Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Mary. Jane 14 hours ago. 25 Replies

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by deborah peck Sep 12. 18 Replies

On the last day of our vacation my husband died.

Started by Andrew Berenyi Jr.. Last reply by deborah peck Aug 22. 33 Replies

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Comment by deborah peck on September 17, 2017 at 9:17am

So me and my family are going to a memorial service for Greg today given by Caris, the past couple of days I have been chatting with my oldest sister and she has made remarks about how Greg wouldn't want me to be sad( he shouldn't of died then) and I'm not sure how to respond so I just don't say anything, then she cane over last night and since we both scrapbook and make cards we did some of that and it was nice until we started talking about going today and her remark was I hope everyone isn't sad. I just looked at her with a what the heck expression and she said I know I just don't like being around it. I am reading a grieve book and in it it tells you that you should surround yourself with people that allow you to feel the way you need to feel. I'm just wondering if I should keep my distance right now from her, we are not close but she is my sister. I'm wishing she wasn't going today so that I don't feel like I have to pretend. My husband has only been gone for 4months, I don't know how to feel anyway but sadness, its like its even in my bones, as I'm sure all of you have had this profound sadness, I get tired of pretending all the time and look forward to the day that I am no longer sad all the time, but I guess I'm a good actress if she has been around me and thinks just today will make us sad. ughhh I just need a cave to crawl in

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on September 17, 2017 at 9:00am

Dear Debbie S,

My friend! You have been so much on my mind as I navigate (somewhat clumsily at times) the world of real estate listings and sales. Every time I start to doubt my ability to figure out all the nuances and responsibilities, I remember something you said to me once..."Chuck, when the time comes you won't have to make all the decisions will have Larry guiding you, Steve helping you - and all of your Legacy family pulling for you - you can do this so trust yourself!"

I am so happy to hear of the forward movement in your life, and feel the poignancy of your dream message from Bob. it is indeed to be the fun people we once were, and sometimes my own lack of humor in certain situations can disturb me. My turn to say that we all are pulling for you, none more than me - your Bloomsbury cheerleader!

Please keep us posted (Bad pun) and God Bless You my friend -

Love, Chuck

Comment by Steve on September 17, 2017 at 7:48am
Deb S,
So good to hear from you, so how do you like the outerbanks? I have very fond memories from my vacation there so many years ago, I love the sea, I find it calming and can gain strength and clarity when I take the time to sit and look out to the horizon. I find it very hypnotic and healing. Two months after Mark's passing me and Bella traveled home to Florida and spent a lot of time on the shore, did us both good. In north FL during January the beach is void of tourists and on my visit a weather system "nor-easter" was whipping up the waves and sending rolling clumps of sea foam up onto the sand with the wind scattering them everywhere. Bella stood there watching her tail wagging in a fast circular motion as she was whinning and looking up at me just waiting for me to let her go chasing after them. I told her no, and she sat down and gave me one of her looks. As we both looked out over the waves lost in thought, I wanted to cry and could not. I was at peace and did not want to spoil the moment, it was overcast and very cold and yet I could not turn away, then I felt a cold nose nudging at my hand, there was Bella letting me know she was ready to go, especially since I would not let her off her leash. She always knew my moods and kept me busy with her long walks and antics that would make me smile. We headed back to the city and packed the car for our trip home to Dallas with that wonderful memory of the sea. That was not our only visit, we made two more such visits and I know there will be more, these will be with Chuck and hopefully with a new rescue puppy, it will happen once we get settled in Dallas. The house is listed, no offers yet, a lot of showings, lots to still do. When the time is right everything will fall into place, this we both know without a doubt.
Hug to you Deb, enjoy the ever changing view...
Comment by Marsha H on September 17, 2017 at 5:17am

Dear Deb S ...  Nice to hear from you again.  Good for you taking the sabbatical.  Sometimes we need a brain rest.

Happy you are feeling better after your soul searching.  You are so lucky you have dreams of your husband and that his message was loud and clear it was time to move on. 

I'm also happy for you busing a 2nd house in the Outer Banks taking the risk of 'sight unseen.'  Girl, are you in real estate!  LOL  This is the beginning of your new life.



Comment by Deb S on September 16, 2017 at 8:46pm

Dear friends, I have been absent for a while. Each of you remain in my thoughts and prayers each and every day. I inadvertently took a sabbatical. I even took an inadvertent sabbatical from a yahoo group that I moderate.  Oops.

I've done a lot of soul searching. I think I've reemerged in a better place. I am again making plans and it feels good.

I had the "bestest" ever dream last night. My husband came to me (as he frequently does). He explained why he was absent. He explained that I was no longer fun to be around. He told me that I was no longer giving all to my loved ones. Basically, he told me to move on. We will see each other soon.

I awoke from the dream rejuvenated. I bought a second house in the Outer Banks on Wednesday sight unseen. I drove down today and rented a vacation house located in the same neighborhood. The dream seemed to confirm my decision.

I'll post more later. Love, Debbie

Comment by Marsha H on September 16, 2017 at 2:07pm

Deborah ...  We all know how you feel.  I couldn't move a thing of Ernie's for awhile.  You feel the way you do (a betrayal) because in your mind reality has taken hold and you know Greg is not coming home.  To give their material things away is hard punch in the stomach.  We want them with us!  You shared everything, every room!  It's normal and slowly you will get use to it.  May I suggest you leave perhaps aftershave in the cabinet that Greg wore or anything you connect him with.  It's heart-breaking.  You can keep a couple of shirts, sweaters or whatever you like.  This way you aren't feeling that betrayal.  Put a picture or pictures of Greg.  Another suggestion when you are up to it make a collage of the life you and Greg had.  I made one for Ernie's Celebration of Life and so many people were in awe of it because it also brought back memories of them with Ernie.

I've left Ernie's work jacket and baseball cap on a hook in the hallway and there it stays!!!  It will always be there as long as I live in this house. 

The hardest thing I had to give up was selling the truck/camper and his boat which he loved.  I cried as the new owners took them away.  I felt like I was in a dream and none of this was happening. 

Big hugs (wish I was there to give them to you in person.)


Comment by deborah peck on September 16, 2017 at 10:46am

yesterday was rough, I decided to clear off my Gregs bathroom sink, everything was still right where he left it, it was getting to me kinda like he was still coming home but I couldn't handle it anymore so I cleaned it and packed it up and put some of my stuff on his sink, why does it seem like I just betrayed him or am trying to get rid of his being.

Comment by Linda Victor on September 16, 2017 at 10:39am
Hi Everyone will be back in a second just want to make sure i was in. Tks Linda
Comment by Marsha H on September 16, 2017 at 4:33am

Chuck ...  I could just see you doing that!  You should have thrown your Tierra at him!  LOL  You make me laugh so much.  Hey, I know more than you think and limping around the only way you'd make it is parachuting and blowing a hole in it with a gun!  LOL  I have no doubt you'd be screaming so loud Like Tallulah at 'Max' you'd lose the gun and go down like a rock and get bum burn.  LOL 

That story was so sad.  We all react to losing a loved one differently.  Everyone's nerves are on top of their skin.

No, it doesn't matter how our beloved one passed away even on their own terms as death is a private journey only they can take.  We feel guilt along with the 'should have's' or 'what did I miss', but the way things turned out was meant to be and I hold none of that any longer. 

I am so glad you aren't going to spin off the roof on me and that once again you are back to making us smile, laugh even through your own pain and doubts, but I know without a doubt you and Steve are going to be so happy together.  We can't save the world, but one can enjoy another and hold them close and face what world we live in which is better than being alone.

You both have a peaceful day too and enjoy what is around you and each other.

Much love,

Your sis Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on September 16, 2017 at 3:17am

Steve ... loved that wise quote you put on the forum.  How true!  We should never judge a book by it's cover for we may miss many great and wonderful adventures, knowledge and good friendships.


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