as I'm a big Bette Midler fan.

So cry when you have to, but always remember your spouse is right there for you in your time of need with a boost from God.

I hope you are having a much better day David.

 

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